Dear Neel #4

It took me two months to get back to you. You, on the other hand, seem not to care. What carelessness you portray? What deceptiveness? And I try to perceive- reality, time. Obviously, I fail.

It had never been my intention to stop writing to you, to ghost you for a whole of sixty-five days. But life kept happening. My body kept floating. Weight, increasing. I did not realize how long it has been until today, until I started writing to you, and realized how much time has passed, how much has happened, how many festivities the months held. Despite it, it hasn’t felt a little bit festive.

The end of the year, beginning August up till December, it has always been my favorite part of the year, the months rolling into one celebration after the other. Time flies with joy then. Time just flew this time. The festivities happened, the celebrations done, but something was missing, something is missing, even when I know two of my major celebrations remain still. I feel unlike celebrating, don’t know what that is.

Anyways, I travelled a few days ago, my first after the global pandemic, and I cannot emphasize on how scared I was. Later on, it was better, it was settling. Partly, I enjoyed. Partly, I don’t know.

Remember Proust? I finished reading him. I finished a book that is seven volumes long and I have only this as an achievement for this entire year, and the small poetry collection that I published earlier. Not that, I am any happy for any of these two. I mean I am happy, I actually did it, but then.. meh.

It has been so weird, so so weird but then some of the messages from my fellow writers have been so kind, that when I read them today, it filled me with a different glee, one that has felt so distant for so long. It was nice, knowing that there are people who understand, people who actually relate with my uncertainty. Talking of uncertainty, can you tell me Neel, how long will I feel this uncertainty, how long until I actually be able to get hold of myself? No? Thought so. Some days I feel like a loose string, wavering in the air, and some days like a rock, rolling down and down, the hill never coming to an end.

I hope you are at the end. I need my strength from you. I need it more than ever. I hope we can exchange our strengths and smiles at the end, I hope you don’t even need mine.

Love.

Read More: Dear Neel #3