I woke up with a smile today!! Yeah, I was as surprised. Just before I was coming back to consciousness, bidding good bye to my unconscious or absolute unconscious, there was a light shy smile on my face. Yes, I could feel it all, almost know why I was smiling too. But just then I woke up and realized that I was smiling. How was it possibly even true? I barely smile awake, I mean to say, I laugh, a lot, but smiling is different to me and there I was smiling pretty smiles in my dreams, in my sleep. And just then fear gripped me for smiling and I stopped immediately and came back to reality. I woke up.
But it would be good if I could remember exactly why I was smiling about, what was so good, even if in my dreams that made me smile. Why couldn’t I have it in reality? What was it in my dreams? Why was it in my dreams? What was so fulfilling? Why did I forget it? I sure remember all the nightmares, so accurately, so precisely then why couldn’t I remember the one dream that I want to remember!!
I was watching a movie and some serious sad climax was going on when I noticed myself smiling. This was probably the first time that my emotions were not in collaboration with those going on in the screen and the moment I realised it I started laughing so hard that there might have been tears of happiness.
Well, I wasn’t laughing at the emotional crisis of the actors; I was smiling because in the distant my mind was not even watching the movie. My eyes were glued to the screen; true that but my heart and soul were wandering through the past conversations I had had with a friend.
The conversation? Oh, it’s not important but the friend, yes he is.
I might be the most stubborn and arrogant person and there are very few people who have moved me so deeply and the fact that he is one of them makes me ecstatic. I do not know how but somehow has has such a power over me that when I am angry or sad a smile spreads across my face just with a mere thought that has him in it. I would not say my problems disappear but the mile helps and that’s enough for me.
I am happy when my phone rings and he is the one calling, for a change I am not even taking the initiative. I am happy when he is at the door picking me up and I am okay for the first time being dependent on someone else. I am happy when there is a text from him even though it would be a silly joke. It’s not cheesy when he says ‘Take care’; even the simple ‘morning’ messages seem to be brighter than the sunshine. For the first time I let myself get teased and laugh at my own callousness. For a change I do not let my mistakes count on me. For a change I feel someone apart from my folks care for me and I can say it is a good feeling which I have never known.
All throughout my life there have been people in my life; they have come and gone and very few have stayed. And those very few have altered my life. I want him to be one of them. I do not want him to be “most of them”. I want him to be the “very few” cause I like those very few.
Well, I know nothing lasts “forever” least of all the good times and I am freaking scared of losing this. I wish it would last if not forever then at least for a little long. (I know however long it would be I would still want it to be a little long.)
I am scared what if I lost this. What if he doesn’t want to be one of them? What if he too leaves just like the others? Has it not always happened to me; the moment I am happy gloom knocks the door? The second I laugh tears start rolling down?