Category Archives: Human Nature

Today’s Realisation!!

We have come to live in such a society, among such people that you don’t expect people to really care these days. And when someone shows or even tries to show that he or she cares, it is so surprising that we need a moment to sit back and think about what just happened.

I have come to believe and assume that people in general really are selfish and mean, and also so very self obsessed, but once in a while I do come across so polite and selfless people that I have to sit back and think what and how it just happened? It takes me back, with so much surprise that all my mind asks is, “How was this person so nice? And more importantly, Why?”

It doesn’t matter if the person is helpful of not, all it matters is the intention of that person. Most people have just forgot to be simply nice.

You are a Reader.

Today I have another reader realization, Bare with me..

 

You know you are a reader, you are certain that it is the only pleasure in your life, that it is the only solution to all your problems, that reading is the only source to digress yourself from all those problems, that reading is the only way to maintain sanity and that it is the only way to run away from reality.

 

So you think that you are a reader.

 

At least I thought so, or rather I think so, every time I see a book and find my mouth drooping at the magical words.

 

Until recently when I literally dozed off early in the morning, a book in my hand, and woke up after two hours only to realize that I was already running late for the day.

 

How come I dozed off? Well, as it happens, I am up for reading anything any place by anyone only till I am willing to do it, which is of my own accord. But as soon as someone pressurizes me for it, my mind stops working and I go numb. In this case, I am being pressurized by the so called ‘College people, here the examiners’.

 

My exams are coming up and I don’t understand why that this time I have to really try hard to even study what I like. My papers consists everything that I like, at least mostly what I like. I have to read theories, novels, stories and poems for them and yet here I am, trying to not nod off while preparing for them. Seriously, what is wrong with me? Had I heard of something from someplace else, I would definitely go and hunt down every little information about it and read it even in the middle of the night. But since it is in my syllabus all I am thinking about is that I have to study it, prepare an answer and then just write it down in my exam. I absolutely understand that this is wrong, the entire concept is wrong, this way I don’t understand anything and will be blindly following the teaching method usually applied. I have never been this, but I don’t know what is wrong. I am concentrating only on the fact that I have ‘exams.’

 

I’ll give you an instance, if I had come across the word ‘Marxism’ some place else then I was sure to Google every detail about it and read it till I understood it, but now that it is in my syllabus, I am almost day dreaming about sipping a drink near the ocean under the warm sun after my exams.

 

And I called myself a reader? I guess the problem is that not only I have to read it but understand it, retain it and prepare for the ‘exams’.

 

Okay, enough with the word ‘exams’ today, I guess I’ll go and pick up some long forgotten book which I might have read so many times, only to remind myself that I am a reader. 😀

 

 

“Your Eyes Speak, Darling!”

It is often advised not to build a business with a friend or a relative, because one of them will never flourish. And the ever adamant person that I am, I will go and definitely do that.

A few years ago I met this person, who initially was abhorred by me but when I got to know him, I realised I was so wrong, completely wrong. And that’s how our friendship began. I had stopped expecting anything out of any relationship by then and so this began as a general acquaintance for me which inadvertently took to a really good friendship. I still didn’t expect anything out of it. When I say ‘expect’ all I mean is that I didn’t expect him to do anything for me, I didn’t expect him to really bother for me or I had no intention in worrying him. I am short of words here.. do you get it? What I am trying to say.

Anyways, so we became good friends and really good friends for that matter where there is no scope of any kind of romantic relationship from both the sides (thankfully). And then after a while we started working together.

I got to know him even better.

Since this is a work-friend relationship we make sure we decide primarily when we are talking as friends, and when as co-workers. But of course many a times we divert ways and so far it has never been ugly.

Today, I met this person after a few days and we were discussing work over a cup of coffee. We were almost done, when I caught him staring at me, more so like glaring at me. My mind went blank, why was he not focused at what I was saying. And I had to snap at him to bring him out of his reverie.

We simply discussed work and as soon as we got finished with it, he blurted out, “Why don’t you go out somewhere? You are truly disturbed and in an objectionable amount of pain.”

I was flummoxed. I almost stammered which is really unlike me and then decided to keep shut, pretending to drink my coffee.

“You go on a leave; you are stressed and really burdened with work, a break would help you.”

We weren’t even discussing anything personal. We were discussing work for God’s sake. How would he know anything about my life right now? I gulped another sip of coffee and stared blankly at him.

“You deserve it,” With that I knew he wouldn’t say anything further.

I knew I had to say something, I couldn’t let him waver. He is my friend too and I owed him an answer. But what?

My hands are wrapped in a fist, and he smiles. Fuck! He does know me well.

I let go of my hands and say “But how would you know any of that?” trying to sound confident and challenging.

Who was I kidding?

“Your eyes speak, darling.”

And just that way, my eyes grew bigger and I gulped down air as fast as I could. He knows me from my eyes? How? Really? Is that possible?

He didn’t ask me anything further; he knew I would never say. I never do. I just shut myself down from emotions. And he left me with that thought.

We finished our coffee, and I diverted him with my tactics, I bombarded him with my questions about him, and made it all about him and I won! We were soon into his problems and how he was dealing with them. We left soon.

He dropped me home as a friend, reminding me to make some work calls as a co-worker. But my mind kept wondering. I didn’t ‘expect’ anything from him. And yet he proved to be really a good friend. Well, more than a good friend.

You just don’t lose these kind of people, whoever they are, and whatever kind of relationship you have with them, you just don’t. They are too special to lose.

 

Heart! Mind! Or a Grammar Nazi?

Most of the time when I write or post something, it gets confused for being true. Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it is a part of my delusion or imagination. Whatever be it, imagination or truth there is one thing that keeps getting in my way, which is whether to write it with my heart at hand or with my mind. This dilemma between heart and mind is constant, not for me alone but for almost everyone. And it is true to writing too, that when it comes to a battle between heart and mind there is absolutely no one who can win.

If you think with your heart your mind loses but if you consider things with your mind your heart loses. There is nothing new here, right?

But there is a set pattern I have noticed in myself, in my writings precisely. Going through my past posts and or certain unpublished pieces I realised that when I have written with rationality the pieces are fine, but when I have my emotions out, I make mistakes as silly as no one who knows proper grammar will make.

Yesterday going through one of my posts, I remembered a long lost incident from my school. When I was in my early school days my English teacher used to make sure that we made no grammatical errors in our grammar paper, for this she would go to really great extremes, so much, as when we made a certain mistake we would have to write it on a sheet of paper at least 50 times. Writing that correct sentence for so many times, I don’t think anyone would make that mistake again. One such time even I had written sentences like, “No sooner did….” And “I didn’t know….”  For 50 times so that I would never make that mistake again. And that is how I remember even today how the tenses work.

But when yesterday I was reading one particular post where my heart was literally put out into words, I realised that I had lost sense of grammar and I had literally gone as far as writing, “I didn’t knew.” (I am ashamed!)

If my English teacher would read that today, she would laugh at me till her cheeks would hurt. First she wouldn’t even believe that I could write that, and then if she would have believed it, finally, then she would certainly laugh at my callousness, and loss of my sanity.

So we go to such extremes, isn’t it, when our hearts are not in their places? Or should I say when our minds are not in our places?

Can there ever be equilibrium when it comes to the matters of heart? Can we ever rationalise things or we are for ever to be acting as the lost ones when we just cannot chose between our hearts and minds?

“Who am I?”

Preparing an essay on feminism I came across something which made me thinking, well, a lot of thinking happened after this. Nothing new, right? That is usually me, who keeps thinking on anything and everything.

So this is what I read today, a simple description on how women are depressed and what Friedan writes-

“I’ve tried everything women are supposed to do- hobbies, gardening, pickling, canning, being very social with my neighbours, — I can do it all, and I like it, but it doesn’t leave you anything to think about- any feeling of who you are. I never had any career ambitions. All I wanted was to get married and have four children. I love the kids and Bob and my home. There’s no problem you can even put a name to. But I am desperate. I begin to feel I have no personality. I am a server of food and a putter-on of pants and a bedmaker; somebody who can be called on when you want something. But who am I?”

I read a lot of things today, a lot which struck my mind and touched me but this dug something deep in my sub conscious mind.

That feeling, where you are absolutely helpless, when you don’t know what to do; when you question your own identity; that is absolutely depressing. And I do not have the courage to live with it. The point is I don’t ever want to have that kind of courage.

What would be the point of my life if I have to question my own identity?

You would say, why abruptly I am thinking so much, and why the question of identity? Nothing is wrong with my life, but this moved deep chords inside me.

I have never been too ambitious, no I won’t say I had no ambitions, I don’t even want too much from my life. No, I don’t want to get married and have four children, maybe I don’t even want to get married at all. May be I don’t even know what exactly do I want. But I just don’t want this feeling- the feeling of being desperate, the feeling that you can’t even name your problem, I don’t want to be that person who loses her personality, who just becomes a person who can be called on.

I cannot begin to think what it would be like to live where you don’t have anything to think about. Can you imagine, me, having nothing to think about?

I have always said, I have unending questions, that I am seeking answers, that I am searching for myself. This I can live with, a quest that might not end, where I am still searching for myself. But I might not be able to live with the question, “Who am I?” It is not even about living with that question. I don’t ‘want’ to ever live with that question.

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Faith.

“I have faith in God!

I have faith in my guardian angel who brought me here and who stays here with me.”

*

I might have posted this before, but I am writing this again today. I read this somewhere, and I still have faith in this.

“I believe in my Guardian Angel, I do.” Just a reminder!!

Death Or Life- What Gives You True Pain?

2018 has not been very compatible to me yet, I guess it doesn’t feel good with me, or it just doesn’t want to make me feel good. Any which ways, I am tortured. 3 months and 3 deaths!! How is that possible? How am I supposed to even live with it? You will say, I have to and I will but it doesn’t at all feel good. None of them were close family members but all of the three people were relatives, one being a friend a distant one, a junior school-mate and yet I do not feel good about it. I feel sad.

Having received death news is never good news, of course it never is but then when you hear about a person’s death that was your age, your friend, you do not know what to do. It cripples your heart.

This friend I am talking about wasn’t my best friend, so I cannot say I am dying inside to hear this, but he was a kind person, a sweet person. I knew his family very well, his sister, his mother, even his dad. All of them are such lovely souls, and yet, I ask, do they really deserve this? Do they deserve the death of a young son, a young and a happy-go-lucky brother? Does that young boy deserve death? I repeat, young, again and again, only to emphasise, the fact that a mere 20 something person died, all of a sudden, leaving behind all his loved ones, shattered and broken.

I feel so depressed, writing about it, even thinking about it, that I cannot even begin to think how and what his family might be going through. I, really cannot say that I understand their pain, no I cannot, and can never until I go through such a loss.

This brings me to a thought, again and again and again. What if something so traumatic happens with me or my family? What if, I have to go through something so disturbing and painful? What will I do? I am losing it completely now, how would I handle anything beyond this?

Death is unpredictable, absolutely uncertain, then how can anyone live with this uncertainty?

And yet, we have to. We have no other alternative. Do we?

They say; time heals everything. But does it? Or does it simply makes you immune, and gives you the patience to live with it?

The selfish human that I am, I am making it all about me, again. I am forgetting, rambling about my agony here, that this, what I am going through now, is simply nothing. It is ‘just’ a fear of losing someone, and the pain of losing a friend, an acquaintance, and in no case it can be compared to what his family might be going through now. I am truly sorry for him and his family. Whatever I write and say here, can in no possible way express what I am feeling right now. I can in no amount of synonyms and adjectives express my feelings. I am so deeply touched that it can be expressed with nothing, with no words.

I cannot even begin to think what his loved ones might be going through now, and honestly I do not have the courage to, too.

William Shakespeare once said, “Death once dead, there’s no more dying then.”

So is it okay, that he is dead? His pain is over, right? But what about the people that he left behind? I ask this here, because, there is a possibility that he committed suicide. I cannot say for sure, we have just heard it. Some said, it was a road accident, and yet others who lived with him have to say that he committed suicide. We don’t know, and we might never know. But does the reason matter?

Does it?

According to Shakespeare, after death, there is no pain, but I guess there is. There definitely is.

I am sorry. I guess I have said enough, only to feel more vulnerable. Today, all I can think about is death, and its consequences. This truly is not making me feel good. (I know I must have repeated this several times, but I honestly don’t feel good.)

To end this post on a cliché dialogue from a full time Bollywood movie (Boss)

Ronit Roy says-“ maut ko to yuhin log badnam karte hai.. asli takleef to zindagi deti hain.”

“People defame death, but true pain and suffering comes from life.” (Okay, I know the English translation might not be that effective.)

And I think, today, I do agree with this dialogue, doesn’t suffering come from life? Once you are dead, you are simply dead. But when you are alive, you are alive, alive with that excruciating pain. And you can do nothing about it.

I am in no position to judge anything here, nor do I want to. But I desperately feel bad for this friend of mine. We may have lost touch, but this news came as a shock.

In a flick, he just passed away, and left behind grief and misery for everyone who knew him.

From the bottom of my heart, I pray that no single person has to go through with the kind of pain that he might have gone through, and that his family must be going through. May all of them find the strength that they truly need in this crucial hour.

And may his kind soul rest in peace.