Tag Archives: heart

Fallen To This New Level!

 

I have fallen to this new stature

Cause, I have sat and done

Absolutely nothing despite being all alone.

 

I sat and stared

Stared at the dark wall,

Giving away ramifications of my past.

 

I sat; sat and stared at

I don’t know what,

Giving away only darkness.

 

I looked on at the wall

Thinking and rethinking

About I don’t even know what.

 

I have fallen to a new level

Cause I didn’t even realize

When the time ticked by

And it was no more the day,

I started thinking on.

 

I have fallen to this new level

Where I don’t even understand anything,

Where I have stopped feeling some things.

 

I sit and stare and think

Trying hard, very hard,

to only cry a very bit.

 

But I fathom,

I have fallen to a very new level

Where even crying seems to have

Gone away with a new fling

Drying my soul, not letting it brim.

 

I have fallen to this new depth this time

Cause I don’t even realize where I am.

Or how to climb up,

Or swim away.

Cause this time I don’t even reckon myself.

Cause this time, I don’t feel anything.

I sit and stare and think and the time keeps ticking

Trying to realize what I am even thinking,

But all I gather is I am at a new depth,

And now it is difficult to even keep climbing.

Difficult to even keep swimming.

 

I have fallen

And I keep falling,

I have drowned,

And I keep drowning.

I find a new level of

Nothingness,

Meaninglessness.

And I question myself

Where am I?

 

*

Never been good with poems, never been a poet. This is just a vain attempt as always, and as all my previous attempts to try and write in as limited words as possible, and to express as far and as truthfully I can.

Words!

Words are important.

What I wrote above are just three words, but if I sit and think about it, it is as significant as words for me.

A person really needs to think what he is saying before he speaks those words out, before it is too late. You cannot take back those words.

Words are a person’s thoughts, his mind, you can really make a person feel loved by them or you can break a person too.

Words are simply significant.

For me words are my feelings, my heart, my soul, my truth. Whatever language they may be in, it doesn’t matter, words are words, and they are me.

I speak very less in person, I like to listen more. (Because most of the time the other person does not like to listen.). But there is a reason I speak less. I think I have no right judging and forcing my views on others. This does not mean I keep things to myself, I let my feelings out too, but in a more measured and careful way. I can’t just bring myself to destroy the other’s belief, right or wrong. May be I overthink this too, as I overthink everything else, but when someone tells me something, I believe it, when someone is rude with his words, I tend to get hurt, or I think I get over-hurt; when someone says something nice to me, I get over-joyed, all because I love the words they have said. I give so much importance to those words, when in actuality they could do with a little less paparazzi. (Only to avoid getting overjoyed and over-destroyed)

But what can I say, I may be an emotional fool to say that words touch me where people fail to.

Words are significant to me.

They touch my soul.

 

Heart! Mind! Or a Grammar Nazi?

Most of the time when I write or post something, it gets confused for being true. Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it is a part of my delusion or imagination. Whatever be it, imagination or truth there is one thing that keeps getting in my way, which is whether to write it with my heart at hand or with my mind. This dilemma between heart and mind is constant, not for me alone but for almost everyone. And it is true to writing too, that when it comes to a battle between heart and mind there is absolutely no one who can win.

If you think with your heart your mind loses but if you consider things with your mind your heart loses. There is nothing new here, right?

But there is a set pattern I have noticed in myself, in my writings precisely. Going through my past posts and or certain unpublished pieces I realised that when I have written with rationality the pieces are fine, but when I have my emotions out, I make mistakes as silly as no one who knows proper grammar will make.

Yesterday going through one of my posts, I remembered a long lost incident from my school. When I was in my early school days my English teacher used to make sure that we made no grammatical errors in our grammar paper, for this she would go to really great extremes, so much, as when we made a certain mistake we would have to write it on a sheet of paper at least 50 times. Writing that correct sentence for so many times, I don’t think anyone would make that mistake again. One such time even I had written sentences like, “No sooner did….” And “I didn’t know….”  For 50 times so that I would never make that mistake again. And that is how I remember even today how the tenses work.

But when yesterday I was reading one particular post where my heart was literally put out into words, I realised that I had lost sense of grammar and I had literally gone as far as writing, “I didn’t knew.” (I am ashamed!)

If my English teacher would read that today, she would laugh at me till her cheeks would hurt. First she wouldn’t even believe that I could write that, and then if she would have believed it, finally, then she would certainly laugh at my callousness, and loss of my sanity.

So we go to such extremes, isn’t it, when our hearts are not in their places? Or should I say when our minds are not in our places?

Can there ever be equilibrium when it comes to the matters of heart? Can we ever rationalise things or we are for ever to be acting as the lost ones when we just cannot chose between our hearts and minds?

Dreams!!

 

Do dreams come true?

Before you say yes, let me make it clear that I am not talking about those dreams which we see through our eyes open, the dream of becoming someone, something, the dream of being with someone, of achieving something, the dream of going to some place. No, I am not talking about that.

I am talking about the dreams which come to you, unwanted, absolutely undesirable, and haunt you in the middle of the night, the kind of dream which leave you panting, breathless not with passionate excitement but with downright disgust and pain, the dream which makes you perspire like you have run a thousand miles only to discover that you are yet to reach your finfish line, and there are tons of people ahead of you.

I am not running, actually, I am just sitting on the bed, gasping for air, trying to breathe in that clammy air, but all I can do is clutch through the sheets and make myself believe that this was just a dream.

But then sometimes even dreams come true, I have heard. Even my dreams have come true at some point in my life. So what assurance do I have that this dream won’t come true? What if? And this what if kills me every single second.

I am not even considering the fact that this dream might come true. No, I don’t have that much courage in me. I will live in denial!!!!!

But the mere thought stabs my heart.

Then comes the theory that we dream what our mind thinks for most part of the day. I accept I have such disturbing thoughts throughout the day, try as I might, they won’t go. My mind is just not under my control. And so they control my days and even nights.

Just when I think that these thoughts are finally, under my control they come back with a different attire and style only to depress me. Just when I think that these dreams are beyond me, they return with an updated version. So for how long will they bounce back? How many years more will they keep coming back to me? Aren’t they tired of me? I sure am.

And so I lay there wondering, struggling for air, wanting someone, something, anything beside me to hold onto, to just make me believe that I am being irrational, that it is only a dream. But all I do instead is to struggle to even breathe and ask myself, ‘Do dreams come true?’

And if the good ones do then so can the dreadful ones, and if they do, then what?

A Supplementary Question Paper!

When life is already disarraying, my fate really plays good with me, it adds on to the miseries and dilemma. As if, I already wasn’t dealing with enough questions, I have a supplementary sheet to answer, which accordingly is not optional!!

I wouldn’t say the questions are really difficult, they are simple questions, pertaining to the syllabus; life!! And yet here I am struggling to merely swim above the level, simply trying to breathe.

I wouldn’t say these are really miseries, and if I were to mention them as agonies, they are the sweet ones. The only trouble is I don’t know how to deal with them. The lack of experience, knowledge, you could say anything pertaining to the curriculum, which leads me to jitter at the possible thought of simply sitting with the question paper.

So, what do I do?

My heart has a very simple answer!

But the practical me always wins!! It has reasons and explanation, a supplementary brief study for almost every Multiple Choice Questions too! It has a basic tendency to analyse and criticise, take future and past into hand.

Again, I ask, what do I do?

I am pretty sure, this is going to sound more of a rambling post, rather than a scream for help.

So, I really don’t know what to do. As I already mentioned, the questions aren’t demanding, only, the answers are a little more convoluted.

Lost!

I have been off lately, from blogging, from WordPress for which I don’t even have a specific reason.

It all started a while ago when I started drifting off from everything, even the things which gave me pleasure, started boring me. I don’t know how it started, but somehow it all led to me being a complete static person. I wouldn’t say I was too busy working, or studying, I was simply occupied with my day to day work, from which I could take time out for everything, even blogging.

BUT THE PROBLEM IS, I DIDN’T DO IT.

I DID NOTHING.

I wouldn’t say I was away from work too, no, that didn’t happen. Everything kept going on as it should, but only without interest and my heart in it. Life moved on, but I wasn’t truly happy with what was  happening.

My friends and family of course thinks all is well because by now I have mastered the art of deceiving my feelings in front of them. My social life too seemed pretty active which these days, make people believe that the person is all right!

So when I logged into WordPress to find so many people concerned about my absence, I was truly touched. I wouldn’t say I am good now, the process of recovery is still going on. But I am way better than I was a few days ago.

What happened? I don’t know!

I just lost the motivation to do anything in particular. I have been simply sulking, having lost the vigor to do anything. This anything comprises from blogging to studying to even talking to people.

I hope to get out of this mood soon enough. I hope to find my path soon.

But before that I truly thank you all for even considering my absence in your thoughts.

 

What Do You Do?

What do you do when something occupies too much of your time, too much of the space in your already overthinking mind?

What do you do when things that happen are absolutely out of your control?

What do you do when there are only negative thoughts, and more destructive thoughts making home in your heart and mind?

Needless to say the first suggestion would be to talk things out, to share your woes and doubts with people who care about you.

You pray and hope, and calm your mind but those little evil people are trapped within you.

Then comes the idea of writing your feelings down, word by word. Writers often tend to this technique to cure the ache.

But you see, when desperation kicks in, you go as far as writing your frame of mind and even burning the sheet down to mere ashes; repeatedly!

What do you do when despite all the efforts, those thoughts and feelings stick with you?

What do you do when your thoughts are absolutely out of control? When those thoughts, pains you like a piercing needle, slowly seeping blood out?

What do you do when you can take no more?

What do you do when nothing helps, and even the thoughts (the fact that it is not happening in reality, it is only a thought and a feeling in my head is significant here) shatter you to the core?

What do you when you can’t face the consequences of those thoughts?