Category Archives: It’s how life is!

“They”

 

They say

I didn’t fight enough

They don’t know

How my body aches

How my body has

Lost the feeling to

Feel the pain.

 

They say

I didn’t raise my voice enough

They don’t know

How my throat itches

How my voice has

Completely lost the feeling to

Feel the voice.

 

They say

I did not repulse

I did not revolt

They say the fault

Is mine.

 

I can’t blame anyone

They say

That I was wrong

And they were right

They were strong

And I was weak.

 

They say

My demeanor should be composed

My anger should be subsumed

They say

It is not a big thing

It is just a passing fling.

 

They say

I am the devil

I am my own fall

They say

I am the ill

I am the cause.

 

They say

I didn’t fight enough

They say

I didn’t raise my voice enough

They don’t know

My lungs gave way

Screaming into void

They don’t know

That my armor

Rests in peace

Fighting for my life.

Yet they say

I didn’t revolt

Yet they say

I was wrong and they

Were strong

They don’t know

That my blood

Distanced itself from my heart

They don’t know

That my soul embittered

On my body.

 

These “they”

Who are they?

Who are they

To make me the evil

Who are they

To judge me

For being the devil?

 

They don’t know me

Let alone my soul

They can’t judge me

Unless they can tell me

That they have fought

More than me

That they have

Screamed

Longer than me.

 

They don’t know me

They don’t know my battle

And yet,

“They” say….

 

*

I still refrain to even believe in my rarest imaginations that I am anywhere near being a poet, despite all your comments on my previous posts. So, again I call this a vain attempt to try and write in as limited words as possible, and to express as far and as truthfully I can.

Fallen To This New Level!

 

I have fallen to this new stature

Cause, I have sat and done

Absolutely nothing despite being all alone.

 

I sat and stared

Stared at the dark wall,

Giving away ramifications of my past.

 

I sat; sat and stared at

I don’t know what,

Giving away only darkness.

 

I looked on at the wall

Thinking and rethinking

About I don’t even know what.

 

I have fallen to a new level

Cause I didn’t even realize

When the time ticked by

And it was no more the day,

I started thinking on.

 

I have fallen to this new level

Where I don’t even understand anything,

Where I have stopped feeling some things.

 

I sit and stare and think

Trying hard, very hard,

to only cry a very bit.

 

But I fathom,

I have fallen to a very new level

Where even crying seems to have

Gone away with a new fling

Drying my soul, not letting it brim.

 

I have fallen to this new depth this time

Cause I don’t even realize where I am.

Or how to climb up,

Or swim away.

Cause this time I don’t even reckon myself.

Cause this time, I don’t feel anything.

I sit and stare and think and the time keeps ticking

Trying to realize what I am even thinking,

But all I gather is I am at a new depth,

And now it is difficult to even keep climbing.

Difficult to even keep swimming.

 

I have fallen

And I keep falling,

I have drowned,

And I keep drowning.

I find a new level of

Nothingness,

Meaninglessness.

And I question myself

Where am I?

 

*

Never been good with poems, never been a poet. This is just a vain attempt as always, and as all my previous attempts to try and write in as limited words as possible, and to express as far and as truthfully I can.

The Next Morning!

I was glaring at the TV in the dark, my vision unclear, blurred, I hardly knew what channel was switched on and I couldn’t possibly care less. I kept it on, on bearable volume only to feel myself accompanied.

 

I was slouched beside my study table, beside which the balcony door stood ajar, supported by the wall behind. There was the novel kept in front of me, that I was reading but I hardly remembered what was it about. All I could see were the tree leaves wavering outside, and all I could think of was, … wait, I could hardly think straight. No I could think of nothing, simply nothing.

 

I shifted in my seat, making myself more uncomfortable, instead of providing a little comfort. My leg was twisted and I could feel the slightest of pain then. But I did not twitch. I enjoyed the pain for a while, then when I was comfortable again, I simply did it again, bring the pain back, just for the sake of doing it, this time with my hands, and my fingers. My finger nails, digging down in my palms, and yet I could feel nothing; nope, not in a slightest. I guess all the drinks were playing their game then, making me numb. I smiled, and why? I had no idea about that.

 

My phone started buzzing, vibrating, and it was irritating me, the noise, the feeling. I fumbled to take it out of my pocket and cancelled the call. It was my friend. I knew what she would say, “You can talk to me” and I also knew that if I “talked” she would put on her earphones and all the while keep texting or playing some game and in the end she would very easily divert the topic, make it all about herself, and cut the call. I didn’t need that then!! No!!

 

It started vibrating again. My head was so full, it ached so much that I gripped my hair into my hands trying to just tear the pain apart. I just increased my pain. Furiously, I picked up the phone, mumbled something, which I really did not give a thought on and cut the call.

 

I sat there till late in the night. I don’t remember the time; I don’t even remember what exactly I was doing till then, what was I thinking about. All I remember is slowly walking or rather dragging myself towards my bed, and falling off to a deep sleep with the TV turned on.

 

And so I woke up the next morning with the same things I had gone to sleep with, a numbing pain, a throbbing head, and a dizzy mind, and yeah, not to forget the TV turned on.

I Cannot Breathe.

 

Open the door

Open the windows.

Let the thinnest air in,

For I cannot breathe in.

 

Let me feel the breeze

Let me cherish the wind.

Allow me to swallow the air,

For I cannot breathe in.

 

Unclasp your fingers from

Around my neck.

Loosen your hold

From around my hips,

For I cannot breathe in.

 

It is raining outside.

The clouds passing by

The lightening that just went by.

I can see the shower

Trickling down the trees.

The mud dancing down the roads.

The strong winds

Blowing away the leaves.

And yet, I cannot breathe in.

Changes.

Nothing is permanent, except change.

 

Change is the only constant.

 

Things change in life.

 

People come and go.

 

These simple words refuse to sit within my irate mind and destroy its peace. Is it so difficult to grasp these simple facts and live with it?

 

Yes, I know I am being unreasonable, I am and I can’t help it. And you know what, I want to be. For a little while I want to be this super childish person who is for once, just for a little while allowed to make all unnecessary and unreasonable demands. I don’t expect them to get fulfilled, I know they can’t, I juts want them to be there, for a while be the not so mature person.

 

I know things have to change, for good or for worse, I know these people have to go, whether I like it or not, but just for once I want to sit back and whine a little. Because however hard I pretend and try to feel that all of it doesn’t matter, in reality it does. Yes, it does matter.

 

There, I said it. It all matters, it all hurts, and I don’t like it.

 

Having said that, I also understand that I can’t control everything, neither do I want to. I also realize that I will very soon learn to have these changes in my life. I understand that I will accept these changes whole-heartedly, and very soon these things wouldn’t even matter. But until then I want to sit back, lie down, and just for once admit these feelings to myself. For once I want to let myself cry and laugh and do whatever I wish to. I will move on, I just want a little more time to adjust to this change.

 

 

The officer in Power.

They say that you should follow the system, the system is definitely right. But who may I ask makes this system? Who follows the system? Who executes this ‘system’? Are all the people in the system following the system? Can any one answer that, truthfully?

 

I don’t think so. I don’t believe that anyone can tell me the correct answer, or I don’t believe that the answer to all of the above questions can be answered positively.

 

I will tell you which system I am talking about. I am talking about the government officials, about the government methods of doing the things; of the system we are supposed to follow implied by the government. I don’t usually interfere in these matters, I like to stay clear, nor do I like to have my opinions about such issues because I know I don’t understand everything related to it, and that I may be wrong. But today I am furious and raging with a very small incident, which has some how decided to not leave my nerves.

 

I was at a government office today, trying to understand the process, which needed to be done in person, and by the end of the day all I could hear was, “Take another appointment and come gain.”

 

Well, this is not the very first time I have been postponed so I will share some of my experiences here when it comes to such official issues.

 

Most often than not, you are called for at a very punctual time, which in any case you must not miss. So you reach the place before or on time since you don’t want to mess up, and as soon as you reach you think everything is so systemized that you will be done in no time. But as time ticks by you see absolutely nothing happening around, except for the time ticking and you getting restless. Then slowly you reach the lunch hour, and realize that the person being called before you has still been waiting, so you do the math and think of how to kill time without using mobile phones. Finally the time comes when your name is being announced, and honest to God sometimes I have felt that I have been called in for some hearing in a court. But then you are to wait in a second waiting room, where you find the person who came before you. Another few minutes, may be an hour, and then finally you are next, but oh alas! You forgot the tea break!! You hear another laughter and a little bit of gossip, trying to find out what exactly they are talking about, what is so important and serious, that is keeping them for more than 30 minutes for tea. But you hear nothing.

 

Then finally, you go inside in front of the official, all nervous in my case, because these things never go right with me in a go. You just don’t understand why. So you see a lethargic old guy in front of you sitting and sipping that tea. Wasn’t the tea break over? Anyway, you shove your files in his way, and then he pretends to be occupied with something else. Then what seems like an eternity to you, he gets free from whatever he was doing and takes up your files, and examines them as if he was looking into a crime report.

 

Hmmm….

 

What?

What’s wrong?

 

But he will not say anything; he smiles instead. So everything all right, you guess? He seems to be in a good mood, so you just try your luck and ask very, very politely what all the delay was about? Why the 11:30 appointment had to be kept waiting till 4:30 to which he replies very callously, “Oh, we have a lot of work around here. It just got delayed.” You smile so, so politely that your jaws hurt when you do it. You try to understand exactly how busy he must have been, (Drinking tea for 30 minutes?) Anyway, of course you are polite your work isn’t done yet, when suddenly he finds a mistake in some of your papers, and he says this is wrong and that you need to rectify it. And suddenly he is absolutely rude and all business as if what he was going through was after all really a crime report. Your time is up suddenly, you realize as he calls for someone else, but you are not even answered. By now you have lost the entire day’s patience, and are bold enough to ask how to rectify it, since you don’t know all the rules about it. He simply avoids you. You are right there, but you could not be right there too. The other person is in a flux as to talk or not, but he goes on anyway, and suddenly the very professional official realizes that there is a flaw in his file too. “How to rectify it?”

 

A blank face looks up at the two of you, asking you to leave. You both do not move, and seem to wait for the answer. Of course you cannot talk up to him, remember, your work isn’t done yet? And the ego these days are most certainly taller than the person’s height. And so you cannot even talk with him now, with the fear that sooner or later you will have to come back here, to get your work done, and then he will make sure to keep you waiting more, or worse to not do your work, basically to make your life worse. After all he can do it, he has the power, at least you think so then.

 

So, back to waiting for the answer. The flaw can be rectified with only words that your stupid, stupid brain don’t get and then since you know that you cannot simply take any of this shit longer, you decide to leave. Just when you show your back to him, you hear the third person’s voice asking the same question politely again, to which there is a fuming answer from the person at power. You turn back; to see a scene as if you are in a school, the principal expelling a student and realize the situation isn’t any different. It could be a funny situation, but since even you are facing the same thing, it isn’t anymore. You feel humiliated. It is only natural that not every person knows everything, and it is his job to tell you what is wrong. Even if it isn’t his job, there is no power bestowed on him to shout at you or disrespect you. Yes, he has power, but he cannot simply degrade you. He would not want to answer, so he should not, but how in the world is he allowed to do that?

 

Yes, it is a monotonous job, sometimes people get irritated, and sometimes the people that come to that officer are those who don’t understand things easily. Some are illiterate, and have no idea what to do, but they are there, trying. You understand that the job requires the same work 8 hours a day 5 days a week, all year long. But remember whether you chose it or not, it is your job, and whatever the circumstances, you have no right demeaning the other person. Had someone from any other business or sphere behaved this was, there could have been a solution. There are people who listen to the customers and their grievances, probably leading to the person in power being fired. But since this is a special case, you know anything you do isn’t going to work. Here, even you have to be a loyal and honest citizen, and in most cases you are not. There is no possible way to avoid dealing with him. You will have to do it, whether you like it or not. So you breathe in and leave the room, for now!!

 

Peeping back you find the officer in power glorify in his days work, and signing off for the day. You stand and wonder what you have done with your day? Nothing, except realizing that that the officer in power is always right.

 

By the time you leave, you don’t even care if the work is done or not, you are simply too tired, from dong nothing and waiting. You suddenly realize that you haven’t had anything to eat since morning and wonder if you should go home, or go out eat, or put in the effort to rectify “the mistake”.

 

You hear someone say that he was just doing his job, he has to make sure that nothing is filed wrong, and that the security is more important, no mistake should happen with the paperwork. Of course no mistake should happen otherwise the whole economy would come crumbling down, otherwise so many crimes could be committed, and as it happens every one is so specific and responsible in their work that we have no such issues ever.

 

But you just don’t care now, and go home and ramble this in your blog, and may be even disrespect someone who might be into government offices and who might be reading this. Again, not everyone is the same, and I might not mean this to you, but yes, I have the right to say I am yet to find a day, and a person who would not take too much pride in his authority and that my work has ever been done so much as a little smoothly.

 

I am sorry if I have crossed a line here. I may not have faced this entirely today, but yes this is more or less the truth that I always come across.

 

Yes, we have to follow the system, but does the system follow the system? I don’t think just getting frustrated with your job or losing it when someone is trying to understand what you are saying is completely following the system. And not to forget the unending wait, today, tomorrow and I don’t know how long. Yes, I agree it is always important when it comes to the work of government, but do we as citizens not have anything else to do? I mean yes, the officer in the power has important work to do, but don’t we? Probably not as important as his, but I can safely say that I have never kept my customer or client waiting all day long, not because I fear getting fired, but because I value time, theirs and ours. I have never shouted or been arrogant to one of my clients, not because I am scared of losing my job, but because I think it is unethical and immoral.

 

I may not know much, but I am absolutely certain that unless and until we learn to value time (everyone’s), and learn a little morality (The irony, this being said in a country known for its culture and morals), we will never ever change!

“Your Eyes Speak, Darling!”

It is often advised not to build a business with a friend or a relative, because one of them will never flourish. And the ever adamant person that I am, I will go and definitely do that.

A few years ago I met this person, who initially was abhorred by me but when I got to know him, I realised I was so wrong, completely wrong. And that’s how our friendship began. I had stopped expecting anything out of any relationship by then and so this began as a general acquaintance for me which inadvertently took to a really good friendship. I still didn’t expect anything out of it. When I say ‘expect’ all I mean is that I didn’t expect him to do anything for me, I didn’t expect him to really bother for me or I had no intention in worrying him. I am short of words here.. do you get it? What I am trying to say.

Anyways, so we became good friends and really good friends for that matter where there is no scope of any kind of romantic relationship from both the sides (thankfully). And then after a while we started working together.

I got to know him even better.

Since this is a work-friend relationship we make sure we decide primarily when we are talking as friends, and when as co-workers. But of course many a times we divert ways and so far it has never been ugly.

Today, I met this person after a few days and we were discussing work over a cup of coffee. We were almost done, when I caught him staring at me, more so like glaring at me. My mind went blank, why was he not focused at what I was saying. And I had to snap at him to bring him out of his reverie.

We simply discussed work and as soon as we got finished with it, he blurted out, “Why don’t you go out somewhere? You are truly disturbed and in an objectionable amount of pain.”

I was flummoxed. I almost stammered which is really unlike me and then decided to keep shut, pretending to drink my coffee.

“You go on a leave; you are stressed and really burdened with work, a break would help you.”

We weren’t even discussing anything personal. We were discussing work for God’s sake. How would he know anything about my life right now? I gulped another sip of coffee and stared blankly at him.

“You deserve it,” With that I knew he wouldn’t say anything further.

I knew I had to say something, I couldn’t let him waver. He is my friend too and I owed him an answer. But what?

My hands are wrapped in a fist, and he smiles. Fuck! He does know me well.

I let go of my hands and say “But how would you know any of that?” trying to sound confident and challenging.

Who was I kidding?

“Your eyes speak, darling.”

And just that way, my eyes grew bigger and I gulped down air as fast as I could. He knows me from my eyes? How? Really? Is that possible?

He didn’t ask me anything further; he knew I would never say. I never do. I just shut myself down from emotions. And he left me with that thought.

We finished our coffee, and I diverted him with my tactics, I bombarded him with my questions about him, and made it all about him and I won! We were soon into his problems and how he was dealing with them. We left soon.

He dropped me home as a friend, reminding me to make some work calls as a co-worker. But my mind kept wondering. I didn’t ‘expect’ anything from him. And yet he proved to be really a good friend. Well, more than a good friend.

You just don’t lose these kind of people, whoever they are, and whatever kind of relationship you have with them, you just don’t. They are too special to lose.