Tag Archives: breathing

When You Just Cannot Breathe!

I was strangled. A rope tied around my neck, the grip was getting tighter by the second, and my eyes were widening with the same force. Beads of sweat rolled from my forehead, to the corners of my cheeks, towards the chin falling onto my breasts, mingling with the musk beneath.

 

I tried to free my hands, my legs, but all I could do was to sway in motion on the floor, wriggling like a paralyzed dog. Then came the panic attack and I couldn’t breathe, I thought it was just an attack out of fear, but no I couldn’t breathe any more. My mouth was trying to tear through the duct tape- in vain kissing it. My eyesight was simply wading, I could barely see any more. People were coming in, finally coming in view, but just at that very moment my eyes gave in, my senses were crumbling. Legs were moving in front of me, I could see through the watery eyes, despite the blazing fury. I could listen to their heartfelt laughter, despite the wringing noise in my ears.

I kicked one last time, in vain.

I gripped my hands with the fingers through the rope, in vain.

I stomped, wriggled, in vain.

I craned my neck, in vain.

I breathed the last sigh, trying to relieve the pain, but in vain.

I strained to see, but all in vain.

I shut my eyes, falling deep, deep into the oceans of nothingness, uncertainty.

I was so choked up, I just couldn’t breathe, I lost all hope, surrendering to that uncertainty.

And just then I woke up, finally breathing again.

Fallen To This New Level!

 

I have fallen to this new stature

Cause, I have sat and done

Absolutely nothing despite being all alone.

 

I sat and stared

Stared at the dark wall,

Giving away ramifications of my past.

 

I sat; sat and stared at

I don’t know what,

Giving away only darkness.

 

I looked on at the wall

Thinking and rethinking

About I don’t even know what.

 

I have fallen to a new level

Cause I didn’t even realize

When the time ticked by

And it was no more the day,

I started thinking on.

 

I have fallen to this new level

Where I don’t even understand anything,

Where I have stopped feeling some things.

 

I sit and stare and think

Trying hard, very hard,

to only cry a very bit.

 

But I fathom,

I have fallen to a very new level

Where even crying seems to have

Gone away with a new fling

Drying my soul, not letting it brim.

 

I have fallen to this new depth this time

Cause I don’t even realize where I am.

Or how to climb up,

Or swim away.

Cause this time I don’t even reckon myself.

Cause this time, I don’t feel anything.

I sit and stare and think and the time keeps ticking

Trying to realize what I am even thinking,

But all I gather is I am at a new depth,

And now it is difficult to even keep climbing.

Difficult to even keep swimming.

 

I have fallen

And I keep falling,

I have drowned,

And I keep drowning.

I find a new level of

Nothingness,

Meaninglessness.

And I question myself

Where am I?

 

*

Never been good with poems, never been a poet. This is just a vain attempt as always, and as all my previous attempts to try and write in as limited words as possible, and to express as far and as truthfully I can.

Swimming Escapade!

As the summers have hit, I lumber across the huge and insanely deep waters in the mornings almost everyday. It is so relishing, so relaxing that I can’t even to begin explain how I feel then.

Well, who am I kidding, I know exactly how I feel, because it isn’t the oceans that I am bathing in. I am in a small pool under a very beautiful canopied roof.

But the idea seems enticing, oh, the idea of having and living beside the ocean. (This keeps gawking at me, the idea and my past. I miss living near that raving ocean.)

So, coming back to today, when I am drenched in those chlorinated waters, barely neck deep and yet trying, putting my efforts in a vain attempt to swim; I savour and enjoy what I have instead of crying over the past which can’t be in my present. Yes, there I was, glorifying myself, basking under the shaded warmth, drinking in the morning chills of the freshwater, awarding myself an imaginary trophy for choosing the time when I could avoid the thing that I always want to, people. It is peaceful, and I am just glad that I don’t have to make fake pleasantries or even fabricated efforts of trying to make any kind of conversation. It is soothing.

The irony lies in the fact that I can’t swim. Believe me, every year it is on my list, to learn how to swim. But there are excuses always. It starts with skin and hair issues, then it is sometimes followed by busy schedules, followed by my laziness. And some of the years I just am not in one particular place, preventing me from this little thing which I have been wanting to do since childhood. No, I am not scared of water, I love playing in it, playing with it, playing all over it 😉

They say some people are ‘hills people’, some on the other hand are ‘oceans and lake people’, I consider myself to be a ‘Nature person’. Yeah, you can refer to me as one of the Romantics who is always in awe of hills, mountains, trees, sky, oceans, rainbow……….

But the problem. Yes the problem lies in the fact that my love for nature never wins over the other reasons of not learning how to swim. (Lazy me; Accepted guilt)

So, there I was like a small kid flapping and waving my hands in that water (the lack of people helped me bring out that carefree child in me) instead of literally swimming. I was dead sure of not crossing the 5ft mark on the corners, as if I would never know that I can’t feel the pool beneath me. But just to be sure, that my dwarfish height does not submerge beneath the level, I did not cross it.

The second irony lies in the fact that I was almost drowned despite my careful analysation of the height level. As much as it sounds funny to me now, at that point of time, I thought I almost died 😀

At one point in my ineffectual attempts of swimming I got tired (Look at my laziness) and decided to relax against the sides of the pool. And I paid for it instantly. Why did I have to go there? I saw someone from the corner of the eyes, and to avoid that person I shifted a little making myself closer to my doom for the day.

All of a sudden my left heel pulled inside of something, the pull was so strong that I lost my balance completely. And then it dawned on me that I was standing right ahead of one of the suction outlets. What was I supposed to do then?

I had lost my balance, I had lost all my little stamina too in that one hour of childish play in that pool, and I was being pulled forcefully inside something, inside which my leg would probably not fit, despite which my leg was wanted!

I was trying to pull myself out, snatching myself, grabbing my feet, but it wouldn’t budge. This kept on for a few minutes which certainly seemed like eternity. I was underwater now with no balance, no breaths left, flapping about, almost battling with that pool and desperately attempting to free myself. After a while I could feel myself struggling even to breathe and a certain kind of pain started stabbing me in my heels, I don’t know if the pain was from that continuous suction or from the fact that I was pulling myself away incessantly.

After a while I gave up.

I almost started drinking that chlorinated water. I thank that it was only almost and then I threw it up. Realisation dawned on me that there was absolutely no one around, the pool was empty and if I didn’t do anything soon, I’ll probably be left there unless someone finds me struggling underneath.

I let go off my feet and came up, as much I could at that level, and swallowed air like a hungry animal. And then I saw that, literally, there was no one around. When I came in there were certainly few people there, but I guess not everyone loses themselves in the spur of the moment and bask in the glory of getting to their work late, almost every second day.

The next suction was so strong, I thought that not only my feet would get in, but my whole body would be drawn in. Oh, the dramatic me!!

I went in one final time with certainty that I cannot let myself wait for someone to come and rescue me, I had to do something, but my audacity came crumbling down as soon as I went in and lost my balance again.

But this time, I could not let it go. I held onto my feet tightly and with my other leg pushed myself against the sides of the pool. And with one final pull, and push I was out and free.

I rolled inside the waters a little but thankfully I was pushed towards the 4ft level and I could stand up, finally breathing, raspily. I clambered out of the pool instantaneously and just when I came out, there was a small group of people heading towards me. They definitely eyed me for sitting there sulkily and in a very awkward demeanor. But who cared?

I hurried out, not even glancing back towards that pool!

Now that i think of it, it sounds funny to me, that a small suction outlet pulled me inside and gave me half an inch deep cut in my feet. But in that moment, I was frantic!!

Well, I was ready to let go. What if I had let go? I didn’t know how to swim, what would have happened?

I kept struggling, and I realise now that sometimes we need to keep fighting that one last battle. As always I might be reading too much into things, but that’s who I am, we got to deal with it.  I accept not everything is in our hands, and sometimes to let go is the best alternative, but sometimes, it is worth fighting for. May be, may be that one last battle could make you win.

Anyways, so this year I get another reason for not going swimming. My cut in that stupid feet is deep and it burns, really bad. I wouldn’t dare to think of it submerged in that water. And by the time it might heal, I have my exams coming up, so we’ll see about swimming maybe next year 😉

 

 

 

 

The Nudging Guilt!

Monday morning- a normal day would be somewhat like….. Well, you know how it would be. But an abnormal and unanticipated Monday morning was what I had today.

It was a Monday morning, when I wake up at a time when you hardly can wish someone a ‘good morning’, when you are almost touching noon; a morning when I simply avoid work for no reason, a morning when I ignore my bundled up projects, and do not even give any heed to my college assignments; a morning when I am in no hurry despite being so late.

I sit and smile on my bed, for no explicit reason. Life hasn’t changed overnight, it is just what it was yesterday and I am just as tired dealing with it. But I don’t even want to deal with it now. I am simply breathing.

I go out for my morning cup of coffee, strolling in the cool and nonchalant weather outside. The rains from last night have kept the climate lovable and I relish every second of it, every micro second of it. I do not have my phone with me; I don’t even look at anyone only to avoid any sort of conversation, I am simply conscious, conscious of the fact that I am here, alive, and breathing.

Even the barista gives me a vague look observing me in my shorts, with the messed up hair, and that lingering look in my eyes. But I do not care.

I am simply breathing 😉

I return home, cancel all my plans, no work, no studies, no stress.

I go to the porch, sit on the bean bag and grab a book which I am yearning to read.

And then I am lost!

This was of course a perfect setting, the only, and the only single thing that kept fretting my mind, and which I kept dodging again and again was the constant nudging guilt; the guilt to disregard my work, the guilt to even overlook the projects, the assignments which have kept piling up. I have already missed my deadlines, I was already struggling, juggling to keep up, and yet here I was sitting and reading. Time was short but the work load kept piling up and despite being aware of it, I wasted the entire day. Not only did I brush-off my schedule, I kept propelling away that guilt too.

And at the end of the day, I don’t even regret it. I savoured the day of simply breathing, simply living.

Just, just the problem was that-constant-nudging-guilt!!

Dreams!!

 

Do dreams come true?

Before you say yes, let me make it clear that I am not talking about those dreams which we see through our eyes open, the dream of becoming someone, something, the dream of being with someone, of achieving something, the dream of going to some place. No, I am not talking about that.

I am talking about the dreams which come to you, unwanted, absolutely undesirable, and haunt you in the middle of the night, the kind of dream which leave you panting, breathless not with passionate excitement but with downright disgust and pain, the dream which makes you perspire like you have run a thousand miles only to discover that you are yet to reach your finfish line, and there are tons of people ahead of you.

I am not running, actually, I am just sitting on the bed, gasping for air, trying to breathe in that clammy air, but all I can do is clutch through the sheets and make myself believe that this was just a dream.

But then sometimes even dreams come true, I have heard. Even my dreams have come true at some point in my life. So what assurance do I have that this dream won’t come true? What if? And this what if kills me every single second.

I am not even considering the fact that this dream might come true. No, I don’t have that much courage in me. I will live in denial!!!!!

But the mere thought stabs my heart.

Then comes the theory that we dream what our mind thinks for most part of the day. I accept I have such disturbing thoughts throughout the day, try as I might, they won’t go. My mind is just not under my control. And so they control my days and even nights.

Just when I think that these thoughts are finally, under my control they come back with a different attire and style only to depress me. Just when I think that these dreams are beyond me, they return with an updated version. So for how long will they bounce back? How many years more will they keep coming back to me? Aren’t they tired of me? I sure am.

And so I lay there wondering, struggling for air, wanting someone, something, anything beside me to hold onto, to just make me believe that I am being irrational, that it is only a dream. But all I do instead is to struggle to even breathe and ask myself, ‘Do dreams come true?’

And if the good ones do then so can the dreadful ones, and if they do, then what?