Category Archives: Keep Smiling :-)

Changes.

Nothing is permanent, except change.

 

Change is the only constant.

 

Things change in life.

 

People come and go.

 

These simple words refuse to sit within my irate mind and destroy its peace. Is it so difficult to grasp these simple facts and live with it?

 

Yes, I know I am being unreasonable, I am and I can’t help it. And you know what, I want to be. For a little while I want to be this super childish person who is for once, just for a little while allowed to make all unnecessary and unreasonable demands. I don’t expect them to get fulfilled, I know they can’t, I juts want them to be there, for a while be the not so mature person.

 

I know things have to change, for good or for worse, I know these people have to go, whether I like it or not, but just for once I want to sit back and whine a little. Because however hard I pretend and try to feel that all of it doesn’t matter, in reality it does. Yes, it does matter.

 

There, I said it. It all matters, it all hurts, and I don’t like it.

 

Having said that, I also understand that I can’t control everything, neither do I want to. I also realize that I will very soon learn to have these changes in my life. I understand that I will accept these changes whole-heartedly, and very soon these things wouldn’t even matter. But until then I want to sit back, lie down, and just for once admit these feelings to myself. For once I want to let myself cry and laugh and do whatever I wish to. I will move on, I just want a little more time to adjust to this change.

 

 

Re-visiting; Re-reading.

I read this following poem time and again, very often, so often that by now I have most of the lines by heart and yet I do not get enough of it.

How can I? Because every time I read this, it gives me, well I won’t say new insight but the very same old feelings that I live with. The feelings are always there, they are ever present, only they come out or I let them come out not too often. These are the feelings I live with, most women live with.

Though there are some days when they flow so rapidly that I fail to control them, or give them a direction and on those days, I read, I read anything, and everything, I read poems, novels, stories, plays. I read this poem all over again.

Today is one such day, and I will share this once again. Because, I am flowing, I am hurting, I am smiling, because it’s all mine, because I am I.

An Introduction. 

I don’t know politics but I know the names
Of those in power, and can repeat them like
Days of week, or names of months, beginning with Nehru.
I am Indian, very brown, born inMalabar,
I speak three languages, write in
Two, dream in one.
Don’t write in English, they said, English is
Not your mother-tongue. Why not leave
Me alone, critics, friends, visiting cousins,
Every one of you? Why not let me speak in
Any language I like? The language I speak,
Becomes mine, its distortions, its queernesses
All mine, mine alone.
It is half English, halfIndian, funny perhaps, but it is honest,
It is as human as I am human, don’t
You see? It voices my joys, my longings, my
Hopes, and it is useful to me as cawing
Is to crows or roaring to the lions, it
Is human speech, the speech of the mind that is
Here and not there, a mind that sees and hears and
Is aware. Not the deaf, blind speech
Of trees in storm or of monsoon clouds or of rain or the
Incoherent mutterings of the blazing
Funeral pyre. I was child, and later they
Told me I grew, for I became tall, my limbs
Swelled and one or two places sprouted hair.
WhenI asked for love, not knowing what else to ask
For, he drew a youth of sixteen into the
Bedroom and closed the door, He did not beat me
But my sad woman-body felt so beaten.
The weight of my breasts and womb crushed me.
I shrank Pitifully.
Then … I wore a shirt and my
Brother’s trousers, cut my hair short and ignored
My womanliness. Dress in sarees, be girl
Be wife, they said. Be embroiderer, be cook,
Be a quarreller with servants. Fit in. Oh,
Belong, cried the categorizers. Don’t sit
On walls or peep in through our lace-draped windows.
Be Amy, or be Kamala. Or, better
Still, be Madhavikutty. It is time to
Choose a name, a role. Don’t play pretending games.
Don’t play at schizophrenia or be a
Nympho. Don’t cry embarrassingly loud when
Jilted in love … I met a man, loved him. Call
Him not by any name, he is every man
Who wants. a woman, just as I am every
Woman who seeks love. In him . . . the hungry haste
Of rivers, in me . . . the oceans’ tireless
Waiting. Who are you, I ask each and everyone,
The answer is, it is I. Anywhere and,
Everywhere, I see the one who calls himself I
In this world, he is tightly packed like the
Sword in its sheath. It is I who drink lonely
Drinks at twelve, midnight, in hotels of strange towns,
It is I who laugh, it is I who make love
And then, feel shame, it is I who lie dying
With a rattle in my throat. I am sinner,
I am saint. I am the beloved and the
Betrayed. I have no joys that are not yours, no
Aches which are not yours. I too call myself I.

Kamala Das. 

Nature’s Beauty.

Wherein in every part of the world, it is already hot and the temperature is soaring, my city is running it’s weather guide on it’s own accord.

It is almost raining here every single day, the sun is scorching down on us only for a couple of hours during the day, and then it is again a picturesque place to be in.

So, it is honestly, wonderful to wake up to a day like this-

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That Playful Drop of Water!

One of the perks of living in a small city is, you are almost always close to nature, especially when your city is known to be clean and green. I cannot say that this is the cleanest of all but when compared to all the other cities that I have been in, my city is unquestionably clean and green for that matter.

I mention one of the perks above, because the other one is extremely less traffic, which helps me to go on long drives even during the day. Today was one such day where I had the exceptional chance to delight in and devour the gorgeous and deadly amalgamation of nature’s tricks.

I was on my way to let’s say ‘someplace’ when unexpectedly and yet incessantly my inner goddess was screaming at me to divert ways. And I am a fan of her, my inner goddess, you know. I just cannot desert her. After all she is the one who stays with me, always; my constant and unbroken support even when I don’t listen to her and make wrong decisions. And so, I avert ways.

Where? I don’t know but I do what she says and instantly I am drawn to the most secluded part of the city. I don’t know what I am doing, and where am I going, all I know is I am driving. I am driving to the most serene part of the city, and to the most magnificent part of the day.

And suddenly I am unerringly aware of my surroundings.

There are two roads diverging in front of me, and I take the one that is less crowded 😉

I am driving at a very measured speed. I am in no hurry and I am instantly overwhelmed by the towering trees on both sides of the road, making it difficult to even look at the sky, the daunting sky!

Leisurely, I stop my vehicle and park it in a corner. There is a bench on the corner of the road and I sit there for a while. I breathe. The smell is so fresh, that I close my eyes and get drunk with it. I am already losing consciousness. But the mere sight of my inner goddess dancing and scowling at me makes me instantly aware. I am aware, surprisingly well aware of a glorious sunset, right in front of me, where the road seems to end, where I can see something more than those intimidating trees, where I can see the hint of a sky, an orange sky where the sun is setting at its own pace. It seems to me like a horizon, a place to where I want to walk. I know I cannot reach there, but the prospect is enticing.

The place is disturbingly secluded, but I am okay with it. Slowly, I walk to the middle of the road, where I can see the slightest hint of that orange hue from midst of those trees and look up.

It is so beautiful that I want to keep staring, keep soaring. But even Icarus was rewarded for soaring too high. I shut my eyes after a long time, and look down, and yet there is a deep auburn and bright echo inside my sealed eyes.

Just then, when I thought I had listened enough to my inner goddess and should head back, a chilled drop of water fell on my neck, and ran through my back, sending shivers down my spine.

Oh, the shivers that it gave me, taking me completely by surprise!

I shot up, glaring wide-eyed right at the sky.

Questions squirming.

Mixed feelings.

Dancing emotions

And a thrilled inner goddess.

I smiled!

And just as my smile brightened at that inconsistent and erratic sky; another drop of that startling water touched the corner of my mouth, running down my chin, further down my neck and finally mingling with the musk of my breast.

Oh, the feeling, the sensation that it passed through me.

A small bead of that water making me squirm?

There were butterflies all around.

White trivial flowers were thrown across the path, below the trees.

And then it started drizzling!

I have never loved rain so much.

Never!!

I let myself soak in that cool and unseasonal rain and I don’t care about being drenched.

Listlessly, not wanting to go; not wanting to let go of that pleasing picture, I move.

I start driving, nearing the horizon, that which seemed remote and distant; unreachable.

I am driving as slow as I can balance, as slow as I can allow myself to believe that I am moving forward. I just don’t want to let go of that spectacle, but neither do I want to reach that skyline.

And just when I am nearing the end, just when I feel I am losing those looming tress, I see some colours. It’s not blue of the rains, and it is not orange of that blinding sun.

It is every single colour of the rainbow!

I can see it, I can almost feel it, and now even I am dancing in my mind. My heart is in my mouth, and I am euphoric.

What more could I possible want in that moment?

 

I can see all the colours right in front of me. And what I feel and what I see is beyond words.

In that moment, I don’t want to move, I don’t want to go forward, I want to be there. Simply be there.

I am static now, my head slightly tilted to the left, admiring every inch of nature, wind gushing my senses, splattering locks of my untamed hair on my face.

And in that moment, there is a small salty droplet dripping from my eyes, caressing my skin, inking my cheeks, warming it with its sensations that I had not felt in a long while.

And suddenly I am alive!

 

The Nudging Guilt!

Monday morning- a normal day would be somewhat like….. Well, you know how it would be. But an abnormal and unanticipated Monday morning was what I had today.

It was a Monday morning, when I wake up at a time when you hardly can wish someone a ‘good morning’, when you are almost touching noon; a morning when I simply avoid work for no reason, a morning when I ignore my bundled up projects, and do not even give any heed to my college assignments; a morning when I am in no hurry despite being so late.

I sit and smile on my bed, for no explicit reason. Life hasn’t changed overnight, it is just what it was yesterday and I am just as tired dealing with it. But I don’t even want to deal with it now. I am simply breathing.

I go out for my morning cup of coffee, strolling in the cool and nonchalant weather outside. The rains from last night have kept the climate lovable and I relish every second of it, every micro second of it. I do not have my phone with me; I don’t even look at anyone only to avoid any sort of conversation, I am simply conscious, conscious of the fact that I am here, alive, and breathing.

Even the barista gives me a vague look observing me in my shorts, with the messed up hair, and that lingering look in my eyes. But I do not care.

I am simply breathing 😉

I return home, cancel all my plans, no work, no studies, no stress.

I go to the porch, sit on the bean bag and grab a book which I am yearning to read.

And then I am lost!

This was of course a perfect setting, the only, and the only single thing that kept fretting my mind, and which I kept dodging again and again was the constant nudging guilt; the guilt to disregard my work, the guilt to even overlook the projects, the assignments which have kept piling up. I have already missed my deadlines, I was already struggling, juggling to keep up, and yet here I was sitting and reading. Time was short but the work load kept piling up and despite being aware of it, I wasted the entire day. Not only did I brush-off my schedule, I kept propelling away that guilt too.

And at the end of the day, I don’t even regret it. I savoured the day of simply breathing, simply living.

Just, just the problem was that-constant-nudging-guilt!!

I Am Tired!!

I am literally tired right now, not only mentally but also physically. My mind and my body fail to work anymore. I do not even wish to move a little bit more, even a very little to get what I want. I am at a point where I will just let it go, if anything has to go. I am simply tired.

Some might say that may be if I do not lose hope right now, if I do not let things go, maybe there is a possibility that I might get it right around the corner. Well, may be yes and may be no. I don’t even want to know the answer.

I am not losing hope, hope is what keeps us alive, I just do not want to wait and be restless any longer.

I am happy right here, with what I have and how I am.

What’s wrong with being content?

As of now, with my being exhausted and weary, I am spoiling myself, pampering with all the tasty food and loads of sleep, with cups and cups of coffee and books, with zero thoughts and a big reasonless smile. (The last time I did that I gained 10kgs, let’s see what happens this time 😉 )

And that is how I am awfully drained and yet content.

Valentine Fever!

So I was returning home from work today when, standing at the traffic signal, I noticed how the shops around were decked and draped with the colour of love. Every tiny shop around had jewels of the said colour and honestly, true to God I have never seen so much of red in my life at the same time. It wasn’t like walking inside one of the shops; rather it must seem like walking into a whole new red heart throbbing of love and only love. The entire street had all kind of gifts for the said day, the day when you express your love to your other half.

The fact that the love needs to be expressed specifically on the said day is a little disturbing for me, but hey who am I to judge?

It must be like a birthday, I mean one special day where you make someone feel more special than every normal day.

Okay, so having accepted the fact I still couldn’t stand the entire street spread with red garlands and temporary kiosks selling gifts for your valentine.

Okay, I agree again, being single on Valentines does get you a little cranky. But then again, I have never believed in a particular day when you need to express love. I mean if I love someone, I will say it again and again, every single day.

So basically what all singles do when the valentine week approach is make fun of the week and pass tentative jokes. It is almost like laughing at yourself, year after year. Well, this is what one of my friend said, so don’t blame me!

But I guess we do laugh at ourselves.

I mean of course we should, at least at our own behaviour, whining and cringing at a mere sight of a lovely couple. Sometimes, I feel like saying to myself, “Go, get a life, and stop making fun of the wonderful couple that is so in love, the kind of love which you fail to appreciate.”

Having this kind of conversation with the mentioned friend, made me realise that it isn’t the day that we loath, it is the fact that we are single. May be, there is a teeny-tiny possibility that if we were committed to someone, if we were ‘so-in-love’ then may be even we’d fall in love with the idea of love. May be even we’d like to walk down that extremely decorated red shop and buy a small souvenir for our loved one, only to remind him or her how much we love them. After all, it is just a reminder that we love you, that you are one special person that we certainly wouldn’t want to let go of. May be even we’d want to do all the crazy stuff the other couples do, only to make the partner happy.

Well, that’s just a small ‘maybe.’

But coming back to the present, as long as we are single, I guess we’d just cringe and laugh off the over-crowded colourful shops, restaurants, parks, clubs, and pretty much everything on the 14th of February!

I do have another option though, for singles. (Because I assume all the duos in love to already have planned the day)

Well, as for singles, I guess we can’t do pretty much anything except to be our own valentine. Well, as much as it may sound weird, why not!!

Make yourself feel special, treat yourself as the most important person, and make yourself your first priority. You ought to love yourself, right?

So, here’s wishing to all my loved ones (Singles and the couples), a very happy valentine!

Go, spread the love! (I assume again, it is already in the air since the week starts)