We were just sitting at the tea table, sipping some tea when the conversation began between me and my mother. Of course I don’t remember how it started, but it ended quite abruptly and not in good terms. And I will admit from the beginning that I might not have been the sweetest and the most patient person then.
Watching TV and discussing about God knows what, we started discussing about the name change of a woman post marriage. All I had said till then was that a woman has the right to decide if she wants to take her husband’s name or not. And just then, she blasted. “What do you mean that it is on her to decide? Are you implying that you want to keep your name after marriage? Do you not understand how your in-laws are going to react when they find out about that? They will only think that you never accepted them if you don’t change your name. And what about your husband, how is he going to feel?”
And that is when I broke the spell, and asked her to hold her horses.
“Mom, please calm down, I am not getting married now. And I just said that it is on a woman to decide, I did not say what I am going to do. And after this you have made me realise that it is almost a rule according to you. Not changing name isn’t exactly acceptable.”
“No, no, you don’t want to change your name, don’t change, you handle your new family then, I will not interfere.” And started the emotional drama.
“Yes, I will see what I will have to do then.” And we continued watching TV in silence, and after a while I left the room.
*
I might have over-reacted but she might have too. I was just passing a general comment. I am really not getting married now, and honestly, I haven’t even thought about such things. Just the fact about getting married scares me now, let alone the thought of changing names.
And yes,, I still stand by what I said, it is on her to decide what she wants to do. Anything forcibly is not accepted.
And honestly, just how much trouble we have to go through to change names everywhere, on each and every identity cards, not to forget the social media where we have the trend of having two last names.
Aesthetic Miradh 
Marriage is not that complicated only the process and society is…. I have learnt to treat my better half as a friend even after 15 years of marriage…… and I never insisted my wife to change her name……
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That’s such an inspiring thing…….!!!
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😃😃
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That was a really great step, at least I think so.
A kind of partner that every woman deserves.
I totally agree with you that it is only the society that makes it all the more complicated.
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There are no laws that I’m aware of that says a woman must take the man’s name when married. It is just a cultural norm to do so. But since in today’s world, marriage is between two people, who’s name one may take is up to them.
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Thank you for sharing your views.
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I agree with you . The problem with changing names in all the documents is one. But why to loose our own identity I mean the name ? Why ? The love will be less when the wife is still carrying her last name? These are the stupid things made up by the society.
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I agree, and it really makes things more complicated in the long run.
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Dis is so funny ,me nd amma were just talkn about all dis
Nd hw i have changd frm being so patient to restless character
Etc etc
Nd marriage is one hell of a thing dat we discuss,which i am least interested fr now..
Totaly agree with u
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I guess we are on the same page then. thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts.
Lots of love 🙂
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Time and again, we are forced to come back to reality or perception of reality built by the society… My wife’s last name hasn’t changed yet, so I agree it should be left to her decision.
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Thank you for sharing how you feel.
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As a male, I don’t think I’d have any problem with my wife not changing her name, about the in laws, my parents won’t mind as well. Who gives damn about others…….
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Then that is surely a wonderful way to look at things, I just wished we had more people like you and your family in India.
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I completely agree with you Moushmi. It should always be a women’s choice. My sister changed her name after marriage while my sister in law didn’t. My parents did feel bad for a while (as they are a little Orthodox) but now they are okay with it. And it is such a headache. Why can’t we remain the way we are? I so hate the process of everything changing after marriage. That’s one of the reason I don’t ever want to get married.
Recently I saw an article where a man changed his surname after marriage. Hehe.. too much drama!
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Oh I would love to see man do that for a change 😉
In all honesty, I wouldn’t want anythign to change for the both of them. If the 2 partners manage to live accordingly without overpowering the other, marriage might not even be this scary. But!!!
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I agree. Marriage should be an opportunity to share your love and to face life together equally participating in its joys and sorrows. And even if there are compromises to make, both should share them. It could never be a happy marriage if only one is sacrificing for the sake of their relationship.
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Completely agree, only the problem is most people fail to understand this,
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I can so very well connect with you..similar kinds of things keep happening to me in day to day life..!! Society is changing and so are the women..why can’t we accept this fact..?? First we frighten women with such things…and than we blame that today’s girls are not agreeing to get married?? Why cant we just live and let live..!! These things are so frustrating..!!
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I agree, I am of the opinion that it is on her to decide, if she wants to change her name, so be it, but if she doesn’t then no one has the right to force her.
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yes..I know.. 🙂
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Oh..emotional attacks….but you are right, why should a woman change her name after marriage and in fact I think that system is more rooted in northern states…
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I agree, it is absolutely on her to decide.
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Great post. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you 🙂
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Yeah I feel you. It’s simply a matter of cultural traditions and norms. Anytime you step beyond it, your elders who have long learned to accept and even embrace it have stopped doing the most important thing of all – question it. I remember having a similar conversation about dowry and how absolutely horrendous it is and while my mum agreed it wasn’t fair, she was excusing it. She’s come around though, I think it’s about making the point subtly (like you did) and not seem like you’re attacking the grander culture. Great conversation to have.
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Thank you so much for your comment.
I really believe that sometimes that most people have come to accept these beliefs, not because they believe in it , but because they have tried to change it, and have fallen head over heels (Not in a good way)
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Absolutely get that! And my pleasure!
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Yes completely agree!! I remember i recently had a small debate with someone about it….useless rules!! Infact i dont even agree to changing a name!! It’s like changing your whole identity you grew up with…for someone else …and to prove i dont know what!!! Utter nonsense…and then go through long procedures to change it on various documents and even changing signatures…..!! I really find it so stupid….infact my father was also against it…and made my mother keep her maiden name post-marriage too….which till date keeps confusing some silly people!!
Loved your thinking here!!!
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Thank you Sifar, if only other would agree with this too.
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