I am not a very huge fan of children,
Overwhelming as they always leave me,
Fearing, exhausted, and hidden.
Despite which they have never failed
To wipe my tears,
Into smiles and cheers.
I am not a very huge fan of children,
Overwhelming as they always leave me,
Fearing, exhausted, and hidden.
Despite which they have never failed
To wipe my tears,
Into smiles and cheers.
Has it ever happened?
That you feel trapped?
You consider yourself quite brave,
But in all honesty, you are scared.
You thought that you forgot that feeling.
With so much constantly happening.
But one fine day,
You find yourself to pray.
Your fingers are crossed,
And you find yourself so much engrossed.
Anxious; petrified; feeling alarming.
Has it ever happened to you?
That something so important knocks the door,
That your knees go weak,
And valiance seems like yore.
When it is a Monday you usually have plans to wake up early and work for the entire day, trying to curse the Sunday to go off just as quickly, and cursing all the other days for Friday seems yet so far. Monday morning sees the longest line for coffee full of tiresome people wondering why exactly are they up so early after two days of slogging lethargy. Why do they have to leave their beds in this cold morning, and why exactly do they have to work despite their wishes. The rest of the Monday is all about waiting for the day to end, so that you can go home and dine at some kind of peace, while your better half, your family or your flat-mates chose to crib about the day, and you give them a pathetic look, admonishing them that you did not have a day any better than that. All you want to do by then is go under the blanket, and try; just to try to be at little peace and if you can’t get that at least you hope that sleep will befriend you soon. All the while anticipating when will exactly the week end?
And one fine day you wake up with the same Monday morning feeling, having no idea it is going to end up just wild.
I woke up with the same feeling yesterday morning, dreading the day. Leaving my bed in this cold morning was itself a task, and oh the blanket seemed to miss me as soon as I slipped my hands out of it. Oh the trouble! I crept out not wanting to, took a quick shower because of course I have overslept, force down something to eat, keep fidgeting at the line at the coffee shop, getting restless in the traffic, simply not wanting to work!!!
The day passes with it’s own leisurely pace, enjoying and relishing in my pain when I see people with fresh and vibrant and jovial faces all around enjoying the start of a new week, making me wonder where exactly do they get this kind of motivation and optimism! They ask me with fresh spirit in them, “Hey, how was your weekend?” And I curse under my breath for the days to have passed by, for the next weekend seems far away!!
Amidst these daily conundrums, I get a call from a friend inviting me to a party!
Come on who says a no to a party on a Monday evening! At least I don’t!!
And in no less time I am not waiting for the week to end, I am in only fair anticipation of the day to end. This seems fair! Of course it does! But the time seems to stick by and move at even a slower pace, and then after an aeon it’s lunch and after a few other ages it’s the end!!
Finally, I rush home and change into something more comfortable, my days’ tiredness seems to have evaporated and in no time I hear my friends car blazing outside!
I jump into the front seat, while he tells me that it is his office party and we might be there for an hour or so, and then we can head out and go for a long drive or something. And I am all ears!!
Well, the party seems okay, not boring but not too interesting too! So while my friend goes and tries to make an appearance in and around, I seat myself in the corner, hiding away from unknown people, (Seriously even I don’t understand this concept of mine, wanting to party and yet not wanting to meet anybody!) and grab of glass of wine! Of course I am not getting drunk on a Monday night! Ah ha..
My friend comes back in a while, and we go around meeting the few mutual finds that we have, and then we sit down at the same corner to dine. We are talking about our work, our personal lives, and everything in general, when a couple comes towards us and offers us drinks, (this was fine) but then they join us without our permission. I cringe!!!!!!
All the four of us are talking and drinking, and eating, and by the end I have lost count of how many glasses of that wine I have had. Well, to be fair, there were other drinks in between, a few many of which I really, truly regret to have taken. But I am okay as of now, but we are well past the time of making our appearance, and all I want is that promised long drive now, which seems to take all the time.
“So how’s your week going?” That girl beside me ask?
“Just as interesting as your weekend might have been.” I retort.
“What do you mean?”
I am appalled at myself! I am. But also, I cannot stop myself from laughing.
My friend is eyeing me from across the table.
“I am not scared of you, you know.” I blurt to him!
And there goes the rest of the wine from my hand.
“We should probably get going.” Is all I hear from him, but those kind hearted self-composed people wouldn’t let us go. We are back at our place, and I have stolen that glass again, without his realization at that, come one, give me some credit!!!
Wait, this isn’t wine! This was some kind of margarita, but this was nice too!
“So how’s your work?” That sweet girl is till trying to make conversation with me.
“Just as boring as the shirt your husband is wearing.”
I think my friends’ eyes are going to pop out, while she is still in shock. But the person I pass a pun on, is chill about it, is laughing at that, “She has a sense of humor.”
“See, he gets me.” I smile that pleading smile.
I am not sure but I see a hint of smile, just a little on my friends face, and I think I am good.
“I hear you are planning a long drive after the party.” I think the girl has forgiven me.
“But you are not invited.” I say before I warn my mind to do against it for the nth time that evening.
“That’s it, we need to go.” I hear my friend as he gets up.
“This is what I wanted. So are we going for that drive now.” I bat my eyes.
“Are you doing this intentionally?” He murmurs in my ear.
“Noooooooooooo. I promise! I seem to have lost my filter.
“Good, because you know this is my office party, and you cannot misbehave in front of them.”
“Then can we leave?”
And just then some colleague draws him away.
I sit down with that boring shirt man, and his wife who must clearly hate me by now.
“I am sorry, I just had a bad day, rather a bad weekend and a worse Monday.” I try to apologize.
“Oh it’s all right. We have all been there.” The boring shirt man sympathizes!
“No! You have only been here.” I point at his wife and giggle.
“Are you out of your mind?” that woman squeaks at me.
“Isn’t that obvious?” I laugh unapologetically.
She tries to snatch away the 4th or probably the 5th margarita from my hand when my friend finally shows up.
“I am so sorry. We need to leave.” And he grabs my arm.
“Oh she is just a little tipsy, the boring shirt man is still trying to be friendly.
“No, no I am done with her for today.” He pesters me to get up.
“Well, that was quicker than usual.” I laugh as I get up, stammering and struggling to my feet.
I see my friend go red, and listen to breezy bu-byes.
The next thing I know is I am sitting in the front seat of my friends’ car and he is strapping my seat belt tight enough to not even move. He sits in the driving seat and slams the door shut!
I think he is already furious.
“When was the last time you drank alcohol?” he glares the question at me.
“How is it relevant? I am drunk now, if that is what you are trying to figure out.”
“Well, that’s more than crystal clear madam. A blind man could smell your alcohol filth mouth and steer clear of you.”
“But I didn’t talk to any of your colleagues. I was sitting at the table all the while with your boring shirt friend and his wife. Did I embarrass you, now” I rest my case.
“You answer my question.”
“First you answer mine.” I am not laying low, or to say I am not playing intelligent.
“When was the last time that you had something to drink?”
“WHY! DID I EMBARRAS YOU, NOW?” I plead and try to make him feel guilty.
“No! Now tell me when was the last time you were drunk so much?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Are you going to ever tell me, because I know, you are not the one to go so tipsy after a couple of glasses of wine.”
“You really don’t remember?”
“I am losing my patience here.” He really is.
“I gave up on alcohol almost a year and a half back and since then all we have been doing is going to dinners and roaming about in the parks!”
“So why did you drink today?”
“I was bored.”
“That’s your reason?” he is flabbergasted.
“Come on. It’s no big deal. I am fine.” I say as I fumble to even take out my ringing phone.
He grabs it before me and answers the phone and tells someone that I will be staying over at his place tonight.
“Did you care to ask me if I want to stay at your place?” I am furious at him.
“Look at yourself, you are not going home tonight, that is a done deal!”
He starts driving and I remember the promised long drive.
“You must be kidding me.”
“I am not. I want to go, I really do.”
“We’ll go tomorrow. Today you need to sleep right away!”
“Please. Please, don’t take this away from me. This is the best time I have had in like months, please lets just go for a while.” I stammer between laughs and sobs.
And just then he drives towards the highway.
I squeak like a child! And I think I see a trace of smile on his face. I am okay, as of now- no trouble!
The car window is down, the wind is beyond cool now, and it is a little cold, the moon and the stars are our partners in crime and the music seems to be just soothing. “Seriously? This is by far the best time I have had in months.” I repeat into his ears. And he smiles a full smile this time.
“You know there is a new coffee shop a little away from the highway. Can we go there? I mean it could just help me sober up.” I suggest.
He eyes me, really doubting my intentions, but there is nothing that my over excited face gives away, and he keeps going.
I am really enjoying this when his phone rings, but there is no proper network and he stops the car.
He tries a couple of times to call back, and in the end gives up. But the phone doesn’t. It rings again, and I suggest he should take it outside the car. He is back in a second, in literally no time. And we drive off.
We drive for about an hour or so and then he really starts doubting me. “Where exactly is this coffee shop?”
“It was in this route.”
“What do you mean it was?”
“No, no I mean it is!!!!!”
There is complete silence for a while, when he scowls at me, he is definitely furious this time. The song changes to something else. I cannot see our partners in crime anymore. The towering trees seem to hide the sky from me, and I don’t see anything familiar on the road, except isolation! Why are the roads empty, I wonder. And then I notice small, really small huts on the sides of the road. Huts so small, that you cannot go inside them without bending your back. And then fear grips me. The wind is no calmer, it’s chilly and I am afraid. It is well past midnight, and I am sure that we are on the wrong path.
“I think we are on the wrong path.” I gather the courage to speak.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN? DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE GPS?”
The GPS, yes, the GPS, I might have done something to it, when I was trying to change the song when he got out.
One look at me and he checks the address.
His look in return confirms my fear, and I have no idea what to say.
“I went out for a minute, and you change the address?” he almost screams at me.
“I didn’t do it intentionally. I swear I didn’t.” I almost cry and I haven’t felt like a small baby in a long time, but in that moment I did, I really did.
He avoids me. He doesn’t speak a word and makes a U-turn, feeding in the correct address. “I think that was enough of a long drive for you and the sobering up? I think that I can help with as soon as we get home.” He is really angry.
“What are you going to do? Spank me for being a bad child?” I cackle.
“This is funny to you? Is this funny to you? We are in the middle of a Naxalite area, absolutely alone, and this is funny to you?”
I go further down into my seat, shutting my eyes, and remaining silent. Knowing what was the current thing to do for the first time that night.
We drive for about a half hour in silence, and then I am struck with my first repercussion of drinking so much.
“Please slow down.”
“I am not stopping anywhere before we reach my place.” Comes the simple reply.
I don’t have the courage to speak. I fumble with my seat belt, loosen it, open the window entirely allowing it to send chilly shivers against my face. And then I throw up! I throw up with all my might and finally he realizes what’s happening. He parks in the corner, opens his seat belt, and comes towards me. He holds back my hair away from my face, and really laughs a gritting laugh.
We drive away when I am done, only to stop after another 15 minutes, and then again after another 10 minutes. We reach home after almost 6 stops. He helps me out, enjoying the look on my face.
“I am really sorry about today.”
“We will talk tomorrow.” I hear him say after which I doze off as soon as I hit the bed.
I wake up the next morning with a throbbing head, a strong cup of coffee beside me, a tablet to sober me up, and my friends’ stupid face ready to mock me. And well of course Tuesday’s work, which must have already piled up on my desk by now! I am late!!! But first there is the mocking!!
I don’t know what to say. I am ashamed. And I remember the last night party in bits and parts. And seriously I have no clue as to when I decided to stay away all night!
One look at him, and I can tell there is a big story behind it.
One look at him, and I am sure that I have done something which I ought not to.
One final look at him, and I am hundred percent sure I feel like a baby which I haven’t in quite a while, or was it just last night?
I give him a really sweet and a pleasing smile, trying to figure out if that’s going to help. Hoping to get away just like that small child that I was feeling like, would.
While the rest of the people around me are in a mood of vacations and holidays, happy and full of festivities, I can practically sum up my current mood in something I read today:
“I love everybody.
Some I love to be around.
Some I love to avoid.
And some others I’d love to punch in the face.”
I have been staring at the infinite space since morning today.
I had a paper to turn in.
For which I cancelled my work and all my other plans.
The outcome of freeing my space was, freeing and or emptying of my mind too!
And all I have at the end of day is, one blank page.
Wondering what I did all day?
Read some pages again. (Fiction though.)
Ate junk food.
Wondered and wandered some more.
Wrote a few words, or to say few lines.
Didn’t like it.
Didn’t like anything.
Watched stand up comedies on the Internet.
Wrote some more, paragraphs and pages this time.
Hated it even more.
Trashed it directly, this time.
Munched on a bar of chocolate.
Thought and over thought.
Made weird faces.
Clicked pictures in those weird faces.
Thought of writing it all over again.
Wrote- erased- ate- drank (drinks changed since the evening.)
Hated myself and turned off my computer.
Went back to my novel reading in the night.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow.
I think it will creep with its own petty pace..
But nothing happens even tomorrow.
I give up finally, and write whatever comes to me, and submit a paper, which I am really unhappy with! So much for trying to become a writer?
“Aandhere me jo bhi dikhe, us se darr hi lagta hai.”
My friend said this to me yesterday. The literal translation of which is, “Anything that you see in the dark, is most certainly going to scare you.”
And somehow I find that that this friend is always right and meeting him for this occasional coffee proves more than just a cup of coffee. This is not the first time he has struck a one liner and stumped me. He does this time and again, sometimes only trying to be funny, and the other times, trying to compose my edgy nerves. And almost every time he succeeds in his intentions.
After he said this to me, I kept mulling over it, and I could only decipher its truth even more, after every passing second.
Isn’t he right? I mean sometimes does not the smallest of things bother you only because there is something else crucial going around? Doesn’t sometimes some incidents leave a mark on you more than they should, only because they came after a chain of unwanted events, shaking you? Do you not sometimes, feel scared only because something else is scaring you? Do you not feel scared in the darkness only because there is something uncertain? Do you not feel scared because there is nothing to see in that darkness? Do you not be scared only because you might be scared of the darkness? Are you not scared of being scared itself?
PS: I don’t know how much I make sense today to any one of you..
I cannot say that I am at a lot of disposal of time these days to have a current reading list, but after my recent circus show in my life, I desperately needed an escape. A real escape. And so I have been drowning myself in books.
Before, I would pick up a book and read it front and back, till I was satisfied with it, and only then would I have gone on to the next book. But off late, my concentration capacity has been so belittled that even when it comes to books, I have started shifting from one to another. And I don’t even know if it’s helping me. But as of now I have picked up a set of books and am reading them in bits and parts, and so far so good! The only problem is I am taking longer than usual to complete each book. The result of which is, my mind is getting more curious by the day, I get anxious, and wonder what exactly is wrong with me that I am taking so long to complete a book!!
I know, and I agree with my over-reactions. But all the same, I am enjoying for the time being, to have a big set of books to go back to everyday.
The list incorporate:
And if this was not enough, I am reading this again.
I don’t know what I am trying to do, live the good old childhood days or am I simply trying to believe in something called magic? But I am reading this for the second time this month, and I am not even ashamed of it.
And if all of this was not enough, I ordered another book for myself, despite the unread books that I have, including the huge set that I was gifted on my birthday. Well, in my defence I was ordering two books for my exams, and somehow I thought books just for exams doesn’t seem exactly apt, right? So I should order at least one good book to read too. And that’s how this little one reached me:
So, yeah, that’s it. This is my current reading list.
Not that I am free of work or my exams and assignments, but I am just reading them all the same.
Have you read any of these?
Any thoughts on them, or to say on my recent obsession for reading more than I can manage on a work day?
If not, then Happy Reading 😀