Category Archives: Ramblings of my mind.

The officer in Power.

They say that you should follow the system, the system is definitely right. But who may I ask makes this system? Who follows the system? Who executes this ‘system’? Are all the people in the system following the system? Can any one answer that, truthfully?

 

I don’t think so. I don’t believe that anyone can tell me the correct answer, or I don’t believe that the answer to all of the above questions can be answered positively.

 

I will tell you which system I am talking about. I am talking about the government officials, about the government methods of doing the things; of the system we are supposed to follow implied by the government. I don’t usually interfere in these matters, I like to stay clear, nor do I like to have my opinions about such issues because I know I don’t understand everything related to it, and that I may be wrong. But today I am furious and raging with a very small incident, which has some how decided to not leave my nerves.

 

I was at a government office today, trying to understand the process, which needed to be done in person, and by the end of the day all I could hear was, “Take another appointment and come gain.”

 

Well, this is not the very first time I have been postponed so I will share some of my experiences here when it comes to such official issues.

 

Most often than not, you are called for at a very punctual time, which in any case you must not miss. So you reach the place before or on time since you don’t want to mess up, and as soon as you reach you think everything is so systemized that you will be done in no time. But as time ticks by you see absolutely nothing happening around, except for the time ticking and you getting restless. Then slowly you reach the lunch hour, and realize that the person being called before you has still been waiting, so you do the math and think of how to kill time without using mobile phones. Finally the time comes when your name is being announced, and honest to God sometimes I have felt that I have been called in for some hearing in a court. But then you are to wait in a second waiting room, where you find the person who came before you. Another few minutes, may be an hour, and then finally you are next, but oh alas! You forgot the tea break!! You hear another laughter and a little bit of gossip, trying to find out what exactly they are talking about, what is so important and serious, that is keeping them for more than 30 minutes for tea. But you hear nothing.

 

Then finally, you go inside in front of the official, all nervous in my case, because these things never go right with me in a go. You just don’t understand why. So you see a lethargic old guy in front of you sitting and sipping that tea. Wasn’t the tea break over? Anyway, you shove your files in his way, and then he pretends to be occupied with something else. Then what seems like an eternity to you, he gets free from whatever he was doing and takes up your files, and examines them as if he was looking into a crime report.

 

Hmmm….

 

What?

What’s wrong?

 

But he will not say anything; he smiles instead. So everything all right, you guess? He seems to be in a good mood, so you just try your luck and ask very, very politely what all the delay was about? Why the 11:30 appointment had to be kept waiting till 4:30 to which he replies very callously, “Oh, we have a lot of work around here. It just got delayed.” You smile so, so politely that your jaws hurt when you do it. You try to understand exactly how busy he must have been, (Drinking tea for 30 minutes?) Anyway, of course you are polite your work isn’t done yet, when suddenly he finds a mistake in some of your papers, and he says this is wrong and that you need to rectify it. And suddenly he is absolutely rude and all business as if what he was going through was after all really a crime report. Your time is up suddenly, you realize as he calls for someone else, but you are not even answered. By now you have lost the entire day’s patience, and are bold enough to ask how to rectify it, since you don’t know all the rules about it. He simply avoids you. You are right there, but you could not be right there too. The other person is in a flux as to talk or not, but he goes on anyway, and suddenly the very professional official realizes that there is a flaw in his file too. “How to rectify it?”

 

A blank face looks up at the two of you, asking you to leave. You both do not move, and seem to wait for the answer. Of course you cannot talk up to him, remember, your work isn’t done yet? And the ego these days are most certainly taller than the person’s height. And so you cannot even talk with him now, with the fear that sooner or later you will have to come back here, to get your work done, and then he will make sure to keep you waiting more, or worse to not do your work, basically to make your life worse. After all he can do it, he has the power, at least you think so then.

 

So, back to waiting for the answer. The flaw can be rectified with only words that your stupid, stupid brain don’t get and then since you know that you cannot simply take any of this shit longer, you decide to leave. Just when you show your back to him, you hear the third person’s voice asking the same question politely again, to which there is a fuming answer from the person at power. You turn back; to see a scene as if you are in a school, the principal expelling a student and realize the situation isn’t any different. It could be a funny situation, but since even you are facing the same thing, it isn’t anymore. You feel humiliated. It is only natural that not every person knows everything, and it is his job to tell you what is wrong. Even if it isn’t his job, there is no power bestowed on him to shout at you or disrespect you. Yes, he has power, but he cannot simply degrade you. He would not want to answer, so he should not, but how in the world is he allowed to do that?

 

Yes, it is a monotonous job, sometimes people get irritated, and sometimes the people that come to that officer are those who don’t understand things easily. Some are illiterate, and have no idea what to do, but they are there, trying. You understand that the job requires the same work 8 hours a day 5 days a week, all year long. But remember whether you chose it or not, it is your job, and whatever the circumstances, you have no right demeaning the other person. Had someone from any other business or sphere behaved this was, there could have been a solution. There are people who listen to the customers and their grievances, probably leading to the person in power being fired. But since this is a special case, you know anything you do isn’t going to work. Here, even you have to be a loyal and honest citizen, and in most cases you are not. There is no possible way to avoid dealing with him. You will have to do it, whether you like it or not. So you breathe in and leave the room, for now!!

 

Peeping back you find the officer in power glorify in his days work, and signing off for the day. You stand and wonder what you have done with your day? Nothing, except realizing that that the officer in power is always right.

 

By the time you leave, you don’t even care if the work is done or not, you are simply too tired, from dong nothing and waiting. You suddenly realize that you haven’t had anything to eat since morning and wonder if you should go home, or go out eat, or put in the effort to rectify “the mistake”.

 

You hear someone say that he was just doing his job, he has to make sure that nothing is filed wrong, and that the security is more important, no mistake should happen with the paperwork. Of course no mistake should happen otherwise the whole economy would come crumbling down, otherwise so many crimes could be committed, and as it happens every one is so specific and responsible in their work that we have no such issues ever.

 

But you just don’t care now, and go home and ramble this in your blog, and may be even disrespect someone who might be into government offices and who might be reading this. Again, not everyone is the same, and I might not mean this to you, but yes, I have the right to say I am yet to find a day, and a person who would not take too much pride in his authority and that my work has ever been done so much as a little smoothly.

 

I am sorry if I have crossed a line here. I may not have faced this entirely today, but yes this is more or less the truth that I always come across.

 

Yes, we have to follow the system, but does the system follow the system? I don’t think just getting frustrated with your job or losing it when someone is trying to understand what you are saying is completely following the system. And not to forget the unending wait, today, tomorrow and I don’t know how long. Yes, I agree it is always important when it comes to the work of government, but do we as citizens not have anything else to do? I mean yes, the officer in the power has important work to do, but don’t we? Probably not as important as his, but I can safely say that I have never kept my customer or client waiting all day long, not because I fear getting fired, but because I value time, theirs and ours. I have never shouted or been arrogant to one of my clients, not because I am scared of losing my job, but because I think it is unethical and immoral.

 

I may not know much, but I am absolutely certain that unless and until we learn to value time (everyone’s), and learn a little morality (The irony, this being said in a country known for its culture and morals), we will never ever change!

Words!

Words are important.

What I wrote above are just three words, but if I sit and think about it, it is as significant as words for me.

A person really needs to think what he is saying before he speaks those words out, before it is too late. You cannot take back those words.

Words are a person’s thoughts, his mind, you can really make a person feel loved by them or you can break a person too.

Words are simply significant.

For me words are my feelings, my heart, my soul, my truth. Whatever language they may be in, it doesn’t matter, words are words, and they are me.

I speak very less in person, I like to listen more. (Because most of the time the other person does not like to listen.). But there is a reason I speak less. I think I have no right judging and forcing my views on others. This does not mean I keep things to myself, I let my feelings out too, but in a more measured and careful way. I can’t just bring myself to destroy the other’s belief, right or wrong. May be I overthink this too, as I overthink everything else, but when someone tells me something, I believe it, when someone is rude with his words, I tend to get hurt, or I think I get over-hurt; when someone says something nice to me, I get over-joyed, all because I love the words they have said. I give so much importance to those words, when in actuality they could do with a little less paparazzi. (Only to avoid getting overjoyed and over-destroyed)

But what can I say, I may be an emotional fool to say that words touch me where people fail to.

Words are significant to me.

They touch my soul.

 

Bookish Problems!

All my close friends and the some of the followers here know that I am a big time book nerd, reading being my escape from reality. But my nerd problems extent to a deeper level this week. I share here some pictures of my oh-so-consistent trouble. (Courtesy to google)

1

But I dozed off at 300 pages 😦

35dd045e79b68f96b9ba7749a8ae152d--reading-books-quotes-on-reading

Do you think you would be able to live without breathing? DUH!

567f7a24cababe8a46d11cc888e64465

Escape Reality!!!!

download

I sure have, many times:-D

download (1)

I can marry only them with my whole heart 😀

download (2)

I already am 😦

download

I could really use that money….

fa951836db98ffe36286bb80266cae29--funny-book-memes-funny-reading-quotes

Every single time!!!!

images (1)

I mean did I ask you? Did I borrow your money for those books?  Am I occupying your space for those book? Those are my babies, I can have as many as I want 😀

images (3)

I wish I could have more respect for tomorrow.

images

I definitely would.. Because I would win every single time..

images (2)

Oh yeah, baby!!

Do any of you relate to this? Or am I the only one trying to escape reality, living in a fantasy land where I have… Well, everything that I want.

“Your Eyes Speak, Darling!”

It is often advised not to build a business with a friend or a relative, because one of them will never flourish. And the ever adamant person that I am, I will go and definitely do that.

A few years ago I met this person, who initially was abhorred by me but when I got to know him, I realised I was so wrong, completely wrong. And that’s how our friendship began. I had stopped expecting anything out of any relationship by then and so this began as a general acquaintance for me which inadvertently took to a really good friendship. I still didn’t expect anything out of it. When I say ‘expect’ all I mean is that I didn’t expect him to do anything for me, I didn’t expect him to really bother for me or I had no intention in worrying him. I am short of words here.. do you get it? What I am trying to say.

Anyways, so we became good friends and really good friends for that matter where there is no scope of any kind of romantic relationship from both the sides (thankfully). And then after a while we started working together.

I got to know him even better.

Since this is a work-friend relationship we make sure we decide primarily when we are talking as friends, and when as co-workers. But of course many a times we divert ways and so far it has never been ugly.

Today, I met this person after a few days and we were discussing work over a cup of coffee. We were almost done, when I caught him staring at me, more so like glaring at me. My mind went blank, why was he not focused at what I was saying. And I had to snap at him to bring him out of his reverie.

We simply discussed work and as soon as we got finished with it, he blurted out, “Why don’t you go out somewhere? You are truly disturbed and in an objectionable amount of pain.”

I was flummoxed. I almost stammered which is really unlike me and then decided to keep shut, pretending to drink my coffee.

“You go on a leave; you are stressed and really burdened with work, a break would help you.”

We weren’t even discussing anything personal. We were discussing work for God’s sake. How would he know anything about my life right now? I gulped another sip of coffee and stared blankly at him.

“You deserve it,” With that I knew he wouldn’t say anything further.

I knew I had to say something, I couldn’t let him waver. He is my friend too and I owed him an answer. But what?

My hands are wrapped in a fist, and he smiles. Fuck! He does know me well.

I let go of my hands and say “But how would you know any of that?” trying to sound confident and challenging.

Who was I kidding?

“Your eyes speak, darling.”

And just that way, my eyes grew bigger and I gulped down air as fast as I could. He knows me from my eyes? How? Really? Is that possible?

He didn’t ask me anything further; he knew I would never say. I never do. I just shut myself down from emotions. And he left me with that thought.

We finished our coffee, and I diverted him with my tactics, I bombarded him with my questions about him, and made it all about him and I won! We were soon into his problems and how he was dealing with them. We left soon.

He dropped me home as a friend, reminding me to make some work calls as a co-worker. But my mind kept wondering. I didn’t ‘expect’ anything from him. And yet he proved to be really a good friend. Well, more than a good friend.

You just don’t lose these kind of people, whoever they are, and whatever kind of relationship you have with them, you just don’t. They are too special to lose.

 

I Am Done!

I am done.

I am done trying to prove myself,

I am done trying to make myself heard.

I am done trying to prioritize others,

I am done listening to those others,

I am done trying to fit in,

I am done fighting for every little thing,

I am done dealing with those emotions,

I am done with all the toxic potion,

I am simply done with it all,

Now, I simply don’t care, like me or not.

 

Swimming Escapade!

As the summers have hit, I lumber across the huge and insanely deep waters in the mornings almost everyday. It is so relishing, so relaxing that I can’t even to begin explain how I feel then.

Well, who am I kidding, I know exactly how I feel, because it isn’t the oceans that I am bathing in. I am in a small pool under a very beautiful canopied roof.

But the idea seems enticing, oh, the idea of having and living beside the ocean. (This keeps gawking at me, the idea and my past. I miss living near that raving ocean.)

So, coming back to today, when I am drenched in those chlorinated waters, barely neck deep and yet trying, putting my efforts in a vain attempt to swim; I savour and enjoy what I have instead of crying over the past which can’t be in my present. Yes, there I was, glorifying myself, basking under the shaded warmth, drinking in the morning chills of the freshwater, awarding myself an imaginary trophy for choosing the time when I could avoid the thing that I always want to, people. It is peaceful, and I am just glad that I don’t have to make fake pleasantries or even fabricated efforts of trying to make any kind of conversation. It is soothing.

The irony lies in the fact that I can’t swim. Believe me, every year it is on my list, to learn how to swim. But there are excuses always. It starts with skin and hair issues, then it is sometimes followed by busy schedules, followed by my laziness. And some of the years I just am not in one particular place, preventing me from this little thing which I have been wanting to do since childhood. No, I am not scared of water, I love playing in it, playing with it, playing all over it 😉

They say some people are ‘hills people’, some on the other hand are ‘oceans and lake people’, I consider myself to be a ‘Nature person’. Yeah, you can refer to me as one of the Romantics who is always in awe of hills, mountains, trees, sky, oceans, rainbow……….

But the problem. Yes the problem lies in the fact that my love for nature never wins over the other reasons of not learning how to swim. (Lazy me; Accepted guilt)

So, there I was like a small kid flapping and waving my hands in that water (the lack of people helped me bring out that carefree child in me) instead of literally swimming. I was dead sure of not crossing the 5ft mark on the corners, as if I would never know that I can’t feel the pool beneath me. But just to be sure, that my dwarfish height does not submerge beneath the level, I did not cross it.

The second irony lies in the fact that I was almost drowned despite my careful analysation of the height level. As much as it sounds funny to me now, at that point of time, I thought I almost died 😀

At one point in my ineffectual attempts of swimming I got tired (Look at my laziness) and decided to relax against the sides of the pool. And I paid for it instantly. Why did I have to go there? I saw someone from the corner of the eyes, and to avoid that person I shifted a little making myself closer to my doom for the day.

All of a sudden my left heel pulled inside of something, the pull was so strong that I lost my balance completely. And then it dawned on me that I was standing right ahead of one of the suction outlets. What was I supposed to do then?

I had lost my balance, I had lost all my little stamina too in that one hour of childish play in that pool, and I was being pulled forcefully inside something, inside which my leg would probably not fit, despite which my leg was wanted!

I was trying to pull myself out, snatching myself, grabbing my feet, but it wouldn’t budge. This kept on for a few minutes which certainly seemed like eternity. I was underwater now with no balance, no breaths left, flapping about, almost battling with that pool and desperately attempting to free myself. After a while I could feel myself struggling even to breathe and a certain kind of pain started stabbing me in my heels, I don’t know if the pain was from that continuous suction or from the fact that I was pulling myself away incessantly.

After a while I gave up.

I almost started drinking that chlorinated water. I thank that it was only almost and then I threw it up. Realisation dawned on me that there was absolutely no one around, the pool was empty and if I didn’t do anything soon, I’ll probably be left there unless someone finds me struggling underneath.

I let go off my feet and came up, as much I could at that level, and swallowed air like a hungry animal. And then I saw that, literally, there was no one around. When I came in there were certainly few people there, but I guess not everyone loses themselves in the spur of the moment and bask in the glory of getting to their work late, almost every second day.

The next suction was so strong, I thought that not only my feet would get in, but my whole body would be drawn in. Oh, the dramatic me!!

I went in one final time with certainty that I cannot let myself wait for someone to come and rescue me, I had to do something, but my audacity came crumbling down as soon as I went in and lost my balance again.

But this time, I could not let it go. I held onto my feet tightly and with my other leg pushed myself against the sides of the pool. And with one final pull, and push I was out and free.

I rolled inside the waters a little but thankfully I was pushed towards the 4ft level and I could stand up, finally breathing, raspily. I clambered out of the pool instantaneously and just when I came out, there was a small group of people heading towards me. They definitely eyed me for sitting there sulkily and in a very awkward demeanor. But who cared?

I hurried out, not even glancing back towards that pool!

Now that i think of it, it sounds funny to me, that a small suction outlet pulled me inside and gave me half an inch deep cut in my feet. But in that moment, I was frantic!!

Well, I was ready to let go. What if I had let go? I didn’t know how to swim, what would have happened?

I kept struggling, and I realise now that sometimes we need to keep fighting that one last battle. As always I might be reading too much into things, but that’s who I am, we got to deal with it.  I accept not everything is in our hands, and sometimes to let go is the best alternative, but sometimes, it is worth fighting for. May be, may be that one last battle could make you win.

Anyways, so this year I get another reason for not going swimming. My cut in that stupid feet is deep and it burns, really bad. I wouldn’t dare to think of it submerged in that water. And by the time it might heal, I have my exams coming up, so we’ll see about swimming maybe next year 😉

 

 

 

 

Truth.

Ernest Hemingway once said, “All you have to do is write one true sentence, and then go on from there.”

I want truth today, anything, sad, happy, good, bad, anything- just truth. What is your truth today?

I want to listen today.

My truth at the moment will be something like this-

“Some days I am a Goddess,

Some days I am wild child,

And some days I am a fragile mess.

Most days I am a bit of all three.

But every day I am here, trying.”

Do share your thoughts, your truth, it could be anything, your thoughts, your story, what you are going through now, anything…

As I said I want to listen…