Tag Archives: emotions

Please, please just let me be…

Please don’t come again.

I am good, if not at best, without you.

Please just go away.

Please, just let me be.

 

It was really difficult

To disentangle from your black chains,

It was claustrophobic

To always be in your embrace.

 

When you are around

I am not happy,

I am not myself,

I am someone I never want to be.

 

Even your shadows are too dark.

When you are around,

I can barely see straight,

It is all just a maddening gaze.

 

When you are around

Every single thing is black,

Every thing is not beautiful,

Every single thing is not acceptable.

 

Even the smallest thing disturbs me,

Every petty thing gets on me.

I cry and crib over every insignificant thing,

I try and trip over every attempt of smiling.

 

When you are around

My friends turn to enemies,

And I try to find solace in those frenemies,

Failing at the attempt of even breathing.

 

I just can’t see through anything.

My vision blurs

And it is difficult even breathing

I drown and drown absolutely giving in.

 

I have told you,

Please don’t come back

My vision blurs

And I see only black.

 

It is very difficult

To disentangle from your black embrace.

It is always choking

To be tied to your steely embrace.

 

Please, please don’t come back

I am good, if not at best without you.

Please just go away,

Please, please just let me be.

 

PS: Before anyone asks, this is not dedicated to anyone. So the ‘you’ in the above poem is not a person, if it can be called a poem at all.

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A Writer Without Words!

Today, they introduced me as a writer, and honestly, I did not see that coming. People keep telling me, that I am a writer, but there is some part of me that still does not believe that.

Anyways so there I was being introduced as a writer, and then the irony struck me. The very same morning I was struggling with words to describe what I was feeling, and I failed. Then I tried completing my assignments, failed! And then I started working on a fictional plot, at which I failed again.

I am not talking about the writers’ block, I kept writing, I kept taking notes, I kept typing, but I was not satisfied with it, I still felt that the feelings were unclear, and what I was saying were mere words. But if they were words, then why was I feeling the absence of emotions. And if I had words, then was I not a writer after all? But then only putting words isn’t a writers job, his job is to bring even fiction to reality. So where was I going wrong?

I had words, but still I felt I was not a writer.

On second thoughts, I felt I did not even have the words, all I had was the feeling, the love, the hatred, required for being a writer. The words that I say I wrote, were not mine, they did not justify how I felt, how I wanted things to come out, they simply did a job of being portrayed as a writer’s work. They were just there on paper.

So now, I did not even have words, and yet I was a writer?

 

Confusional Emotions!!

How do emotions work?

Yeah, you heard me right, yes, I am asking about the workings of emotion. As simple as  it might sound to you, I am at a loss when it comes to it’s answer. How exactly do they work?

For most of the ‘normal people’ it works as laughter with happiness and a dam full of tears with sadness, rage with anger and confusion with bewilderment. And yet I fail to adapt to this very simple fact and working of a heart. This makes me wonder, do I even have a heart like any other normal person? Well, of course I have one, but surely it is ill-positioned and ill functioning. It is definitely not where it should have been.

Why this sudden burst of thoughts? I have no idea. Most of the times I don’t know how to deal with them and as any other person I live in denial, till they subside a little and finally I can deal with them.

I don’t know why and how this happens with me, but sometimes when I should be really confused about a serious decision, I know the answer instead. It is absolutely straight to me as to what should I do, and I have my judgments clear. (So far so good, never been in trouble; fingers crossed)

Then when I should be really angry at someone, I let it go. I don’t even give it much of a thought. I am told by people again and again, that it is a wrong decision, but I let it go. Morals win over, I guess. I don’t know, I just don’t even feel angry then or what. But then suddenly the very same person does something which is really insignificant this time, but I think my patience has been tried enough, and I burst…. I burst till I have nothing left inside and I simply let out my anger over that inconsequential matter. Where do my morals go then? (I ask this because I can be really mean when I am angry; when I am angry and I lose it. I will admit that I get angry easily, but I don’t lose it so soon, I guess those are two different things.)

When I should be really upset or sad about anything, people are tensed to their nerves beside me, and I have to forcefully stifle a laugh. I mean why, how?? Why will I want to laugh at a crucial time? (Get my dilemma?)

Yes, this next thing is going to be hilarious. When I should be smiling and laughing and be really happy, I have to supress my sobs. And I roll my eyes and ask myself “really?”

This happened just yesterday, when I was reading (Yes simply reading, not even a real life situation) and I had to conquer over few stray tears. What I was reading was something too sweet, too beautiful, too happy (too good to be true) and yet there I was gripping my fist, scratching my toes, trying to stop myself from crying.

So back to my question, how do emotions work? Or should I ask why I am so weird? (Rolling my eyes constantly at the second question)

Changes.

Nothing is permanent, except change.

 

Change is the only constant.

 

Things change in life.

 

People come and go.

 

These simple words refuse to sit within my irate mind and destroy its peace. Is it so difficult to grasp these simple facts and live with it?

 

Yes, I know I am being unreasonable, I am and I can’t help it. And you know what, I want to be. For a little while I want to be this super childish person who is for once, just for a little while allowed to make all unnecessary and unreasonable demands. I don’t expect them to get fulfilled, I know they can’t, I juts want them to be there, for a while be the not so mature person.

 

I know things have to change, for good or for worse, I know these people have to go, whether I like it or not, but just for once I want to sit back and whine a little. Because however hard I pretend and try to feel that all of it doesn’t matter, in reality it does. Yes, it does matter.

 

There, I said it. It all matters, it all hurts, and I don’t like it.

 

Having said that, I also understand that I can’t control everything, neither do I want to. I also realize that I will very soon learn to have these changes in my life. I understand that I will accept these changes whole-heartedly, and very soon these things wouldn’t even matter. But until then I want to sit back, lie down, and just for once admit these feelings to myself. For once I want to let myself cry and laugh and do whatever I wish to. I will move on, I just want a little more time to adjust to this change.

 

 

Words!

Words are important.

What I wrote above are just three words, but if I sit and think about it, it is as significant as words for me.

A person really needs to think what he is saying before he speaks those words out, before it is too late. You cannot take back those words.

Words are a person’s thoughts, his mind, you can really make a person feel loved by them or you can break a person too.

Words are simply significant.

For me words are my feelings, my heart, my soul, my truth. Whatever language they may be in, it doesn’t matter, words are words, and they are me.

I speak very less in person, I like to listen more. (Because most of the time the other person does not like to listen.). But there is a reason I speak less. I think I have no right judging and forcing my views on others. This does not mean I keep things to myself, I let my feelings out too, but in a more measured and careful way. I can’t just bring myself to destroy the other’s belief, right or wrong. May be I overthink this too, as I overthink everything else, but when someone tells me something, I believe it, when someone is rude with his words, I tend to get hurt, or I think I get over-hurt; when someone says something nice to me, I get over-joyed, all because I love the words they have said. I give so much importance to those words, when in actuality they could do with a little less paparazzi. (Only to avoid getting overjoyed and over-destroyed)

But what can I say, I may be an emotional fool to say that words touch me where people fail to.

Words are significant to me.

They touch my soul.

 

“Your Eyes Speak, Darling!”

It is often advised not to build a business with a friend or a relative, because one of them will never flourish. And the ever adamant person that I am, I will go and definitely do that.

A few years ago I met this person, who initially was abhorred by me but when I got to know him, I realised I was so wrong, completely wrong. And that’s how our friendship began. I had stopped expecting anything out of any relationship by then and so this began as a general acquaintance for me which inadvertently took to a really good friendship. I still didn’t expect anything out of it. When I say ‘expect’ all I mean is that I didn’t expect him to do anything for me, I didn’t expect him to really bother for me or I had no intention in worrying him. I am short of words here.. do you get it? What I am trying to say.

Anyways, so we became good friends and really good friends for that matter where there is no scope of any kind of romantic relationship from both the sides (thankfully). And then after a while we started working together.

I got to know him even better.

Since this is a work-friend relationship we make sure we decide primarily when we are talking as friends, and when as co-workers. But of course many a times we divert ways and so far it has never been ugly.

Today, I met this person after a few days and we were discussing work over a cup of coffee. We were almost done, when I caught him staring at me, more so like glaring at me. My mind went blank, why was he not focused at what I was saying. And I had to snap at him to bring him out of his reverie.

We simply discussed work and as soon as we got finished with it, he blurted out, “Why don’t you go out somewhere? You are truly disturbed and in an objectionable amount of pain.”

I was flummoxed. I almost stammered which is really unlike me and then decided to keep shut, pretending to drink my coffee.

“You go on a leave; you are stressed and really burdened with work, a break would help you.”

We weren’t even discussing anything personal. We were discussing work for God’s sake. How would he know anything about my life right now? I gulped another sip of coffee and stared blankly at him.

“You deserve it,” With that I knew he wouldn’t say anything further.

I knew I had to say something, I couldn’t let him waver. He is my friend too and I owed him an answer. But what?

My hands are wrapped in a fist, and he smiles. Fuck! He does know me well.

I let go of my hands and say “But how would you know any of that?” trying to sound confident and challenging.

Who was I kidding?

“Your eyes speak, darling.”

And just that way, my eyes grew bigger and I gulped down air as fast as I could. He knows me from my eyes? How? Really? Is that possible?

He didn’t ask me anything further; he knew I would never say. I never do. I just shut myself down from emotions. And he left me with that thought.

We finished our coffee, and I diverted him with my tactics, I bombarded him with my questions about him, and made it all about him and I won! We were soon into his problems and how he was dealing with them. We left soon.

He dropped me home as a friend, reminding me to make some work calls as a co-worker. But my mind kept wondering. I didn’t ‘expect’ anything from him. And yet he proved to be really a good friend. Well, more than a good friend.

You just don’t lose these kind of people, whoever they are, and whatever kind of relationship you have with them, you just don’t. They are too special to lose.

 

That Playful Drop of Water!

One of the perks of living in a small city is, you are almost always close to nature, especially when your city is known to be clean and green. I cannot say that this is the cleanest of all but when compared to all the other cities that I have been in, my city is unquestionably clean and green for that matter.

I mention one of the perks above, because the other one is extremely less traffic, which helps me to go on long drives even during the day. Today was one such day where I had the exceptional chance to delight in and devour the gorgeous and deadly amalgamation of nature’s tricks.

I was on my way to let’s say ‘someplace’ when unexpectedly and yet incessantly my inner goddess was screaming at me to divert ways. And I am a fan of her, my inner goddess, you know. I just cannot desert her. After all she is the one who stays with me, always; my constant and unbroken support even when I don’t listen to her and make wrong decisions. And so, I avert ways.

Where? I don’t know but I do what she says and instantly I am drawn to the most secluded part of the city. I don’t know what I am doing, and where am I going, all I know is I am driving. I am driving to the most serene part of the city, and to the most magnificent part of the day.

And suddenly I am unerringly aware of my surroundings.

There are two roads diverging in front of me, and I take the one that is less crowded 😉

I am driving at a very measured speed. I am in no hurry and I am instantly overwhelmed by the towering trees on both sides of the road, making it difficult to even look at the sky, the daunting sky!

Leisurely, I stop my vehicle and park it in a corner. There is a bench on the corner of the road and I sit there for a while. I breathe. The smell is so fresh, that I close my eyes and get drunk with it. I am already losing consciousness. But the mere sight of my inner goddess dancing and scowling at me makes me instantly aware. I am aware, surprisingly well aware of a glorious sunset, right in front of me, where the road seems to end, where I can see something more than those intimidating trees, where I can see the hint of a sky, an orange sky where the sun is setting at its own pace. It seems to me like a horizon, a place to where I want to walk. I know I cannot reach there, but the prospect is enticing.

The place is disturbingly secluded, but I am okay with it. Slowly, I walk to the middle of the road, where I can see the slightest hint of that orange hue from midst of those trees and look up.

It is so beautiful that I want to keep staring, keep soaring. But even Icarus was rewarded for soaring too high. I shut my eyes after a long time, and look down, and yet there is a deep auburn and bright echo inside my sealed eyes.

Just then, when I thought I had listened enough to my inner goddess and should head back, a chilled drop of water fell on my neck, and ran through my back, sending shivers down my spine.

Oh, the shivers that it gave me, taking me completely by surprise!

I shot up, glaring wide-eyed right at the sky.

Questions squirming.

Mixed feelings.

Dancing emotions

And a thrilled inner goddess.

I smiled!

And just as my smile brightened at that inconsistent and erratic sky; another drop of that startling water touched the corner of my mouth, running down my chin, further down my neck and finally mingling with the musk of my breast.

Oh, the feeling, the sensation that it passed through me.

A small bead of that water making me squirm?

There were butterflies all around.

White trivial flowers were thrown across the path, below the trees.

And then it started drizzling!

I have never loved rain so much.

Never!!

I let myself soak in that cool and unseasonal rain and I don’t care about being drenched.

Listlessly, not wanting to go; not wanting to let go of that pleasing picture, I move.

I start driving, nearing the horizon, that which seemed remote and distant; unreachable.

I am driving as slow as I can balance, as slow as I can allow myself to believe that I am moving forward. I just don’t want to let go of that spectacle, but neither do I want to reach that skyline.

And just when I am nearing the end, just when I feel I am losing those looming tress, I see some colours. It’s not blue of the rains, and it is not orange of that blinding sun.

It is every single colour of the rainbow!

I can see it, I can almost feel it, and now even I am dancing in my mind. My heart is in my mouth, and I am euphoric.

What more could I possible want in that moment?

 

I can see all the colours right in front of me. And what I feel and what I see is beyond words.

In that moment, I don’t want to move, I don’t want to go forward, I want to be there. Simply be there.

I am static now, my head slightly tilted to the left, admiring every inch of nature, wind gushing my senses, splattering locks of my untamed hair on my face.

And in that moment, there is a small salty droplet dripping from my eyes, caressing my skin, inking my cheeks, warming it with its sensations that I had not felt in a long while.

And suddenly I am alive!