Tag Archives: constant struggle

Helpless.

I feel helpless today.

So helpless,

As helpless as I haven’t felt in a long time.

As helpless, as I think I can never feel.

The epitome of helplessness.

And yet, I feel this can go on,

On and on for quite a while.

And yet I feel that I can feel even more helpless.

But what could be more than this, I wonder?

Because, this what I feel today, is beyond my ways of expressions.

This what I feel today is beyond my perception,

This is beyond me.

And yet I know not, what to do. And yet I know not how much more helpless can I feel.

Because this feels more than enough,

More than what I thought I could take.

 

I thought I am doing my best

But even the best seems less than the best.

Nothing seems to be working,

Everything keeps coming,

And I feel helpless.

 

I thought I could take it,

I thought I could do something,

But now, depite all the efforts,

I feel helpless.

 

I feel as helpless as I would have felt in

Drowning into that ocean,

Without knowing how to swim.

Just like her.

People usually have role-model, whose footsteps they wish to follow, like whom they want to become one day, on whom they write essay in school stating why they want to become like them, why according to them they are so perfect.

I for one never had a role model. I am sorry but I never did. Instead all throughout I knew that there was one person that I would try and avoid being. Why? How? Please don’t ask but I know that I never wanted to end up like her, nor do I want to now.

And so began the quest of not being like her. But then how much can a person change herself? The more I try not being like her, the more I find that I am the exact replica of her, the good, and the bad everything has been inherited from her. I am just the spitting image that I thought I never would be.

And then again the struggle starts of not being like her. But how long can this go? And what about not changing yourself? But then what about not being like her?

What I think v/s what I say

My mind: oh my God, I am really in trouble. What am I going to do about my job, about my studies, about my life?

Me: oh! I am fine.

My mind: the world is so complex, if only I could understand its elements. That would be so nice. Has God really lived a life of human? Who was the first human being in the planet? How come no one else has any doubts about anything and I keep wondering stupid questions about earth and planet and stuff?

Me: oh no! It’s okay! Everything is simple; I know Adam and eve were the first humans on planet.

My mind (when reading a book): oh my! This character is so intense. She is always confused and falls in love with almost every other person. She is so strong that her words might just fashion holes in your heart. I am in love with this character; I wish I could be just like her. I could do anything to be like her. If only I would have the patience like this woman, oh well but I don’t. So is it possible that I remain single all my life unlike her? Oh no! That can’t be I will do all my best to be the best like her. I will be strong and adamant, confident and, and whatever she is, but I will not fail. Sure I will not.

Me: oh this character is so beautiful and strong, I wish I could be like her.

Well, I think you get what I am trying to say. Can any of you relate to this? Please tell me. Or is it only me that do things like these? I wish I could dredge up something more from my memory but I can’t. This is the most that I could remember and recall. But is it too difficult to remember everything? I mean every time I am in a fight I would ponder about saying things like this. !$#%$^Y^**&(^&^#$# but would end up saying something like <”?>. oh if only I could do something better.

Sometimes I would think of writing about something and in my mind there would be 10 thousand thoughts and judgments but what I’d end up writing would be a small and rudimentary article on the topic.

Oh dear, help me.

PS: I think this is some small joke played on us 😉

Image: google