Tag Archives: lost

It Never Rained!

I leave my office

Ditch the elevator

And jump down the stairs.

I plan to go home

Early, yet again

And then I don’t go home.

I drive through the streets,

The long lost,

The long, waiting streets.

Accidentally, unintentionally

I lead myself to ‘the’ place,

The secluded one.

The isolated street

Stares at me

Gawking unblinkingly at me.

The tress on both sides

Look down upon me

And yet I keep driving.

I see a spot,

Finally, and park my vehicle.

And then I run!

I run as fast as I can

I run leaving behind every thought,

I run till I realize people are staring.

I keep running

Below the trees,

Beside the buzzing crowd.

I run till my legs ache

I run till my heart races

And my breath unsteadies.

I slow down

Find a bench

And sit down.

I realize it is more crowded than usual

I find people buzzing about more than usual,

I see some movie being shot.

I care in the least

And get lost

Sitting and breathing.

I don’t know what to do

With myself,

With this helplessness,

With this hopelessness.

And so I sit,

I crouch down

I close my eyes.

And then it rains.

It rains like it hasn’t all this year,

It rains as it rains after a drought,

It rains with thunder and lightening

With the road being muddy,

And the sky, a little, brightening.

It rains for quite a while,

And I sit there, all lost.

People keep staring

And I keep ignoring.

It keeps raining

And I keep breathing; drenching.

When all’s empty

I gather myself up,

Walk down to my vehicle,

And drive back home,

Only to realize, it never rained.

*******

Hi guys, hope all’s okay with you. I went on an unexpected, unintentional and an unwanted break, or should I call it an unexpected, unwanted, not so needed emergency. But here I am, sane and in one piece, back to my home!!

Eager as always to hear from you all.

 

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Certainty Of Life!

I most certainly know the way

And yet, I am certain that I am lost.

 

I undoubtedly know what’s in for tomorrow,

And yet, I am definite that I have no knowledge of tomorrow.

 

I am pretty assured what my past was

And yet, I have no notion where I came from.

 

All I know, all I can say for certain is

I am here, now in the present, happy, smiling.

 

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PS: Just was in the mood for that Sheldon’s mocking Laughter 😀

The Two Ends Of My Life!

Drinking that warm cup of coffee opening your morning newspaper, and reading the exact situation of your life in the paper. Yes, this was all my day was about today.

A very interesting column by Bikram Vohra titled “To sum up life” caught my eye and it was aptly hilarious for me. Not that the situation is. But the fact that my life is in such tatters and that this writer has accurately put pen to paper, was a little it amusing to me.

He pleads his left end of the life to meet the right end. He wonders, despite all the problems in the current scenario, why is everybody else doing so good in life, while his own life is only laughable. By the end he almost concludes saying that these two ends needn’t even meet. He’d be happy if only, the two separate ends would oblige him by accepting to be on the same book, by simply accepting that they live in the same planet.

The situation may not be true for him, but it sure is for me. For him, it might just be a column, but I’d safely say that it is my truth for now. While everyone else is doing good, or at least doing something, I feel I am stationed at a harbor for eternity, without a boat, without knowing how to swim, without a destination if I’d want to walk somewhere to. The only possibility is I keep walking without a feeling of satisfaction of having done something.

Yeah, yeah, you will say I will reach somewhere, have patience. Everyone reaches someplace sooner or later. Everyone takes their own time. I will reach someplace too. Yeah yeah yeah… but till then I can’t help feel this way. People rubbing their noses on me, making me realize how insignificant I am, how much good they are up to.

I am not comparing myself to others. All I ever want to is to be a better version of myself with every passing day, but sometimes I just lose it all and then feel like both ends of my life have kept me somewhere and have forgotten that they belong to me. These forgetful ends seem to have disowned me and have decided to never be in accord with me.

So, the two ends, please, will you please try and remember where I am, because I have tired myself searching for you, and you in return seem to enjoy this game of hide and seek. Please, will you please, if not meet each other or me, at the least agree to be in the same book, accept that we all live in the same planet?

 

 

Love Or Lust?

I was standing in front of the dresser, the mirror reflecting my red dress to perfection, my hair, as always remain untamed and in order only as much as I could bid them to be in. The only accessory defining my body was a pair of diamond studs, glinting in the lights above me. I was looking breathtaking, in my own simple way, or so I thought. (Always the self obsessed me) I was screwing one of the studs into my ears when I heard a knock on the door, and my heart skipped a beat.

 

Thoughts rushed into my mind, all at once, uninvited, unwanted, messing up with me. Should I have worn that little black dress after all? Was this too plain? Should I have worn those high stilettos instead of these sneakers? Was that bracelet more appropriate than this regular unadorned watch? Would just a bit of lipstick have done any harm? Should I have listened to my friend after all? Oh god, so many should’s and would’s, but it was all too late. “Stop frowning and open the door instead.” I tell myself. But my legs froze. It wouldn’t budge. And I kept puzzling myself.

 

“Move” but as always in times of urgency, my stubborn self wouldn’t even listen to myself.

 

The knock persisted, and then the door opened slightly, a small gap, a voice from somewhere, but I was all lost.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

And there he was, his charming self, smiling at me.

 

I was at a loss of words.

 

Say something, I screamed at myself. But all my dumb ass would do was to stand there and fidget nervously, uncomfortably.

 

I hadn’t even realized that I was looking right into his eyes, and as the realization dawns on me, I look down. I look everywhere but at him. I am at a loss of words, and I have no idea, what am I suppose to do now. I wonder if his presence is always going to make me go so weak. But it was not so before. Before, I could talk to him without any of these hesitations. How did this happen? How did I suddenly start drooling for this man? How did I suddenly loose my senses by just looking at this man? I wonder if this is always going to be like this? I wonder what he is thinking right now. I keep wondering…

 

And the next thing I know is, he is standing right in front of me, my hands in his, fingers entwined, his eyes glaring down on me, urging me to look at him. I succumb there, despite the realizations of my clammy hands. I look up. And that look, that smile? That’s enough to make me go weak in the knees. All the blood drains away from me, down to the edge of my toes, and I almost stop breathing. I look everywhere but at him, everywhere but at his smile, constantly teasing me.

 

He has pushed me to the wall, my brains have stopped working and I lose my breath when he is inches away from me. My stupid heart, which has lead me to this, standing in front of him, dumb founded? My stupid heart which did not listen to me; to neither of my warnings, that stupid heart is in my mouth, and is ready to jump off and leave me any second. In one swift motion he frees my hair and all I can think of is how long it’s going to take me to do them again. And I laugh at my own callousness. I mean, this magnificent man, right here, is standing in front of me, I am almost in his arms, and all I can think of is how long would it take for me to tie them again? “Just don’t tie them, you fool!” I scold myself.

 

He puts a rigid lock of hair behind my ears and bends a little towards it, as if to say something. I can hear his steady breaths, but he stays there, just smiling, not saying a word. How I wished for him to say something, anything, anything that could break the silence. Anything that could make my mind stop having thoughts leading to God knows where. Anything to know what he has in his mind, what he is thinking? His cool breaths tingling my skin, sending shivers down me; the kind of shivers and feelings I have never felt before.

 

I am drawn towards him, closer and yet closer, thinking how much closer can I get anymore? But the space seems never ending. He grips me at the waist, and in a flash I am right in his arms. I clutch at his soft flannel shirt, knowing not what to do. I fail to look at him now. His hands were caressing my arms, tickling me. What the hell was happening? Tickles were my best friend, and now even they betrayed me? What the hell happened to not being tickled by anyone? Here I was all shivering, with his slight touch. WHAT WAS WRONG?

 

Will he ever stop smiling and staring at me like that?

 

But he comes even closer, making me wonder where exactly is the distance anymore? He stoops, his hands at my waist, his lips, searching mine. But he stays there, breathing softly against my lips, I can feel his smile, I can listen to my own small rapid breaths, and then he bites me, a soft— languid— lusting— bite at the corner of my mouth, faintly piercing at my lower lip, not even trying to kiss me. No lips, no tongues and yet this was enough. Turned on was not even close to what I felt.

 

Yes, this was enough. My mind literally stopped working, and my heart had fled not my mouth but my entire body, I had no sense of what exactly was happening. Yes this was enough. All the breaths leave me; my heart stops first, and then starts drumming against my chest and in my ears, as he withdraws his face a tiny bit. I could feel a hot sensation on my face burning from within, and I turned scarlet. All the blood drains away from me, even my feet feel weak, as if something, everything was sucked out of me. I grip tighter onto his shirt, as if that was the only thing helping me to realize that this wasn’t a dream, my feet scratching the floor only to feel there was a floor beneath me. Oh, I melt. I melt, under his pulling gaze. I have Goosebumps even at the back of my neck. And there are butterflies, well; an army of butterflies doing God knows what inside my stomach. I didn’t even realize that I had held my breath until he withdrew completely and held my hands again, piercing down at me with an all-new hunger in his eyes. The kind of hunger reminding me of my all my crazy fantasies, of all kinds of Christian Grey’s and all kinds of inner goddesses. But then he withdrew, his smile seemingly teasing my train of thoughts.

 

His forehead rests on mine, smiling his sexy, casual smile above me. And I blush; I blush like I have never blushed before in his presence. I have no idea what is going on. Why didn’t he kiss me? I mean he already almost did it, but then why did he withdraw himself? Why leave something incomplete? I was eager, as I had never been before. I was wanting, as I had never been before. What exactly was happening? I had never acted this dumb before, never! I could not look into his eyes; I could not even muster the courage to speak. Was I really I?

 

Face flushed hot, I somehow bear to look at him, to look at those lustrous eyes, at those sensual smiles.

 

“You look gorgeous, and as much as I’d like to stand here, looking at you blushing, we have to get going. I am pretty sure you wouldn’t want to miss the beginning of the show.” He winks at me.

 

Show? I couldn’t even remember anything about the show anymore. I had wanted to go there for so long, and somehow the tickets were arranged, and now all I was wondering was how could he leave me there, mid way in the air, after what he just did to me.

 

“I am waiting downstairs.” And that is all I hear before he closes the door behind him.

 

He leaves me there, with a hoarse breathing; wanting, confused, devoid of all the confidence of looking “breathtaking in my own simplicity”. What was I even thinking saying that in the first place? No man with his looks, and his charms, and his smile, and his eyes…. Could call me breathtaking! And yet there I was, thinking, God knows what?

 

I give one look to myself in the mirror, and I think there was too much makeup on my cheeks, only realizing that there was none to begin with. Oh god!! Was I a complete lost case? How did this happen? What exactly was this? God, what he does to me!! What was it? What is it? I am certain I am not in love. Or am I? NO!! May be this is lust!! Yes, lust, I tell myself. I just want him. But do I? No, but this wasn’t lust? I mean it felt something more than that. Sure, everyone says that. But wouldn’t lust would have lead to something more than this. Wouldn’t it? Oh Lord, I am screwed!!

 

And suddenly, everything seemed perfect, the red dress, zero make-up, no accessories, the not-so-tied-untamed-hair, and the sneakers. All was perfect; except the foolish smile. Everything seemed perfect but that stupid smile that I was wearing.

 

In a second, all came back to me, the show. Yes, I didn’t want to miss it. I grabbed my phone and wallet and rushed downstairs, to find him waiting by the door. He stood aside for me, ever the gentleman that he was, and soon we were walking side by side in the fresh air, in that cool after-rain evening, brushing hands against each other’s.

 

Forgetting To Live.

When I was young, like a very small kid, I wanted to grow old, not like my grandma or grandpa old, but old like my elder brother. So that I could have the chances which he had, so that I could do what he could do.

Then when I thought I was like my brother, how old he used to be, then I wanted to grow older than him, so that I could live how he lived, without anyone bossing over me.

When I was really old, like you know the recent adult? I wanted to become someone who was stable, with a proper job, and all that, you know.

Then, I was old, like you know who had a job, and a little money, and something, and then I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to be the one whom I saw on the street the other day, the one with a husband, and two cute little children.

When I was the one with the cute little children, I wanted to be the one that I saw from across my house, you know the old lady cribbing at her old man, for not doing something, for not understanding her, and yet how you could tell that they had grown old together.

Then when I was that old lady, I wanted yet something else. I wanted to be the free individual who lived next door, so that I could travel like him.

And then I wanted something else too…..

 

My point being, all our lives we keep wanting things. We want, and we want. We are never satisfied, ad we never will be. May be, we want something and we get it, and then we don’t want it anymore. May be we do get it and now we want something else. We keep pining for things we don’t have, never relishing what we actually have. We keep trying to push ourselves to get more, not realizing that in the process we are losing what we have.

We keep wanting to live in a way, never realizing that we are forgetting to actually live in the life that we are supposed to be living.

 

I Wanted To Heal You….!!

Yesterday, I posted this, and I felt exactly the words deep in my life, something that came out from inside my heart, but somehow I was not satisfied with the end. I hated my own poetry, my own work, my own thoughts, leaving my readers and myself without hope, and hence I came up with a little different conclusion today.

 

Do let me know which one of the endings did you like more?

 

I wanted; wanted

To take away all our pain,

To free you from your aches,

To envelope you in my embrace,

To make you forget all that can’t be erased.

 

I wanted; wanted

To kiss all your tears,

To chase away all your fears,

To taste all your wounds,

To chaperone you to the tombs.

 

I wanted; wanted

To cure you of your grief,

To surcease all your strife,

To heal your body, your soul,

To be your cure, an antidote.

 

I wanted; wanted

To give you all my happiness,

To bestow you only with blissfulness,

To free you of the enchains,

To liberate you, of all the restrains.

 

And in doing so,

I lost my exulted ecstasy,

My humorous joviality,

My peace, my calm,

My tranquility, the only charm.

 

And in doing so,

I reached someplace called inferno,

Burning, writhing, for how long I don’t know.

In healing you, I lost myself,

My body, my soul,

And there was left, no antidote.

 

 

But then someday, one day,

I rose to that Elysium,

Finessing away all your delirium,

Proliferating my poise,

Vanquishing the void,

Conquering the little forgotten calm,

Regaining all the lost charm.

And I liberated from your chains, with time,

The long lost, yet my lustrous smile.

 

 

 

 

I Wanted To Heal You….

 

I wanted; wanted

To take away all our pain,

To free you from your aches,

To envelope you in my embrace,

To make you forget all that can’t be erased.

 

I wanted; wanted

To kiss all your tears,

To chase away all your fears,

To taste all your wounds,

To chaperone you to the tombs.

 

I wanted; wanted

To cure you of your grief,

To surcease all your strife,

To heal your body, your soul,

To be your cure, an antidote.

 

I wanted; wanted

To give you all my happiness,

To bestow you only with blissfulness,

To free you of the enchains,

To liberate you, of all the restrains.

 

And in doing so,

I lost my exulted ecstasy,

My humorous joviality,

My peace, my calm,

My tranquility, the only charm.

 

And in doing so,

I reached someplace called inferno,

Burning, writhing, for how long I don’t know.

In healing you, I lost myself,

My body, my soul,

And there was left, no antidote.

*

Sometimes, I wonder though, if at all this is possible. You always wanted everything to fall in place for the other person, you always wanted peace and serenity for them, but in trying to do everything for them, can you really lose yourself? In doing something good for others can you really hurt yourself? Can you really torture and enchain yourself, so, so badly that you fear your presence? Can you really fall to some place so dark?