Tag Archives: life

Living In An Illusory World.

Writers and readers are hopelessly romantic. They live in a fictional world, and tend to be unacceptable to the real world. They immerse themselves so much in a world, which does not exist that they deviate and forget that they live in a world, which does exist. They seek pleasure in something, which is unreal, and shirk their responsibilities towards reality. They live in denial; they live with indifference. They do not live in actuality. Myth engulfs them so strongly that pragmatism and logic become their adversaries. These writers and readers do not know how the real world works.”

This, my friend, is an allegation on me today. But what can I say to this?

May be I am irrational. May be I don’t think practically. May be I shed off my responsibilities, may be I do live in too many worlds at a point of time. May be I am hopelessly romantic. May be I do live in denial. May be I live in a fictional world, and may be I really do not know how this “real world” works?

But does anyone actually know the difference?

All I got to say about this is,

“I have lived a thousand lives and I have lived a thousand loves. I’ve walked on distant worlds and seen the end of time. Because I read.” –George R. R. Martin.

Yes, I read and I write and most of the times I immerse myself so much in these two things that I forget the real from unreal. I can barely make what was true and what was a dream. I forget the real world in the process of making a beautiful world for myself where I can live. And many a times I don’t want to come back from there, well, most of the times. And what’s more? I can’t. I can’t just do that. I have to come back.

So is that not enough? Is it not enough that I have to come back, and I do come back into the so-called real world and try to live in it.

Is it not enough that I live a life, which I don’t want to?

Love Or Lust?

I was standing in front of the dresser, the mirror reflecting my red dress to perfection, my hair, as always remain untamed and in order only as much as I could bid them to be in. The only accessory defining my body was a pair of diamond studs, glinting in the lights above me. I was looking breathtaking, in my own simple way, or so I thought. (Always the self obsessed me) I was screwing one of the studs into my ears when I heard a knock on the door, and my heart skipped a beat.

 

Thoughts rushed into my mind, all at once, uninvited, unwanted, messing up with me. Should I have worn that little black dress after all? Was this too plain? Should I have worn those high stilettos instead of these sneakers? Was that bracelet more appropriate than this regular unadorned watch? Would just a bit of lipstick have done any harm? Should I have listened to my friend after all? Oh god, so many should’s and would’s, but it was all too late. “Stop frowning and open the door instead.” I tell myself. But my legs froze. It wouldn’t budge. And I kept puzzling myself.

 

“Move” but as always in times of urgency, my stubborn self wouldn’t even listen to myself.

 

The knock persisted, and then the door opened slightly, a small gap, a voice from somewhere, but I was all lost.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

And there he was, his charming self, smiling at me.

 

I was at a loss of words.

 

Say something, I screamed at myself. But all my dumb ass would do was to stand there and fidget nervously, uncomfortably.

 

I hadn’t even realized that I was looking right into his eyes, and as the realization dawns on me, I look down. I look everywhere but at him. I am at a loss of words, and I have no idea, what am I suppose to do now. I wonder if his presence is always going to make me go so weak. But it was not so before. Before, I could talk to him without any of these hesitations. How did this happen? How did I suddenly start drooling for this man? How did I suddenly loose my senses by just looking at this man? I wonder if this is always going to be like this? I wonder what he is thinking right now. I keep wondering…

 

And the next thing I know is, he is standing right in front of me, my hands in his, fingers entwined, his eyes glaring down on me, urging me to look at him. I succumb there, despite the realizations of my clammy hands. I look up. And that look, that smile? That’s enough to make me go weak in the knees. All the blood drains away from me, down to the edge of my toes, and I almost stop breathing. I look everywhere but at him, everywhere but at his smile, constantly teasing me.

 

He has pushed me to the wall, my brains have stopped working and I lose my breath when he is inches away from me. My stupid heart, which has lead me to this, standing in front of him, dumb founded? My stupid heart which did not listen to me; to neither of my warnings, that stupid heart is in my mouth, and is ready to jump off and leave me any second. In one swift motion he frees my hair and all I can think of is how long it’s going to take me to do them again. And I laugh at my own callousness. I mean, this magnificent man, right here, is standing in front of me, I am almost in his arms, and all I can think of is how long would it take for me to tie them again? “Just don’t tie them, you fool!” I scold myself.

 

He puts a rigid lock of hair behind my ears and bends a little towards it, as if to say something. I can hear his steady breaths, but he stays there, just smiling, not saying a word. How I wished for him to say something, anything, anything that could break the silence. Anything that could make my mind stop having thoughts leading to God knows where. Anything to know what he has in his mind, what he is thinking? His cool breaths tingling my skin, sending shivers down me; the kind of shivers and feelings I have never felt before.

 

I am drawn towards him, closer and yet closer, thinking how much closer can I get anymore? But the space seems never ending. He grips me at the waist, and in a flash I am right in his arms. I clutch at his soft flannel shirt, knowing not what to do. I fail to look at him now. His hands were caressing my arms, tickling me. What the hell was happening? Tickles were my best friend, and now even they betrayed me? What the hell happened to not being tickled by anyone? Here I was all shivering, with his slight touch. WHAT WAS WRONG?

 

Will he ever stop smiling and staring at me like that?

 

But he comes even closer, making me wonder where exactly is the distance anymore? He stoops, his hands at my waist, his lips, searching mine. But he stays there, breathing softly against my lips, I can feel his smile, I can listen to my own small rapid breaths, and then he bites me, a soft— languid— lusting— bite at the corner of my mouth, faintly piercing at my lower lip, not even trying to kiss me. No lips, no tongues and yet this was enough. Turned on was not even close to what I felt.

 

Yes, this was enough. My mind literally stopped working, and my heart had fled not my mouth but my entire body, I had no sense of what exactly was happening. Yes this was enough. All the breaths leave me; my heart stops first, and then starts drumming against my chest and in my ears, as he withdraws his face a tiny bit. I could feel a hot sensation on my face burning from within, and I turned scarlet. All the blood drains away from me, even my feet feel weak, as if something, everything was sucked out of me. I grip tighter onto his shirt, as if that was the only thing helping me to realize that this wasn’t a dream, my feet scratching the floor only to feel there was a floor beneath me. Oh, I melt. I melt, under his pulling gaze. I have Goosebumps even at the back of my neck. And there are butterflies, well; an army of butterflies doing God knows what inside my stomach. I didn’t even realize that I had held my breath until he withdrew completely and held my hands again, piercing down at me with an all-new hunger in his eyes. The kind of hunger reminding me of my all my crazy fantasies, of all kinds of Christian Grey’s and all kinds of inner goddesses. But then he withdrew, his smile seemingly teasing my train of thoughts.

 

His forehead rests on mine, smiling his sexy, casual smile above me. And I blush; I blush like I have never blushed before in his presence. I have no idea what is going on. Why didn’t he kiss me? I mean he already almost did it, but then why did he withdraw himself? Why leave something incomplete? I was eager, as I had never been before. I was wanting, as I had never been before. What exactly was happening? I had never acted this dumb before, never! I could not look into his eyes; I could not even muster the courage to speak. Was I really I?

 

Face flushed hot, I somehow bear to look at him, to look at those lustrous eyes, at those sensual smiles.

 

“You look gorgeous, and as much as I’d like to stand here, looking at you blushing, we have to get going. I am pretty sure you wouldn’t want to miss the beginning of the show.” He winks at me.

 

Show? I couldn’t even remember anything about the show anymore. I had wanted to go there for so long, and somehow the tickets were arranged, and now all I was wondering was how could he leave me there, mid way in the air, after what he just did to me.

 

“I am waiting downstairs.” And that is all I hear before he closes the door behind him.

 

He leaves me there, with a hoarse breathing; wanting, confused, devoid of all the confidence of looking “breathtaking in my own simplicity”. What was I even thinking saying that in the first place? No man with his looks, and his charms, and his smile, and his eyes…. Could call me breathtaking! And yet there I was, thinking, God knows what?

 

I give one look to myself in the mirror, and I think there was too much makeup on my cheeks, only realizing that there was none to begin with. Oh god!! Was I a complete lost case? How did this happen? What exactly was this? God, what he does to me!! What was it? What is it? I am certain I am not in love. Or am I? NO!! May be this is lust!! Yes, lust, I tell myself. I just want him. But do I? No, but this wasn’t lust? I mean it felt something more than that. Sure, everyone says that. But wouldn’t lust would have lead to something more than this. Wouldn’t it? Oh Lord, I am screwed!!

 

And suddenly, everything seemed perfect, the red dress, zero make-up, no accessories, the not-so-tied-untamed-hair, and the sneakers. All was perfect; except the foolish smile. Everything seemed perfect but that stupid smile that I was wearing.

 

In a second, all came back to me, the show. Yes, I didn’t want to miss it. I grabbed my phone and wallet and rushed downstairs, to find him waiting by the door. He stood aside for me, ever the gentleman that he was, and soon we were walking side by side in the fresh air, in that cool after-rain evening, brushing hands against each other’s.

 

Peace or Pieces?

Gather your pieces and

Walk towards the peace

That you have been pining for.

 

It is always easy to say that your life is in pieces, always very convenient to blame it on your destiny, or on someone else.

But the reality is that when in distress we simply don’t wish to see the reality hidden beneath the dust of illusion. If only we’d be brave enough to face our very own delusions, our own misgivings, and our faults we would see the truth. We would know where exactly something is wrong. We need to have the courage to tell ourselves that it is enough, and we need to gather ourselves, face the reality, tell ourselves that there is no going back, and resolve to walk with courage anew.

 

It is time we tell ourselves,

“Gather your pieces and

Walk towards the peace

That you have been pining for,

For the peace ain’t coming running to you.”

 

Forgetting To Live.

When I was young, like a very small kid, I wanted to grow old, not like my grandma or grandpa old, but old like my elder brother. So that I could have the chances which he had, so that I could do what he could do.

Then when I thought I was like my brother, how old he used to be, then I wanted to grow older than him, so that I could live how he lived, without anyone bossing over me.

When I was really old, like you know the recent adult? I wanted to become someone who was stable, with a proper job, and all that, you know.

Then, I was old, like you know who had a job, and a little money, and something, and then I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to be the one whom I saw on the street the other day, the one with a husband, and two cute little children.

When I was the one with the cute little children, I wanted to be the one that I saw from across my house, you know the old lady cribbing at her old man, for not doing something, for not understanding her, and yet how you could tell that they had grown old together.

Then when I was that old lady, I wanted yet something else. I wanted to be the free individual who lived next door, so that I could travel like him.

And then I wanted something else too…..

 

My point being, all our lives we keep wanting things. We want, and we want. We are never satisfied, ad we never will be. May be, we want something and we get it, and then we don’t want it anymore. May be we do get it and now we want something else. We keep pining for things we don’t have, never relishing what we actually have. We keep trying to push ourselves to get more, not realizing that in the process we are losing what we have.

We keep wanting to live in a way, never realizing that we are forgetting to actually live in the life that we are supposed to be living.

 

Why Am I Not An Atheist?

I am a strong believer of God, yes I am.

Now before you judge me, hear me out.

I am not saying that I can strongly say that God exists, he is the one. I have some different beliefs. I am not saying that there are no questions regarding the God. Oh there are, there are many unanswered questions. Sometime I myself, keep asking about the past myths, the story that has been put forward of all the Gods. And if you are a Hindu, then I am pretty sure you have innumerable unanswered questions. And so do I, but I am still not an atheist.

I am a strong believer of God, yes I am.

You know, why? This is because of the fact that I pray. I am not saying that when I pray, ‘God’ gives me what I want. All I am saying is by praying I develop a sense of faith within me, that everything is going to be just fine, and I gain some strength to fight against the situations that I may be dealing with. Anything wrong in that? I don’t think so. When I pray, meditate, I don’t rely on God, there is no superlative magic that is going to move a wand in the air and all my problems would vanish, and all my wishes would come true. But I do believe that there is some supreme power in what I do, cause once I get the strength to deal with something, the optimism filled inside, I know everything will be all right. I borrow faith and hope from what we call “God”.

And that is why I am not an atheist.

I am a strong believer of God, yes I am.

I am not saying if someone is an atheist, he or she is wrong. They are right in their own way, how and what they feel, that I cannot tell. But they have their own beliefs, and so do I.

I may not say God is everything, but he is definitely something for me. I get the strength to believe in myself when I pray to him, when I chant his verses, when I just close my eyes and see through my inner senses the vision of “Om”. I feel peaceful, optimistic, and I regain belief.

And that is why I am not an atheist,

I am a strong believer of God, yes I am.

 

PS: I still believe that humanity is a religion above and beyond all other religions.

Stronger!!

My song of the day.

The song that is always on repeat mode when I am low.

The song that might have been written for a heart break, but nevertheless, it never fails to lift me up in any situation.

The song that I could literally scream into the void, and even dedicate to someone if I wanted to. (Despite my non-lyrical voice.)

The song, that gives me power.

The song that gives me strength.

The song that makes me stronger,

That makes me a fighter.

A song that keeps me going, no matter what!

 

Stronger

Kelly Clarkson

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I’d come running back
Baby you don’t know me, ’cause you’re dead wrong

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over ’cause you’re gone

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
But told you I was moving on over you

You didn’t think that I’d come back
I’d come back swinging
You try to break me but you see what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over ’cause you’re gone

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I’m not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I’m finally thinking ’bout me
You know in the end the day to left was just my beginning
In the end

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over ‘cause you’re gone

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

When I’m alone

 

Songwriters: Alexandra Leah Tamposi / David Gamson / Greg Kurstin / Jorgen Kjell Elofsson

Listen away, and enjoy:

 

Do let me know how you like the song?

Sometimes…

Sometimes all you need to do is

Stay back, and let it all pass.

To sit awhile, and let it all pass.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

Let the blood drain away to your toes.

To let the air be sucked out till your ears.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

To close your eyes, and not talk.

To just lie down and not walk.

 

Sometimes, all you need to do is

Let it all go,

To let it all be in the past.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

Turn the page of the book.

To end the chapter.

To close the book.

To just forget everything.

And start afresh.

To let it all be and have faith.

To try and smile and have faith.

To simply believe and let it be.

Sometimes all you need to do is

Simply do nothing.