Tag Archives: believe

An Unwilling Bouzouki

Sitting on chairs in proper alignment

It seems a long ago, when we students were huddled about,

Celebrating India’s independence was the days’ requirement

Making our English teacher proud.

 

Constantly, we had chided and pleased

To do something else as a substitute to teach,

We did it often, played adventures

Making memories after memories to one-day treasure.

 

She decided she’d ask a question to the vibrant youth

To which we would answer with sheer truth.

With defined wisdom she asked

“How will you want to see your country at long last?”

 

The question she asked was very simple

But it created in my mind a momentary ripple.

I raced with my newest friend, over thinking

Sitting there paralyzed, unblinking.

 

Speaking up in front of people was never my thing

And so I sat there; to time clinging, worshipping,

But we were only thirty students

And I persistently fought against my prudence.

 

Smiling, nodding I heard what my friends had to say

Pondering, how meaningful answers they had their way,

From eradication of poverty to building roads

To making luxury cheaper- their thoughts flowed.

 

And in less than forty minutes I was called on stage

When all I wanted to do was hide in a cage,

What is my favorite teacher going to think about my dumb thoughts

But still I erased blank, and joined the dots.

 

With face turned hot, ears red

I held the mike, but my lips dead.

I gathered myself, blinked and blurted

What my teacher thought- was the secret of my being introverted.

 

“If I live to be an old maiden

I want myself in the world (not country) to reawaken,

I want kindness; I want honesty and no chaos

I want peace; I want beauty and no havoc.

 

I fumbled; I fidgeted and put the mike down

Ashamed, I got down feeling like a clown,

I went to my seat, hiding my face

Wanting the few minutes to retrace.

 

Up until then I hadn’t herd

The deadening applause,

And so I sulked deeper amidst the nerds

For such words, I thought definitely had no cause.

 

Years from that day, I stand by those words

But if only I could change my verse,

Or better still I could have at least tried

To say everything for which my heart cried.

 

That day is gone

But I have a little strength now,

I have a little word play drawn

Perhaps, you’d tap with the button ‘Allow’.

 

If I live to be an old maiden

I want myself in the world (not country) to reawaken,

I’d love to see so many blessed things happen

That life itself would feel like a welcoming wagon.

 

If only I could find things a little different

My little sister would have taken birth for starters,

Or I wouldn’t have to be constantly belligerent

Being an orthodox Indian daughter.

 

I wouldn’t have to go to an all-girls school

Fearing boys and all the various rules.

Comparing myself to those who didn’t even go to school

I should have felt my life a little less cruel.

 

I’d want my grandmother to give me a kiss

For I never knew that bliss,

Or for my uncle to not give me that stare

For it was mortifying, I swear.

 

I’d want for no one to give me an eye

When I say I don’t want to learn cooking,

I’ll have different means to fly

Than just making all kinds of pudding.

 

I’d want a life where my mom does not persistently say

When you get married please take care of your husband,

Darling, you are not suppose to go astray

For your in-laws will have us trusted.

 

I’d want a life when I wouldn’t have to think some things

Like what can I study, so they never cut my wings,

Or how will I mange so many responsibilities

Work-husband-in-laws-kids-kitchen- a trillion little things.

 

I’d want a life where everything will not be ‘my’ duty

And I won’t have to be an absolute bouzouki,

Yes I’ll want peace and love and no havoc

I’ll want kindness, honesty and no mental chaos.

 

I’ll want a life where I consistently don’t have to remember

That I am a woman and somehow, somewhere I have to surrender,

I’ll want a life where I don’t want to stand in front of the mirror

And see incessantly how from him I differ.

 

Today, I have a little strength, a little clarity

So, please allow me to speak my dwarfish insanity,

If I live to be an old maiden

This is how I’ll want to end my cadence.

 

*

PS: Do tell me if I have started saying the same things again and again, and if my words have started being mundane! 

 

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The Mask That Fell Off!

 

I saw love in your eyes

I saw the warmth,

The flamboyant smiles.

 

I saw the care in your heart

I saw the fear,

The painful pleasure.

 

I saw the truth in your soul

I saw the honesty,

The serene simplicity.

 

And then one day I saw the true colors

I saw the wild lies

I saw the raging rashness

And I saw the youthful odium.

 

Now what do I presume?

Which colors do I assume?

What is right?

What is wrong?

 

I lost faith in myself

While you, shook me to my inner essential.

Was I wrong before?

Am I wrong now?

 

Were you so good in representing?

Or am I so bad in arbitrating?

Am I so inanely innocuous?

Or you are just astonishingly facetious?

 

I though I saw love

I though I saw scrupulousness

But in a flick, one day

The mask fell off

And I didn’t know

What to believe in!

Current Reading List!

I cannot say that I am at a lot of disposal of time these days to have a current reading list, but after my recent circus show in my life, I desperately needed an escape. A real escape. And so I have been drowning myself in books.

Before, I would pick up a book and read it front and back, till I was satisfied with it, and only then would I have gone on to the next book. But off late, my concentration capacity has been so belittled that even when it comes to books, I have started shifting from one to another. And I don’t even know if it’s helping me. But as of now I have picked up a set of books and am reading them in bits and parts, and so far so good! The only problem is I am taking longer than usual to complete each book. The result of which is, my mind is getting more curious by the day, I get anxious, and wonder what exactly is wrong with me that I am taking so long to complete a book!!

I know, and I agree with my over-reactions. But all the same, I am enjoying for the time being, to have a big set of books to go back to everyday.

The list incorporate:

  • A Man Called Ove By Fredrik Backman
  • A collection of poems by Rumi
  • Another book of Urdu poetry with Hindi and English translations
  • A poetry collection of  Pablo Neruda.
  • Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell. (This has taken so much of time now that I really want to finish it. I cannot blame anyone, for the length of the book makes anyone slower. But now, I am curious too of this very brave and forward Katie Scarlett O’Hara)

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And if this was not enough, I am reading this again.

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I don’t know what I am trying to do, live the good old childhood days or am I simply trying to believe in something called magic? But I am reading this for the second time this month, and I am not even ashamed of it.

And if all of this was not enough, I ordered another book for myself, despite the unread books that I have, including the huge set that I was gifted on my birthday. Well, in my defence I was ordering two books for my exams, and somehow I thought books just for exams doesn’t seem exactly apt, right? So I should order at least one good book to read too. And that’s how this little one reached me:

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So, yeah, that’s it. This is my current reading list.

Not that I am free of work or my exams and assignments, but I am just reading them all the same.

Have you read any of these?

Any thoughts on them, or to say on my recent obsession for reading more than I can manage on a work day?

If not, then Happy Reading 😀

 

 

Sometimes…

Sometimes all you need to do is

Stay back, and let it all pass.

To sit awhile, and let it all pass.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

Let the blood drain away to your toes.

To let the air be sucked out till your ears.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

To close your eyes, and not talk.

To just lie down and not walk.

 

Sometimes, all you need to do is

Let it all go,

To let it all be in the past.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

Turn the page of the book.

To end the chapter.

To close the book.

To just forget everything.

And start afresh.

To let it all be and have faith.

To try and smile and have faith.

To simply believe and let it be.

Sometimes all you need to do is

Simply do nothing.

To The One Who Dreams

Because I am feeling a little dreamy today,

Because I am reading something too beautiful today,

Because everything is too good to be true today,

Because I believe; today:

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Faith.

“I have faith in God!

I have faith in my guardian angel who brought me here and who stays here with me.”

*

I might have posted this before, but I am writing this again today. I read this somewhere, and I still have faith in this.

“I believe in my Guardian Angel, I do.” Just a reminder!!

The Robbed Hope.

 

What is living without hope?

It is, an artist without his art,

A painting without colours.

 

What is living without faith?

It is, a song without the tunes,

And dance without music.

 

What is life without belief?

It is a story without characters,

A story without words.

 

Oh, the robbed hope is back again,

The hope which I had always lived by,

The hope which my spirit held so dear,

It has come out of its hidings.