Category Archives: It’s how life is!

The Wait For Spring.

Warning: This is going to be pretty long. Proceed and get bored at your own risk!

 

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I should probably start with wishing new years to all of you, but I am sure that I am very late for that, very very late. So, shall I just go ahead and ask you if you have reached that point of the year, when you have started feeling that you are probably wasting this year too, and that even this year your resolutions are going to go down the drain, or better still, all the optimisms and the thought that this is going to be your year has slowly been washing out of your system? I am certain, that I am probably late for even that question!

 

Yes, I am extremely late for almost everything now, may be even writing a blog post too. For all I know, everyone whom I knew has already gone away and I might not even hear from you guys anymore. Agreed! I have been away, for far too long. And perhaps this is the most that I have been away from my blog, and stopped writing since I have started writing here, since the time Aesthetic Miradh exists. But I just didn’t have the energy, the courage, or the will to write anything. I just didn’t. It couldn’t have been a writers’ block, I am sure of that, it was something more than that! Words didn’t leave me, I still had those conversations with myself, those dull drab uninteresting posts were there, but those were only in my head. I lacked something, or may be I was just being lazy!

 

I have been staring at my computer screen for quite long now, and it has taken more than I can tell to even write these useless words so far. I have been booting my computer for the past few days, staring at the blank screen for a while, drinking cups of tea/coffee/hot chocolate one after the other, (not necessarily all in the same day) and yet I wrote nothing. Daily, I switched on the computer, and after a while, switched it off. It went on for a few days but today, I am finally writing here (hopefully posting too), but what am I exactly writing, I am unsure of. What I am sure of is, I am cent percent going to bore you by the end, and you might not even know why I wrote this, or in all probability why did you even read this?

 

So, what have I been up to? (Yeah, Moushmi, now is this becoming your daily journal? No one is interested in knowing what you have been up to!) Unlike my writing life, everything else hasn’t been stagnant. Well, life kept moving on, but I don’t know if have matched pace with it. Things have been happening. Work has been piling. To- read books have been stacking, so basically everything has been hoarded so far, so much so that I can’t see beyond it.

 

There was one respite though, the only thing that I kept looking up to everyday. 2019 was the year when I planned on writing a poem a day. Now, that sounded interesting and so fulfilling to me initially too, and I waited expectantly to write poems everyday, one after the other. It wasn’t easy, of course. And I sometimes pulled at my own head as to find any new ideas. Not that my ever-cribbing and tame-less hair had any ideas in store, but I tried it all the same. I can definitely not boast of these poems now, not when I know that not all of them are unique and certainly do not stand out. But what exactly is unique. Even the sentence that I just wrote, “But what exactly is unique.” Must have been repeated millions of time through millions of seconds. But I am still not going to boast about them, because I know, while the quantity of the poems is overwhelming, the quality is definitely not!

 

When I started writing these poems, I had in mind of being a published poet, if not a writer soon. But now that I have them, I am just being and doing what I always do. Being a certified lazy coward. I have a set of poems drawn out of the herd, and I did start editing them and I did look into the matter of publishing, but it all became too overwhelming, and I chickened out. But I haven’t exactly dropped out the idea; I am still looking into the matter only I don’t know what and how to do. People have given me suggestions. Some motivated me, some not so much. But I am still nowhere. Believe me, I have read about it, researched it, so much so that now it feels I should just go ahead and publish it already. I have come across so many new published writers, some have been of help, while some just competitive. I was initially surprised at how much our times have to offer, in terms of publication too. I mean yes, there is the traditional method of publishing, but there are so many other options too. And so- so many new, encouraging and even emerging publishers for new writers. But that is where it became too overwhelming and for once I thought, what the hell, I will just go and self publish it myself. It is not like it’s a great book or something. They are just poems, it is a small dream. May be I will make mistakes with my first book; I am bound to. But I have made mistakes in the past, and I am sure I will make them in the future too; only I hope I will not repeat them. We will see how that turns out. No saint, I am!

 

I do not have any resolutions for 2020 yet, and seeing that we are already down almost two months of the year, I might give up on it altogether. But I do have a certain idea. Wow, I am not even sure if it is an idea at all. It could turn into a series of short stories, or it could be a short novella, but then again, I keep wondering if I have that kind of discipline in me to start writing, and even if I do write, what is to happen of those boring sheets? Stay useless, may be?

 

Writing happens or not, I am sure I will be reading a lot this year. I am sure of that. I took up the goodreads challenge and all, of finishing up hundred books a year. I didn’t plan on it last year, but I still managed 79 books in 2019, and I would have completed a hundred too, had I not stopped reading altogether in the last few months of the year. This year, I plan on reading more. Not only quantity, but I mean to look into quality too, leaving behind all those books that don’t add up to anything. We’ll see how that goes too! Who knows, I end up only talking!

 

My friend Mr. Coffee Hater comes often and we have our usual nonsensical banter always, but that’s a ramble for later. So that is that! I think I should stop talking, if at all someone is listening. And if you are, I want to know what you have been up to? I am sure I have been missing out on a lot of things. Tell me what you are reading? 😉 Okay, tell me what have you been doing? As for me, I think I have I have been sipping iced coffee in winters, and reading Rumi. (Look at that me reading Rumi!) And it is still winters here, chilly, freezing winters. All I am doing is waiting for spring! I think I am just waiting for spring!!

 

 

Moorings.

 

Weekends shouldn’t be about going out, partying, trashing, shopping, dining, and tiring yourself. They should be about the things that you would want to do otherwise. It should be about, well, honestly my answer changes as frequently as the illogical and unwanted threats, thrown by people who might run a country and yet wouldn’t know how to run a country. So, if you asked me last month what are weekends for, I would have told you the very thing that I denied when I began writing this. I would scream and holler in insta accent “Partay” or “friyay” but this weekend was the reflection of the other shades of me. All I wanted to do was to sit at home, avoid people and read. I did everything else but this.

 

So with a sullen and putrid mood I met a friend and we were waiting for our Uber when she tells me “phones inside”. This was supposed to be our one on one so no phones were allowed. Okay, I wasn’t looking at my phone. And she was the one who had this habit. But I was the one who was being told to keep it inside. I didn’t have a bag or a wallet on me. I had the needed cash in my pockets and thanks to the sizes of the new phones, my phone won’t fit in my pockets. So I said. And so she indicated at her own pockets when I refused to do anything about it. I thought what the hell, is she wearing her boyfriends’ pants? I mean no other way did her phone fit in there. I wonder why is this? I mean why do they do this? Why do men’s pants have pockets the size, which can fit a wallet, keys, sanitizer, kerchief, condoms, phones and what not. I have seen men carrying almost everything that women do, there is nothing different. Yes, except from a sanitary pad, I guess the needs are pretty much the same. Then why in the name of God do they do this to us poor souls? Not all women like carrying bags just as not every man likes not carrying a bag. So, yeah, my friend, she indicated that she could fit her phone in her pocket so I did ask her why and how. She said, this is what you get for not going after brand names and gave me a wink. So now I was wrong in wearing a branded pair of denim! Great!!!

 

But this pocket and bags thing remind me of one other thing. I guess big pockets or not I think I should start carrying a bag always. I mean there is the possibility of my mom calling me here and now and asking me to bring so and so and so things. I tell you the list goes on. Tell me why is it that moms need so much stuff from stores. Okay, don’t tell me. I have asked this a million times and I have got the same answer. You will know when you become a mom. Believe you me, I am in no hurry! Yeah, so she calls me randomly and then there is this store called reliance fresh on my way and I go in and buy those things on the whatsapp message that my mom stresses on sending despite the fact that she just called me and then I realize that I don’t have anything to carry this in. So I ask for a bag and he generously adds 14 bucks for it. This could happen to you too. I remind myself that the next time I am not leaving my house without a bag. I mean yeah sometimes you forget to carry bags, and then the stores make you pay for it and then it is all-fine. But 14 bucks for a plain ‘jhola’ isn’t what I intend on paying again.

 

But that ‘jhola’ and its gloomy look is still better than the goofy smile that that boy gives me on the third floor of my building. He is new. Just shifted. I hate it when they bring such tenants. And by such I mean bachelors. Not that these bachelors are disturbing. Far from it. They are dull bloody boring engineers and I hate it. I hate them not because they live a life of a bachelor but because they are bored engineers who have nothing in their lives except for work. I see them going early in the mornings, dressed formally and return in the night with such dead looks as if nothing is left in their lives. I pity them. But the pity lasts only till I see one of them with that big bright smile of his. Why? Why does he creep me out? And since he is a neighbor now I am forced to smile back which leads to an even bigger smile. Okay fine so from now I am going to avoid coming and going when he comes. Yes, that’s what I am going to do.

 

But I don’t like how he looks. I mean not how he looks-looks, I mean how empty he looks. As if he has nothing left in his life except for work. I have heard him talk over the phone sometimes, dull mundane talks, not that I was spying. He was in his verandah. I was in mine. He was loud enough. I tell you, he could be nothing more than 30 and the way he lives! I guess isolation does that to people. Yes, it must be isolation. That friend of mine? With whom I was waiting for an uber she has made me believe 100% that you mess up your own life when you are so lonely. It makes you do things that a sane mind would otherwise not do. Yes that is it, he is and my friend is lonely! But who isn’t today. Aren’t we all living in the phase where we have only happy pictures not a happy life?

 

Yes, that is true. The 15 year old who put a picture of his new haircut, with that ‘lit’ emoji tags his picture with the quote, “life is hard.” So it must be. Yes, it definitely must be. Life is lonely and hard. So do you think I should become a matchmaker and make my friend meet this engineer guy? Could work, right? I should believe so.

 

But then people believe in a lot of things these days. The man following me on the road the other day must have thought so. I mean he must have really believed that something could happen here, between him and me. Only then would he have driven around town, wasting his fuel, for a whole 30 minutes in the same area again and again. God! It took him 30 minutes to realize that I wasn’t going to stop driving until he stopped following. What was I? Some frenzied woman who would show him way to my home? No! So, I kept driving here and there and he kept following. I wonder how his mind was working? That he would follow me to my home and then since he will have my address he will come to my place again and again and then just like it happens in romantic movies, I will blush and smile and fall for him? I guess so. I think this is the only explanation, only hope for which he must have wasted his life’s 30 minutes after me.

 

Hey, this reminds me the other day I went on my walk and saw someone following me. A very old uncle this time. I was creped. He smiled too. Look at the audacity. But as soon as he passed me it struck me. He wasn’t smiling in a way I was thinking; he was a very old man. He was a guard someplace. I knew him. Yes, it struck me then that he was the guard at my old school and I didn’t smile back. He was the cute guard who held our hands and helped crossed the roads. And I didn’t recognize him, I didn’t smile back. I didn’t even acknowledge him. And so now I am one of those snobs who forget those cute people as they grow up. At least he must think so. See, these pervs do this to you. Ruin every other man for you in every possible way.

 

But among all of this there is something good too. I mean of course our world if full of people whom I (I don’t know about you) abhor but there are little perks of joy in and around too. So as I was telling you about my walks, I have missed something about it of late. There is the cutest little girl who ties two pony tails and stand beside her dad everyday at the same place, same time, waiting for her school bus, looking right in front of her with such command and precision that I’d be mad not to admire her. There is something about that look, command may be or endurance? But as soon as she sees me she will be smiling back at me as if there was no other look in the world that she knows. Her dad once asked her, “Who are you smiling at, Do you know her?” And she just said, “That di”. I mean isn’t she cute. I hope she doesn’t do this with everyone though. Her dad smiles back too since then. But they had been missing since so many days. They are back! Yeaaaaaa they are back and that smile is back. I didn’t realize till now how much I had been habituated to her. My walks have been better since the return of my waving friend.

 

But don’t you think one day this is going to stop. Either I will stop going to walks on that route or she will start driving to school herself. She doesn’t look far from that age. I guess that is how this works, isn’t it. I mean of course nothing is permanent except change. This brings me to another question, if nothing is permanent then what about love? Isn’t it the only thing that doesn’t wither? Isn’t true love the only thing that can beat and overcome anything? Who am I to say? What would I know? You tell me!

 

But then again who would know anything of true love, I wouldn’t. Would you? Hard to say. I mean I saw three relationships breaking in the last week. In just one week I saw three couples go their way, couples who had been together for years, couples who were mature and immature. One of them, a couple I mean has been dragging their drama to me too. This couple generously falls in the category of immature. Well, that is how I see it. So yeah, they have been dragging and pulling at threads and I am stuck in between. Initially, it is fine you know. You think they are your friends ad it would be only good if you could kick some little sense in their rusty mind, but no they won’t get it. They will carry every drab fight to you, as if they are the kids and I am the parent. So I got fed up and wanted to scream, “Dude, if I wanted this kind of drama in my life, I would be in this sort of a relationship myself. I don’t want this shona-babu-baby which is why I am not in this kind of a relationship. Please…. Let me be. I was not in that relationship, you were, I cannot do anything, you can.” But I guess troubled minds don’t get this simple language. Well, but if they don’t get such simple things then why do they get in a relationship? Why do they play the game called feelings?

 

Oh, I got carried away, didn’t I? Became too philosophical, did it? Okay, don’t answer that. I know you won’t. Because even you don’t have any answers. I know you don’t. Well at least my cousin makes me realize that you don’t, I don’t, no one has these answers. Drunk on self-pity after crying for a whole half hour I decided I’ll call her and vent everything that’s bottled within. But before I could muster a dreary and mucus filled hello she started crying! Okay, old story Moushmi! Clear your head and start listening, this doesn’t sound good! Something’s up. And so just like every time you shut up and listen making yourself believe that it is probably for the best not to talk to anyone about it. So, yeah don’t even think about it again. But boy, is she messed up! Well, didn’t I say messed up people and solitariness makes people do things, weird things! Anyways, who am I to judge?

 

By the way, judgment reminds me of one thing. The thing because of which I stared writing this.  No, no not the weekend plans. But my kind of weekend for this week. Books. Enough with the ramblings, and before you kill me let me jump straight, without any glitches in between and without any diversion that could hinder my asking you this very small petite question. What do you do if you don’t like the book that you are reading? I mean I am always torn between leaving the book that I start disbelieving in and my love for reading, simply saying, “They are books, how can you leave them midway?” So far in my entire life there has been only one book that I have left after 100 pages and I don’t even remember which book it was. Isn’t life too short to waste on books that you start disliking? But then again, how do you know if you like it or not unless you read it. But what if you not only don’t like it, you hate it, and you just don’t believe in what the author is saying, he/she is just going round and round and round without making a point just as I am doing with this post? So, yeah enough with this merry go round, I will stop here, and ask you if it is often that you leave a book midway? Or do you suck it and finish it and then judge the author and the book. I know by using the word ‘judge’ I am giving you the full liberty to judge me, but you are going to do this anyway, right? So judge away and let me know about the books. The next time I am leaving a book after a mere 50 pages, there might be less guilt within me, guilt of leaving someone, just as someone else (may be you) might want to leave me. So if you are not one of those who got bored midway and have reached this far you know my question, and I’ll be waiting for your answer.

The Sea

Poetry has been a consistent part of my life, first reading and then writing. Though if someone would have said that I could try writing poems, a year back, I would have rolled my eyes and said, “Yeah, right!” Not that I have become very confident of my pieces, but I have come as far as trying to share them and be judged.

So, judge away a small poem that has been accepted for publication by Indian Periodical:

The Sea

Do share with me what you think about this. It is always amazing to hear from you, and helpful to hear an honest opinion.

magic

To Be Worthy Or Not To Be!

There are days when I write a four-line poem and am satisfied with my days product.

 

And then there are days when I go out for a walk, eat the best and the healthiest, pray, get an exceptional work out before sleep (if you know what I mean), rest, work, study for my papers, read a 100 pages of the book I am reading, write an angry poetry, watch a movie (everything not necessarily in the same order) and yet I am just not satisfied! It all still feels worthless and I don’t know what to do with myself.

 

It is somewhere in the middle that I want to be, trying to find a balance. I don’ want to overdo, and neither do I want to be worthless. But then again, who is to say, I might be just as worthless.

आईने!

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खुश रहने में और खुश दिखने में
अगर फर्क न होता
तो मेरे घर क आईने
इतनी कहानिया न छुपाते.

I am sorry, for translated it will just not mean anything to me and so I leave it just as it is.

 

Melancholy.

All you vain dreams

As short as a mid summer night

Swift; fleeting; lonely

Bestowing me with nothing but melancholy.

Fierce as a loving woman’s anger

Sweet as the kiss of a passionate lover

A bell at dawn; a parting groan-

If only I’d be wise enough to see beyond it.