Category Archives: Ramblings of my mind.

Moorings.

 

Weekends shouldn’t be about going out, partying, trashing, shopping, dining, and tiring yourself. They should be about the things that you would want to do otherwise. It should be about, well, honestly my answer changes as frequently as the illogical and unwanted threats, thrown by people who might run a country and yet wouldn’t know how to run a country. So, if you asked me last month what are weekends for, I would have told you the very thing that I denied when I began writing this. I would scream and holler in insta accent “Partay” or “friyay” but this weekend was the reflection of the other shades of me. All I wanted to do was to sit at home, avoid people and read. I did everything else but this.

 

So with a sullen and putrid mood I met a friend and we were waiting for our Uber when she tells me “phones inside”. This was supposed to be our one on one so no phones were allowed. Okay, I wasn’t looking at my phone. And she was the one who had this habit. But I was the one who was being told to keep it inside. I didn’t have a bag or a wallet on me. I had the needed cash in my pockets and thanks to the sizes of the new phones, my phone won’t fit in my pockets. So I said. And so she indicated at her own pockets when I refused to do anything about it. I thought what the hell, is she wearing her boyfriends’ pants? I mean no other way did her phone fit in there. I wonder why is this? I mean why do they do this? Why do men’s pants have pockets the size, which can fit a wallet, keys, sanitizer, kerchief, condoms, phones and what not. I have seen men carrying almost everything that women do, there is nothing different. Yes, except from a sanitary pad, I guess the needs are pretty much the same. Then why in the name of God do they do this to us poor souls? Not all women like carrying bags just as not every man likes not carrying a bag. So, yeah, my friend, she indicated that she could fit her phone in her pocket so I did ask her why and how. She said, this is what you get for not going after brand names and gave me a wink. So now I was wrong in wearing a branded pair of denim! Great!!!

 

But this pocket and bags thing remind me of one other thing. I guess big pockets or not I think I should start carrying a bag always. I mean there is the possibility of my mom calling me here and now and asking me to bring so and so and so things. I tell you the list goes on. Tell me why is it that moms need so much stuff from stores. Okay, don’t tell me. I have asked this a million times and I have got the same answer. You will know when you become a mom. Believe you me, I am in no hurry! Yeah, so she calls me randomly and then there is this store called reliance fresh on my way and I go in and buy those things on the whatsapp message that my mom stresses on sending despite the fact that she just called me and then I realize that I don’t have anything to carry this in. So I ask for a bag and he generously adds 14 bucks for it. This could happen to you too. I remind myself that the next time I am not leaving my house without a bag. I mean yeah sometimes you forget to carry bags, and then the stores make you pay for it and then it is all-fine. But 14 bucks for a plain ‘jhola’ isn’t what I intend on paying again.

 

But that ‘jhola’ and its gloomy look is still better than the goofy smile that that boy gives me on the third floor of my building. He is new. Just shifted. I hate it when they bring such tenants. And by such I mean bachelors. Not that these bachelors are disturbing. Far from it. They are dull bloody boring engineers and I hate it. I hate them not because they live a life of a bachelor but because they are bored engineers who have nothing in their lives except for work. I see them going early in the mornings, dressed formally and return in the night with such dead looks as if nothing is left in their lives. I pity them. But the pity lasts only till I see one of them with that big bright smile of his. Why? Why does he creep me out? And since he is a neighbor now I am forced to smile back which leads to an even bigger smile. Okay fine so from now I am going to avoid coming and going when he comes. Yes, that’s what I am going to do.

 

But I don’t like how he looks. I mean not how he looks-looks, I mean how empty he looks. As if he has nothing left in his life except for work. I have heard him talk over the phone sometimes, dull mundane talks, not that I was spying. He was in his verandah. I was in mine. He was loud enough. I tell you, he could be nothing more than 30 and the way he lives! I guess isolation does that to people. Yes, it must be isolation. That friend of mine? With whom I was waiting for an uber she has made me believe 100% that you mess up your own life when you are so lonely. It makes you do things that a sane mind would otherwise not do. Yes that is it, he is and my friend is lonely! But who isn’t today. Aren’t we all living in the phase where we have only happy pictures not a happy life?

 

Yes, that is true. The 15 year old who put a picture of his new haircut, with that ‘lit’ emoji tags his picture with the quote, “life is hard.” So it must be. Yes, it definitely must be. Life is lonely and hard. So do you think I should become a matchmaker and make my friend meet this engineer guy? Could work, right? I should believe so.

 

But then people believe in a lot of things these days. The man following me on the road the other day must have thought so. I mean he must have really believed that something could happen here, between him and me. Only then would he have driven around town, wasting his fuel, for a whole 30 minutes in the same area again and again. God! It took him 30 minutes to realize that I wasn’t going to stop driving until he stopped following. What was I? Some frenzied woman who would show him way to my home? No! So, I kept driving here and there and he kept following. I wonder how his mind was working? That he would follow me to my home and then since he will have my address he will come to my place again and again and then just like it happens in romantic movies, I will blush and smile and fall for him? I guess so. I think this is the only explanation, only hope for which he must have wasted his life’s 30 minutes after me.

 

Hey, this reminds me the other day I went on my walk and saw someone following me. A very old uncle this time. I was creped. He smiled too. Look at the audacity. But as soon as he passed me it struck me. He wasn’t smiling in a way I was thinking; he was a very old man. He was a guard someplace. I knew him. Yes, it struck me then that he was the guard at my old school and I didn’t smile back. He was the cute guard who held our hands and helped crossed the roads. And I didn’t recognize him, I didn’t smile back. I didn’t even acknowledge him. And so now I am one of those snobs who forget those cute people as they grow up. At least he must think so. See, these pervs do this to you. Ruin every other man for you in every possible way.

 

But among all of this there is something good too. I mean of course our world if full of people whom I (I don’t know about you) abhor but there are little perks of joy in and around too. So as I was telling you about my walks, I have missed something about it of late. There is the cutest little girl who ties two pony tails and stand beside her dad everyday at the same place, same time, waiting for her school bus, looking right in front of her with such command and precision that I’d be mad not to admire her. There is something about that look, command may be or endurance? But as soon as she sees me she will be smiling back at me as if there was no other look in the world that she knows. Her dad once asked her, “Who are you smiling at, Do you know her?” And she just said, “That di”. I mean isn’t she cute. I hope she doesn’t do this with everyone though. Her dad smiles back too since then. But they had been missing since so many days. They are back! Yeaaaaaa they are back and that smile is back. I didn’t realize till now how much I had been habituated to her. My walks have been better since the return of my waving friend.

 

But don’t you think one day this is going to stop. Either I will stop going to walks on that route or she will start driving to school herself. She doesn’t look far from that age. I guess that is how this works, isn’t it. I mean of course nothing is permanent except change. This brings me to another question, if nothing is permanent then what about love? Isn’t it the only thing that doesn’t wither? Isn’t true love the only thing that can beat and overcome anything? Who am I to say? What would I know? You tell me!

 

But then again who would know anything of true love, I wouldn’t. Would you? Hard to say. I mean I saw three relationships breaking in the last week. In just one week I saw three couples go their way, couples who had been together for years, couples who were mature and immature. One of them, a couple I mean has been dragging their drama to me too. This couple generously falls in the category of immature. Well, that is how I see it. So yeah, they have been dragging and pulling at threads and I am stuck in between. Initially, it is fine you know. You think they are your friends ad it would be only good if you could kick some little sense in their rusty mind, but no they won’t get it. They will carry every drab fight to you, as if they are the kids and I am the parent. So I got fed up and wanted to scream, “Dude, if I wanted this kind of drama in my life, I would be in this sort of a relationship myself. I don’t want this shona-babu-baby which is why I am not in this kind of a relationship. Please…. Let me be. I was not in that relationship, you were, I cannot do anything, you can.” But I guess troubled minds don’t get this simple language. Well, but if they don’t get such simple things then why do they get in a relationship? Why do they play the game called feelings?

 

Oh, I got carried away, didn’t I? Became too philosophical, did it? Okay, don’t answer that. I know you won’t. Because even you don’t have any answers. I know you don’t. Well at least my cousin makes me realize that you don’t, I don’t, no one has these answers. Drunk on self-pity after crying for a whole half hour I decided I’ll call her and vent everything that’s bottled within. But before I could muster a dreary and mucus filled hello she started crying! Okay, old story Moushmi! Clear your head and start listening, this doesn’t sound good! Something’s up. And so just like every time you shut up and listen making yourself believe that it is probably for the best not to talk to anyone about it. So, yeah don’t even think about it again. But boy, is she messed up! Well, didn’t I say messed up people and solitariness makes people do things, weird things! Anyways, who am I to judge?

 

By the way, judgment reminds me of one thing. The thing because of which I stared writing this.  No, no not the weekend plans. But my kind of weekend for this week. Books. Enough with the ramblings, and before you kill me let me jump straight, without any glitches in between and without any diversion that could hinder my asking you this very small petite question. What do you do if you don’t like the book that you are reading? I mean I am always torn between leaving the book that I start disbelieving in and my love for reading, simply saying, “They are books, how can you leave them midway?” So far in my entire life there has been only one book that I have left after 100 pages and I don’t even remember which book it was. Isn’t life too short to waste on books that you start disliking? But then again, how do you know if you like it or not unless you read it. But what if you not only don’t like it, you hate it, and you just don’t believe in what the author is saying, he/she is just going round and round and round without making a point just as I am doing with this post? So, yeah enough with this merry go round, I will stop here, and ask you if it is often that you leave a book midway? Or do you suck it and finish it and then judge the author and the book. I know by using the word ‘judge’ I am giving you the full liberty to judge me, but you are going to do this anyway, right? So judge away and let me know about the books. The next time I am leaving a book after a mere 50 pages, there might be less guilt within me, guilt of leaving someone, just as someone else (may be you) might want to leave me. So if you are not one of those who got bored midway and have reached this far you know my question, and I’ll be waiting for your answer.

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The Sea

Poetry has been a consistent part of my life, first reading and then writing. Though if someone would have said that I could try writing poems, a year back, I would have rolled my eyes and said, “Yeah, right!” Not that I have become very confident of my pieces, but I have come as far as trying to share them and be judged.

So, judge away a small poem that has been accepted for publication by Indian Periodical:

The Sea

Do share with me what you think about this. It is always amazing to hear from you, and helpful to hear an honest opinion.

magic

Illusion or Authenticity!

I dreamt

I dreamt of beautiful things

I dreamt with open eyes.

All my life I was taught

To dream big

Fly high

And so with open eyes

I dreamt of open skies.

Of peace, calm

And of little love.

I have dreamt of inane faith

And believed

That everything will find its way.
Oh- I pictured everything

Of what I wanted

Of dreams that kept me haunted.

What and how and why and when

I thought of everything

That will in reality

Happen again.

The smiles

Engraved

The twinkling eyes

Unscathed

Like a novice, I was in my imagination,

Engaged!

I dreamt of everything

Didn’t leave anything.

Every tiny detail

From today, tomorrow,

And yesterday.

Oh- I sinned.

Oh- I dreamt big.

Dreams don’t come true

Now reality will

Teasingly bite on you.

But wait-

It all came true.

It all did.

What and how and why and when

Every magical kiss again

Everything the way

My open eyes had engraved.

No detail left

And love no more bereft.

Only, there was a little alteration

Everything happened

The way it was meant to be.

The way my heart wanted to see.

But for that one little thing

A tiny little fling.

The dream did come true

Just the way I had thought through

Only-

Only when it came to reality

The dream was not meant for me.

The what

The how

The why

The when

All became a living reality

Only not for me.

Someone else came in a swift

And lived my dream

Instead of me.

Was it not

My dream?

It all happened

Just the way I wanted

But I did not live it.

Jealousy and anger- My sin

I am only human after all.

For years I pined for those wings

And just as I was about

To touch them

Someone came and plucked them away.

My dream

Shattering into million little pieces

Tears brewing in my hollow eyes

But I can’t move.

The dream is all I had

Towards which I slogged

And with that gone

I am nothing but a meek fawn.

I am only a human after all

Succumbing to a painful fall

Lost in an empty desert

Where, in darkness

I howl, “It hurt.”

A Year Older, A Year Wiser #3

I am sitting at my over embellished desk staring at the picture that I so adore, sipping tea. Sipping tea has been the highlight of the day these days, well, not exactly sipping tea, but trying various teas has been. I am so bored and useless that all I look forward to a day is sipping tea. From Hibiscus to white, I am trying all of them one by one. Some I liked, some just tasted like warm water! So, todays sachet was titled blue youth! Ironical, since I am taking tiny steps away from the youth. Anyways, yeah, blue youth was good. A herbal infusion of.. oh let it be. I know no one is interested. Today, not even me!

 

So yeah, the tea is good and I am typing this laboriously, laboriously I say because I am not even the mood of typing, or to say talking. But I am bored and I want to talk too. Yeah, see how messed up this is. All day long people have been texting/calling and so far I have only wanted two of them to talk to me. Rest are just making small talks, weirding it out over awkward questions that come up when you realize that you have started talking only on birthdays, or the other half of the people are just doing it for the sake out of doing it, you know since you wish them, they wish you too, types.

 

So yeah, I am typing and talking into the oblivious and thinking too. What exactly I am thinking? I wish I could point at this. What to do with my life? Whether to pick up this damned phone that has been wringing since eternity or what to eat if my stomach grumbles. I sip that tea instead.

 

What possible good can thinking bring anyway. I have been worried all through, if I’ll pass, if a job is going to work out, if everything else is finally going to find some calm. Thinking did no good. Working towards it did no good too. Things aren’t working out. They just aren’t. 2019 was supposed to be better. At least I thought so. But thinking and pondering isn’t helpful, and yet I think. You’d think I might learn from my mistakes.

 

Learnt or not, I improved things too. I mean I don’t think ahead now, or I only think as ahead as the next minute, or at the max the next hour. I mean if I have to get a pizza then I need an hour, because the pizza guy is going to tell me when I order, that they are sorry but it is going to take more than half an hour to deliver due to the overflowing amount of money in their chains pockets.

 

But anyways, I am thinking so much that all the pending chores come to mind. I have to do this, send this, check that, get that done, deliver this, write that, read this, print that! I let a sigh pass and decide I will start with that document to be printed. But for that I will have to go to our office. I twist and scrunch my nose, the thought itself cringes me. I hate going out of my room these days, let alone, my home. Not that our office is too far away, but I abhor the idea.

 

However, I know I have to get it done. I mean at least I have to get this much done today. Rest can be figured our tomorrow. Still, I go out of my room and look at my brother. He gives me the all-knowing smile; telling me don’t even ask me to do anything now. I sigh for the millionth time today.

 

I gather all my things, keys, purse, pen drives, phone which I don’t want right now but take any way, and go out. The after rain wind slaps my face mocking me, asking how long do you think you could stay away from me. I make a face; I guess all I am best at is doing that.

 

I start my scooty. As usual it plays with me and doesn’t want to start. But I know it, and it boosts up, right at the third attempt. I give it a speed of 60 and want to rush out of the parking lot. Common sense takes better of me. I slow down.

 

My office printer isn’t working, my dad says do it outside, and while you are at it….. a list of chores come my way. I forget my things and start on that. After an hour I am done, and back at office. He asks me if I got my copy of print?

 

Huh? What print?

 

I go back and get a copy of what I wanted. There is someone standing behind me, a woman, little older than me. She tries to make conversation. I don’t want to talk to her. But she pesters. And I just can’t be rude. I have tried it. I am bad at it. “So the results are out ha?” she peers over my saved document.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Did you clear it?”

 

She probably has already seen my marks, percentage and my percentile. Yet she is asking, I don’t want to talk, especially not about this. So I won’t repeat it here. I didn’t fail. But needless to say that I am not intelligent enough has been proved.  I wonder again. I wander again. What exactly happens to those who are mediocre? I mean the extremely intelligent people are focused right from the start and fly right after high school. The dumb are sure that they are not brilliant, and settle soon. Which leaves me with people like myself- the middle benchers, trying to fit in, sometimes so much interested in knowing, sometimes wanting to learn, sometimes wanting to make something of them, sometimes confused, sometimes focused, and sometimes just lost.

 

Now, it might be my fault that I haven’t been so focused since ever, but now what! I am another year old today and yet nowhere near where I can vouch and say that I am trying to do something. Don’t tell me I am not old. Yeah, yeah, I know I am not old. But I am not 20 and only out of school. I have been told repeatedly that I don’t look my age, while that may be so good to hear, but the reality is everyone else my age now knows what they are meant to do while I am still unsure of what and how exactly am I suppose to be doing anything.

 

I suck! I know I am so wrong in comparing myself to others, but I can’t help it. I mean there has to be something in my life, which for once, does not; cannot; must not go wrong. I mean for once it can happen right! I am not afraid of failures, I am not. Only, I am afraid that time is running out and I literally have no idea where to go from here. And as these thoughts run through my mind, I am handed over a copy of my lame future. The woman smiles at me. May be next time? Yeah, I say and run.

 

I run to my scooty and rush it. For the first time it starts at one go and I speed through. I calm down. And stop racing like the maniacs who are following me. Not again! What do these guys actually have in their minds? Do they have so much time and money to simply run around the city and follow some deranged woman!

 

I am just not in the mood to take this shit; I just am not! I speed through the busy streets and mix but they are right behind me in no time. I change lanes and rush towards the only place I know. The police station. I am not going to go there literally. But I know they are going to stop following me because they aren’t wearing the helmet, and there has to be a checking post on that lane.

 

They leave!

 

I leave!

 

I am irritated. But since I am already around the place, I think I might drive through that place. It’s a calm place. Trees, sun, after rain winds. I haven’t visited this place in a long time, a very long time. And the whiff of the place brings nostalgia. This place is good. Why did I stop coming here again? I used to visit this place so often, almost every time I came to this part of the city. What happened again?

 

Anyways, I am speeding through. I am slowing down. The roads are dead empty. There is literally no one. The sun is peeking through the trees. The flowers are thrown about. It is good. There is a little calm. The chaos inside my mind isn’t cured, but its soothed for a while.

 

There is a lump in my throat as I am steering around. But I have to go. I mean I do wish I’d stay here and keep staring at sun till I can, I wish I didn’t have things to worry about. But the sun is leaving too, and I know I have to go. So I go.

 

And as soon as I leave the trees, the city overpowers me, all those people who cross roads as if they don’t care for their lives, all those bike riders who think that riding a Royal Enfield gives them power to zigzag and trouble others, the other drivers who ride a long lost bike flaunt themselves too and get on my nerves. All the thoughts, all the problems, every little detail since the last year come racing towards me. It’s been a little difficult. I can’t say it’s too much. But I’d rather it be a little easy. Despite everything I was hoping 2019 to be a teeny bit better. So far, no luck!

 

As I ponder over my luck, my phone beeps. It buzzes. I avoid. It vibrates. I still avoid. I avoid it for full 5 minutes and then I pick up. It’s a friend. A good friend. I can’t, just can’t avoid him. But I already talked to him in the morning. Wait; did I say something in the groggy, sleepy state that I shouldn’t have said? But just the first words are a deceit. It’s his roommate. He knows me too. I mean he is the friend that you bear with because of the other friends that you hang out. We don’t talk these days. We didn’t even talk when we lived in the same city. But here he is calling me from my friends’ number, and I have picked up and stopped speaking after hello.

 

“Why didn’t you call me from your number?”

 

“Just..”

 

I know the answer. I mean the last two calls that he has made me this year was because he wanted a favor out of me. Not that I am keeping a tab. You’d see how hypocritical this sounds. But I only remember the number of calls he has made me, is because, that are the total number of calls he has made to my number in his entire life.

 

So what does he want now?

 

“Yeah, so listen, who this Hamlet was, and can you elaborate what this means?”

 

‘I am driving. Can we talk later?”

 

“Umm, actually I am going to an acting class you know, and wanted to know this before that. And you see everyone knows me there, (he is a novice anchor) it’s a matter of image now.”

 

Dead silence!

 

I really don’t want to discuss the idea of being or not being, standing in the middle of the road. In simpler words I am in no mood of helping. But I feel disgusted at myself. And so I bring myself to a halt at the corner, where a few vehicles are parked and begin the task of explaining Hamlet and his dilemma to a man, who, by the end asked me “wow you know what a protagonist is.” (I thought only people who went to acting classes were taught who a protagonist is.)

 

“What did you think I was some dumb person?” (Who cannot make anything of their lives)

 

“No, No, I didn’t mean that.” He wants to know about a Gertrude speech too. Well, Macbeth? Can you tell me about any other plays?”

 

“Look, I am not at home right now, we can talk later. Sorry. Bye.”

 

I want to go back for a last look at sun peeking through, but he has gone. The moon has started shimmering, and the after office traffic is peeking up. I go towards home.

 

As I enter home, there is some heated discussion going on. See, my results aren’t the only problem these days. It all started since 2018, and it has been all stretched through. It needs to give me a breather now. It really does. Anyways, as everyone says that we need to stick up to everything that life throws at us- like I have a choice; I stick up. Meaning, I go to my room.

 

The only thing that’s bringing me to be wiser is kept on my desk. I smile, or at least pretend to. The books are winking at me. Another set of savior, while I constantly avoid reality!

 

Now, seriously the books are making me wiser or should I start naming my birthday posts- “A year older, a year dumber!”

A Weekday Musings!

You don’t like mornings, especially early mornings and then you have to wake up one fine weekday as early as 4:00 and your groggy-self hates everything. You drag yourself off the bed, get dressed and open your eyes only to the whiff of coffee. 1 sip and you are okay, 2ndsip and you think you’ll bare the longest day, 3rdsip and you know you have no other choice. So you breathe the longest breath of the day and paste an unsolicited smile, only to realize it’s already 5:15 and you need to rush so as to not to miss the train. Moushmi, RUN!

 

The next 4 hours are going to be arduous, with sitting in a chair car, next to your family, when they will be gossiping about this and that, and your brother will be dozing off, when the vendors will move past you in the aisle, making you wonder why exactly do you chose the aisle seat, when your thoughts will run fast, faster than the train is supposed to be moving. So much for a super-fast express train!

 

And so, to save yourself from your own thoughts you turn to your over-emphasized sling bag and take out the book that you are reading, not giving heed to the glares of other people around you. As it happens the book that you are reading diverts more than your thoughts. Your thoughts have a chain, Ishmael, the protagonist is even sooner to drop the chain and ramble on and on! After a while you are bored and you have the urgent need to drop the book, drop his ramblings, drop your thoughts and just turn off.

 

Turn off you do, and the next time you turn to your wristwatch, it is 10:25. You should have reached by now, technically. But your train is late and now you are fidgety. You have been sitting in the same position for four hours and you are tired, simply from sitting. You want to get up, move, walk, run- away from everything, because you know just how the day is going to go. In a swift, yes, but that swift is going to disrupt your peace of mind even further. You are already clinging on to loose threads of peace now; the threads are just going to get looser.

 

10:50 and you are crawling through the station. As you get down, the swarm of people wanting to get their butt off that sinking train blasts past you and you just mingle with them, towards a taxi booth. You reach the longest line that you have seen and then you switch to the post paid taxi booth where the crowd is thinner. You reach to end of the line, only to realize that the people standing in front of you are familiar. The bell rings at the back of your mind, and you know they are your friends!

 

They are your friends from way back, you have known them since ages, they were, sorry, are important. You want to approach them, but you are already blank, you know what are they going to ask you, what will they want to know about you, you know that you are supposed to make a move, talk to them, you want to do that too, but then you just don’t have the energy to do that. It is 11 in the morning and you don’t have the energy? What the hell are you talking about? They are the friends with whom you used to hang out almost everyday. What happened? What just happened? They see you, they are smiling, they are waving and that unsolicited smile is already back on your face and you are returning their ‘Hi’. But that is it; there is nothing more. You want to say so much more, you want to, but as I said there is no energy left. You just smile once more, thank that the taxi that you have been waiting for has arrived and just jump into it. You stink Moushmi!

 

What happened! Really what just happened! Why have you been transforming into this lame person? Why, exactly are you losing your cheery self. Life is good! There are people who have real suffering and they are still battling the war, what the hell is wrong with you! Why exactly you are losing the luster? Why the distant approach to everything? Sure, people get busy, it’s not their fault, life happens. Yeah, that’s the point life happens! You have lost the luster for life; you have lost the luster to live! Or did life lose you?

 

The taxi moves on, and your empty stomach grumbles from within and you just don’t care. You have reached your home; at least you are supposed to be calling this home too. It’s a relative’s place, actually. Anyways, you have reached home and you haven’t even opened your shoes yet, when that tiniest little kid, whom you have not met in ages rushes at you, literally stumbles upon your legs, jumps on you and demands to be taken up in your arms. Well, what choice do you have? You pick him up, and without any exchange of words, that angel of a person plants a chaste, barely audible kiss on your cheek! What else do you need? Like a fool you melt, and think to yourself, “What is wrong with you, you don’t even drool over kids so much!”

 

Okay, its over and you hide the lump in your throat, the family members come across at you like a swarm of bees, and you want to avoid each one of them, but you know you can’t so you brace yourself with phony smiles and words of love that you don’t know were where, when you needed them in front of your friends!

 

The day goes on! The festivities and laughter and food stretch all day long. There is only one person whom you can barely talk honestly too, or as far honest as you can get. Honest is a weighty word here, let’s go with real! So you sit down and talk your tired hearts out to each other, all the while knowing so much is still unsaid behind those fake laughing eyes. But you don’t press in the fear of being pressed too. You tag along. She is so young and so dead, you think, but not so dead too. That kid, you remember? She is her mother! She is younger than me, well only six months, but she is married and she has this kid and she says she is happy. You know you wouldn’t want that kind of a life for yourself, yet as you see her “fulfilling the duties” of a daughter-in-law you get a tinge of jealousy in yourself. Actually, it comes rushing when that kid does something but all the same you are jealous and it is exchanged with guilt then and you want to run away!

 

Run away, you do! You have a reason to get something from the nearest store, and you run as fast as you can, your shoes digging in your heels. But you let that happen anyway. The next day there are going to be three sores there, but you will think about that later!

 

It is then, that you realize that you have literally lost your mind getting jealous at nothing, at someone’s life you don’t even like!

 

You can’t roam about the entire day when there are people relying on you for something, in this case that ‘thing’ you went to buy. Oh, you forgot that thing in running and head back again, buy it and stroll home! It’s teatime and you are looking at the clock, ticking one second at a time, waiting for 7 so that you can go back to that dreaded train and return to the actual home. The tea, the talks, the people, nothing helps in peace, not the things that they keep discussing about, not how they consider it and not even that they are doing it in front of me. You tag along, smiling from time to time.

 

Languidly, taking its own time the clock strikes 6:50 and it takes more than 10 minutes to finally say our goodbyes and then there is no taxi downstairs. Neither is an Ola/Uber around. After a while one of them finally shows respite and a taxi comes after another 10 minutes. We are losing time but the driver isn’t. He refuses to converse in Hindi or English, all the while talking in his mother tongue. You can tell he can understand both the languages pretty well, but he just doesn’t want to make it easier for you. Then he tells you that you have put the wrong destination and so he’ll drop you a good 10 minutes walk from the railway station. Everyone is too tired to argue, but you just can’t go with anymore wrong. So you tell him that if the destination was wrong then why is the GPS still telling him to head east and continue for 1km to reach the said destination. He grunts but he heads on! You pay him in cash and he bluntly tells you in his mother tongue that he won’t give a single rupee change. You are done with wrong for the day; you are tired and done. You take the money back and waste another 5 minutes fumbling in everyone’s pockets for change and pay him the exact amount. You don’t care if it looks meager but you don’t pay him a single rupee more!

 

You walk to the platform, as expected the train is late and you sit on deserted seat, munching on a sandwich which is supposed to be your dinner. It’s not the best but it will have to do!

 

All your seats are middle or top berth in a three-tier compartment. This is no more a chair car. But you need to be awake. You know you are too tired too lie down. You know you will sleep. You can’t rely on alarm clocks!

 

As the clock ticks 9 everyone in your compartment wants to sleep. You wonder why people, who usually sleep at 1 or 2 at their homes, surfing on their phones, go off to sleep early in trains. But they want to sleep and they have their seats. And no, they won’t exchange for four hours too. So, everyone sleeps. You climb to the top bunk, cuddle with your phone and think how are you going to be awake for the next few hours in the dark. Your phone battery is at 30!

 

Okay, that is not bad. 30 can keep me alive and make me reach home! You open soundcloud and gaana, but your Internet is down. You think of dozing off too, with an alarm of course. But that seems a risk too much. The train is going to keep moving and you might end up reaching Mumbai! However, tempting that may sound you just don’t want to prolong your stay away from home. And you stay awake!

 

At 10:11 you jerk awake! Thank god!!

Okay, you need to do something. With the Internet down, and no lights, music and your book is out of the question. You think of opening the kindle app but you are too sleepy to read. Call someone!

 

Really? You’ll have to call someone? Why bother them?

 

At 10:35 your neck bumps against your phone, you call the only friend you can turn up to ANYTIME!

 

He picks up after the 3rdring, and you talk and sure, you are awake as soon as your city is approaching! You wake everyone up with knowing smiles, thinking what were they thinking sleeping so peacefully? Who was going to wake them up? You don’t tell them this, but you gather your things and get moving. You breathe in the familiar air, and pass the second longest breath of the day!

 

Peace? You don’t know but better than what you had all through that day. The car is being fetched in the parking area and the guilt, the emptiness, the jealousy all comes crawling back. This time it is not with anyone. It is just there. You are not thinking about anyone, but you know, you just know that you don’t have it altogether!

 

While you are waiting for the car, you see a man, a well-groomed man who is walking towards his own vehicle, but is definitely out of his minds. He is rude to his family, is ill mannered in his ways of talking, and is screaming in the night at someone for parking a bike in front of his car. Well, he doesn’t even leave the coolie and haggles with him till his demands are met. While his driver moves their car, he is callously touching himself, with the other hand itching at his man-breasts. And you say to yourself that you sure have it together better than him!

 

You let the days troubles go, and you make fun of that man telling your blogger friends how a middle-aged man kept touching himself in public, and how much of a turn off that was for you!

11:11 Dilemma Prevails!

A few days ago I was incessantly ranting about 11:11, what it is, whether to believe in it or not and so on. But now I have many other reasons to worry. A while ago, only 11:11 bothered me with its repeated appearing but now there are a whole set of numbers bothering me.

 

As a matter of fact I still don’t know if I should believe in the 11:11 thing or not, for nothing predominant has happened so far, or should I say nothing predominant in a good way has happened so far, but now I have another question. What do these numbers mean? So, if 11:11 means something then do 10:28 mean anything? Or 00:00 hold any significance in the numerology department? Wait there are more numbers haunting me- 08:08, 09:05, 10:28, 12:25, 13:13, 15:18, 17:18, 18:18, 19:19, 20:28, 21:28, 22:22, 23:28.

 

Now, don’t ask me how do I remember these weird series. I just do because they have literally started haunting me. Every time I pick up my phone one or the other above mentioned numbers are staring right at me. I know its paranoia now, a random obsession over numbers. But four set of numbers are disturbingly haunting. Not, that I so far have reasons to believe that something good is going to happen, but now I really need to take charge of something worse happening. For, when it comes to ill omens I think I should start believing in them.  Good signs don’t work on me, I juts have that luck, but omens do!

 

So right, what the hell is wrong with 11:11, 00:00, 19:19, and 18:18!!

 

I am pretty sure that I have a disturbingly accurate schedule that makes me look at my phone at the precise time every day, or that I just happen to check for time at such timings that I stumble upon these numbers. But anyways, just had to get it out! See you at 11:11

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Toodles….

More on 11:11 dilemma here: 11:11

सूरज से गुफ्तगू #2

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आज फिर छुप गया था वो मुझसे
न जाने कम्बखत कितनी कहानिया छुपा रहा था मुझसे.

कुछ और शिकायते सूरज से : सूरज से गुफ्तगू #1