Tag Archives: fear

The Arrested Fear.

I am sitting

Huddled among my friends

Or beside my love

But I am sitting

And I am laughing, talking.

I am happy.

Or so I thought-

For I was sure, sitting

But I was alone

Where did he go?

Why did the people leave me?

I was confused

Scared.

And then I saw someone

A pair of innocent black eyes

Walking towards me

Callously strolling,

A flicker of smile

Spread across his handsome face.

His bare chest

Trailing down to a carved V

Ending right above the

Loose white pair of trousers.

His pace quickens

And his eyes aren’t innocent anymore.

His smile isn’t handsome anymore.

And I get up and run.

I run.

But where do I run?

Somehow, I am on a five inch wide railing

And he is walking on it,

Towards me.

But I can’t walk.

I can barely stand straight.

He is walking.

And I am freezing.

I realize- I need to get away

And so I shut my eyes

And jump.

But there is nowhere to jump.

There is no railing

There is no falling

There is nothing.

But then where am I standing?

I open my eyes in a hurry

To find all blurry.

He is still walking towards me

And I am still there

Somewhere!

I need to run, I remind myself

So I run.

I am running back

To there

As far as I can see

And he is inches away from me

Devoid of any hurry

But full of innocence

And if there is innocence

Then why am I running away?

But I run.

I still run

Panting

Tired

Without a sense

I run.

There is a pleading noise from behind me

But I am so scared

I still run

And then there is nothing

Except for a log jump

Off the elongated sky

And then there are

Stairs.

So I run off them

Two at a time.

I keep going down

I run without a breath

Devoid of a thought

Panting

Sweating

Trembling

With fear.

And after about a hundred stairs

I am blocked.

There are four walls

No doors.

And I beat myself against each one of them

None moves.

I try again.

I am terrified.

Horrified.

I am tired.

I here a meek laughter from above

But I see no one.

There is nothing.

And I am trapped.

But how am I trapped

When there is nothing?

Yet, here I am

Eyes aghast

Fear gripping every inch of my body

The faint innocent eyes hiding

My soul writhing in agony

The dream subsiding the depravity.

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A Dormant Warriors’ Wound.

My father’s friend

His brother,

Whose daughter

For me a complete stranger.

 

A 19 something girl

Docile but not fragile,

A smart intelligent girl

Who was just beginning to rise.

 

Staying in an urban city

Away from her parents and family,

She was inching towards her dream

Wanting her achievements to scream.

 

One wintry day, she caught a fever

Nothing much, may be just cough and cold,

A week went by and she lost consciousness

Her family flew to her in all concomitance.

 

A few days in the hospital

And al fell well,

She came back with a little wiggle

To spend some time with family and friends; just like a Belle.

 

A one moth went by

Laughing and living,

And she was preparing to bid god by

Giving slightest thought towards existing.

 

But wait what________

Hospitals and ambulances and doctors and nurses?

Blood freezing in the brains?

Paralytic attacks?

 

But, wait what_________

Coma, you say?

Mind not working

But the heart beating?

 

But, wait what________

The heartbeat stopped?

The body fell rigid

And_______ The End!

 

The father shocked

The brother denies

Her mother

_____She simply cried.

 

Words and consolations are provided

But how could it ever work?

Pity and tears were shared

But the family from inside- was broke.

 

I didn’t realize

Why did it affect me so much?

I had never even met the person

Then why did I lose myself and cry?

 

It bothered me so much

It shook me so much,

I hid myself and cried

I didn’t know how her folks even tried.

 

But the cliché says- the show must go on

But they say- a woman is too sentimental,

But they say_ we draw others troubles and make them their own

Why do you want to mend yourself when the

Wound is not your own.

 

And so I smile

I gather myself and I go to work,

Doing about everything without a murk

But adding to my heart yet another mark of vile.

 

But the wounds is not my own

So I must be left with a little brawn,

And so I begin again to walk the paths of unknown

Welcoming what He next throws from His throne.

 

And because, it was

My fathers’ friends,

His brother, whose daughter

For me a complete stranger.

 

I am just a little shaken

And I know I will reawaken,

I just cannot begin to think

Of the horrendous gloom on them befallen.

 

But since it’s not my wound

What have I to lose_____

She, to me was a complete stranger

But I hope for her to be her own avenger.

 

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This NAPOWRIMO thing, great so far, I mean to say I am enjoying it. But there is something I have to say now. More like get it out because I can’t keep it in anymore, and also I think if I get it out and share with everyone else, I might as well take things seriously. So last November, I don’t know what happened and I started writing poetry, just for the sake of writing them and many of them still remain unpublished. But Come Jan, I decided that I will try and write one poetry every single day and may be after a few months I will have something I will want to publish, more like I will try to publish. So far, I have stuck with the resolution, of course poetry doesn’t flow every day, but still have stuck with the plan, going against it only occasionally. I really, really want to publish something I write, I don’t care if it’s published by a publishing house or it is self published, but I want that to happen. As I say this now, here, only to make myself more committed towards this, so that I start taking it more seriously. nothing else.

So far, the poetries that involved the Napowrimo, (Except this one) were meant for my book, so if you have read them you can tell me if at all it could ‘EVER’ amount to anything.

In true anticipation of your reviews!!

And please be as much critical as you can be. I will work on whatever is wrong with my work, or me 😉

Please, please just let me be…

Please don’t come again.

I am good, if not at best, without you.

Please just go away.

Please, just let me be.

 

It was really difficult

To disentangle from your black chains,

It was claustrophobic

To always be in your embrace.

 

When you are around

I am not happy,

I am not myself,

I am someone I never want to be.

 

Even your shadows are too dark.

When you are around,

I can barely see straight,

It is all just a maddening gaze.

 

When you are around

Every single thing is black,

Every thing is not beautiful,

Every single thing is not acceptable.

 

Even the smallest thing disturbs me,

Every petty thing gets on me.

I cry and crib over every insignificant thing,

I try and trip over every attempt of smiling.

 

When you are around

My friends turn to enemies,

And I try to find solace in those frenemies,

Failing at the attempt of even breathing.

 

I just can’t see through anything.

My vision blurs

And it is difficult even breathing

I drown and drown absolutely giving in.

 

I have told you,

Please don’t come back

My vision blurs

And I see only black.

 

It is very difficult

To disentangle from your black embrace.

It is always choking

To be tied to your steely embrace.

 

Please, please don’t come back

I am good, if not at best without you.

Please just go away,

Please, please just let me be.

 

PS: Before anyone asks, this is not dedicated to anyone. So the ‘you’ in the above poem is not a person, if it can be called a poem at all.

Dreams!!

 

Do dreams come true?

Before you say yes, let me make it clear that I am not talking about those dreams which we see through our eyes open, the dream of becoming someone, something, the dream of being with someone, of achieving something, the dream of going to some place. No, I am not talking about that.

I am talking about the dreams which come to you, unwanted, absolutely undesirable, and haunt you in the middle of the night, the kind of dream which leave you panting, breathless not with passionate excitement but with downright disgust and pain, the dream which makes you perspire like you have run a thousand miles only to discover that you are yet to reach your finfish line, and there are tons of people ahead of you.

I am not running, actually, I am just sitting on the bed, gasping for air, trying to breathe in that clammy air, but all I can do is clutch through the sheets and make myself believe that this was just a dream.

But then sometimes even dreams come true, I have heard. Even my dreams have come true at some point in my life. So what assurance do I have that this dream won’t come true? What if? And this what if kills me every single second.

I am not even considering the fact that this dream might come true. No, I don’t have that much courage in me. I will live in denial!!!!!

But the mere thought stabs my heart.

Then comes the theory that we dream what our mind thinks for most part of the day. I accept I have such disturbing thoughts throughout the day, try as I might, they won’t go. My mind is just not under my control. And so they control my days and even nights.

Just when I think that these thoughts are finally, under my control they come back with a different attire and style only to depress me. Just when I think that these dreams are beyond me, they return with an updated version. So for how long will they bounce back? How many years more will they keep coming back to me? Aren’t they tired of me? I sure am.

And so I lay there wondering, struggling for air, wanting someone, something, anything beside me to hold onto, to just make me believe that I am being irrational, that it is only a dream. But all I do instead is to struggle to even breathe and ask myself, ‘Do dreams come true?’

And if the good ones do then so can the dreadful ones, and if they do, then what?

What Do You Do?

What do you do when something occupies too much of your time, too much of the space in your already overthinking mind?

What do you do when things that happen are absolutely out of your control?

What do you do when there are only negative thoughts, and more destructive thoughts making home in your heart and mind?

Needless to say the first suggestion would be to talk things out, to share your woes and doubts with people who care about you.

You pray and hope, and calm your mind but those little evil people are trapped within you.

Then comes the idea of writing your feelings down, word by word. Writers often tend to this technique to cure the ache.

But you see, when desperation kicks in, you go as far as writing your frame of mind and even burning the sheet down to mere ashes; repeatedly!

What do you do when despite all the efforts, those thoughts and feelings stick with you?

What do you do when your thoughts are absolutely out of control? When those thoughts, pains you like a piercing needle, slowly seeping blood out?

What do you do when you can take no more?

What do you do when nothing helps, and even the thoughts (the fact that it is not happening in reality, it is only a thought and a feeling in my head is significant here) shatter you to the core?

What do you when you can’t face the consequences of those thoughts?