Tag Archives: gloom

Confusional Emotions!!

How do emotions work?

Yeah, you heard me right, yes, I am asking about the workings of emotion. As simple as  it might sound to you, I am at a loss when it comes to it’s answer. How exactly do they work?

For most of the ‘normal people’ it works as laughter with happiness and a dam full of tears with sadness, rage with anger and confusion with bewilderment. And yet I fail to adapt to this very simple fact and working of a heart. This makes me wonder, do I even have a heart like any other normal person? Well, of course I have one, but surely it is ill-positioned and ill functioning. It is definitely not where it should have been.

Why this sudden burst of thoughts? I have no idea. Most of the times I don’t know how to deal with them and as any other person I live in denial, till they subside a little and finally I can deal with them.

I don’t know why and how this happens with me, but sometimes when I should be really confused about a serious decision, I know the answer instead. It is absolutely straight to me as to what should I do, and I have my judgments clear. (So far so good, never been in trouble; fingers crossed)

Then when I should be really angry at someone, I let it go. I don’t even give it much of a thought. I am told by people again and again, that it is a wrong decision, but I let it go. Morals win over, I guess. I don’t know, I just don’t even feel angry then or what. But then suddenly the very same person does something which is really insignificant this time, but I think my patience has been tried enough, and I burst…. I burst till I have nothing left inside and I simply let out my anger over that inconsequential matter. Where do my morals go then? (I ask this because I can be really mean when I am angry; when I am angry and I lose it. I will admit that I get angry easily, but I don’t lose it so soon, I guess those are two different things.)

When I should be really upset or sad about anything, people are tensed to their nerves beside me, and I have to forcefully stifle a laugh. I mean why, how?? Why will I want to laugh at a crucial time? (Get my dilemma?)

Yes, this next thing is going to be hilarious. When I should be smiling and laughing and be really happy, I have to supress my sobs. And I roll my eyes and ask myself “really?”

This happened just yesterday, when I was reading (Yes simply reading, not even a real life situation) and I had to conquer over few stray tears. What I was reading was something too sweet, too beautiful, too happy (too good to be true) and yet there I was gripping my fist, scratching my toes, trying to stop myself from crying.

So back to my question, how do emotions work? Or should I ask why I am so weird? (Rolling my eyes constantly at the second question)

Still I rise!

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
’Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
’Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise

I rise.

-Maya Angelou.

And thus I love this woman too.

Scared

I was watching a movie and some serious sad climax was going on when I noticed myself smiling. This was probably the first time that my emotions were not in collaboration with those going on in the screen and the moment I realised it I started laughing so hard that there might have been tears of happiness.

Well, I wasn’t laughing at the emotional crisis of the actors; I was smiling because in the distant my mind was not even watching the movie. My eyes were glued to the screen; true that but my heart and soul were wandering through the past conversations I had had with a friend.

The conversation? Oh, it’s not important but the friend, yes he is.

I might be the most stubborn and arrogant person and there are very few people who have moved me so deeply and the fact that he is one of them makes me ecstatic. I do not know how but somehow has has such a power over me that when I am angry or sad a smile spreads across my face just with a mere thought that has him in it. I would not say my problems disappear but the mile helps and that’s enough for me.

I am happy when my phone rings and he is the one calling, for a change I am not even taking the initiative. I am happy when he is at the door picking me up and I am okay for the first time being dependent on someone else. I am happy when there is a text from him even though it would be a silly joke. It’s not cheesy when he says ‘Take care’; even the simple ‘morning’ messages seem to be brighter than the sunshine. For the first time I let myself get teased and laugh at my own callousness. For a change I do not let my mistakes count on me. For a change I feel someone apart from my folks care for me and I can say it is a good feeling which I have never known.

All throughout my life there have been people in my life; they have come and gone and very few have stayed. And those very few have altered my life. I want him to be one of them. I do not want him to be “most of them”. I want him to be the “very few” cause I like those very few.

Well, I know nothing lasts “forever” least of all the good times and I am freaking scared of losing this. I wish it would last if not forever then at least for a little long. (I know however long it would be I would still want it to be a little long.)

I am scared what if I lost this. What if he doesn’t want to be one of them? What if he too leaves just like the others? Has it not always happened to me; the moment I am happy gloom knocks the door? The second I laugh tears start rolling down?

# Fiction.