Category Archives: Just when I don’t know anything.

The Last 5 Days!!

I simply don’t understand where the last 5 days went. Every second that I have lived of 13th to 17th August 2018 seemed like eternity and yet I say, I don’t know how it all went by. I am only happy that it is in the past, and I pray, truly from the bottom of my heart that no one, not even my darkest enemy has to go through what me and my family had to go through in these last days.

Before I say anything I will say a big THANK YOU to all of you here, for it was only your words that I was holding on to. All I had was words and prayers, apart from it, I was helpless. Nothing was in my hands, and I am thankful that everything is getting better. I am not breathing in peace yet, but it’s getting better.

I was away from my city, though in a known place.

I was away from everyone I know, but with my parents.

There were four other people we knew as close family members, with us. These few people are the ones whom we have helped under all circumstances in times of crisis. And I have seen true colors of these few people in these last few days.

In these last few days, I have seen unknown faces smiling at me. I have seen the painful eyes searching for my pain. I have seen the helplessness of people with and without money. I have seen the sympathy that people give each other when they know each one is dealing with their own share of trauma, physical or emotional. I have seen teary eyes, and painful smiles, I have seen the steps of a person walking with a heavy stone tied to his feet.

I have seen this and felt it first hand.

And I truly pray, for that is all I can do, that no one, no one should go through this ever in their lives.

I thought I knew what being alone was. And then I saw something what actually being alone meant. I faced something which I never did before, or which I never thought I would. My lack of knowledge in so many different matters pricked me constantly, and my fear for all the matters relating finance pierced through me. And above all my fear for my loved ones was shaken from the roots.

If anything good has come out of these past few days is only one thing, which is a lesson learnt. I always thought that people stand with each other only in good times, where as in times of crisis, they run away as fast as they can. And in the past few days, this belief was doubly confirmed. My parents have been there for everyone in crucial periods, but when they actually needed help, they were alone. ALONE and LONELY!!

My belief has been confirmed, and it can never change now, that only your parents and your brother/sister/husband/wife is going to be with you at any point of time in your life. No one else, however close you are to them, or however much you have been there for them, are not going to be with you.

I am sorry if this belief is one sided from my experience, but I have been through enough situations where I have been left alone, battling with situations without a sword.

You say this is making me strong?

But my friend, this is only making me weaker from my deeper insides. I am losing faith, inch by inch, my hopes are falling, drop by drop.

I am sorry but I just feel this way. Everything seems blurred, and I feel lost in a path to an unknown destination.

Anyways, I am thankful to all of you, even just for letting me know, that you are there, wherever you are, in which ever part of the country/earth you are.

 

I Am Walking!

I am walking down a path

Somewhere, where I am so scared to walk,

Somewhere, where I have always dreaded to walk. 

 

I am walking down a path

To somewhere, where I don’t know the destination

To somewhere, where I don’t know what awaits. 

 

I am walking to someplace

Where? Why? How? 

I know not. I am simply walking. 

 

I am walking down somewhere,

Alone, dejected, beaten. 

Shivering, shredding, succumbing. 

 

I am walking. 

I have no ounce of energy to walk anymore. 

No iota of inspiration to walk.

 

I don’t want to walk. 

No, I don’t. 

And yet I am. 

 

I want to hold hands,

I want to lie down. 

I want to breathe.

 

And yet, I am walking. 

 

I am walking the steps of a failure

I am walking the painful steps of helplessness

I am walking to an endless space.

 

I am walking where there are tearful smiles,

Where there are hidden sores,

Where there are only painful stones.

 

I don’t know what to do. 

I want to lie down,

But all I doing is walking, walking, walking…..

 

PS: I am sorry to be away from all of you. I will be back to all your posts very soon. I will. I am just a little screwed up right now.

One Big Happy Family #3

Hey guys, anyone remember my happy ever after? That one big family I was so proud of? That little X whom I loved making jealous? That family where there was no trouble?

Well, as it happens that ‘One big family’ they are in trouble, because there is a new villain 😩

The moment I leave them, they get themselves into some trouble. Can someone not survive without me for even a week???

Oh God!!

Anyways, I am out of my city, away from the only happy ever after I have and they are in big trouble. And when I say big trouble, I mean it. Because only then would Mr and Mrs would have sent me the picture of new Mr Z.  And boy, is he dangerous!!!

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This Mr Z, I don’t like him and he is after my favourite ‘one big happy family’.

I think I need to get home soon now. As I have already told,  I cannot let anyone ruin my happy ever after.

PS: Hoping someone would go take care of my happy ever after till I return!! A big Sigh!!!

Here is the link to my big family’s introduction- https://aestheticmiradh.com/2018/02/24/one-big-happy-family/

This Little Man!

In today’s times when a human is just as scared of other humans, this little man, is basking and relaxing in the midst of the street, shunning away all his fears from all sorts of beings.

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The irony is, men tend to fight and crib with the others, but they are careful enough to avoid this man and are zooming past him. Okay, there is a little more traffic because of this but the intention is respected.

If only humans would be just as sensitive towards each others too.

Well, at least this ‘little man’ is having a good siesta today, caring about nothing in the world, and making this whole street, his territory.

I am pretty sure he feels like a king, with nothing to be called his, and yet so much gallantry at disposal.

One Big Happy Family #2

Anyone remember my absolutely crazy story from a few months back? Well there was no heads or tails to it, so I will refresh your memory here- https://aestheticmiradh.com/2018/02/24/one-big-happy-family/

Despite the illogical ramblings, many of you were kind enough to bear with my deranged mind, the result of which is this post. Again, think before what you do, you entertained me once and bore with my stupidity, and here I am once more with my utter balderdash.

So, that one big happy family? Seems like, not so happy at all. Recently I found one of the members draining and dripping in the terrible rains, all alone. His other family members have deserted and left the open house, leaving behind him with nothing.

You say, you don’t believe me? Oh come on, I am not lying.

I know you are saying this only because you want a picture.

So here goes the picture.

I am telling you I found him, utterly alone, crying over his lost family, his partner left him and went away with the kids.

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This poor guy, right here? He is wailing and crying with melodrama, singing and cawing in his ever melodious voice, the very famous SRK song, “Jag suna suna lage, koi rahe na jab apna,……… sunaaaaaaa laggeeeee moheeeee”

.

Wait that’s not the tragedy, the tragedy is he only forgot his new address. His family is waiting for him at the new place.

And so he curses himself and then flies to his new abode, shielding away from the rains.

Again, seriously? You don’t believe me?

Okay, here goes the picture.

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In no way, I am ruining this happy ever after. This is by far the happy ever after I have. Not giving away this. And in my opinion they keep making that X jealous, standing a little far away.

Again, if you have come this far, then my friend, I salute you!!

Have a good day!

Faith.

“I have faith in God!

I have faith in my guardian angel who brought me here and who stays here with me.”

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I might have posted this before, but I am writing this again today. I read this somewhere, and I still have faith in this.

“I believe in my Guardian Angel, I do.” Just a reminder!!

Death Or Life- What Gives You True Pain?

2018 has not been very compatible to me yet, I guess it doesn’t feel good with me, or it just doesn’t want to make me feel good. Any which ways, I am tortured. 3 months and 3 deaths!! How is that possible? How am I supposed to even live with it? You will say, I have to and I will but it doesn’t at all feel good. None of them were close family members but all of the three people were relatives, one being a friend a distant one, a junior school-mate and yet I do not feel good about it. I feel sad.

Having received death news is never good news, of course it never is but then when you hear about a person’s death that was your age, your friend, you do not know what to do. It cripples your heart.

This friend I am talking about wasn’t my best friend, so I cannot say I am dying inside to hear this, but he was a kind person, a sweet person. I knew his family very well, his sister, his mother, even his dad. All of them are such lovely souls, and yet, I ask, do they really deserve this? Do they deserve the death of a young son, a young and a happy-go-lucky brother? Does that young boy deserve death? I repeat, young, again and again, only to emphasise, the fact that a mere 20 something person died, all of a sudden, leaving behind all his loved ones, shattered and broken.

I feel so depressed, writing about it, even thinking about it, that I cannot even begin to think how and what his family might be going through. I, really cannot say that I understand their pain, no I cannot, and can never until I go through such a loss.

This brings me to a thought, again and again and again. What if something so traumatic happens with me or my family? What if, I have to go through something so disturbing and painful? What will I do? I am losing it completely now, how would I handle anything beyond this?

Death is unpredictable, absolutely uncertain, then how can anyone live with this uncertainty?

And yet, we have to. We have no other alternative. Do we?

They say; time heals everything. But does it? Or does it simply makes you immune, and gives you the patience to live with it?

The selfish human that I am, I am making it all about me, again. I am forgetting, rambling about my agony here, that this, what I am going through now, is simply nothing. It is ‘just’ a fear of losing someone, and the pain of losing a friend, an acquaintance, and in no case it can be compared to what his family might be going through now. I am truly sorry for him and his family. Whatever I write and say here, can in no possible way express what I am feeling right now. I can in no amount of synonyms and adjectives express my feelings. I am so deeply touched that it can be expressed with nothing, with no words.

I cannot even begin to think what his loved ones might be going through now, and honestly I do not have the courage to, too.

William Shakespeare once said, “Death once dead, there’s no more dying then.”

So is it okay, that he is dead? His pain is over, right? But what about the people that he left behind? I ask this here, because, there is a possibility that he committed suicide. I cannot say for sure, we have just heard it. Some said, it was a road accident, and yet others who lived with him have to say that he committed suicide. We don’t know, and we might never know. But does the reason matter?

Does it?

According to Shakespeare, after death, there is no pain, but I guess there is. There definitely is.

I am sorry. I guess I have said enough, only to feel more vulnerable. Today, all I can think about is death, and its consequences. This truly is not making me feel good. (I know I must have repeated this several times, but I honestly don’t feel good.)

To end this post on a cliché dialogue from a full time Bollywood movie (Boss)

Ronit Roy says-“ maut ko to yuhin log badnam karte hai.. asli takleef to zindagi deti hain.”

“People defame death, but true pain and suffering comes from life.” (Okay, I know the English translation might not be that effective.)

And I think, today, I do agree with this dialogue, doesn’t suffering come from life? Once you are dead, you are simply dead. But when you are alive, you are alive, alive with that excruciating pain. And you can do nothing about it.

I am in no position to judge anything here, nor do I want to. But I desperately feel bad for this friend of mine. We may have lost touch, but this news came as a shock.

In a flick, he just passed away, and left behind grief and misery for everyone who knew him.

From the bottom of my heart, I pray that no single person has to go through with the kind of pain that he might have gone through, and that his family must be going through. May all of them find the strength that they truly need in this crucial hour.

And may his kind soul rest in peace.