Tag Archives: loneliness

Treacherous Love.

He promised me he’d forever be mine

Giving me no reason to think, to my face he’d lie,

He sealed his promise with a chaste kiss

Deceiving me into believing for an eternal bliss.

 

He didn’t leave me of his own accord

Only- death did us sorrowfully apart,

But in him, I lost my partner in crime

And with him, I lost my reason to smile.

 

Now, when old age has befriended me

With ‘lack’ of all kinds seeping in,

Teeth, taste, ability to walk; hear

Wanting, patiently for my heart to tear.

 

Time and loneliness has started eating me alive

With my body withered, no one cares for my hidden vice,

And despite the lineage of children and grandchildren

No one deciphers the secluded nausea, building in.

 

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I Wanted To Heal You….

 

I wanted; wanted

To take away all our pain,

To free you from your aches,

To envelope you in my embrace,

To make you forget all that can’t be erased.

 

I wanted; wanted

To kiss all your tears,

To chase away all your fears,

To taste all your wounds,

To chaperone you to the tombs.

 

I wanted; wanted

To cure you of your grief,

To surcease all your strife,

To heal your body, your soul,

To be your cure, an antidote.

 

I wanted; wanted

To give you all my happiness,

To bestow you only with blissfulness,

To free you of the enchains,

To liberate you, of all the restrains.

 

And in doing so,

I lost my exulted ecstasy,

My humorous joviality,

My peace, my calm,

My tranquility, the only charm.

 

And in doing so,

I reached someplace called inferno,

Burning, writhing, for how long I don’t know.

In healing you, I lost myself,

My body, my soul,

And there was left, no antidote.

*

Sometimes, I wonder though, if at all this is possible. You always wanted everything to fall in place for the other person, you always wanted peace and serenity for them, but in trying to do everything for them, can you really lose yourself? In doing something good for others can you really hurt yourself? Can you really torture and enchain yourself, so, so badly that you fear your presence? Can you really fall to some place so dark?

The Last 5 Days!!

I simply don’t understand where the last 5 days went. Every second that I have lived of 13th to 17th August 2018 seemed like eternity and yet I say, I don’t know how it all went by. I am only happy that it is in the past, and I pray, truly from the bottom of my heart that no one, not even my darkest enemy has to go through what me and my family had to go through in these last days.

Before I say anything I will say a big THANK YOU to all of you here, for it was only your words that I was holding on to. All I had was words and prayers, apart from it, I was helpless. Nothing was in my hands, and I am thankful that everything is getting better. I am not breathing in peace yet, but it’s getting better.

I was away from my city, though in a known place.

I was away from everyone I know, but with my parents.

There were four other people we knew as close family members, with us. These few people are the ones whom we have helped under all circumstances in times of crisis. And I have seen true colors of these few people in these last few days.

In these last few days, I have seen unknown faces smiling at me. I have seen the painful eyes searching for my pain. I have seen the helplessness of people with and without money. I have seen the sympathy that people give each other when they know each one is dealing with their own share of trauma, physical or emotional. I have seen teary eyes, and painful smiles, I have seen the steps of a person walking with a heavy stone tied to his feet.

I have seen this and felt it first hand.

And I truly pray, for that is all I can do, that no one, no one should go through this ever in their lives.

I thought I knew what being alone was. And then I saw something what actually being alone meant. I faced something which I never did before, or which I never thought I would. My lack of knowledge in so many different matters pricked me constantly, and my fear for all the matters relating finance pierced through me. And above all my fear for my loved ones was shaken from the roots.

If anything good has come out of these past few days is only one thing, which is a lesson learnt. I always thought that people stand with each other only in good times, where as in times of crisis, they run away as fast as they can. And in the past few days, this belief was doubly confirmed. My parents have been there for everyone in crucial periods, but when they actually needed help, they were alone. ALONE and LONELY!!

My belief has been confirmed, and it can never change now, that only your parents and your brother/sister/husband/wife is going to be with you at any point of time in your life. No one else, however close you are to them, or however much you have been there for them, are not going to be with you.

I am sorry if this belief is one sided from my experience, but I have been through enough situations where I have been left alone, battling with situations without a sword.

You say this is making me strong?

But my friend, this is only making me weaker from my deeper insides. I am losing faith, inch by inch, my hopes are falling, drop by drop.

I am sorry but I just feel this way. Everything seems blurred, and I feel lost in a path to an unknown destination.

Anyways, I am thankful to all of you, even just for letting me know, that you are there, wherever you are, in which ever part of the country/earth you are.

 

Sleepless night!

At 3 AM, I was still awake. I was kept awake, and it seemed sleep had no intention of befriending me that night. It was weird, I seldom have such sleepless nights and yet there I was staring at the ceiling of my room. I tried everything from reading to blinking my eyes continuously to try and get some sleep but the result being, still the overcrowded mind.

Twisting and turning to all the possible sleeping positions, I lost hope and sat upright. What was I to do? I had tired myself with everything and I really wanted to sleep. Sighing, I lied down again, and squished the extra pillow to my face.

After a while, the fan started to make some noise. Honestly, after 3 AM in the morning even my own footsteps would have scared me. I got up and switched off the fan. The weather was cool outside so I thought I could do without it. I was drifting off to sleep, I finally was but something kicked in to my mind, and just like that any possible chance of sleep went away.

I started to feel so warm suddenly I had to get up and switch on the air conditioner. I wouldn’t risk the fan again. But even the sound of the compressor was disturbing me now. I still left it on with a few hours timer, hoping with the cool air I would go off to sleep.

The last I saw the time was 4:30 and then suddenly I woke up with a start at 5:15. I was starting to feel cold. I put off the AC and then went off to sleep but the dear sleep de-friended me again just in few minutes time. At 5:40, I was wide awake again. I was feeling hot!

I risked the fan, and with a screech it went about giving me cool air, but I knew nothing could get me back to sleep, it was a lost hope. I opened the windows and the balcony door of my room, looking at the depressing sky, the sun was just about to come out but the clouds hided him well. The weather was cool outside, even drizzling a little bit, so I couldn’t even go out for a morning walk. And yet I felt warm and the need of fresh air. Fresh air? I was just breathing that, what else did I want? Silently, I returned to my room and slumped down on the bean bag.

To avoid boredom anymore, I put on some slow music on my phone. I had long lost hope for any proper sleep that night. I sat there, looking outside at the beautiful rain, slowly spreading across the morning making it duller and gloomy outside, hiding the faintest signs of sun.

At 6, I made myself a cup of coffee and sat there looking outside, rain water tricking down the tree leaves, falling onto the ground, creating a small puddle.