Tag Archives: emotions

A Thousand Splendid Suns.

A Thousand Splendid Suns by khaled Hosseini is about a 15 year old Miriam, married and sent to Kabul without her will. Her entire life is a struggle against patriarchy, starvation, violence and brutality and a fear that lurks constantly over her.

 

While the plot sounds truly traumatic the heroism that is portrayed despite the hindrances is startling. In spite of being subjected to so much torture and hopelessness, Mariam is defiant and doesn’t give up till the end.

 

The first time I read this, I cried the entire night. The book had just come out and I was only a part time reader, the one who picks up a book when someone would recommend me, or when I’d really be bored, or when I’d come across a book and I’d really be interested in the plot. My teacher recommended me this. She had seen me reading now and again, trying to divert myself from every other stuff going on in my life. She saw me reading and she gave me this and one other collection of short stories.

 

I came home, as lost as always and dove right in. I didn’t get up even for dinner. I didn’t care for dinner when a little girl almost as young as me was being beaten, who shed blood like water form her body, who had no hope left in her life, no love; no one. Isolation was her only friend.

 

This was fiction. Why was I crying? I think I was moved beyond repair.

 

Since then I have read this book time and again. Every time I devour the pages of this book, I cry just the same. I don’t know about others, but this book does something different to me. You might not find this to be so poignant but I did then, and I do still.

 

Then, why do I keep picking this up, again and again?

 

This book taught me that fiction could do things to you, sometimes more than reality. This book taught me that somewhere between the pages I could lose myself. This book taught me that words are powerful. This book taught me so much more and it was with this book that I fell in love with reading and eventually writing.

 

Then, why am I doing this review now? Because I read Sea Prayer! by the same author a few days back and it ignited all those long lost memories of the book. I didn’t know even tears bring nostalgia. And because I read a sea prayer I was drawn to this book too, again. It took all my might to stay away from this one, only because I have been reading four books simultaneously and all cry for my attention. And among all those I really shouldn’t have started this one. Start, I did!

 

And I forgot the rest for a while. I don’t know how my self-control has gotten so weak but it has and honestly, I don’t regret it.

 

A Thousand Splendid Suns is dear to me, despite all its hardships and tears that the protagonist and I go through side by side. And I love the book. I love The Sea Prayer, The Kite Runner, and I liked And the Mountains Echoed too, but this is exceptional. It holds a different place. I am not saying this is my ‘favorite’ book, you must know me better than this, that I truly cannot pick one favorite book from so many. I can only say it is dear to me.

 

This being posted on the National Book Lovers Day is just another cherry for me. But then again what is this kind of celebration to someone who reads and reads only to be alive?

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Illusion or Authenticity!

I dreamt

I dreamt of beautiful things

I dreamt with open eyes.

All my life I was taught

To dream big

Fly high

And so with open eyes

I dreamt of open skies.

Of peace, calm

And of little love.

I have dreamt of inane faith

And believed

That everything will find its way.
Oh- I pictured everything

Of what I wanted

Of dreams that kept me haunted.

What and how and why and when

I thought of everything

That will in reality

Happen again.

The smiles

Engraved

The twinkling eyes

Unscathed

Like a novice, I was in my imagination,

Engaged!

I dreamt of everything

Didn’t leave anything.

Every tiny detail

From today, tomorrow,

And yesterday.

Oh- I sinned.

Oh- I dreamt big.

Dreams don’t come true

Now reality will

Teasingly bite on you.

But wait-

It all came true.

It all did.

What and how and why and when

Every magical kiss again

Everything the way

My open eyes had engraved.

No detail left

And love no more bereft.

Only, there was a little alteration

Everything happened

The way it was meant to be.

The way my heart wanted to see.

But for that one little thing

A tiny little fling.

The dream did come true

Just the way I had thought through

Only-

Only when it came to reality

The dream was not meant for me.

The what

The how

The why

The when

All became a living reality

Only not for me.

Someone else came in a swift

And lived my dream

Instead of me.

Was it not

My dream?

It all happened

Just the way I wanted

But I did not live it.

Jealousy and anger- My sin

I am only human after all.

For years I pined for those wings

And just as I was about

To touch them

Someone came and plucked them away.

My dream

Shattering into million little pieces

Tears brewing in my hollow eyes

But I can’t move.

The dream is all I had

Towards which I slogged

And with that gone

I am nothing but a meek fawn.

I am only a human after all

Succumbing to a painful fall

Lost in an empty desert

Where, in darkness

I howl, “It hurt.”

A blackballed blizzard.

Like the oceans galore

My feelings remain

Like the prisoners of war.

 

Concealed

Hushed

Dejected.

 

Like the waves tumultuous

My thoughts remain

Secretively voluptuous.

 

Melancholic

Wretched

Rising from the purgatory.

 

Like the looming storm

Burdened, heavy

Burning my eyes like a sandstorm.

 

Hesitantly swarming in my chest

I have locked them up

Leaving myself bereft.

 

Do not try your pretending words, balmy

For they are raging inside

Threatening to surrender like a Tsunami.

 

 

Suppressed Vehemence.

You said it was love,

And I believed in you and called it love-

I fused in you

And lost all I had.

 

I loved you with all I had

And you deceived me with all you could

All I claimed was, you to love me too

And all you did was betrayed me with all my feelings too.

 

But what could I have expected,

I wanted sunshine and rains and winters

I wanted all-

But unknowingly I entered a silent brawl.

 

I wronged myself, in believing in you

For I think I demanded sunshine off the morning dew,

It’s not your fault, as rains only provide thunder

And a snowfall in scorching summers would only be a wonder.

 

The Disguised Innocence.

She was walking alone, dazed, on a torturous esplanade

Fighting battles that she didn’t know existed within,

Shaky, confused, confounded

Adrift amidst her own gloomy labyrinth.

 

Having abandoned her modest attire

The saree, the simplicity, long discarded,

Adorning herself in skirts, she became a voracious liar

Determining to no more forsake her heart unguarded.

 

With an extra layer of seething gory kohl

She strived to camouflage her inner sufferings,

The dark lips concealing the agony, the rage exalted at a knoll

While her innocence, her honesty;

Secretively yet commandingly tumbling.

 

She thought she’d garner and hoard her emotions

Pretending to be strong, while her insides shivered,

But her eyes failed her miserably deceiving all notions

Pulling her into an emotional whirlwind blizzard.

 

She was determined to make herself be loathed

Pining to remain abandoned, isolated and lone,

Yearning for no one to heal her soul

Hardly discerning that in a stance he’ll come

And all her aches will be enthroned.

 

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Please, please just let me be…

Please don’t come again.

I am good, if not at best, without you.

Please just go away.

Please, just let me be.

 

It was really difficult

To disentangle from your black chains,

It was claustrophobic

To always be in your embrace.

 

When you are around

I am not happy,

I am not myself,

I am someone I never want to be.

 

Even your shadows are too dark.

When you are around,

I can barely see straight,

It is all just a maddening gaze.

 

When you are around

Every single thing is black,

Every thing is not beautiful,

Every single thing is not acceptable.

 

Even the smallest thing disturbs me,

Every petty thing gets on me.

I cry and crib over every insignificant thing,

I try and trip over every attempt of smiling.

 

When you are around

My friends turn to enemies,

And I try to find solace in those frenemies,

Failing at the attempt of even breathing.

 

I just can’t see through anything.

My vision blurs

And it is difficult even breathing

I drown and drown absolutely giving in.

 

I have told you,

Please don’t come back

My vision blurs

And I see only black.

 

It is very difficult

To disentangle from your black embrace.

It is always choking

To be tied to your steely embrace.

 

Please, please don’t come back

I am good, if not at best without you.

Please just go away,

Please, please just let me be.

 

PS: Before anyone asks, this is not dedicated to anyone. So the ‘you’ in the above poem is not a person, if it can be called a poem at all.