Category Archives: It’s how life is!

The officer in Power.

They say that you should follow the system, the system is definitely right. But who may I ask makes this system? Who follows the system? Who executes this ‘system’? Are all the people in the system following the system? Can any one answer that, truthfully?

 

I don’t think so. I don’t believe that anyone can tell me the correct answer, or I don’t believe that the answer to all of the above questions can be answered positively.

 

I will tell you which system I am talking about. I am talking about the government officials, about the government methods of doing the things; of the system we are supposed to follow implied by the government. I don’t usually interfere in these matters, I like to stay clear, nor do I like to have my opinions about such issues because I know I don’t understand everything related to it, and that I may be wrong. But today I am furious and raging with a very small incident, which has some how decided to not leave my nerves.

 

I was at a government office today, trying to understand the process, which needed to be done in person, and by the end of the day all I could hear was, “Take another appointment and come gain.”

 

Well, this is not the very first time I have been postponed so I will share some of my experiences here when it comes to such official issues.

 

Most often than not, you are called for at a very punctual time, which in any case you must not miss. So you reach the place before or on time since you don’t want to mess up, and as soon as you reach you think everything is so systemized that you will be done in no time. But as time ticks by you see absolutely nothing happening around, except for the time ticking and you getting restless. Then slowly you reach the lunch hour, and realize that the person being called before you has still been waiting, so you do the math and think of how to kill time without using mobile phones. Finally the time comes when your name is being announced, and honest to God sometimes I have felt that I have been called in for some hearing in a court. But then you are to wait in a second waiting room, where you find the person who came before you. Another few minutes, may be an hour, and then finally you are next, but oh alas! You forgot the tea break!! You hear another laughter and a little bit of gossip, trying to find out what exactly they are talking about, what is so important and serious, that is keeping them for more than 30 minutes for tea. But you hear nothing.

 

Then finally, you go inside in front of the official, all nervous in my case, because these things never go right with me in a go. You just don’t understand why. So you see a lethargic old guy in front of you sitting and sipping that tea. Wasn’t the tea break over? Anyway, you shove your files in his way, and then he pretends to be occupied with something else. Then what seems like an eternity to you, he gets free from whatever he was doing and takes up your files, and examines them as if he was looking into a crime report.

 

Hmmm….

 

What?

What’s wrong?

 

But he will not say anything; he smiles instead. So everything all right, you guess? He seems to be in a good mood, so you just try your luck and ask very, very politely what all the delay was about? Why the 11:30 appointment had to be kept waiting till 4:30 to which he replies very callously, “Oh, we have a lot of work around here. It just got delayed.” You smile so, so politely that your jaws hurt when you do it. You try to understand exactly how busy he must have been, (Drinking tea for 30 minutes?) Anyway, of course you are polite your work isn’t done yet, when suddenly he finds a mistake in some of your papers, and he says this is wrong and that you need to rectify it. And suddenly he is absolutely rude and all business as if what he was going through was after all really a crime report. Your time is up suddenly, you realize as he calls for someone else, but you are not even answered. By now you have lost the entire day’s patience, and are bold enough to ask how to rectify it, since you don’t know all the rules about it. He simply avoids you. You are right there, but you could not be right there too. The other person is in a flux as to talk or not, but he goes on anyway, and suddenly the very professional official realizes that there is a flaw in his file too. “How to rectify it?”

 

A blank face looks up at the two of you, asking you to leave. You both do not move, and seem to wait for the answer. Of course you cannot talk up to him, remember, your work isn’t done yet? And the ego these days are most certainly taller than the person’s height. And so you cannot even talk with him now, with the fear that sooner or later you will have to come back here, to get your work done, and then he will make sure to keep you waiting more, or worse to not do your work, basically to make your life worse. After all he can do it, he has the power, at least you think so then.

 

So, back to waiting for the answer. The flaw can be rectified with only words that your stupid, stupid brain don’t get and then since you know that you cannot simply take any of this shit longer, you decide to leave. Just when you show your back to him, you hear the third person’s voice asking the same question politely again, to which there is a fuming answer from the person at power. You turn back; to see a scene as if you are in a school, the principal expelling a student and realize the situation isn’t any different. It could be a funny situation, but since even you are facing the same thing, it isn’t anymore. You feel humiliated. It is only natural that not every person knows everything, and it is his job to tell you what is wrong. Even if it isn’t his job, there is no power bestowed on him to shout at you or disrespect you. Yes, he has power, but he cannot simply degrade you. He would not want to answer, so he should not, but how in the world is he allowed to do that?

 

Yes, it is a monotonous job, sometimes people get irritated, and sometimes the people that come to that officer are those who don’t understand things easily. Some are illiterate, and have no idea what to do, but they are there, trying. You understand that the job requires the same work 8 hours a day 5 days a week, all year long. But remember whether you chose it or not, it is your job, and whatever the circumstances, you have no right demeaning the other person. Had someone from any other business or sphere behaved this was, there could have been a solution. There are people who listen to the customers and their grievances, probably leading to the person in power being fired. But since this is a special case, you know anything you do isn’t going to work. Here, even you have to be a loyal and honest citizen, and in most cases you are not. There is no possible way to avoid dealing with him. You will have to do it, whether you like it or not. So you breathe in and leave the room, for now!!

 

Peeping back you find the officer in power glorify in his days work, and signing off for the day. You stand and wonder what you have done with your day? Nothing, except realizing that that the officer in power is always right.

 

By the time you leave, you don’t even care if the work is done or not, you are simply too tired, from dong nothing and waiting. You suddenly realize that you haven’t had anything to eat since morning and wonder if you should go home, or go out eat, or put in the effort to rectify “the mistake”.

 

You hear someone say that he was just doing his job, he has to make sure that nothing is filed wrong, and that the security is more important, no mistake should happen with the paperwork. Of course no mistake should happen otherwise the whole economy would come crumbling down, otherwise so many crimes could be committed, and as it happens every one is so specific and responsible in their work that we have no such issues ever.

 

But you just don’t care now, and go home and ramble this in your blog, and may be even disrespect someone who might be into government offices and who might be reading this. Again, not everyone is the same, and I might not mean this to you, but yes, I have the right to say I am yet to find a day, and a person who would not take too much pride in his authority and that my work has ever been done so much as a little smoothly.

 

I am sorry if I have crossed a line here. I may not have faced this entirely today, but yes this is more or less the truth that I always come across.

 

Yes, we have to follow the system, but does the system follow the system? I don’t think just getting frustrated with your job or losing it when someone is trying to understand what you are saying is completely following the system. And not to forget the unending wait, today, tomorrow and I don’t know how long. Yes, I agree it is always important when it comes to the work of government, but do we as citizens not have anything else to do? I mean yes, the officer in the power has important work to do, but don’t we? Probably not as important as his, but I can safely say that I have never kept my customer or client waiting all day long, not because I fear getting fired, but because I value time, theirs and ours. I have never shouted or been arrogant to one of my clients, not because I am scared of losing my job, but because I think it is unethical and immoral.

 

I may not know much, but I am absolutely certain that unless and until we learn to value time (everyone’s), and learn a little morality (The irony, this being said in a country known for its culture and morals), we will never ever change!

“Your Eyes Speak, Darling!”

It is often advised not to build a business with a friend or a relative, because one of them will never flourish. And the ever adamant person that I am, I will go and definitely do that.

A few years ago I met this person, who initially was abhorred by me but when I got to know him, I realised I was so wrong, completely wrong. And that’s how our friendship began. I had stopped expecting anything out of any relationship by then and so this began as a general acquaintance for me which inadvertently took to a really good friendship. I still didn’t expect anything out of it. When I say ‘expect’ all I mean is that I didn’t expect him to do anything for me, I didn’t expect him to really bother for me or I had no intention in worrying him. I am short of words here.. do you get it? What I am trying to say.

Anyways, so we became good friends and really good friends for that matter where there is no scope of any kind of romantic relationship from both the sides (thankfully). And then after a while we started working together.

I got to know him even better.

Since this is a work-friend relationship we make sure we decide primarily when we are talking as friends, and when as co-workers. But of course many a times we divert ways and so far it has never been ugly.

Today, I met this person after a few days and we were discussing work over a cup of coffee. We were almost done, when I caught him staring at me, more so like glaring at me. My mind went blank, why was he not focused at what I was saying. And I had to snap at him to bring him out of his reverie.

We simply discussed work and as soon as we got finished with it, he blurted out, “Why don’t you go out somewhere? You are truly disturbed and in an objectionable amount of pain.”

I was flummoxed. I almost stammered which is really unlike me and then decided to keep shut, pretending to drink my coffee.

“You go on a leave; you are stressed and really burdened with work, a break would help you.”

We weren’t even discussing anything personal. We were discussing work for God’s sake. How would he know anything about my life right now? I gulped another sip of coffee and stared blankly at him.

“You deserve it,” With that I knew he wouldn’t say anything further.

I knew I had to say something, I couldn’t let him waver. He is my friend too and I owed him an answer. But what?

My hands are wrapped in a fist, and he smiles. Fuck! He does know me well.

I let go of my hands and say “But how would you know any of that?” trying to sound confident and challenging.

Who was I kidding?

“Your eyes speak, darling.”

And just that way, my eyes grew bigger and I gulped down air as fast as I could. He knows me from my eyes? How? Really? Is that possible?

He didn’t ask me anything further; he knew I would never say. I never do. I just shut myself down from emotions. And he left me with that thought.

We finished our coffee, and I diverted him with my tactics, I bombarded him with my questions about him, and made it all about him and I won! We were soon into his problems and how he was dealing with them. We left soon.

He dropped me home as a friend, reminding me to make some work calls as a co-worker. But my mind kept wondering. I didn’t ‘expect’ anything from him. And yet he proved to be really a good friend. Well, more than a good friend.

You just don’t lose these kind of people, whoever they are, and whatever kind of relationship you have with them, you just don’t. They are too special to lose.

 

I Am Done!

I am done.

I am done trying to prove myself,

I am done trying to make myself heard.

I am done trying to prioritize others,

I am done listening to those others,

I am done trying to fit in,

I am done fighting for every little thing,

I am done dealing with those emotions,

I am done with all the toxic potion,

I am simply done with it all,

Now, I simply don’t care, like me or not.

 

Just Like Me!

My niece just spent a good long week at my place and it was nothing but wonderful. (The same niece who presented me a little souvenir when I was at her place) Yes, there were times when I was losing it completely trying to keep a nine year old occupied and entertained all day long but I never took it out on her. Well, I tried my best, as best as I could despite not being a fan of the kids. (In my defence, I don’t hate them either.)

But this kid, is really special to me, has always been. I have never met a kid like her. You will see what I mean.

When she was here, I could not help but notice that what my brother and his wife used to tell me was nothing short of true, “She is just like you.” Earlier, when they used to tell me this, I tried ignoring the fact assuming it as their fondness for me. (Yeah, I know I give myself too much of importance 😉 )
But the more I stayed with her, I realised that they weren’t kidding. She is precisely, unerringly like me.

And you know what my first thought used to be? “Oh, my!!! Another mess like me? What is to happen of her?”

She brought the exact replica of my childhood in front of me. It was as if I was looking at a flashback in mirror, only she was a little more cuter and sweeter and the adjectives can go on.

She loves all the same things which I used to love; she reacts the very same way that I used to do. She is fond of colours, loves to sing despite the fact that we are no singers, her tantrums, her habits, her behaviour, the list goes on.

I use ‘Used to” for myself above, because reality hit me hard a few years back and it changed me. Well, it wasn’t a shock to me, because I had been dealing with it for years, only I did not want to accept it. But then I question again and again what will happen of this lovely kid?

I don’t want her to turn like me. I know reality cannot be overlooked or evaded and one day even she will have to grow out of the fantasy land. But, only I don’t want her to be troubled and moved like me.

I use ‘like me’ a lot today which reminds me what I am like. “I am just like her” which again I don’t want to be. So if I am like her and my niece is like me, it is like the genes are flowing down and we will keep creating messes like us. (We should just stop marrying, you know 😉 )

Coming back to my niece, I knew she would grow beyond her age, considering our long known family drama, and the fact that no one cares in our family to keep the kids away from the things which they needn’t know. But I did not see that coming so soon. This was precisely the reason why she was at our place; to avoid the family scenes.

But I don’t think that made any difference.

I know for a fact that when her mother is not around she takes care of her younger brother. She does small things like bringing him food, asking him if he wants milk, looking after his homework- as if she were a teacher. She doesn’t do all of this to enact a mother or a teacher, which most other children would do at her age, she does all of it because she cares, because she knows that she needs to do it. I know it, I know this because I have seen her performing the caring one, I know this because I have done it myself.

So when she came to my place I was happy and relieved that at least she would avoid a little of the drama and could have a week of saneness and being a carefree child.

But something happened after she left, which is still boggling my mind.

This is what happened and this is the reason why I say that I have never met a kid like her.

Her parents did not have the time to come pick her up, neither were we free to go and drop her at her place which would require at least a day’s break. So her father asked her to send her with an uncle that we know and was travelling the same way. I don’t exactly know what is the right age for a kid to be left alone at home; or to let her travel alone for a journey of four hours? But it just doesn’t feel right for a nine year old to be left alone. Though I do remember very well being left alone at home, and so is she left alone most of the times.

So we all thought that she left with the so called uncle and reached safe home, when she called me from home in the night.

I kept checking on her while she was travelling and so did her father.

(Since she has a phone which her dad gave her only since she was alone here. We weren’t supportive of it at all, but since she had it only for the time being, we thought it was okay.)

But today, we got to know the real story, the story that she wasn’t giving away yesterday, the story which was kept from everyone but her father.

In the midst of the four hour journey the said ‘Uncle’ needed to buy a pack of cookies on a railway station for which he got down alone….

And yes, if you were guessing, you might have guessed it right; because he did miss the train leaving that poor little child alone.

After the train moved the panic must have begun in her, but before anything happened her dad called her and warned her off any kind of people. (I cannot begin to think what her state of mind would have been then)

She was left alone for two hours in a journey; she kept playing games, and talking to her father, her mother and me. But she didn’t give away anything. I called her like four times but all she said was I am playing and I will call you as soon as I reach.

Her father reached the station even before the train would arrive and picked her up. Only then must have he breathed a sigh of relief, I am pretty sure about that. But apart from those two people no one new anything.

When they reached home her mother was briefed about what happened, and she scolded her for not telling her anything. My niece’s reply broke my heart-

“Mom, I know you have high diabetes and blood pressure and if I would have told you this then you would have got tensed and then you might have fallen sick, I know you already have a lot of problems going on so I didn’t tell you!”

And when I got to know this, I asked her too, why didn’t you tell me?

And she retorted, “I know you’d have done the same thing. And I am just like you!”

And this broke me completely.

Here, I was trying to keep her away from everything, but I just didn’t realise that she was already captivated in all of it. She was already beyond her years.

I know most people would say that these kinds of experiences make you strong, bold and practical; they give you the strength to deal with life. They sure do, but most importantly you lose a lot too in all of this. It sure makes us strong and resilient, but it also, makes you too practical and feeling-less. By the time you grow up you are hollow inside, and all that is left is a concrete body. You are referred to as pessimistic, gloomy and heartless.

But the fact is we aren’t heartless, we do have a heart, just ours is shielded with facts and truths. It is not that we don’t love ourselves, we do, with all our might we do. But when it comes to our loved ones, we go even a step further than we could, or we should and love them with borrowed might.

And this is what I didn’t want her to go through. I didn’t want her to grow beyond her years, but she already has and I can do nothing about it.

I am just like ‘her’, and she is just like me…

 

PS: I attach the two links here that I refer to from my previous posts.

https://aestheticmiradh.com/2017/06/12/just-like-her/

https://aestheticmiradh.com/2017/11/01/a-souvenir/

Dreams!!

 

Do dreams come true?

Before you say yes, let me make it clear that I am not talking about those dreams which we see through our eyes open, the dream of becoming someone, something, the dream of being with someone, of achieving something, the dream of going to some place. No, I am not talking about that.

I am talking about the dreams which come to you, unwanted, absolutely undesirable, and haunt you in the middle of the night, the kind of dream which leave you panting, breathless not with passionate excitement but with downright disgust and pain, the dream which makes you perspire like you have run a thousand miles only to discover that you are yet to reach your finfish line, and there are tons of people ahead of you.

I am not running, actually, I am just sitting on the bed, gasping for air, trying to breathe in that clammy air, but all I can do is clutch through the sheets and make myself believe that this was just a dream.

But then sometimes even dreams come true, I have heard. Even my dreams have come true at some point in my life. So what assurance do I have that this dream won’t come true? What if? And this what if kills me every single second.

I am not even considering the fact that this dream might come true. No, I don’t have that much courage in me. I will live in denial!!!!!

But the mere thought stabs my heart.

Then comes the theory that we dream what our mind thinks for most part of the day. I accept I have such disturbing thoughts throughout the day, try as I might, they won’t go. My mind is just not under my control. And so they control my days and even nights.

Just when I think that these thoughts are finally, under my control they come back with a different attire and style only to depress me. Just when I think that these dreams are beyond me, they return with an updated version. So for how long will they bounce back? How many years more will they keep coming back to me? Aren’t they tired of me? I sure am.

And so I lay there wondering, struggling for air, wanting someone, something, anything beside me to hold onto, to just make me believe that I am being irrational, that it is only a dream. But all I do instead is to struggle to even breathe and ask myself, ‘Do dreams come true?’

And if the good ones do then so can the dreadful ones, and if they do, then what?

A Woman That You Don’t Desire!

I am a woman.

I am black, I am white,

I am wheatish.

I am a woman beyond colour.

A woman that you don’t desire.

 

I am fierce, I am wild,

I am not feminine, not masculine,

I am a woman, beyond qualities and quantities.

 

I am fat, I am too thin,

I have flappy breasts and heavy thighs,

I am a woman beyond any shape and size.

A woman that you don’t desire.

 

I am emotional, I am sentimental,

I, may be cry a lot,

I am a woman, who speaks her heart out.

 

I am a woman, not a commodity.

I have my own rights and decisions,

I am a woman who owns power.

A woman that you don’t desire.

 

I am beyond pink, beyond the kitchen walls,

I am beyond the dresses that I wear,

I am beyond the qualities that the society wants me to bear.

 

I am self-sufficient, relentless,

I am happy, I am sad.

I am a woman that has in her all.

A woman that you don’t desire.

 

I am a woman that has been smiling,

I am a woman that has been celebrating herself,

Every single day, not only on this women’s day.

 

I am a woman that you have been mistreating,

I am her, whom you have been supressing,

I am a woman who has still always been fighting.

A woman that you don’t desire.

 

I am a woman, you fucking idiot,

I can never be owned, never be chained,

I am a free bird.

 

I am a woman that you are scared of,

I am a woman that you can’t ever celebrate,

I am the women you always wanted to destroy.

A woman that you don’t desire.

 

Well, I do not care.

I am a woman of resilience.

I am the woman that can fly,

I am the woman, who pines to reach heights,

A woman that you can’t desire.

 

 

Lost Opportunities!

What do you do when an opportunity knocks at your door, a good opportunity that you were not seeking, that you were not waiting for, and which came out of the blue? A normal human like you would open the door in a flick and grab that opportunity to may be never let it go, right? But the ever questioning woman that I am, the ever reasonable and rationale seeking person that I am, always, always does otherwise. I, for that matter, when an opportunity knocks, do not grab hold of it. What I do is, I open the door, pick it up, trying to make myself feel that I might just keep it this time, but instead set it aside and leave the room, the house, and run  away, as far away as I can.

It is not that I don’t ever want that chance; I am a human after all. But every single time, reasons and other plights and scrapes take hold over that door and shut its bolts.

Well, I am not complaining, I cannot. It was my decision, and I am in all means responsible for it. Neither do I regret it, nor this time, nor have I ever. Every single time I bid adieu to something which I couldn’t get hold of, I have never regretted it. Sometimes it might have made me nostalgic, a bit sentimental may be, but as time elapses I get over it.

But what keeps me going is the road beyond that door, with no limits, the free air, the cool breeze, and those tiny little droplets of hope.

The process isn’t easy though.  Sometimes is crucial and sometimes it’s a cakewalk, well it depends every time.

But every single time, I wonder what if this was my last opportunity? What if that door never opens again? What if nothing else comes up? What if I have exhausted all my opportunities? What if no other window opens up?

But then again, that is a chance I am willing to take, for the same sake of reasons and plights which I leave them.

They say, an opportunity lost is an opportunity gained, at least the optimists do. (Unlike the pessimists whose exhortation would be “An opportunity lost is lost forever) May be I gain another opportunity every single time, and may be some of these days; I am going to have to remind myself that their stock is being heaped down soon.

I could simply say, at this point, I can relate to Kazuo Ishiguro when he said, “There was another life that I might have had, but I am having this one.”

PS: Do you guys go through any of this? Do you regret your decisions? What do you think, is every opportunity lost, lost forever? Or do you think everything happens for a reason, and are a hopeless disciple of destiny?