Tag Archives: hope

The Wait For Spring.

Warning: This is going to be pretty long. Proceed and get bored at your own risk!

 

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I should probably start with wishing new years to all of you, but I am sure that I am very late for that, very very late. So, shall I just go ahead and ask you if you have reached that point of the year, when you have started feeling that you are probably wasting this year too, and that even this year your resolutions are going to go down the drain, or better still, all the optimisms and the thought that this is going to be your year has slowly been washing out of your system? I am certain, that I am probably late for even that question!

 

Yes, I am extremely late for almost everything now, may be even writing a blog post too. For all I know, everyone whom I knew has already gone away and I might not even hear from you guys anymore. Agreed! I have been away, for far too long. And perhaps this is the most that I have been away from my blog, and stopped writing since I have started writing here, since the time Aesthetic Miradh exists. But I just didn’t have the energy, the courage, or the will to write anything. I just didn’t. It couldn’t have been a writers’ block, I am sure of that, it was something more than that! Words didn’t leave me, I still had those conversations with myself, those dull drab uninteresting posts were there, but those were only in my head. I lacked something, or may be I was just being lazy!

 

I have been staring at my computer screen for quite long now, and it has taken more than I can tell to even write these useless words so far. I have been booting my computer for the past few days, staring at the blank screen for a while, drinking cups of tea/coffee/hot chocolate one after the other, (not necessarily all in the same day) and yet I wrote nothing. Daily, I switched on the computer, and after a while, switched it off. It went on for a few days but today, I am finally writing here (hopefully posting too), but what am I exactly writing, I am unsure of. What I am sure of is, I am cent percent going to bore you by the end, and you might not even know why I wrote this, or in all probability why did you even read this?

 

So, what have I been up to? (Yeah, Moushmi, now is this becoming your daily journal? No one is interested in knowing what you have been up to!) Unlike my writing life, everything else hasn’t been stagnant. Well, life kept moving on, but I don’t know if have matched pace with it. Things have been happening. Work has been piling. To- read books have been stacking, so basically everything has been hoarded so far, so much so that I can’t see beyond it.

 

There was one respite though, the only thing that I kept looking up to everyday. 2019 was the year when I planned on writing a poem a day. Now, that sounded interesting and so fulfilling to me initially too, and I waited expectantly to write poems everyday, one after the other. It wasn’t easy, of course. And I sometimes pulled at my own head as to find any new ideas. Not that my ever-cribbing and tame-less hair had any ideas in store, but I tried it all the same. I can definitely not boast of these poems now, not when I know that not all of them are unique and certainly do not stand out. But what exactly is unique. Even the sentence that I just wrote, “But what exactly is unique.” Must have been repeated millions of time through millions of seconds. But I am still not going to boast about them, because I know, while the quantity of the poems is overwhelming, the quality is definitely not!

 

When I started writing these poems, I had in mind of being a published poet, if not a writer soon. But now that I have them, I am just being and doing what I always do. Being a certified lazy coward. I have a set of poems drawn out of the herd, and I did start editing them and I did look into the matter of publishing, but it all became too overwhelming, and I chickened out. But I haven’t exactly dropped out the idea; I am still looking into the matter only I don’t know what and how to do. People have given me suggestions. Some motivated me, some not so much. But I am still nowhere. Believe me, I have read about it, researched it, so much so that now it feels I should just go ahead and publish it already. I have come across so many new published writers, some have been of help, while some just competitive. I was initially surprised at how much our times have to offer, in terms of publication too. I mean yes, there is the traditional method of publishing, but there are so many other options too. And so- so many new, encouraging and even emerging publishers for new writers. But that is where it became too overwhelming and for once I thought, what the hell, I will just go and self publish it myself. It is not like it’s a great book or something. They are just poems, it is a small dream. May be I will make mistakes with my first book; I am bound to. But I have made mistakes in the past, and I am sure I will make them in the future too; only I hope I will not repeat them. We will see how that turns out. No saint, I am!

 

I do not have any resolutions for 2020 yet, and seeing that we are already down almost two months of the year, I might give up on it altogether. But I do have a certain idea. Wow, I am not even sure if it is an idea at all. It could turn into a series of short stories, or it could be a short novella, but then again, I keep wondering if I have that kind of discipline in me to start writing, and even if I do write, what is to happen of those boring sheets? Stay useless, may be?

 

Writing happens or not, I am sure I will be reading a lot this year. I am sure of that. I took up the goodreads challenge and all, of finishing up hundred books a year. I didn’t plan on it last year, but I still managed 79 books in 2019, and I would have completed a hundred too, had I not stopped reading altogether in the last few months of the year. This year, I plan on reading more. Not only quantity, but I mean to look into quality too, leaving behind all those books that don’t add up to anything. We’ll see how that goes too! Who knows, I end up only talking!

 

My friend Mr. Coffee Hater comes often and we have our usual nonsensical banter always, but that’s a ramble for later. So that is that! I think I should stop talking, if at all someone is listening. And if you are, I want to know what you have been up to? I am sure I have been missing out on a lot of things. Tell me what you are reading? 😉 Okay, tell me what have you been doing? As for me, I think I have I have been sipping iced coffee in winters, and reading Rumi. (Look at that me reading Rumi!) And it is still winters here, chilly, freezing winters. All I am doing is waiting for spring! I think I am just waiting for spring!!

 

 

Phoenix in Disguise.

Gone are the days

Of you wanting to be above me,

Cutting my wings

And throttling me.

 

So far, I have battled

Cursed and raged,

Tried to swim and float

Sometimes barely to survive.

 

I have fought and fought

Even when the war ended,

I tried just to stand and walk

But all you did was pull me back, stranded.

 

So far, equality is all I wanted

Rage was never for granted,

I’d smile and let it all go

Only if you’d let me grow.

 

You should have breathed

A calming sigh of relief,

Walking on different treads

We could have lived happily, I believe.

 

But you let your ego rise

In claiming to be a little superior,

But my declaration should have sufficed

When I told you I was a gushing warrior.

 

So far, I wanted equality

But now, I want revenge.

You are done with your monopoly

But now, from the gut I’ll make you wrench.

 

I’ll rip you apart

Your body, your mind, your soul.

I’ll drink your bleeding heart

And throw you into an abysmal black hole.

 

Your smiles will fade

Your laughter must evade,

You’ll seek my permission

Even for your tears’ abscission.

 

For long you had me chained

Now you’ll taste its flavor,

For long you had my dreams restrained

Now you’ll know what its to long for a savior.

 

Every time I tried to soar

You’ll make it even difficult to smile,

Making me feel like a centaur

Fidgeting betwixt myriad lifestyles.

 

Try and tell me I didn’t try

To make something of me I persistently slogged,

All that happened was my eyes went dry

Even the tears rejecting to keep my eyes clothed.

 

I’ll not let anything go

I promise I’ll rip you apart,

I’ll wear the iron and steely trousseau

And display at home, my gory work of art.

 

I’ll throw my rage, my anger, and my morale

Over you like a listless mourning shroud.

And you’ll be shocked at my open advances

While, I sear and soar like a magellanic cloud.

 

I swear to God, I’ll not cede

I don’t want equality; I want revenge,

From the ashes where you buried me

I’ll rise from there and eat you like air.

 

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Hopes And Expectations!

Unknown

Just wondering..

While on the one hand you are striving towards it, and on the other there is only faith and a vain belief.

What exactly happens?

Does that belief turn into the expectations that we are taught not to have?

Or the hope itself is a reflection on the said expectations which we are not suppose to have?

Or, is there a fine line between hope and expectations which I am blinded not to see?

Or they are just two words trying to play with my mind?

Any thoughts?

 

It Never Rained!

I leave my office

Ditch the elevator

And jump down the stairs.

I plan to go home

Early, yet again

And then I don’t go home.

I drive through the streets,

The long lost,

The long, waiting streets.

Accidentally, unintentionally

I lead myself to ‘the’ place,

The secluded one.

The isolated street

Stares at me

Gawking unblinkingly at me.

The tress on both sides

Look down upon me

And yet I keep driving.

I see a spot,

Finally, and park my vehicle.

And then I run!

I run as fast as I can

I run leaving behind every thought,

I run till I realize people are staring.

I keep running

Below the trees,

Beside the buzzing crowd.

I run till my legs ache

I run till my heart races

And my breath unsteadies.

I slow down

Find a bench

And sit down.

I realize it is more crowded than usual

I find people buzzing about more than usual,

I see some movie being shot.

I care in the least

And get lost

Sitting and breathing.

I don’t know what to do

With myself,

With this helplessness,

With this hopelessness.

And so I sit,

I crouch down

I close my eyes.

And then it rains.

It rains like it hasn’t all this year,

It rains as it rains after a drought,

It rains with thunder and lightening

With the road being muddy,

And the sky, a little, brightening.

It rains for quite a while,

And I sit there, all lost.

People keep staring

And I keep ignoring.

It keeps raining

And I keep breathing; drenching.

When all’s empty

I gather myself up,

Walk down to my vehicle,

And drive back home,

Only to realize, it never rained.

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Hi guys, hope all’s okay with you. I went on an unexpected, unintentional and an unwanted break, or should I call it an unexpected, unwanted, not so needed emergency. But here I am, sane and in one piece, back to my home!!

Eager as always to hear from you all.

 

Krishna talked sense into me..

This post is going to be a little different from what I usually write here, but by the end of it you might think I am back to my usual. So if you get there, thank you for bearing with me.

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“Mayi sarvani karmani samnyasyādhyātmacetasā;

Nirāśirnirmamo bhūtvā yudhyasava vigatajvarah.”

 

Renouncing all actions into Me, with the mind centered on the Self, free from hope and egoism (Ownership), free from (mental) fever, (you) do fight.

 

This is taken from the Holy Geeta, chapter 3 Karma Yoga, verse 30.

 

This brilliant passage is spoken by lord Krishna to his worshipper/friend/student Arjuna.

 

A closer study of the import of these two lines will make us understand clearly that, in this stanza, Krishna is hinting at the greater psychological truth of life. Krishna advises Arjuna to act renouncing both Hope and Ego; and this is indeed a primary instruction on how to pour the best that is in us into the ‘present’, blockading all unintelligent and thoughtless dissipation of our inner personality-energies, in the ‘Past’and the ‘Future’.

 

He further says to renounce all action unto the Lord and, getting rid of both Hope and Selfishness, must fight, free from all mental fever. How complete this technique is will be evident now to all students of Geeta.

 

The term ‘fight’is to be understood here ‘as our individual fight with circumstances, in the silent battle of life’. Thus, the advice is not for Arjuna alone, but to them all men who would like to live fully and intelligently.

 

And this makes more sense to me when right in the next stanza He says, without caviling, and with only faith in heart, one must live. For one can neither understand fully, nor come to gain the blessings of the way of life, by deep study and noisy discussions. It can be understood and experienced only by living it.

 

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Time again, I have been told that thinking, will not help much, that trying to understand all the concepts of life is only a vain effort. But despite my agreement with them, I fail to accustom myself to these thoughts. The result of which is a PhD in overthinking and a certain sense of guilt and restlessness, and a tinge of permanent anxiety of un-knowingness. I have been told again and again, that to not think much of past and present, and only to live. But it took me more than a decade, and a number of people telling me so, a 100 different experiences and a second reading of this Holy scripture, to finally let myself understand that I can never understand everything (Just the way I can never travel almost every part of the world, or just the way that I can never ever read all the books in the world!!). It was this time, that when I read it, my brains finally, tried accepting this simple fact, it was this time that I felt, that Krishna was speaking to me, (Hypothetically, don’t worry I haven’t turned all too religious overnight and started hallucinating about Gods in front of me) finally making my dumb ass realize that I am not right, that I need to stop doing certain things to myself which are only hurting me more.

 

Now, that I have come to accept it, I am going to start trying to succumb to it; that is my attempts will be to not think much, about the past and-or the future. I will try and leave my ego and all kinds of hope behind, in an attempt of living a life without selfishness, and one full of faith. This does not mean I renounce my Karma, no, it only signifies how I will go about it; that is without my Ego and Hope but full of faith.

 

 

This is how I perceive these stanzas, and I am pretty sure, I still don’t get the inner meaning of them, or the depth of what He was trying to say. All the same I will keep up with my efforts of not understanding anymore, but only living my life, doing my Karma, because I sure ain’t getting younger!!

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I have used the commentary and the English translation of the verse from the Geeta, written by Swami Chinmayananda.

Possibility Of The Impossible!

 

Sitting at the top of the mountain,

In the open air,

I couldn’t breathe in.

 

Sitting near the holy pyre,

The woods burning,

I couldn’t even feel the fire.

 

Sitting on the green earth,

The flowers blooming,

I couldn’t even reckon my birth.

 

How can there be lack of water,

Near the ocean?

I tend to ponder.

 

Sucking in, not giving in to the claustrophobia,

I intend to combine ocean and fire,

Not to forget the earth and the sky,

Believing in the impossible,

Why not just reach out for more than possible?

The Mask That Fell Off!

 

I saw love in your eyes

I saw the warmth,

The flamboyant smiles.

 

I saw the care in your heart

I saw the fear,

The painful pleasure.

 

I saw the truth in your soul

I saw the honesty,

The serene simplicity.

 

And then one day I saw the true colors

I saw the wild lies

I saw the raging rashness

And I saw the youthful odium.

 

Now what do I presume?

Which colors do I assume?

What is right?

What is wrong?

 

I lost faith in myself

While you, shook me to my inner essential.

Was I wrong before?

Am I wrong now?

 

Were you so good in representing?

Or am I so bad in arbitrating?

Am I so inanely innocuous?

Or you are just astonishingly facetious?

 

I though I saw love

I though I saw scrupulousness

But in a flick, one day

The mask fell off

And I didn’t know

What to believe in!