Category Archives: My Reality Mirror

Moorings.

 

Weekends shouldn’t be about going out, partying, trashing, shopping, dining, and tiring yourself. They should be about the things that you would want to do otherwise. It should be about, well, honestly my answer changes as frequently as the illogical and unwanted threats, thrown by people who might run a country and yet wouldn’t know how to run a country. So, if you asked me last month what are weekends for, I would have told you the very thing that I denied when I began writing this. I would scream and holler in insta accent “Partay” or “friyay” but this weekend was the reflection of the other shades of me. All I wanted to do was to sit at home, avoid people and read. I did everything else but this.

 

So with a sullen and putrid mood I met a friend and we were waiting for our Uber when she tells me “phones inside”. This was supposed to be our one on one so no phones were allowed. Okay, I wasn’t looking at my phone. And she was the one who had this habit. But I was the one who was being told to keep it inside. I didn’t have a bag or a wallet on me. I had the needed cash in my pockets and thanks to the sizes of the new phones, my phone won’t fit in my pockets. So I said. And so she indicated at her own pockets when I refused to do anything about it. I thought what the hell, is she wearing her boyfriends’ pants? I mean no other way did her phone fit in there. I wonder why is this? I mean why do they do this? Why do men’s pants have pockets the size, which can fit a wallet, keys, sanitizer, kerchief, condoms, phones and what not. I have seen men carrying almost everything that women do, there is nothing different. Yes, except from a sanitary pad, I guess the needs are pretty much the same. Then why in the name of God do they do this to us poor souls? Not all women like carrying bags just as not every man likes not carrying a bag. So, yeah, my friend, she indicated that she could fit her phone in her pocket so I did ask her why and how. She said, this is what you get for not going after brand names and gave me a wink. So now I was wrong in wearing a branded pair of denim! Great!!!

 

But this pocket and bags thing remind me of one other thing. I guess big pockets or not I think I should start carrying a bag always. I mean there is the possibility of my mom calling me here and now and asking me to bring so and so and so things. I tell you the list goes on. Tell me why is it that moms need so much stuff from stores. Okay, don’t tell me. I have asked this a million times and I have got the same answer. You will know when you become a mom. Believe you me, I am in no hurry! Yeah, so she calls me randomly and then there is this store called reliance fresh on my way and I go in and buy those things on the whatsapp message that my mom stresses on sending despite the fact that she just called me and then I realize that I don’t have anything to carry this in. So I ask for a bag and he generously adds 14 bucks for it. This could happen to you too. I remind myself that the next time I am not leaving my house without a bag. I mean yeah sometimes you forget to carry bags, and then the stores make you pay for it and then it is all-fine. But 14 bucks for a plain ‘jhola’ isn’t what I intend on paying again.

 

But that ‘jhola’ and its gloomy look is still better than the goofy smile that that boy gives me on the third floor of my building. He is new. Just shifted. I hate it when they bring such tenants. And by such I mean bachelors. Not that these bachelors are disturbing. Far from it. They are dull bloody boring engineers and I hate it. I hate them not because they live a life of a bachelor but because they are bored engineers who have nothing in their lives except for work. I see them going early in the mornings, dressed formally and return in the night with such dead looks as if nothing is left in their lives. I pity them. But the pity lasts only till I see one of them with that big bright smile of his. Why? Why does he creep me out? And since he is a neighbor now I am forced to smile back which leads to an even bigger smile. Okay fine so from now I am going to avoid coming and going when he comes. Yes, that’s what I am going to do.

 

But I don’t like how he looks. I mean not how he looks-looks, I mean how empty he looks. As if he has nothing left in his life except for work. I have heard him talk over the phone sometimes, dull mundane talks, not that I was spying. He was in his verandah. I was in mine. He was loud enough. I tell you, he could be nothing more than 30 and the way he lives! I guess isolation does that to people. Yes, it must be isolation. That friend of mine? With whom I was waiting for an uber she has made me believe 100% that you mess up your own life when you are so lonely. It makes you do things that a sane mind would otherwise not do. Yes that is it, he is and my friend is lonely! But who isn’t today. Aren’t we all living in the phase where we have only happy pictures not a happy life?

 

Yes, that is true. The 15 year old who put a picture of his new haircut, with that ‘lit’ emoji tags his picture with the quote, “life is hard.” So it must be. Yes, it definitely must be. Life is lonely and hard. So do you think I should become a matchmaker and make my friend meet this engineer guy? Could work, right? I should believe so.

 

But then people believe in a lot of things these days. The man following me on the road the other day must have thought so. I mean he must have really believed that something could happen here, between him and me. Only then would he have driven around town, wasting his fuel, for a whole 30 minutes in the same area again and again. God! It took him 30 minutes to realize that I wasn’t going to stop driving until he stopped following. What was I? Some frenzied woman who would show him way to my home? No! So, I kept driving here and there and he kept following. I wonder how his mind was working? That he would follow me to my home and then since he will have my address he will come to my place again and again and then just like it happens in romantic movies, I will blush and smile and fall for him? I guess so. I think this is the only explanation, only hope for which he must have wasted his life’s 30 minutes after me.

 

Hey, this reminds me the other day I went on my walk and saw someone following me. A very old uncle this time. I was creped. He smiled too. Look at the audacity. But as soon as he passed me it struck me. He wasn’t smiling in a way I was thinking; he was a very old man. He was a guard someplace. I knew him. Yes, it struck me then that he was the guard at my old school and I didn’t smile back. He was the cute guard who held our hands and helped crossed the roads. And I didn’t recognize him, I didn’t smile back. I didn’t even acknowledge him. And so now I am one of those snobs who forget those cute people as they grow up. At least he must think so. See, these pervs do this to you. Ruin every other man for you in every possible way.

 

But among all of this there is something good too. I mean of course our world if full of people whom I (I don’t know about you) abhor but there are little perks of joy in and around too. So as I was telling you about my walks, I have missed something about it of late. There is the cutest little girl who ties two pony tails and stand beside her dad everyday at the same place, same time, waiting for her school bus, looking right in front of her with such command and precision that I’d be mad not to admire her. There is something about that look, command may be or endurance? But as soon as she sees me she will be smiling back at me as if there was no other look in the world that she knows. Her dad once asked her, “Who are you smiling at, Do you know her?” And she just said, “That di”. I mean isn’t she cute. I hope she doesn’t do this with everyone though. Her dad smiles back too since then. But they had been missing since so many days. They are back! Yeaaaaaa they are back and that smile is back. I didn’t realize till now how much I had been habituated to her. My walks have been better since the return of my waving friend.

 

But don’t you think one day this is going to stop. Either I will stop going to walks on that route or she will start driving to school herself. She doesn’t look far from that age. I guess that is how this works, isn’t it. I mean of course nothing is permanent except change. This brings me to another question, if nothing is permanent then what about love? Isn’t it the only thing that doesn’t wither? Isn’t true love the only thing that can beat and overcome anything? Who am I to say? What would I know? You tell me!

 

But then again who would know anything of true love, I wouldn’t. Would you? Hard to say. I mean I saw three relationships breaking in the last week. In just one week I saw three couples go their way, couples who had been together for years, couples who were mature and immature. One of them, a couple I mean has been dragging their drama to me too. This couple generously falls in the category of immature. Well, that is how I see it. So yeah, they have been dragging and pulling at threads and I am stuck in between. Initially, it is fine you know. You think they are your friends ad it would be only good if you could kick some little sense in their rusty mind, but no they won’t get it. They will carry every drab fight to you, as if they are the kids and I am the parent. So I got fed up and wanted to scream, “Dude, if I wanted this kind of drama in my life, I would be in this sort of a relationship myself. I don’t want this shona-babu-baby which is why I am not in this kind of a relationship. Please…. Let me be. I was not in that relationship, you were, I cannot do anything, you can.” But I guess troubled minds don’t get this simple language. Well, but if they don’t get such simple things then why do they get in a relationship? Why do they play the game called feelings?

 

Oh, I got carried away, didn’t I? Became too philosophical, did it? Okay, don’t answer that. I know you won’t. Because even you don’t have any answers. I know you don’t. Well at least my cousin makes me realize that you don’t, I don’t, no one has these answers. Drunk on self-pity after crying for a whole half hour I decided I’ll call her and vent everything that’s bottled within. But before I could muster a dreary and mucus filled hello she started crying! Okay, old story Moushmi! Clear your head and start listening, this doesn’t sound good! Something’s up. And so just like every time you shut up and listen making yourself believe that it is probably for the best not to talk to anyone about it. So, yeah don’t even think about it again. But boy, is she messed up! Well, didn’t I say messed up people and solitariness makes people do things, weird things! Anyways, who am I to judge?

 

By the way, judgment reminds me of one thing. The thing because of which I stared writing this.  No, no not the weekend plans. But my kind of weekend for this week. Books. Enough with the ramblings, and before you kill me let me jump straight, without any glitches in between and without any diversion that could hinder my asking you this very small petite question. What do you do if you don’t like the book that you are reading? I mean I am always torn between leaving the book that I start disbelieving in and my love for reading, simply saying, “They are books, how can you leave them midway?” So far in my entire life there has been only one book that I have left after 100 pages and I don’t even remember which book it was. Isn’t life too short to waste on books that you start disliking? But then again, how do you know if you like it or not unless you read it. But what if you not only don’t like it, you hate it, and you just don’t believe in what the author is saying, he/she is just going round and round and round without making a point just as I am doing with this post? So, yeah enough with this merry go round, I will stop here, and ask you if it is often that you leave a book midway? Or do you suck it and finish it and then judge the author and the book. I know by using the word ‘judge’ I am giving you the full liberty to judge me, but you are going to do this anyway, right? So judge away and let me know about the books. The next time I am leaving a book after a mere 50 pages, there might be less guilt within me, guilt of leaving someone, just as someone else (may be you) might want to leave me. So if you are not one of those who got bored midway and have reached this far you know my question, and I’ll be waiting for your answer.

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A Year Older, A Year Wiser #3

I am sitting at my over embellished desk staring at the picture that I so adore, sipping tea. Sipping tea has been the highlight of the day these days, well, not exactly sipping tea, but trying various teas has been. I am so bored and useless that all I look forward to a day is sipping tea. From Hibiscus to white, I am trying all of them one by one. Some I liked, some just tasted like warm water! So, todays sachet was titled blue youth! Ironical, since I am taking tiny steps away from the youth. Anyways, yeah, blue youth was good. A herbal infusion of.. oh let it be. I know no one is interested. Today, not even me!

 

So yeah, the tea is good and I am typing this laboriously, laboriously I say because I am not even the mood of typing, or to say talking. But I am bored and I want to talk too. Yeah, see how messed up this is. All day long people have been texting/calling and so far I have only wanted two of them to talk to me. Rest are just making small talks, weirding it out over awkward questions that come up when you realize that you have started talking only on birthdays, or the other half of the people are just doing it for the sake out of doing it, you know since you wish them, they wish you too, types.

 

So yeah, I am typing and talking into the oblivious and thinking too. What exactly I am thinking? I wish I could point at this. What to do with my life? Whether to pick up this damned phone that has been wringing since eternity or what to eat if my stomach grumbles. I sip that tea instead.

 

What possible good can thinking bring anyway. I have been worried all through, if I’ll pass, if a job is going to work out, if everything else is finally going to find some calm. Thinking did no good. Working towards it did no good too. Things aren’t working out. They just aren’t. 2019 was supposed to be better. At least I thought so. But thinking and pondering isn’t helpful, and yet I think. You’d think I might learn from my mistakes.

 

Learnt or not, I improved things too. I mean I don’t think ahead now, or I only think as ahead as the next minute, or at the max the next hour. I mean if I have to get a pizza then I need an hour, because the pizza guy is going to tell me when I order, that they are sorry but it is going to take more than half an hour to deliver due to the overflowing amount of money in their chains pockets.

 

But anyways, I am thinking so much that all the pending chores come to mind. I have to do this, send this, check that, get that done, deliver this, write that, read this, print that! I let a sigh pass and decide I will start with that document to be printed. But for that I will have to go to our office. I twist and scrunch my nose, the thought itself cringes me. I hate going out of my room these days, let alone, my home. Not that our office is too far away, but I abhor the idea.

 

However, I know I have to get it done. I mean at least I have to get this much done today. Rest can be figured our tomorrow. Still, I go out of my room and look at my brother. He gives me the all-knowing smile; telling me don’t even ask me to do anything now. I sigh for the millionth time today.

 

I gather all my things, keys, purse, pen drives, phone which I don’t want right now but take any way, and go out. The after rain wind slaps my face mocking me, asking how long do you think you could stay away from me. I make a face; I guess all I am best at is doing that.

 

I start my scooty. As usual it plays with me and doesn’t want to start. But I know it, and it boosts up, right at the third attempt. I give it a speed of 60 and want to rush out of the parking lot. Common sense takes better of me. I slow down.

 

My office printer isn’t working, my dad says do it outside, and while you are at it….. a list of chores come my way. I forget my things and start on that. After an hour I am done, and back at office. He asks me if I got my copy of print?

 

Huh? What print?

 

I go back and get a copy of what I wanted. There is someone standing behind me, a woman, little older than me. She tries to make conversation. I don’t want to talk to her. But she pesters. And I just can’t be rude. I have tried it. I am bad at it. “So the results are out ha?” she peers over my saved document.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Did you clear it?”

 

She probably has already seen my marks, percentage and my percentile. Yet she is asking, I don’t want to talk, especially not about this. So I won’t repeat it here. I didn’t fail. But needless to say that I am not intelligent enough has been proved.  I wonder again. I wander again. What exactly happens to those who are mediocre? I mean the extremely intelligent people are focused right from the start and fly right after high school. The dumb are sure that they are not brilliant, and settle soon. Which leaves me with people like myself- the middle benchers, trying to fit in, sometimes so much interested in knowing, sometimes wanting to learn, sometimes wanting to make something of them, sometimes confused, sometimes focused, and sometimes just lost.

 

Now, it might be my fault that I haven’t been so focused since ever, but now what! I am another year old today and yet nowhere near where I can vouch and say that I am trying to do something. Don’t tell me I am not old. Yeah, yeah, I know I am not old. But I am not 20 and only out of school. I have been told repeatedly that I don’t look my age, while that may be so good to hear, but the reality is everyone else my age now knows what they are meant to do while I am still unsure of what and how exactly am I suppose to be doing anything.

 

I suck! I know I am so wrong in comparing myself to others, but I can’t help it. I mean there has to be something in my life, which for once, does not; cannot; must not go wrong. I mean for once it can happen right! I am not afraid of failures, I am not. Only, I am afraid that time is running out and I literally have no idea where to go from here. And as these thoughts run through my mind, I am handed over a copy of my lame future. The woman smiles at me. May be next time? Yeah, I say and run.

 

I run to my scooty and rush it. For the first time it starts at one go and I speed through. I calm down. And stop racing like the maniacs who are following me. Not again! What do these guys actually have in their minds? Do they have so much time and money to simply run around the city and follow some deranged woman!

 

I am just not in the mood to take this shit; I just am not! I speed through the busy streets and mix but they are right behind me in no time. I change lanes and rush towards the only place I know. The police station. I am not going to go there literally. But I know they are going to stop following me because they aren’t wearing the helmet, and there has to be a checking post on that lane.

 

They leave!

 

I leave!

 

I am irritated. But since I am already around the place, I think I might drive through that place. It’s a calm place. Trees, sun, after rain winds. I haven’t visited this place in a long time, a very long time. And the whiff of the place brings nostalgia. This place is good. Why did I stop coming here again? I used to visit this place so often, almost every time I came to this part of the city. What happened again?

 

Anyways, I am speeding through. I am slowing down. The roads are dead empty. There is literally no one. The sun is peeking through the trees. The flowers are thrown about. It is good. There is a little calm. The chaos inside my mind isn’t cured, but its soothed for a while.

 

There is a lump in my throat as I am steering around. But I have to go. I mean I do wish I’d stay here and keep staring at sun till I can, I wish I didn’t have things to worry about. But the sun is leaving too, and I know I have to go. So I go.

 

And as soon as I leave the trees, the city overpowers me, all those people who cross roads as if they don’t care for their lives, all those bike riders who think that riding a Royal Enfield gives them power to zigzag and trouble others, the other drivers who ride a long lost bike flaunt themselves too and get on my nerves. All the thoughts, all the problems, every little detail since the last year come racing towards me. It’s been a little difficult. I can’t say it’s too much. But I’d rather it be a little easy. Despite everything I was hoping 2019 to be a teeny bit better. So far, no luck!

 

As I ponder over my luck, my phone beeps. It buzzes. I avoid. It vibrates. I still avoid. I avoid it for full 5 minutes and then I pick up. It’s a friend. A good friend. I can’t, just can’t avoid him. But I already talked to him in the morning. Wait; did I say something in the groggy, sleepy state that I shouldn’t have said? But just the first words are a deceit. It’s his roommate. He knows me too. I mean he is the friend that you bear with because of the other friends that you hang out. We don’t talk these days. We didn’t even talk when we lived in the same city. But here he is calling me from my friends’ number, and I have picked up and stopped speaking after hello.

 

“Why didn’t you call me from your number?”

 

“Just..”

 

I know the answer. I mean the last two calls that he has made me this year was because he wanted a favor out of me. Not that I am keeping a tab. You’d see how hypocritical this sounds. But I only remember the number of calls he has made me, is because, that are the total number of calls he has made to my number in his entire life.

 

So what does he want now?

 

“Yeah, so listen, who this Hamlet was, and can you elaborate what this means?”

 

‘I am driving. Can we talk later?”

 

“Umm, actually I am going to an acting class you know, and wanted to know this before that. And you see everyone knows me there, (he is a novice anchor) it’s a matter of image now.”

 

Dead silence!

 

I really don’t want to discuss the idea of being or not being, standing in the middle of the road. In simpler words I am in no mood of helping. But I feel disgusted at myself. And so I bring myself to a halt at the corner, where a few vehicles are parked and begin the task of explaining Hamlet and his dilemma to a man, who, by the end asked me “wow you know what a protagonist is.” (I thought only people who went to acting classes were taught who a protagonist is.)

 

“What did you think I was some dumb person?” (Who cannot make anything of their lives)

 

“No, No, I didn’t mean that.” He wants to know about a Gertrude speech too. Well, Macbeth? Can you tell me about any other plays?”

 

“Look, I am not at home right now, we can talk later. Sorry. Bye.”

 

I want to go back for a last look at sun peeking through, but he has gone. The moon has started shimmering, and the after office traffic is peeking up. I go towards home.

 

As I enter home, there is some heated discussion going on. See, my results aren’t the only problem these days. It all started since 2018, and it has been all stretched through. It needs to give me a breather now. It really does. Anyways, as everyone says that we need to stick up to everything that life throws at us- like I have a choice; I stick up. Meaning, I go to my room.

 

The only thing that’s bringing me to be wiser is kept on my desk. I smile, or at least pretend to. The books are winking at me. Another set of savior, while I constantly avoid reality!

 

Now, seriously the books are making me wiser or should I start naming my birthday posts- “A year older, a year dumber!”

Fumbling Valiance!

Has it ever happened?

That you feel trapped?

You consider yourself quite brave,

But in all honesty, you are scared.

You thought that you forgot that feeling.

With so much constantly happening.

But one fine day,

You find yourself to pray.

Your fingers are crossed,

And you find yourself so much engrossed.

Fumbling, fidgeting,

Anxious; petrified; feeling alarming.

Has it ever happened to you?

That something so important knocks the door,

That your knees go weak,

And valiance seems like yore.

 

A Drunken Monday Night-Out!!

When it is a Monday you usually have plans to wake up early and work for the entire day, trying to curse the Sunday to go off just as quickly, and cursing all the other days for Friday seems yet so far. Monday morning sees the longest line for coffee full of tiresome people wondering why exactly are they up so early after two days of slogging lethargy. Why do they have to leave their beds in this cold morning, and why exactly do they have to work despite their wishes. The rest of the Monday is all about waiting for the day to end, so that you can go home and dine at some kind of peace, while your better half, your family or your flat-mates chose to crib about the day, and you give them a pathetic look, admonishing them that you did not have a day any better than that. All you want to do by then is go under the blanket, and try; just to try to be at little peace and if you can’t get that at least you hope that sleep will befriend you soon. All the while anticipating when will exactly the week end?

 

And one fine day you wake up with the same Monday morning feeling, having no idea it is going to end up just wild.

 

I woke up with the same feeling yesterday morning, dreading the day. Leaving my bed in this cold morning was itself a task, and oh the blanket seemed to miss me as soon as I slipped my hands out of it. Oh the trouble! I crept out not wanting to, took a quick shower because of course I have overslept, force down something to eat, keep fidgeting at the line at the coffee shop, getting restless in the traffic, simply not wanting to work!!!

 

The day passes with it’s own leisurely pace, enjoying and relishing in my pain when I see people with fresh and vibrant and jovial faces all around enjoying the start of a new week, making me wonder where exactly do they get this kind of motivation and optimism! They ask me with fresh spirit in them, “Hey, how was your weekend?” And I curse under my breath for the days to have passed by, for the next weekend seems far away!!

 

Amidst these daily conundrums, I get a call from a friend inviting me to a party!

 

PARTYYYYYYYYYYYY

 

Come on who says a no to a party on a Monday evening! At least I don’t!!

 

And in no less time I am not waiting for the week to end, I am in only fair anticipation of the day to end. This seems fair! Of course it does! But the time seems to stick by and move at even a slower pace, and then after an aeon it’s lunch and after a few other ages it’s the end!!

 

Finally, I rush home and change into something more comfortable, my days’ tiredness seems to have evaporated and in no time I hear my friends car blazing outside!

 

I jump into the front seat, while he tells me that it is his office party and we might be there for an hour or so, and then we can head out and go for a long drive or something. And I am all ears!!

 

Well, the party seems okay, not boring but not too interesting too! So while my friend goes and tries to make an appearance in and around, I seat myself in the corner, hiding away from unknown people, (Seriously even I don’t understand this concept of mine, wanting to party and yet not wanting to meet anybody!) and grab of glass of wine! Of course I am not getting drunk on a Monday night! Ah ha..

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My friend comes back in a while, and we go around meeting the few mutual finds that we have, and then we sit down at the same corner to dine. We are talking about our work, our personal lives, and everything in general, when a couple comes towards us and offers us drinks, (this was fine) but then they join us without our permission. I cringe!!!!!!

 

All the four of us are talking and drinking, and eating, and by the end I have lost count of how many glasses of that wine I have had. Well, to be fair, there were other drinks in between, a few many of which I really, truly regret to have taken. But I am okay as of now, but we are well past the time of making our appearance, and all I want is that promised long drive now, which seems to take all the time.

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“So how’s your week going?” That girl beside me ask?

“Just as interesting as your weekend might have been.” I retort.

“What do you mean?”

I am appalled at myself! I am. But also, I cannot stop myself from laughing.

My friend is eyeing me from across the table.

“I am not scared of you, you know.” I blurt to him!

And there goes the rest of the wine from my hand.

“We should probably get going.” Is all I hear from him, but those kind hearted self-composed people wouldn’t let us go. We are back at our place, and I have stolen that glass again, without his realization at that, come one, give me some credit!!!

Wait, this isn’t wine! This was some kind of margarita, but this was nice too!

“So how’s your work?” That sweet girl is till trying to make conversation with me.

“Just as boring as the shirt your husband is wearing.”

I think my friends’ eyes are going to pop out, while she is still in shock. But the person I pass a pun on, is chill about it, is laughing at that, “She has a sense of humor.”

“See, he gets me.” I smile that pleading smile.

I am not sure but I see a hint of smile, just a little on my friends face, and I think I am good.

“I hear you are planning a long drive after the party.” I think the girl has forgiven me.

“But you are not invited.” I say before I warn my mind to do against it for the nth time that evening.

“That’s it, we need to go.” I hear my friend as he gets up.

“This is what I wanted. So are we going for that drive now.” I bat my eyes.

“Are you doing this intentionally?” He murmurs in my ear.

“Noooooooooooo. I promise! I seem to have lost my filter.

“Good, because you know this is my office party, and you cannot misbehave in front of them.”

“Then can we leave?”

“Yes!”

And just then some colleague draws him away.

“Ah, darn!!!”

I sit down with that boring shirt man, and his wife who must clearly hate me by now.

“I am sorry, I just had a bad day, rather a bad weekend and a worse Monday.” I try to apologize.

“Oh it’s all right. We have all been there.” The boring shirt man sympathizes!

“No! You have only been here.” I point at his wife and giggle.

“Are you out of your mind?” that woman squeaks at me.

“Isn’t that obvious?” I laugh unapologetically.

She tries to snatch away the 4th or probably the 5th margarita from my hand when my friend finally shows up.

“I am so sorry. We need to leave.” And he grabs my arm.

“Oh she is just a little tipsy, the boring shirt man is still trying to be friendly.

“No, no I am done with her for today.” He pesters me to get up.

“Well, that was quicker than usual.” I laugh as I get up, stammering and struggling to my feet.

I see my friend go red, and listen to breezy bu-byes.

 

The next thing I know is I am sitting in the front seat of my friends’ car and he is strapping my seat belt tight enough to not even move. He sits in the driving seat and slams the door shut!

I think he is already furious.

 

“When was the last time you drank alcohol?” he glares the question at me.

“How is it relevant? I am drunk now, if that is what you are trying to figure out.”

“Well, that’s more than crystal clear madam. A blind man could smell your alcohol filth mouth and steer clear of you.”

“But I didn’t talk to any of your colleagues. I was sitting at the table all the while with your boring shirt friend and his wife. Did I embarrass you, now” I rest my case.

“You answer my question.”

“First you answer mine.” I am not laying low, or to say I am not playing intelligent.

“When was the last time that you had something to drink?”

“WHY! DID I EMBARRAS YOU, NOW?” I plead and try to make him feel guilty.

“No! Now tell me when was the last time you were drunk so much?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Are you going to ever tell me, because I know, you are not the one to go so tipsy after a couple of glasses of wine.”

“You really don’t remember?”

“I am losing my patience here.” He really is.

“I gave up on alcohol almost a year and a half back and since then all we have been doing is going to dinners and roaming about in the parks!”

“So why did you drink today?”

“I was bored.”

“That’s your reason?” he is flabbergasted.

“Come on. It’s no big deal. I am fine.” I say as I fumble to even take out my ringing phone.

He grabs it before me and answers the phone and tells someone that I will be staying over at his place tonight.

“Did you care to ask me if I want to stay at your place?” I am furious at him.

“Look at yourself, you are not going home tonight, that is a done deal!”

“Okay sir.”

 

He starts driving and I remember the promised long drive.

 

“You must be kidding me.”

“I am not. I want to go, I really do.”

“We’ll go tomorrow. Today you need to sleep right away!”

“Please. Please, don’t take this away from me. This is the best time I have had in like months, please lets just go for a while.” I stammer between laughs and sobs.

And just then he drives towards the highway.

I squeak like a child! And I think I see a trace of smile on his face. I am okay, as of now- no trouble!

 

The car window is down, the wind is beyond cool now, and it is a little cold, the moon and the stars are our partners in crime and the music seems to be just soothing. “Seriously? This is by far the best time I have had in months.” I repeat into his ears. And he smiles a full smile this time.

 

“You know there is a new coffee shop a little away from the highway. Can we go there? I mean it could just help me sober up.” I suggest.

He eyes me, really doubting my intentions, but there is nothing that my over excited face gives away, and he keeps going.

 

I am really enjoying this when his phone rings, but there is no proper network and he stops the car.

He tries a couple of times to call back, and in the end gives up. But the phone doesn’t. It rings again, and I suggest he should take it outside the car. He is back in a second, in literally no time. And we drive off.

 

We drive for about an hour or so and then he really starts doubting me. “Where exactly is this coffee shop?”

“It was in this route.”

“What do you mean it was?”

“No, no I mean it is!!!!!”

There is complete silence for a while, when he scowls at me, he is definitely furious this time. The song changes to something else. I cannot see our partners in crime anymore. The towering trees seem to hide the sky from me, and I don’t see anything familiar on the road, except isolation! Why are the roads empty, I wonder. And then I notice small, really small huts on the sides of the road. Huts so small, that you cannot go inside them without bending your back. And then fear grips me. The wind is no calmer, it’s chilly and I am afraid. It is well past midnight, and I am sure that we are on the wrong path.

 

“I think we are on the wrong path.” I gather the courage to speak.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN? DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE GPS?”

The GPS, yes, the GPS, I might have done something to it, when I was trying to change the song when he got out.

One look at me and he checks the address.

His look in return confirms my fear, and I have no idea what to say.

“I went out for a minute, and you change the address?” he almost screams at me.

“I didn’t do it intentionally. I swear I didn’t.” I almost cry and I haven’t felt like a small baby in a long time, but in that moment I did, I really did.

He avoids me. He doesn’t speak a word and makes a U-turn, feeding in the correct address. “I think that was enough of a long drive for you and the sobering up? I think that I can help with as soon as we get home.” He is really angry.

 

“What are you going to do? Spank me for being a bad child?” I cackle.

 

“This is funny to you? Is this funny to you? We are in the middle of a Naxalite area, absolutely alone, and this is funny to you?”

I go further down into my seat, shutting my eyes, and remaining silent. Knowing what was the current thing to do for the first time that night.

We drive for about a half hour in silence, and then I am struck with my first repercussion of drinking so much.

“Please slow down.”

“I am not stopping anywhere before we reach my place.” Comes the simple reply.

I don’t have the courage to speak. I fumble with my seat belt, loosen it, open the window entirely allowing it to send chilly shivers against my face. And then I throw up! I throw up with all my might and finally he realizes what’s happening. He parks in the corner, opens his seat belt, and comes towards me. He holds back my hair away from my face, and really laughs a gritting laugh.

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We drive away when I am done, only to stop after another 15 minutes, and then again after another 10 minutes. We reach home after almost 6 stops. He helps me out, enjoying the look on my face.

“I am really sorry about today.”

“We will talk tomorrow.” I hear him say after which I doze off as soon as I hit the bed.

 

I wake up the next morning with a throbbing head, a strong cup of coffee beside me, a tablet to sober me up, and my friends’ stupid face ready to mock me. And well of course Tuesday’s work, which must have already piled up on my desk by now! I am late!!! But first there is the mocking!!

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I don’t know what to say. I am ashamed. And I remember the last night party in bits and parts. And seriously I have no clue as to when I decided to stay away all night!

One look at him, and I can tell there is a big story behind it.

One look at him, and I am sure that I have done something which I ought not to.

One final look at him, and I am hundred percent sure I feel like a baby which I haven’t in quite a while, or was it just last night?

I give him a really sweet and a pleasing smile, trying to figure out if that’s going to help. Hoping to get away just like that small child that I was feeling like, would.

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Current Mood!

While the rest of the people around me are in a mood of vacations and holidays, happy and full of festivities, I can practically sum up my current mood in something I read today:

“I love everybody.

Some I love to be around.

Some I love to avoid.

And some others I’d love to punch in the face.”

One Blank Day!

I have been staring at the infinite space since morning today.

I had a paper to turn in.

For which I cancelled my work and all my other plans.

The outcome of freeing my space was, freeing and or emptying of my mind too!

And all I have at the end of day is, one blank page.

Wondering what I did all day?

 

Drank coffee.

Read.

Wondered.

Wandered.

Over-thought.

Read some pages again. (Fiction though.)

Ate junk food.

Wondered and wandered some more.

Wrote a few words, or to say few lines.

Didn’t like it.

Erased it.

Watched TV.

Didn’t like anything.

Watched stand up comedies on the Internet.

Wrote some more, paragraphs and pages this time.

Hated it even more.

Trashed it directly, this time.

 

Drank coffee.

Munched on a bar of chocolate.

Thought and over thought.

Made weird faces.

Clicked pictures in those weird faces.

Thought of writing it all over again.

Wrote- erased- ate- drank (drinks changed since the evening.)

Hated myself and turned off my computer.

Went back to my novel reading in the night.

 

Tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow.

I think it will creep with its own petty pace..

But nothing happens even tomorrow.

I give up finally, and write whatever comes to me, and submit a paper, which I am really unhappy with! So much for trying to become a writer?