Blank

Four years ago, around 24thAugust, I had this insane urge of being heard, I did not ramble what was going on with me then, I just wrote a small blog celebrating Janmashtami. That was my third or fourth attempt at blogging or precisely writing. I had failed so far, and I was sure I would fail again. But actually I didn’t. I kept writing stupid words, until someone actually heard what I was writing. And then one and two and twenty people came and ACTUALLY read what I had to say, and what was even more surprising was that they talked to me about themselves, shared their stories, and lent me some grace and consolation. They did not judge me. 

Today, I am sure most of them have gone away from this blog, drifted away and have found better places to do things at. I am not complaining, this was and this still is a safe place for me. I haven’t been consistent at writing either, writing my blogs I mean. Of late I have been only sharing short snippets, tales, my experiences, my books and my poetries but it has been so long that I feel like I have actually blogged. I don’t know myself what I want to say by this, or what I mean, but today, I need a place to vent, I need to write, I need to be heard, I need those strangers, I need this safe screen. 

No, the first thing is, don’t assume something is wrong, that is, if you are reading this in the first place. There is nothing wrong with me, my surroundings, my life. In fact in three days time my second poetry collection comes out. The first one has been well received, even if not a bestseller, and I am participating in nanowrimo2020 this year. I am reading good books, and am a few books short of a 100 books this year. I am on a roll! I should feel ecstatic. 

But I don’t!  The problem is that someone whose book goes live in a couple of days should be too happy but I am not as thrilled as should be. Again, nothing is wrong with me. It is someone else or to be precise anyone or anything in someone else’s life is my trigger for now. It sounds stupid, selfish, and too petty but anything that happens around these days bothers me more than it should. I cannot, not think about it. It’s like a trigger. Anything happens and I become tensed throughout my veins. It has become like a small button, anything anyone else goes through, and I am on my feet, knowing not what to do. I won’t exaggerate much; I don’t intend to trigger someone else here too. But it’s getting difficult. 

I know this year has been difficult for everyone; I am not the only one going through things. In fact, there are people who have had serious troubles this year, like SERIOUS ones. And it really sounds petty when I cry out loud for nothing, but it is a little difficult now. I am trying to avoid, ignore, accept, mediate, exercise, eat healthy, stay safe. What else is there! Even as I write this, I sound like a vulnerable, needy, clingy, spoilt person, but just for today, may be don’t judge, may be just listen, may be let me vent! I promise I’ll try more. 

Published by Moushmi Radhanpara

A bilingual writer, Moushmi Radhanpara has authored two poetry collections so far, namely POSIES and 03:21 AM –An Ode to Rust & Restlessness, and is working on her third book currently. She is also scribbling an unplanned rough draft of a story as a part of NANOWRIMO 2020 and hopes that something might come out of it. She has also co-authored two books, The Lockdown Stories and Mirage so far. Her poetries can be found on her blog https://aestheticmiradh.com/ and a few other online portals. She believes in the fact that a better reader makes a better writer. Reading a 100 books a year is her latest obsession. She can be found either drunk on coffee or hiding away from everything and admiring the gorgeous sun.

19 thoughts on “Blank

  1. Its ok Moushmi. Most of us going through the feelings you are, these days. I totally understand. Writing helps as I’m sure its helped you after putting it down here.
    Congratulations on your book.:) To be honest, I wasn’t excited when I came out with my book too…so that makes the two of us. Lol. Hang in there and welcome back!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. all your dear friends have said it well above … so many have fluctuating feelings at this time and being sensitive to others troubles means your kind big heart is engaging, is feeling their pain as yours …

    Congrats on the publication of your second book … I should imagine it might be a bit like childbirth, exciting but highly anxiety provoking not knowing how it will be received! So hang in there and share your feelings freely, they resonate with many

    the link Punam has given you above is priceless, so is this one …
    https://outanabout.com/2020/10/16/disclosure-in-october/

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Congratulations Dear friend on your second poetry collection coming out in the world. I truly honor your sharing in this post as I can relate to it. There isn’t and needn’t be something wrong in feeling anything that we feel in any given moment. All emotions beautiful and all feelings valid. That’s how I give myself all the permissions and so sharing with you. Much Love & Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s okay to not be okay and vent it out moush! It really is and I am sorry to hear this but I know time is weird and things are weird but let’s hang in there (saying this because I have had my share of shitty moments in last few months) let’s wait for the sun with a vibrant morning till then we can always pretend to be happy and eventually we will but even if not it’s okay and it will be okay

    Liked by 1 person

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