Category Archives: It’s Humour time.

His torturous existence.

I am a woman

And by default I have a best friend.

I met ‘him’ at a tender age,

When I was 14

And for everyone I knew

I was already late.

When the first time I called my friend ‘him’

I was frowned upon.

“It is she, my dear! It is only your chance.”

But I didn’t want that chance, you know.

Who would want a friend

Who comes unannounced

At all the wrong times

When you plan to go for a swim

Or have a dance show

Or better yet

When you already have 10 different aches,

Who would want a friend that will just add another set of pains?

But there I was, at 14

And just because I ticked the box ‘Female’

I had a best friend,

Who would be with me till times inane.

And so I complied,

Now, if I have to have him inside my body every month

Why not make the best of it?

So, every month I would cry

When he would enter me

And I’d simply shy

Wouldn’t know how to walk-

Did he make everyone this uncomfortable?

Or was I the only one who would feel as a

Combustible?

So I would sit and complain,

I can’t go out

I am not well

And I just want to sit and read and eat and sleep and rest-

My excuses were never enough,

For I was a woman

And people were after equality

So it didn’t matter

And so I had to plaster a smile

Even when my cramps would let in no air.

As time went by,

My best friend became consistent,

Ever month, after almost 35 days

He’d visit me

And make me want to become a man.

“Why did he not have any pain?” I’d wonder.

But then if ‘he’ was the one giving me so much pain

How could he himself accustom to such cruel gain.

I call him

And every man, and woman would cringe-

But come on, it has to be a ‘him’

Who else would think of harassing a woman

The likes of this-

If it weren’t for a ‘him’?

It can only be a him

Who gives me such a headache,

Who makes me a throbbing backache?

Who makes my walking difficult,

With his unwanted intrusion,

Who makes my stomach bloat

Who takes away from my own body, my very own blood,

Who makes me consistently wet

And pains me with his very existence!

Of course it has to be a ‘him’-

Its name itself involves ‘Men-‘

Of course it has to be a him-

Ladies, at least must agree,

But then we live in a conventional society

Where talking about being wet is grimaced upon,

Let alone the talk of staining your pants,

Shhhhhhhh—-

You are making it very clear, woman

Stop talking!

We are at the point where we fight for equality

And you saying these things

Isn’t helping

You are a woman

And you just have to live with your best friend.

And so I tell myself

I am a woman,

As if I didn’t know so far

And since I am a woman

I will just have to live with it.

As if I could literally do anything about it!

And so I make sure that I carry ‘things’ with myself

Everywhere,

Carefully hiding it from the men’s stare.

God forbid they know

What we go through.

Let alone ‘him’ being the only reason we go through.

Then comes the choice of colors of my dresses

Where I will make sure to avoid

The white and lights

When I will somehow know

That ‘he’ is going to visit me.

And then suddenly I will have to cancel all the fun plans

Only because I am not up for it,

And my mood is so unreliable

That I will hate even myself

But I still go and work just as such

For I am a woman,

And that is just a part of me.

That ‘him’ is just a part of me.

And just suddenly, because I am the one inviting problems,

I will have the unknowing urge to visit a temple,

Why?

I am not even that religious

But just because I am not “allowed”

I want to go in-

And I will somehow land up at my relatives place

Where again I am not ‘allowed’ to

Sit on the sofa

On the bed

Or eat just as naturally.

For I am dirty on those days

And I just don’t love it.

But then again I am a woman,

And that is how I am ‘suppose’ to be.

My friend will come and visit

That is by default-

In my system-

And I will have to just live with it.

I don’t have a choice.

‘He’ is just a part of me.

And just like all other men

He is just another sour ache on my body,

My mind

Straining my life with his very existence.

 

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White lies!

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I hate to lie,

About when I am going to lie.

I tell people that I am definitely tired,

When all I want is my ebooks to be fired.

They think the days toils have left me, arduous,

When in reality, I want to show my love,

Towards whom, I am so much virtuous.

They think they have succeeded,

In ripping me off, of my words and fantasy,

But a little more planning was supposed to be needed,

To have committed such a blasphemy.

But then again, I am happy to lie,

For under the sheets, I get to lie,

Where everyone tends to forgo the white lie.

 

 

Self Obsession!

I love myself. Hell yeah, I do! I mean come on, I am awesome 😀

Okay, enough with the self obsession.

I say this today because I love one thing about me. Whenever I read something good, a word, a sentence, a quote, a paragraph, I write it down and keep it with myself. At first, I used to keep a small memo pad or a pocket diary full of such amazing, jaw dropping quotes. (It doesn’t mean you like these quotes too. It is only, my taste that we are talking about here) But over the time I have stopped keeping that diary and instead I just write it down. So by now I have such wonderful lines written everywhere, on post it’s, on the back of a journal, on a single torn paper, on my phone, as a memo, as a draft message, and pretty much everywhere. What is wrong with this method is the fact that I cannot ever compile them at a single place now. But on the other hand, I get these as a surprise sometimes when I am least expecting them. For instance, today, I was rummaging through an old book, where I found a folded sheet of paper on which there was a very beautiful line. I am not even going to try translating it from Hindi, for the effort is going to be extremely hilarious. But I attach the sheet below, if by chance you like it.

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I am pretty sure, this was not from a book, but may be a historical TV series, I just cannot place it. But isn’t it pretty? And ever since I have found this, I am simply smiling, smiling like an ignorant fool.

And even if it is not, I like it all the same. I love it, in fact. Remember, it’s all about self love now? So I love this, I love the way I keep writing these beautiful lines everywhere. and yes, I love myself!! Kyuki mai apni favourite hoon!! 😀

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Superhuman.

I wonder how people exactly multi task so much. Oh, don’t get me wrong; I am not talking about simple things like walking and texting, or eating and watching TV. I have bigger issues today. There are people who do millions of things together and yet seem never to get tired.

 

I know some people who do this! I am not kidding!!

 

Their chores start the moment the wake up, and seem never ending. It all begins with a morning work out/ exercise/ walk, and goes on to their respective jobs. Well of course a single job doesn’t suffice and so there is another part time work from home thing. And they seem to have time for that too. Their lunches are always never alone, considering how many people they have to keep up with. The evening brings back the writing ant inside of them and hence starts the blogging world, which of course requires an exceptional amount of time. Blogging is of course never a one-hand thing, leading to various social media for recognition, where of course they are extraordinarily rewarded. They have a social presence in a virtual world too. Their friends know their whereabouts constantly, from what they are doing, where they are doing, to why and with whom they are. Hence their social life is hype. Well, as dusk falls, dinner reservations are made for social life is not for only social media, made. So, when the person comes back home, with a stomach full, and a little weekday booze, a coffee is needed so that the person does not snooze. As the exams are approaching the person needs to prepare too. And hence a couple of hours are spent, wracking the brains and selecting the mains, whereby sleep befalls, and peace prevails.

 

Please tell me how do these people do this! Are they even human or some super power do they attain? Do I lack that kind of brain? Or am I just too lazy and of course a little crazy to even follow that kind of train?

 

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PS: This is me, pretty much after doing every single thing!

Mr. Coffee Hater #2

Aaj jane ki zid na karo.. yu hi pehlu me baithe raho…..

 

I hum along the very old lyrics, sitting in my balcony, sipping that hot cup of coffee, drenching in that cool, chilly after-rain air, that unseasonal rain which leaves everything all the more beautiful. I am lost; lost in that very strong cup of coffee, lost among those very soothing winds; lost in a different era of love.

 

I am lost when suddenly, out of nowhere, disconcerting my train of thoughts, This stupid Mr. Coffee Hater barges in rushing, fluttering, clapping, smiling, “Pehle muje ane to do, uske baad me jane ki zid karunga na.” I have to literally battle with my calm, with my soothing mind to come back and realize what exactly happened.

 

“You frightened me.” I scream.

“Someone’s in a mood!!” comes back the taunting respond.

“Don’t even let me begin on mood.”

“Oh ever the dramatic Moushmi.”

“Yeah? You think I do drama all the time?”

“Well, not all the time. At least not when you sing such wonderful, soulful songs for me.”

He thinks the song is for him!! Oh God!! Can he really be any more self-obsessive?

“The song wasn’t for you.” I retort.

“Of course it wasn’t.” And he tries patting my hand.

“Oh, just get lost.”

“But I just came in.” He tries with all his roughish charms.

“Yeah, but you didn’t come in when I needed you. Oh, you are just the same. It will probably do you more good if you just left!”

“I was busy.” He tries puppy faces.

“Yeah, and so I am, now!! Any plans on leaving, then?”

“Well, I am not disturbing you, am I?”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I am not. All I can remember is you were singing or should I say trying to sing a song, whereby you were pleading with me to not go.” He smirks.

“For the 100thtime, the song wasn’t for you.”

“Let’s say, I agree that it wasn’t for me. Then may I ask, whom were you dedicating it to?” He really tries.

“No, you may not know.”

“Oh, come on! I go away for a little while and you throw all your tantrums on me. I said I am sorry.”

“No, you never said sorry!”

“I did.”

“In your head, you did!!”

“Someone’s really angry this time!.” He mumbles.

“I heard that!!

“Yeah, well if you heard that, do you hear me asking for that damned coffee?”

“Since when have you started liking coffee?”

“Oh, I still hate it. But if that is what it takes for you to calm down, lady? Then coffee it is!”

“Oh come on. I don’t want your upkaar.” I snap.

“It is not upkaar. I mean it.” He smiles that foolish smile.

I wonder. Is he right? Is he fooling me? I try to read his face, but before I can he changes the topic. “So, I hear you were really missing me?”

“I have better things to do, than miss someone who hates coffee!”

“Are we still on that?”

“Well, we will be on that until you start drinking coffee!!”

“So, is there anything new except of your coffee?” he changes the topic again.

“No.” I am still very adamant.

“How’s work?

“Good.”…………. “But come to think of it….”

“There it is. I was just wondering how have you not ‘thought’ of anything so far. HAHAHA you and your thinking.”

“If my thinking bothers you so much, then why did you come here again?”

“I heard you were missing me.” He flatters himself.

“Well, you had fake news. Be assured of that!”

“Seriously?” He rolls his eyes at me.

“Yes!!”

“Oh, in that case I must go. I just thought……”

“Ha ha! Caught you. I have told you. Thinking isn’t your responsibility. You fail miserably at it.”

“Yeah, I know. I just thought I was better at it by now.”

“There, you are doing it again. My dear, you just are pathetic at it.” I rejoice in his failure.

“Yeah? So are you.”

“In what, may I ask?”

No, you may not!!”

Uuuuuuuurrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh

“Why not?”

“Just….”

“Okay, don’t say. But are you going to ever tell me where exactly have you been for so many days?”

“No!” Comes the blatant reply.

“Really?” I stare dumbfounded.

What is wrong with you? I want to scream. But I sip my coffee instead.

“So, what brings you here, today, after so many days? I thought you just forgot me?”

“You!!”

“Oh, please don’t start that again!! Stop being cheesy!!”

“It’s not cheesy.”

“It is.”

“It’s not. And even if it is, at least it’s better than your coffee!!”

I remain silent.

“Are you going to say anything?” He chirps.

I am still silent.

“Okay, then I am leaving.” He is losing patience now.

“WAIT! You can’t go….”

“I know. I know. The coffee isn’t over yet.” He finishes for me.

“So do I get the pleasure to know your name, now?” I am all too politeness for him.

He rolls his eyes and smirks. He just knows its fake.

“You could you if you wanted to.”

“But you won’t say your name.” I almost spill my cup in screaming at him.

“You won’t ask.” He bats his wings angrily.

“I just did.”

“Okay, I will tell you today, just as soon as you finish your idiotic, extremely hot, stupid, excessively strong, unwanted and sour coffee!!!!!”

He has crossed his limits.

I fume.

He winks.

I gulp down the coffee. Enough is enough. I will know his name, today.

He winks again. He smiles mischievously. Bats his wings.

“Aisi baate kiya na karo..” And just as swiftly he flies away, above and beyond. And in another second he is too far away from me.

He is gone. The coffee cup is empty. The wind is whistling into my ears. In the background the wonderful lady, that gorgeous Farida Khannumsmiles vainly into nothingness, “Jaan jati hai jab uth k jate ho tum……..

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Until we meet again.

 

Take care!

More about this stupid, nerving, extremely irritating Coffee Hater: Mr. Coffee Hater- My New Friend!

Book Nerds Will Relate #3

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Of course, I am not insane, right!! How can I be any kind of addict except a book addict 😉

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I promise, just one more 😀

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Men at some time are masters of their fates. The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves!

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Well, truly so!

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True! True! True….

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I chose to remain mum 😉

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I sure do! (Sigh)

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Hahaha, this is absolutely me and I am still not satisfied 😀

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Honest to God, I need this kind of support!!!

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And may be, coffee?

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Probably the only reason, why I don’t do good in relationships 😀

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Seriously, clear your mind people!!!

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Haha, this is true too!

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Totally true! Period..

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Well, this is true too.

*

Hope you had a good laugh, if not, well I am sorry! It’s books we are talking about, so it is important to me and me alone.

Books are and will be a big part of my life.

They have been with me when no one else was.

They have been through me, and been through a lot with me.

When nothing works, a book, empty or otherwise, always comes to my rescue.

So here’s to all the readers and writers, who have a very intelligent and safe addiction of fantasy, having an escape form reality!

Hope you had a fun time with my book shenanigans.

Have a great day!

*

Some more nerdy stuff here: Book Nerds Will relate! and Book Nerds Will Relate #2

 

 

Because It Is Valentine’s!

My last post was a literal tease and I literally blew up the romance in it, and I intend to do the same here. Only I am hoping that by the end I start making a little sense, and give some kind of respect to the feeling called ‘love’.

Warning: I do not intend to hurt anyone, it’s purely innocent!

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What exactly changes this day? Please, tell me!!

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Only Sheldon gets me 😀

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So, before you ask me, here’s the answer…

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Ummm, I’ll have to see if I get all the wine or not 😉

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Egggzzzaaaaccccttttllllyyyy

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Well, I’ll be with Harry. If you now what I mean 😉

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Again, Sheldon gets me.

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Oh, please do it right away!

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Okay, I know, giving too much importance to myself here!!

But, I guess, it’s no big deal 😀

Okay, now jokes apart!

I teased too much I guess. But it’s only because I hate it when I see people taking love so callously. I mean how is it easy for some people to play with such a pious feeling? Every year it’s a joke and more of a show off than the real feeling. It’s like with changing gifts and roses and cards, the person to whom they are giving it to, also changes. I just hate this fact about us. That’s it! Again, I realise, not every one is so, and hence the following 😀

In all honesty, I attach a little sonnet below, for love, to love and with lots and lots of love.

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Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. That’s it!

It is an ever fixed mark!

It is not time’s fool.

It is love, now and ever after, even when things are darkest!

So, here’s wishing you all a very Happy Valentine’s Day. May there be lots and lots of love in every heart!