Death Or Life- What Gives You True Pain?

2018 has not been very compatible to me yet, I guess it doesn’t feel good with me, or it just doesn’t want to make me feel good. Any which ways, I am tortured. 3 months and 3 deaths!! How is that possible? How am I supposed to even live with it? You will say, I have to and I will but it doesn’t at all feel good. None of them were close family members but all of the three people were relatives, one being a friend a distant one, a junior school-mate and yet I do not feel good about it. I feel sad.

Having received death news is never good news, of course it never is but then when you hear about a person’s death that was your age, your friend, you do not know what to do. It cripples your heart.

This friend I am talking about wasn’t my best friend, so I cannot say I am dying inside to hear this, but he was a kind person, a sweet person. I knew his family very well, his sister, his mother, even his dad. All of them are such lovely souls, and yet, I ask, do they really deserve this? Do they deserve the death of a young son, a young and a happy-go-lucky brother? Does that young boy deserve death? I repeat, young, again and again, only to emphasise, the fact that a mere 20 something person died, all of a sudden, leaving behind all his loved ones, shattered and broken.

I feel so depressed, writing about it, even thinking about it, that I cannot even begin to think how and what his family might be going through. I, really cannot say that I understand their pain, no I cannot, and can never until I go through such a loss.

This brings me to a thought, again and again and again. What if something so traumatic happens with me or my family? What if, I have to go through something so disturbing and painful? What will I do? I am losing it completely now, how would I handle anything beyond this?

Death is unpredictable, absolutely uncertain, then how can anyone live with this uncertainty?

And yet, we have to. We have no other alternative. Do we?

They say; time heals everything. But does it? Or does it simply makes you immune, and gives you the patience to live with it?

The selfish human that I am, I am making it all about me, again. I am forgetting, rambling about my agony here, that this, what I am going through now, is simply nothing. It is ‘just’ a fear of losing someone, and the pain of losing a friend, an acquaintance, and in no case it can be compared to what his family might be going through now. I am truly sorry for him and his family. Whatever I write and say here, can in no possible way express what I am feeling right now. I can in no amount of synonyms and adjectives express my feelings. I am so deeply touched that it can be expressed with nothing, with no words.

I cannot even begin to think what his loved ones might be going through now, and honestly I do not have the courage to, too.

William Shakespeare once said, “Death once dead, there’s no more dying then.”

So is it okay, that he is dead? His pain is over, right? But what about the people that he left behind? I ask this here, because, there is a possibility that he committed suicide. I cannot say for sure, we have just heard it. Some said, it was a road accident, and yet others who lived with him have to say that he committed suicide. We don’t know, and we might never know. But does the reason matter?

Does it?

According to Shakespeare, after death, there is no pain, but I guess there is. There definitely is.

I am sorry. I guess I have said enough, only to feel more vulnerable. Today, all I can think about is death, and its consequences. This truly is not making me feel good. (I know I must have repeated this several times, but I honestly don’t feel good.)

To end this post on a cliché dialogue from a full time Bollywood movie (Boss)

Ronit Roy says-“ maut ko to yuhin log badnam karte hai.. asli takleef to zindagi deti hain.”

“People defame death, but true pain and suffering comes from life.” (Okay, I know the English translation might not be that effective.)

And I think, today, I do agree with this dialogue, doesn’t suffering come from life? Once you are dead, you are simply dead. But when you are alive, you are alive, alive with that excruciating pain. And you can do nothing about it.

I am in no position to judge anything here, nor do I want to. But I desperately feel bad for this friend of mine. We may have lost touch, but this news came as a shock.

In a flick, he just passed away, and left behind grief and misery for everyone who knew him.

From the bottom of my heart, I pray that no single person has to go through with the kind of pain that he might have gone through, and that his family must be going through. May all of them find the strength that they truly need in this crucial hour.

And may his kind soul rest in peace.

Published by Moushmi Radhanpara

A bilingual writer, Moushmi Radhanpara has authored three poetry collections so far, namely POSIES and 03:21 AM –An Ode to Rust & Restlessness, and Resignation of an Angel. She is also scribbling an unplanned rough draft of a story as a part of NANOWRIMO 2020 and hopes that something might come out of it. She has also co-authored two books, The Lockdown Stories and Mirage so far. Her poetries can be found on her blog and a few other online portals. She believes in the fact that a better reader makes a better writer. Reading a 100 books a year is her latest obsession. She can be found either drunk on coffee or hiding away from everything and admiring the gorgeous sun.

25 thoughts on “Death Or Life- What Gives You True Pain?

  1. You know what..I had wrote similar post when my close friend passed away,for two weeks,I suffered like you..I thought similar to you..he was very good friend to me..I know I lost good friend..I didn’t even dared to see his body..I didn’t went there..One day that news came on paper and her mother was on photo..she was not eating for four days and she fell like a body with life,From Germany it took almost week days to come..imagine the pain..I just can’t see I didn’t went there…and I forgot that..suddenly sridevi death happened..again I am thinking of death..she is not even friend to me..but imagine her daughters situation..their mom.has gone…I am really trying to understand this..I am watching JIDDU KRISHNAMURTHY..the great indo American philosopher videos…but still I am getting lot of thoughts..what if I love a girl..what if she is dead..because death is certain and mind is going crazy..the only thing is you are telling here..and I am not telling

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Death is certain,we can’t stop it..or we can’t control it..but how to win over that?? Atleast how to win over the pain???? It’s harsh but it’s still natural,it’s still life,it’s still pain.Life is painful,May be we should not get attached to people…but how is that possible?? Are we yogis???

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  3. the circle of life. i think Shakespeare is only partly right…the one who dies may not have any more pain, but the death leaves others in pain. through pain we gain knowledge. and in times like this, embrace the pain and in doing so you will move through this time

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  4. A young boy 20 who was the son of the shopkeeper we user to buy general stuff died a week ago and when I saw his weeping and grieving father it disturbed me as it did to you. I dont feel empathy in your case because its more traumatic then mine but yes I feel you and what you posted. Dont know about afterlife but now may their souls rest in peace.

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  5. So sorry to hear about your’s an unique experience to feel the effect of death ..makes you sad at the futility of life and also thankful that you have one still. May he RIP and his folks and you remember him well!

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  6. Sometimes I feel like you and me have some kind of similarity in our lives…I wrote a similar post few days ago and went through the same emotions. I hope you find a way to deal with this sorrow. Life goes on…. for some of us… 😦

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  7. Omg…i got goosebumps reading this! Speechless! May you get strength to deal with it! And his soul rest in peace!
    Death and the fear of losing loved ones to it…ahhh…the everyday thoughts of mine! It brought back so many memories … and it actually is much worse than what you have written here and i wish nobody goes through it ever!! It’s extremely painful. Death is uncertain rightly said but it’s the ultimate reality too… i would rather say that life is uncertain while death is certain! and probably death gives escape from real pain (like in people in extreme pain)… though it will give pain to your loved ones…we all have to go one day…birth, childhood, school, adulthood , college, love, job, marriage, kids, retirement, death…though death is at the end it can come at any stage and we cant do anything…we can live life planning death to be the last part when suddenly it can come out of nowhere and surprise us!! And it’s that moment that the reality hits us and the uncertainty of life! We will sulk over it for few days and then will carry on ignoring the reality! I can understand how you awful you must be feeling after hearing the news and how the heart will be paining! Just a while ago i had replied to one of your comments on this same topic of death…so let me tell you now….i lost my father 5 years ago… when everything was going good and things were happy and i had just started working…when suddenly this lightning bolt struck and jolted my perfect life…i had never imagined that he would leave me so soon (who thinks so when young)…and it happened and it was first time i saw death from close quarters…the reality of life stripped naked in front of me…that was biggest pain and shock of my life …your most precious thing being taken away in front of you while you are watching helplessly…the next few days it’s hard to even believe this happened as i would keep thinking that he is at home only…those are the most tragic and painful times which i shudder even now to think… i dont know how i came out of it..(now you know why it took 5 years for me!)….and im indebted to time to heal things or cover them up! So when i had said that time heals it was from personal experience! We cant do anything except let time take its course…but to think of it that everyone has to go through this at one point in time crushes me as i cant imagine how someone can take so much pain!! I cant!! The thoughts frighten me!! And i keep ignoring them!! But one thing is it does make you strong to deal with other things as you realise that other pains are very small now! Dont want to write much as this post has emotionally stirred me and i will keep on writing!!…hope you get back to normal soon!! Divert your mind to other things and meditate and let time take its course!!

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    1. You have rightly said, that these kinds of incidents makes look your problem smaller.
      Now, that I know your story, even my problems seems small,
      So I will not crib about it here 🙂
      And I am deeply sorry and truly thankful to you for sharing your story with me here.
      I can now totally understand why it took you so long to heal.
      I know I cannot understand that pain but I do feel truly sorry for you. I hope no one ever has to go through this, as this is piercing.
      I can’t write much about it now, I am sorrry. I know it is going to reignite your problems, and pain.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey dont be sorry!! It’s something which is beyond us and is the ultimate reality… which we avoid to discuss or ig nore…that’s what i do…it was sad and painful but i kept avoiding it….but it made me strong to think of all the other problems as trivial only as nothing is as big a problem or as painful as losing your parent or loved one. It weakened me but at the same time made me strong. I got depressed but at the same time mentally strong. I came to Mumbai immediately after it and stayed alone all these 5 years … no friends, relatives, no one…just me and memories and loneliness and depression…that’s why i never went anywhere or explored this city…i was in my shell which i never broke…now you know why it took me so long to visit even marine drive that too after your prodding! So thank you!
        All the negativity in my blog has its origins from it…but i know nothing can be done…not in our hands….so to keep living is the only option.. and live positively and happily…which is what im trying to do now…Parent’s love is the only unconditional and true love in this world and one should consider himself/herself most fortunate to have it! And say all the things in heart, confess all the love and express all the gratitude while there is still time rather than when it’s too late!
        Sorry didnt want to tell it but i did…not for sympathy…but just did…if it can help you by any chance…
        And see that’s what i say about your writing…i could flow with it…swim in it…and get carried away!!! 😊😊

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