All posts by Moushmi Radhanpara

I wish I could be more specific about myself but I cannot. If only I knew myself I would be able to tell someone who actually I am. I am a person yet in search of oneself, and I truly hope and pray that I fathom myself before the eternity.

The Mask That Fell Off!

 

I saw love in your eyes

I saw the warmth,

The flamboyant smiles.

 

I saw the care in your heart

I saw the fear,

The painful pleasure.

 

I saw the truth in your soul

I saw the honesty,

The serene simplicity.

 

And then one day I saw the true colors

I saw the wild lies

I saw the raging rashness

And I saw the youthful odium.

 

Now what do I presume?

Which colors do I assume?

What is right?

What is wrong?

 

I lost faith in myself

While you, shook me to my inner essential.

Was I wrong before?

Am I wrong now?

 

Were you so good in representing?

Or am I so bad in arbitrating?

Am I so inanely innocuous?

Or you are just astonishingly facetious?

 

I though I saw love

I though I saw scrupulousness

But in a flick, one day

The mask fell off

And I didn’t know

What to believe in!

An Unexpected One Liner.

“Aandhere me jo bhi dikhe, us se darr hi lagta hai.”

My friend said this to me yesterday. The literal translation of which is, “Anything that you see in the dark, is most certainly going to scare you.”

And somehow I find that that this friend is always right and meeting him for this occasional coffee proves more than just a cup of coffee. This is not the first time he has struck a one liner and stumped me. He does this time and again, sometimes only trying to be funny, and the other times, trying to compose my edgy nerves. And almost every time he succeeds in his intentions.

After he said this to me, I kept mulling over it, and I could only decipher its truth even more, after every passing second.

Isn’t he right? I mean sometimes does not the smallest of things bother you only because there is something else crucial going around? Doesn’t sometimes some incidents leave a mark on you more than they should, only because they came after a chain of unwanted events, shaking you? Do you not sometimes, feel scared only because something else is scaring you? Do you not feel scared in the darkness only because there is something uncertain? Do you not feel scared because there is nothing to see in that darkness? Do you not be scared only because you might be scared of the darkness? Are you not scared of being scared itself?

PS: I don’t know how much I make sense today to any one of you..

 

Living In An Illusory World.

Writers and readers are hopelessly romantic. They live in a fictional world, and tend to be unacceptable to the real world. They immerse themselves so much in a world, which does not exist that they deviate and forget that they live in a world, which does exist. They seek pleasure in something, which is unreal, and shirk their responsibilities towards reality. They live in denial; they live with indifference. They do not live in actuality. Myth engulfs them so strongly that pragmatism and logic become their adversaries. These writers and readers do not know how the real world works.”

This, my friend, is an allegation on me today. But what can I say to this?

May be I am irrational. May be I don’t think practically. May be I shed off my responsibilities, may be I do live in too many worlds at a point of time. May be I am hopelessly romantic. May be I do live in denial. May be I live in a fictional world, and may be I really do not know how this “real world” works?

But does anyone actually know the difference?

All I got to say about this is,

“I have lived a thousand lives and I have lived a thousand loves. I’ve walked on distant worlds and seen the end of time. Because I read.” –George R. R. Martin.

Yes, I read and I write and most of the times I immerse myself so much in these two things that I forget the real from unreal. I can barely make what was true and what was a dream. I forget the real world in the process of making a beautiful world for myself where I can live. And many a times I don’t want to come back from there, well, most of the times. And what’s more? I can’t. I can’t just do that. I have to come back.

So is that not enough? Is it not enough that I have to come back, and I do come back into the so-called real world and try to live in it.

Is it not enough that I live a life, which I don’t want to?

Breaking Apart!

Somehow, I do not agree with people who keep saying that you are strong, that you can do it, you must not break down, even when you see the person in a state where he sees nothing but darkness. Forgive me, but I just cannot bring myself to say that you have no right in breaking down.

I feel, that we all have the right to break apart sometimes, fall to the lowest of your levels, shatter into as many pieces as you want, for only when you are at your lowest, do you realise that there is nowhere else to go but, somewhere above it.

Breaking apart could be wrong, only and only when it becomes a habit. So,

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Love Or Lust?

I was standing in front of the dresser, the mirror reflecting my red dress to perfection, my hair, as always remain untamed and in order only as much as I could bid them to be in. The only accessory defining my body was a pair of diamond studs, glinting in the lights above me. I was looking breathtaking, in my own simple way, or so I thought. (Always the self obsessed me) I was screwing one of the studs into my ears when I heard a knock on the door, and my heart skipped a beat.

 

Thoughts rushed into my mind, all at once, uninvited, unwanted, messing up with me. Should I have worn that little black dress after all? Was this too plain? Should I have worn those high stilettos instead of these sneakers? Was that bracelet more appropriate than this regular unadorned watch? Would just a bit of lipstick have done any harm? Should I have listened to my friend after all? Oh god, so many should’s and would’s, but it was all too late. “Stop frowning and open the door instead.” I tell myself. But my legs froze. It wouldn’t budge. And I kept puzzling myself.

 

“Move” but as always in times of urgency, my stubborn self wouldn’t even listen to myself.

 

The knock persisted, and then the door opened slightly, a small gap, a voice from somewhere, but I was all lost.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

And there he was, his charming self, smiling at me.

 

I was at a loss of words.

 

Say something, I screamed at myself. But all my dumb ass would do was to stand there and fidget nervously, uncomfortably.

 

I hadn’t even realized that I was looking right into his eyes, and as the realization dawns on me, I look down. I look everywhere but at him. I am at a loss of words, and I have no idea, what am I suppose to do now. I wonder if his presence is always going to make me go so weak. But it was not so before. Before, I could talk to him without any of these hesitations. How did this happen? How did I suddenly start drooling for this man? How did I suddenly loose my senses by just looking at this man? I wonder if this is always going to be like this? I wonder what he is thinking right now. I keep wondering…

 

And the next thing I know is, he is standing right in front of me, my hands in his, fingers entwined, his eyes glaring down on me, urging me to look at him. I succumb there, despite the realizations of my clammy hands. I look up. And that look, that smile? That’s enough to make me go weak in the knees. All the blood drains away from me, down to the edge of my toes, and I almost stop breathing. I look everywhere but at him, everywhere but at his smile, constantly teasing me.

 

He has pushed me to the wall, my brains have stopped working and I lose my breath when he is inches away from me. My stupid heart, which has lead me to this, standing in front of him, dumb founded? My stupid heart which did not listen to me; to neither of my warnings, that stupid heart is in my mouth, and is ready to jump off and leave me any second. In one swift motion he frees my hair and all I can think of is how long it’s going to take me to do them again. And I laugh at my own callousness. I mean, this magnificent man, right here, is standing in front of me, I am almost in his arms, and all I can think of is how long would it take for me to tie them again? “Just don’t tie them, you fool!” I scold myself.

 

He puts a rigid lock of hair behind my ears and bends a little towards it, as if to say something. I can hear his steady breaths, but he stays there, just smiling, not saying a word. How I wished for him to say something, anything, anything that could break the silence. Anything that could make my mind stop having thoughts leading to God knows where. Anything to know what he has in his mind, what he is thinking? His cool breaths tingling my skin, sending shivers down me; the kind of shivers and feelings I have never felt before.

 

I am drawn towards him, closer and yet closer, thinking how much closer can I get anymore? But the space seems never ending. He grips me at the waist, and in a flash I am right in his arms. I clutch at his soft flannel shirt, knowing not what to do. I fail to look at him now. His hands were caressing my arms, tickling me. What the hell was happening? Tickles were my best friend, and now even they betrayed me? What the hell happened to not being tickled by anyone? Here I was all shivering, with his slight touch. WHAT WAS WRONG?

 

Will he ever stop smiling and staring at me like that?

 

But he comes even closer, making me wonder where exactly is the distance anymore? He stoops, his hands at my waist, his lips, searching mine. But he stays there, breathing softly against my lips, I can feel his smile, I can listen to my own small rapid breaths, and then he bites me, a soft— languid— lusting— bite at the corner of my mouth, faintly piercing at my lower lip, not even trying to kiss me. No lips, no tongues and yet this was enough. Turned on was not even close to what I felt.

 

Yes, this was enough. My mind literally stopped working, and my heart had fled not my mouth but my entire body, I had no sense of what exactly was happening. Yes this was enough. All the breaths leave me; my heart stops first, and then starts drumming against my chest and in my ears, as he withdraws his face a tiny bit. I could feel a hot sensation on my face burning from within, and I turned scarlet. All the blood drains away from me, even my feet feel weak, as if something, everything was sucked out of me. I grip tighter onto his shirt, as if that was the only thing helping me to realize that this wasn’t a dream, my feet scratching the floor only to feel there was a floor beneath me. Oh, I melt. I melt, under his pulling gaze. I have Goosebumps even at the back of my neck. And there are butterflies, well; an army of butterflies doing God knows what inside my stomach. I didn’t even realize that I had held my breath until he withdrew completely and held my hands again, piercing down at me with an all-new hunger in his eyes. The kind of hunger reminding me of my all my crazy fantasies, of all kinds of Christian Grey’s and all kinds of inner goddesses. But then he withdrew, his smile seemingly teasing my train of thoughts.

 

His forehead rests on mine, smiling his sexy, casual smile above me. And I blush; I blush like I have never blushed before in his presence. I have no idea what is going on. Why didn’t he kiss me? I mean he already almost did it, but then why did he withdraw himself? Why leave something incomplete? I was eager, as I had never been before. I was wanting, as I had never been before. What exactly was happening? I had never acted this dumb before, never! I could not look into his eyes; I could not even muster the courage to speak. Was I really I?

 

Face flushed hot, I somehow bear to look at him, to look at those lustrous eyes, at those sensual smiles.

 

“You look gorgeous, and as much as I’d like to stand here, looking at you blushing, we have to get going. I am pretty sure you wouldn’t want to miss the beginning of the show.” He winks at me.

 

Show? I couldn’t even remember anything about the show anymore. I had wanted to go there for so long, and somehow the tickets were arranged, and now all I was wondering was how could he leave me there, mid way in the air, after what he just did to me.

 

“I am waiting downstairs.” And that is all I hear before he closes the door behind him.

 

He leaves me there, with a hoarse breathing; wanting, confused, devoid of all the confidence of looking “breathtaking in my own simplicity”. What was I even thinking saying that in the first place? No man with his looks, and his charms, and his smile, and his eyes…. Could call me breathtaking! And yet there I was, thinking, God knows what?

 

I give one look to myself in the mirror, and I think there was too much makeup on my cheeks, only realizing that there was none to begin with. Oh god!! Was I a complete lost case? How did this happen? What exactly was this? God, what he does to me!! What was it? What is it? I am certain I am not in love. Or am I? NO!! May be this is lust!! Yes, lust, I tell myself. I just want him. But do I? No, but this wasn’t lust? I mean it felt something more than that. Sure, everyone says that. But wouldn’t lust would have lead to something more than this. Wouldn’t it? Oh Lord, I am screwed!!

 

And suddenly, everything seemed perfect, the red dress, zero make-up, no accessories, the not-so-tied-untamed-hair, and the sneakers. All was perfect; except the foolish smile. Everything seemed perfect but that stupid smile that I was wearing.

 

In a second, all came back to me, the show. Yes, I didn’t want to miss it. I grabbed my phone and wallet and rushed downstairs, to find him waiting by the door. He stood aside for me, ever the gentleman that he was, and soon we were walking side by side in the fresh air, in that cool after-rain evening, brushing hands against each other’s.

 

One Big Happy Family #5

First the warning which is very essential for the posts like this: If you are looking for heads and tails to a story, do not, I repeat do not proceed reading this post, not even as much as look at the pictures.

*

You guys, Mr. A is in so much of distress. This sweet little man, is pining for his Mrs, who because of some misunderstanding has gone away from him. I feel so terrible for Mr. A that I thought I’d go and find Mrs. B myself. But I had to deal with Mr. Z first, who, in the first place has created so much of trouble in my only happy ever after.

In my absence that evil Mr. Z has put seeds of suspicion in the mind of that innocent Mrs. B and now my one big happy family is in danger. See for yourself, the place looks so empty without them. 😦

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I miss them you know.

But then one find day, I saw Mr. A crying in vain for his beloved. I could hear him singing that very song, Gumshuda, O Gumshuda.. Dekhne mein hai haseen
Rehti hai yahin kahin
Kho gayi, haan kho gayi
Woh pari, woh apsara, dilnashi, dilruba
Kho gayi, haan kho gayi

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See, my Mr. A has become a hopeless romantic just like SRK.

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I guess seeing him so heart broken, melted down Mrs. B, and she came back to their old abode one fine evening.

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But she had her own tantrums. She came back, but she wouldn’t talk to Mr. A.

That sweet and caring Mr. A and she wouldn’t talk to him.

But Mr. A wouldn’t loose hope, and he started his own pattern of wooing her again.

Somehow, he convinced her to stay with him for at least a few days. But that stubborn Mrs. B wouldn’t agree. In the end after a long argument it was decided that they would stay at the same place, but in different rooms since now, she needed her ‘own space!!’

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Of course Mr. A, the ever romantic that he is, didn’t give up. He kept calling from his above room, and sang to her the entire melody of-

Main Yahan Tu Wahan, Jindagi Hai Kahan
Tu Hi Tu Hai Sanam Dekhta Hoon Jahan
Neend Aati Nahi Yaad Jaati Nahi
Bin Tere Abb Jiya Jaaye Naa…..
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See the tears!! How could she not melt??
And yet, she remained determined in not talking to him. So my Mr. A decided to ask her out on a date, where finally, she melted. Oh what smiles it brought out on that face of my dear romantic hero.
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Oh he even played the background music 😀
Do Dil Mil Rahe Hain
Magar Chupke Chupke
Sabhko Ho Rahi Hai
Haan Sabhko Ho Rahi Hai
Khabar Chupke Chupke……..
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And he even cried that ‘Tussi ja rahe ho? Tussi na jao” wala dialogue when they were leaving.
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But the very adamant Mrs. B had to leave him, only to teach him God knows what!! So they parted ways, and after a few days, just in time when their kids were about to come home from their long vacation, they united.
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And the kids even sang the ever melodramatic- Janmon Ke Saathi Hum Saath Saath Hain for their parents……
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And my one big happy family lives happily ever after.
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I am telling you, so far as happy ending goes, this is what I have, and I am going to try and do everything to keep this so.
And I presume that by now you know how crazy and irrational I can get through my posts sometimes. So if you have come this far, I truly thank you to bear with this crazy and stupid woman, time and again.
PS: Sorry to those who wouldn’t have heard these songs and will literally be unable to make heads and tails of the story.

Peace or Pieces?

Gather your pieces and

Walk towards the peace

That you have been pining for.

 

It is always easy to say that your life is in pieces, always very convenient to blame it on your destiny, or on someone else.

But the reality is that when in distress we simply don’t wish to see the reality hidden beneath the dust of illusion. If only we’d be brave enough to face our very own delusions, our own misgivings, and our faults we would see the truth. We would know where exactly something is wrong. We need to have the courage to tell ourselves that it is enough, and we need to gather ourselves, face the reality, tell ourselves that there is no going back, and resolve to walk with courage anew.

 

It is time we tell ourselves,

“Gather your pieces and

Walk towards the peace

That you have been pining for,

For the peace ain’t coming running to you.”