Category Archives: Just when I don’t know anything.

Faith.

“I have faith in God!

I have faith in my guardian angel who brought me here and who stays here with me.”

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I might have posted this before, but I am writing this again today. I read this somewhere, and I still have faith in this.

“I believe in my Guardian Angel, I do.” Just a reminder!!

Death Or Life- What Gives You True Pain?

2018 has not been very compatible to me yet, I guess it doesn’t feel good with me, or it just doesn’t want to make me feel good. Any which ways, I am tortured. 3 months and 3 deaths!! How is that possible? How am I supposed to even live with it? You will say, I have to and I will but it doesn’t at all feel good. None of them were close family members but all of the three people were relatives, one being a friend a distant one, a junior school-mate and yet I do not feel good about it. I feel sad.

Having received death news is never good news, of course it never is but then when you hear about a person’s death that was your age, your friend, you do not know what to do. It cripples your heart.

This friend I am talking about wasn’t my best friend, so I cannot say I am dying inside to hear this, but he was a kind person, a sweet person. I knew his family very well, his sister, his mother, even his dad. All of them are such lovely souls, and yet, I ask, do they really deserve this? Do they deserve the death of a young son, a young and a happy-go-lucky brother? Does that young boy deserve death? I repeat, young, again and again, only to emphasise, the fact that a mere 20 something person died, all of a sudden, leaving behind all his loved ones, shattered and broken.

I feel so depressed, writing about it, even thinking about it, that I cannot even begin to think how and what his family might be going through. I, really cannot say that I understand their pain, no I cannot, and can never until I go through such a loss.

This brings me to a thought, again and again and again. What if something so traumatic happens with me or my family? What if, I have to go through something so disturbing and painful? What will I do? I am losing it completely now, how would I handle anything beyond this?

Death is unpredictable, absolutely uncertain, then how can anyone live with this uncertainty?

And yet, we have to. We have no other alternative. Do we?

They say; time heals everything. But does it? Or does it simply makes you immune, and gives you the patience to live with it?

The selfish human that I am, I am making it all about me, again. I am forgetting, rambling about my agony here, that this, what I am going through now, is simply nothing. It is ‘just’ a fear of losing someone, and the pain of losing a friend, an acquaintance, and in no case it can be compared to what his family might be going through now. I am truly sorry for him and his family. Whatever I write and say here, can in no possible way express what I am feeling right now. I can in no amount of synonyms and adjectives express my feelings. I am so deeply touched that it can be expressed with nothing, with no words.

I cannot even begin to think what his loved ones might be going through now, and honestly I do not have the courage to, too.

William Shakespeare once said, “Death once dead, there’s no more dying then.”

So is it okay, that he is dead? His pain is over, right? But what about the people that he left behind? I ask this here, because, there is a possibility that he committed suicide. I cannot say for sure, we have just heard it. Some said, it was a road accident, and yet others who lived with him have to say that he committed suicide. We don’t know, and we might never know. But does the reason matter?

Does it?

According to Shakespeare, after death, there is no pain, but I guess there is. There definitely is.

I am sorry. I guess I have said enough, only to feel more vulnerable. Today, all I can think about is death, and its consequences. This truly is not making me feel good. (I know I must have repeated this several times, but I honestly don’t feel good.)

To end this post on a cliché dialogue from a full time Bollywood movie (Boss)

Ronit Roy says-“ maut ko to yuhin log badnam karte hai.. asli takleef to zindagi deti hain.”

“People defame death, but true pain and suffering comes from life.” (Okay, I know the English translation might not be that effective.)

And I think, today, I do agree with this dialogue, doesn’t suffering come from life? Once you are dead, you are simply dead. But when you are alive, you are alive, alive with that excruciating pain. And you can do nothing about it.

I am in no position to judge anything here, nor do I want to. But I desperately feel bad for this friend of mine. We may have lost touch, but this news came as a shock.

In a flick, he just passed away, and left behind grief and misery for everyone who knew him.

From the bottom of my heart, I pray that no single person has to go through with the kind of pain that he might have gone through, and that his family must be going through. May all of them find the strength that they truly need in this crucial hour.

And may his kind soul rest in peace.

One Big Happy Family.

Warning: If you are looking for heads and tails to a story, do not, I repeat do not proceed reading this post, not even as much as look at the pictures.

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Once upon a time there was a lonely pigeon called A.

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Time passed by, and one fine day his eyes fell on someone, a very beautiful other called B.

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Though there was initial hesitation between the two shy pigeons, eventually their loved blossomed.

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One fine day, at the very place where the two love birds used to meet, there came a third person called X. Of course, there has to be something amiss in a love story, right?

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“Wait, what? There is someone else?” The B was heart broken.

A had to coax and cajole that in no way X was related to him.

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“I will jump from this building if you don’t come back.” A warned.

Well, our B was very emotional and believed in what A had to say after seeing A’s stupidity 😀

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And they were back together, very happy with each other.

 

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In future they would make X jealous, with their one big happy family, X standing just a little away.

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Okay, I am sorry for this really ‘bad’ post. This might be the lowest level of my humor. But as it happens, people who know me, might relate that when I am bored and or tired I, specifically my mind, can go to really great extremes, one of the result of which is this post.

And if you have come this far, I truly, really am thankful for bearing with my deranged mind.

 

 

A Supplementary Question Paper!

When life is already disarraying, my fate really plays good with me, it adds on to the miseries and dilemma. As if, I already wasn’t dealing with enough questions, I have a supplementary sheet to answer, which accordingly is not optional!!

I wouldn’t say the questions are really difficult, they are simple questions, pertaining to the syllabus; life!! And yet here I am struggling to merely swim above the level, simply trying to breathe.

I wouldn’t say these are really miseries, and if I were to mention them as agonies, they are the sweet ones. The only trouble is I don’t know how to deal with them. The lack of experience, knowledge, you could say anything pertaining to the curriculum, which leads me to jitter at the possible thought of simply sitting with the question paper.

So, what do I do?

My heart has a very simple answer!

But the practical me always wins!! It has reasons and explanation, a supplementary brief study for almost every Multiple Choice Questions too! It has a basic tendency to analyse and criticise, take future and past into hand.

Again, I ask, what do I do?

I am pretty sure, this is going to sound more of a rambling post, rather than a scream for help.

So, I really don’t know what to do. As I already mentioned, the questions aren’t demanding, only, the answers are a little more convoluted.

What Do You Do?

What do you do when something occupies too much of your time, too much of the space in your already overthinking mind?

What do you do when things that happen are absolutely out of your control?

What do you do when there are only negative thoughts, and more destructive thoughts making home in your heart and mind?

Needless to say the first suggestion would be to talk things out, to share your woes and doubts with people who care about you.

You pray and hope, and calm your mind but those little evil people are trapped within you.

Then comes the idea of writing your feelings down, word by word. Writers often tend to this technique to cure the ache.

But you see, when desperation kicks in, you go as far as writing your frame of mind and even burning the sheet down to mere ashes; repeatedly!

What do you do when despite all the efforts, those thoughts and feelings stick with you?

What do you do when your thoughts are absolutely out of control? When those thoughts, pains you like a piercing needle, slowly seeping blood out?

What do you do when you can take no more?

What do you do when nothing helps, and even the thoughts (the fact that it is not happening in reality, it is only a thought and a feeling in my head is significant here) shatter you to the core?

What do you when you can’t face the consequences of those thoughts?

 

When I paid extra for a pair of cotton pants!

Last week I was roaming around in a new city, the curious me was trying to find new and local places to shop, exciting places to eat which brought me and my mom to a street with endless options for shopping.

The warm, sunny day was about to get more warm as we started our outing. The street was filled with colourful dresses and endless amount of accessories. You name it and they had it. I am not the fan of roadside shopping, but when I travel I do like to get something which reminds me of that place. And so I dragged my mom along with me that day.

Somewhere down that street we stopped outside a shop which was comparatively more crowded than others, where I liked a pair of cotton pants. Every single person was trying to bargain with the owner of the shop, whom I could yet not see.

Slowly, one after the other the customers went away with only one of them buying something, and then I had the shock of that day. I was waving at the pants hanging outside, trying to know it’s price, when a small child, peeped outside and shouted that it was worth 300₹. That small child who could not have been a day older than 10, seemed to be the owner or the temporary owner of that place.

We asked her if there was any elder person who should have been there, or anyone who we could talk to instead of her, but she constantly said only one thing, “I am here to sell, there is no one else except for me and a younger sister of mine.” We wanted to talk to her more, but she did not want to answer. It seemed we were prying on her life, and new customers were pouring in.

So when she asked, “Do you want to buy it or not? My last price is 290₹?” I took out the money, paid her and bought those pants.

I stopped by my mom at her initial trial of bargain and simply paid 300₹.  The pants weren’t really unique, not that they were branded or something, may be if we would have haggled we might have convinced someone to sell it for 250, but I just didn’t feel like doing it. I felt for a 10 year old trying to make money on a weekday!

 

3 Recent Encounters

By now, you all know that I am bad with technology, and yet the irony is I opt for shopping online in almost all the cases. I know there is always a risk attached to buying things which I haven’t seen, and yet I voluntarily want to buy things online or in a supermarket, and evade any store shopping.

The reason is very simple, not only do I get to see innumerable products but also I get to avoid people.

Why do I want to avoid people at the small stores? The reason is simple again. I will relate to you my recent encounters.

1#
I ordered food from a nearest restaurant. We usually order from there, and there has been never a problem. But this time the delivery man seemed new in the area. (he seemed to me a person new to a job itself). Our building is being renovated and hence the apartment name was erased, so he couldn’t find the building. He instantly called the landline number, on which my mom was talking to someone. He might have asked the guard, and came upstairs, but he was already in a mood.

I had kept the door open seeing the restaurant bike downstairs, so that he didn’t have any more trouble finding the house. (And I was hungry too.) but as soon as he came in view he shouted, “Is it your parcel?” When I said yes, he literally started fighting with me. “Can’t you put up a name on your building? Even your house has no number. (That is why I kept the door open!) and then you have to keep your phone busy too. Why can’t you talk some time else. I had so difficulty finding your house. I had to talk to your guard to find out if this is the place.”

That is when I lost it, and the angry me retorted, “That is your problem!!” I took my package, paid him, and banged the door before he could finish his sarcastic ‘thank you’.

Honestly, our building is located at the centre, it is easily located, and even a blind man will find his way to it. And if asking a guard downstairs was so much of a trouble, you could have taken up some other job.

Correct me if I am wrong, don’t you think customer service is a part of any business. Okay, I agree there was a bit of a problem for him, and our phone was busy too. But what about keeping some amount of patience? How can you just shout at a customer which was equally polite to you at the beginning?

2#

I went to the market to find a matching blouse for my skirt, and there is only one shop nearby where I could get the ready-made ethnic blouse that I wanted. And as I went there and told him what I was looking for, he sat there staring at me, sipping his tea.

“What do you want?”

I repeated what I wanted.

And then without even looking at his stock, without so much as a glance behind him, he refused and ordered another cup of tea.

It could be that he really didn’t have the blouse, or the colour, or the material, but just the way he said it, was not at all professional.

3#

I needed to buy some groceries, nothing too much so I went to the shop just down the road from where I stay, instead of the superstore.

There was no customer inside, except for me. And the two staff were just sitting and chit chatting in there Monday gala time, the owner doing his prayer to the God’s to the bless him with… more customers, more money, and I don’t know what else could be in his wish-list.

I started telling them the things that I needed and one of them lazily dragged himself inside while the other one was constantly editing his picture on snapchat. It took him more than 15 minutes to grab a packet of oats, a bottle of jam, some bread, and a small packet of milk. After the long 15 minutes the owner did the billing, and swiped my card with the same lazy and mundane humour. Even tearing the slip off the machine took him more than 15 seconds.

I was just glad to grab the things and leave when the other customer came in asking for a bottle of Vaseline.

The supermarket would have been a better option, I thought.

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I know that even small stores need to earn their share, they are also handy, but if this is the case, then I am happy browsing for some time, exploring more products and wait a little time for the delivery.

I am not sure why I am posting this here, but where I work if we had done any of the above things, or been even a little rude to our customers, I would have been simply thrown out. I am not saying that customers are always right, but there is a certain professional decorum that has to be followed.