Tag Archives: live

Forgetting To Live.

When I was young, like a very small kid, I wanted to grow old, not like my grandma or grandpa old, but old like my elder brother. So that I could have the chances which he had, so that I could do what he could do.

Then when I thought I was like my brother, how old he used to be, then I wanted to grow older than him, so that I could live how he lived, without anyone bossing over me.

When I was really old, like you know the recent adult? I wanted to become someone who was stable, with a proper job, and all that, you know.

Then, I was old, like you know who had a job, and a little money, and something, and then I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to be the one whom I saw on the street the other day, the one with a husband, and two cute little children.

When I was the one with the cute little children, I wanted to be the one that I saw from across my house, you know the old lady cribbing at her old man, for not doing something, for not understanding her, and yet how you could tell that they had grown old together.

Then when I was that old lady, I wanted yet something else. I wanted to be the free individual who lived next door, so that I could travel like him.

And then I wanted something else too…..

 

My point being, all our lives we keep wanting things. We want, and we want. We are never satisfied, ad we never will be. May be, we want something and we get it, and then we don’t want it anymore. May be we do get it and now we want something else. We keep pining for things we don’t have, never relishing what we actually have. We keep trying to push ourselves to get more, not realizing that in the process we are losing what we have.

We keep wanting to live in a way, never realizing that we are forgetting to actually live in the life that we are supposed to be living.

 

Scared

I was watching a movie and some serious sad climax was going on when I noticed myself smiling. This was probably the first time that my emotions were not in collaboration with those going on in the screen and the moment I realised it I started laughing so hard that there might have been tears of happiness.

Well, I wasn’t laughing at the emotional crisis of the actors; I was smiling because in the distant my mind was not even watching the movie. My eyes were glued to the screen; true that but my heart and soul were wandering through the past conversations I had had with a friend.

The conversation? Oh, it’s not important but the friend, yes he is.

I might be the most stubborn and arrogant person and there are very few people who have moved me so deeply and the fact that he is one of them makes me ecstatic. I do not know how but somehow has has such a power over me that when I am angry or sad a smile spreads across my face just with a mere thought that has him in it. I would not say my problems disappear but the mile helps and that’s enough for me.

I am happy when my phone rings and he is the one calling, for a change I am not even taking the initiative. I am happy when he is at the door picking me up and I am okay for the first time being dependent on someone else. I am happy when there is a text from him even though it would be a silly joke. It’s not cheesy when he says ‘Take care’; even the simple ‘morning’ messages seem to be brighter than the sunshine. For the first time I let myself get teased and laugh at my own callousness. For a change I do not let my mistakes count on me. For a change I feel someone apart from my folks care for me and I can say it is a good feeling which I have never known.

All throughout my life there have been people in my life; they have come and gone and very few have stayed. And those very few have altered my life. I want him to be one of them. I do not want him to be “most of them”. I want him to be the “very few” cause I like those very few.

Well, I know nothing lasts “forever” least of all the good times and I am freaking scared of losing this. I wish it would last if not forever then at least for a little long. (I know however long it would be I would still want it to be a little long.)

I am scared what if I lost this. What if he doesn’t want to be one of them? What if he too leaves just like the others? Has it not always happened to me; the moment I am happy gloom knocks the door? The second I laugh tears start rolling down?

# Fiction.