I read this on the internet today, isn’t it just perfect?
I read this on the internet today, isn’t it just perfect?
“Aandhere me jo bhi dikhe, us se darr hi lagta hai.”
My friend said this to me yesterday. The literal translation of which is, “Anything that you see in the dark, is most certainly going to scare you.”
And somehow I find that that this friend is always right and meeting him for this occasional coffee proves more than just a cup of coffee. This is not the first time he has struck a one liner and stumped me. He does this time and again, sometimes only trying to be funny, and the other times, trying to compose my edgy nerves. And almost every time he succeeds in his intentions.
After he said this to me, I kept mulling over it, and I could only decipher its truth even more, after every passing second.
Isn’t he right? I mean sometimes does not the smallest of things bother you only because there is something else crucial going around? Doesn’t sometimes some incidents leave a mark on you more than they should, only because they came after a chain of unwanted events, shaking you? Do you not sometimes, feel scared only because something else is scaring you? Do you not feel scared in the darkness only because there is something uncertain? Do you not feel scared because there is nothing to see in that darkness? Do you not be scared only because you might be scared of the darkness? Are you not scared of being scared itself?
PS: I don’t know how much I make sense today to any one of you..
Monday morning- a normal day would be somewhat like….. Well, you know how it would be. But an abnormal and unanticipated Monday morning was what I had today.
It was a Monday morning, when I wake up at a time when you hardly can wish someone a ‘good morning’, when you are almost touching noon; a morning when I simply avoid work for no reason, a morning when I ignore my bundled up projects, and do not even give any heed to my college assignments; a morning when I am in no hurry despite being so late.
I sit and smile on my bed, for no explicit reason. Life hasn’t changed overnight, it is just what it was yesterday and I am just as tired dealing with it. But I don’t even want to deal with it now. I am simply breathing.
I go out for my morning cup of coffee, strolling in the cool and nonchalant weather outside. The rains from last night have kept the climate lovable and I relish every second of it, every micro second of it. I do not have my phone with me; I don’t even look at anyone only to avoid any sort of conversation, I am simply conscious, conscious of the fact that I am here, alive, and breathing.
Even the barista gives me a vague look observing me in my shorts, with the messed up hair, and that lingering look in my eyes. But I do not care.
I am simply breathing 😉
I return home, cancel all my plans, no work, no studies, no stress.
I go to the porch, sit on the bean bag and grab a book which I am yearning to read.
And then I am lost!
This was of course a perfect setting, the only, and the only single thing that kept fretting my mind, and which I kept dodging again and again was the constant nudging guilt; the guilt to disregard my work, the guilt to even overlook the projects, the assignments which have kept piling up. I have already missed my deadlines, I was already struggling, juggling to keep up, and yet here I was sitting and reading. Time was short but the work load kept piling up and despite being aware of it, I wasted the entire day. Not only did I brush-off my schedule, I kept propelling away that guilt too.
And at the end of the day, I don’t even regret it. I savoured the day of simply breathing, simply living.
Just, just the problem was that-constant-nudging-guilt!!
I am literally tired right now, not only mentally but also physically. My mind and my body fail to work anymore. I do not even wish to move a little bit more, even a very little to get what I want. I am at a point where I will just let it go, if anything has to go. I am simply tired.
Some might say that may be if I do not lose hope right now, if I do not let things go, maybe there is a possibility that I might get it right around the corner. Well, may be yes and may be no. I don’t even want to know the answer.
I am not losing hope, hope is what keeps us alive, I just do not want to wait and be restless any longer.
I am happy right here, with what I have and how I am.
What’s wrong with being content?
As of now, with my being exhausted and weary, I am spoiling myself, pampering with all the tasty food and loads of sleep, with cups and cups of coffee and books, with zero thoughts and a big reasonless smile. (The last time I did that I gained 10kgs, let’s see what happens this time 😉 )
And that is how I am awfully drained and yet content.
Morning newspaper and a cup of coffee.
Sometimes sheer pleasure and the other times, well, the other times the alarm is constantly being snoozed, leaving me no time to grab and cherish them.
I am participating in the Seven Days. Seven Black and White Photos of Your Life. No People. No Explanation. Challenge Someone New Each Day.
Today I nominate Gouri from https://shabdragini.wordpress.com/ for this pictorial challenge. (No compulsion)
It was 3 am in the morning; my room was eerily silent, disturbing all my thoughts. Could silence do that? The only sound that pierced my ears was of the crickets hiding somewhere outside my balcony. I wonder why I even keep it open all the time. But that’s the habit I have grown accustomed to, I keep it open no matter what, even my parents are tired of that habit now.
So anyways, I was seated at my study, glaring deep into the bright light of my laptop screen, my fingers hovering above the keyboard, just hovering and not clicking. I had been doing it for a long time now, writing and erasing, writing and erasing, and I had been nowhere. The paper was due the next day, and yet I had nothing!
Creative writing, huh? Too easy? Now I know what’s easy and what’s not!
I stood, walking away, may be a walk could solve my problems? Who was I kidding? At 3, I would be scared even I type faster than usual; I would be scared even if my phone vibrated, let alone ring. I just stepped away from my table, and paced inside of my room, poking the pencil onto my head, as if it was a magic wand. I paced faster trying to exert myself.
Wait what? By walking? Of course not so I started doing stretches, jumping, lying down on the cool floor, anything, and anything that my crazy sleepless mind could set at work.
I stood up and refilled my cup of coffee, took a sip from the cup and rubbed my hand on my face. I even slapped myself the ‘wake up slap’. I mean common I had to do something.
I read a couple of articles on the internet then, I also googled things which were not required instantly, and which might be helpful, I read newspapers, believe me not just yesterdays’, the whole weeks. I went back to my novel diverting myself completely.
And yet, nothing!
And that’s’ when I realised that it was next day, it was already 6 and I might have missed today’s newspaper. I rushed outside, got the morning newspaper from outside and scanned it entirely in a hurry. And yet, nothing!
And then I kept flicking all the newspapers and articles in front of me. It was then that, an article entitled “Feminism bleeds blue” caught me and after reading it for three to four times I asked myself, why am I even reading it again and again?
I already knew what I had to write, and how and when? Then why was I wasting my time? I had none to spare.
What I wrote was not anything related to that particular article, really nothing about cricket, nothing about feminism, but something related to women. And as soon as I booted my computer again, opened the word file, words just came flowing by. And I was as stunned myself. Where were they hiding all night?
In no time I completed the paper and as soon as I hit send, I gathered that had my mind worked a little faster I wouldn’t have to be troubled the entire night. But no, it was waiting for some signal, I guess.
So today was very important, it wad the first reason that the trip was even planned. I am sorry I might keep it a bit vague.
My day started at 7 in the morning. After the long tiring days, I knew this one awaited me too. It hf to be exhausting. But this time I was prepared. I took a long cold shower after which I went to the hotel’s dining room. Bread toast, cornflakes, a cup of coffee and orange juice was served to me even before I told them. I took my time, eating and planning for the day. I was still wondering if Mr. R would make it on time. Mr. R is my buddy, an all time saviour. He lives four hours away from where I have travelled, and the fact that he did travel so much for me, must make it clear that we are special for each other. At least I think so.
I did not call him, I did not want to be a trouble for him, constantly bugging him. I hailed a cab and went to the work myself, and what could be better thanMr. R waiting for me there.
I am telling you, I understand that that these officials have to follow the rules but sometimes it gets too difficult for us, who do not even understand the basic. I guess they could be more supportive, at least talk politely rather than shouting at us. Still, the people here were way better and helping than some places which clearly were unhospitable to me, always. All the paper work and everything left me busy till 5:30 in the evening after which Mr. R and I went for a cup of coffee.
I was so relieved that a part of the trip was already successful and that someone was with me there. A couple of other works and then we both headed to our hotel. It was dinner time by then o we headed straight to the dining room and ate in peace.
Well, it wasn’t the end though. We left for another place post dinner. And that’s how we went on to meet the other Mr. and Miss’. I don’t know how it is going to end, but I guess it would be satifactory.
PS: I don’t know how this trip is going to end, but I intend to share it here. Sorry in advance, if this turns out to be a rather unsatisfactory.