Tag Archives: love

Love Or Lust?

I was standing in front of the dresser, the mirror reflecting my red dress to perfection, my hair, as always remain untamed and in order only as much as I could bid them to be in. The only accessory defining my body was a pair of diamond studs, glinting in the lights above me. I was looking breathtaking, in my own simple way, or so I thought. (Always the self obsessed me) I was screwing one of the studs into my ears when I heard a knock on the door, and my heart skipped a beat.

 

Thoughts rushed into my mind, all at once, uninvited, unwanted, messing up with me. Should I have worn that little black dress after all? Was this too plain? Should I have worn those high stilettos instead of these sneakers? Was that bracelet more appropriate than this regular unadorned watch? Would just a bit of lipstick have done any harm? Should I have listened to my friend after all? Oh god, so many should’s and would’s, but it was all too late. “Stop frowning and open the door instead.” I tell myself. But my legs froze. It wouldn’t budge. And I kept puzzling myself.

 

“Move” but as always in times of urgency, my stubborn self wouldn’t even listen to myself.

 

The knock persisted, and then the door opened slightly, a small gap, a voice from somewhere, but I was all lost.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

And there he was, his charming self, smiling at me.

 

I was at a loss of words.

 

Say something, I screamed at myself. But all my dumb ass would do was to stand there and fidget nervously, uncomfortably.

 

I hadn’t even realized that I was looking right into his eyes, and as the realization dawns on me, I look down. I look everywhere but at him. I am at a loss of words, and I have no idea, what am I suppose to do now. I wonder if his presence is always going to make me go so weak. But it was not so before. Before, I could talk to him without any of these hesitations. How did this happen? How did I suddenly start drooling for this man? How did I suddenly loose my senses by just looking at this man? I wonder if this is always going to be like this? I wonder what he is thinking right now. I keep wondering…

 

And the next thing I know is, he is standing right in front of me, my hands in his, fingers entwined, his eyes glaring down on me, urging me to look at him. I succumb there, despite the realizations of my clammy hands. I look up. And that look, that smile? That’s enough to make me go weak in the knees. All the blood drains away from me, down to the edge of my toes, and I almost stop breathing. I look everywhere but at him, everywhere but at his smile, constantly teasing me.

 

He has pushed me to the wall, my brains have stopped working and I lose my breath when he is inches away from me. My stupid heart, which has lead me to this, standing in front of him, dumb founded? My stupid heart which did not listen to me; to neither of my warnings, that stupid heart is in my mouth, and is ready to jump off and leave me any second. In one swift motion he frees my hair and all I can think of is how long it’s going to take me to do them again. And I laugh at my own callousness. I mean, this magnificent man, right here, is standing in front of me, I am almost in his arms, and all I can think of is how long would it take for me to tie them again? “Just don’t tie them, you fool!” I scold myself.

 

He puts a rigid lock of hair behind my ears and bends a little towards it, as if to say something. I can hear his steady breaths, but he stays there, just smiling, not saying a word. How I wished for him to say something, anything, anything that could break the silence. Anything that could make my mind stop having thoughts leading to God knows where. Anything to know what he has in his mind, what he is thinking? His cool breaths tingling my skin, sending shivers down me; the kind of shivers and feelings I have never felt before.

 

I am drawn towards him, closer and yet closer, thinking how much closer can I get anymore? But the space seems never ending. He grips me at the waist, and in a flash I am right in his arms. I clutch at his soft flannel shirt, knowing not what to do. I fail to look at him now. His hands were caressing my arms, tickling me. What the hell was happening? Tickles were my best friend, and now even they betrayed me? What the hell happened to not being tickled by anyone? Here I was all shivering, with his slight touch. WHAT WAS WRONG?

 

Will he ever stop smiling and staring at me like that?

 

But he comes even closer, making me wonder where exactly is the distance anymore? He stoops, his hands at my waist, his lips, searching mine. But he stays there, breathing softly against my lips, I can feel his smile, I can listen to my own small rapid breaths, and then he bites me, a soft— languid— lusting— bite at the corner of my mouth, faintly piercing at my lower lip, not even trying to kiss me. No lips, no tongues and yet this was enough. Turned on was not even close to what I felt.

 

Yes, this was enough. My mind literally stopped working, and my heart had fled not my mouth but my entire body, I had no sense of what exactly was happening. Yes this was enough. All the breaths leave me; my heart stops first, and then starts drumming against my chest and in my ears, as he withdraws his face a tiny bit. I could feel a hot sensation on my face burning from within, and I turned scarlet. All the blood drains away from me, even my feet feel weak, as if something, everything was sucked out of me. I grip tighter onto his shirt, as if that was the only thing helping me to realize that this wasn’t a dream, my feet scratching the floor only to feel there was a floor beneath me. Oh, I melt. I melt, under his pulling gaze. I have Goosebumps even at the back of my neck. And there are butterflies, well; an army of butterflies doing God knows what inside my stomach. I didn’t even realize that I had held my breath until he withdrew completely and held my hands again, piercing down at me with an all-new hunger in his eyes. The kind of hunger reminding me of my all my crazy fantasies, of all kinds of Christian Grey’s and all kinds of inner goddesses. But then he withdrew, his smile seemingly teasing my train of thoughts.

 

His forehead rests on mine, smiling his sexy, casual smile above me. And I blush; I blush like I have never blushed before in his presence. I have no idea what is going on. Why didn’t he kiss me? I mean he already almost did it, but then why did he withdraw himself? Why leave something incomplete? I was eager, as I had never been before. I was wanting, as I had never been before. What exactly was happening? I had never acted this dumb before, never! I could not look into his eyes; I could not even muster the courage to speak. Was I really I?

 

Face flushed hot, I somehow bear to look at him, to look at those lustrous eyes, at those sensual smiles.

 

“You look gorgeous, and as much as I’d like to stand here, looking at you blushing, we have to get going. I am pretty sure you wouldn’t want to miss the beginning of the show.” He winks at me.

 

Show? I couldn’t even remember anything about the show anymore. I had wanted to go there for so long, and somehow the tickets were arranged, and now all I was wondering was how could he leave me there, mid way in the air, after what he just did to me.

 

“I am waiting downstairs.” And that is all I hear before he closes the door behind him.

 

He leaves me there, with a hoarse breathing; wanting, confused, devoid of all the confidence of looking “breathtaking in my own simplicity”. What was I even thinking saying that in the first place? No man with his looks, and his charms, and his smile, and his eyes…. Could call me breathtaking! And yet there I was, thinking, God knows what?

 

I give one look to myself in the mirror, and I think there was too much makeup on my cheeks, only realizing that there was none to begin with. Oh god!! Was I a complete lost case? How did this happen? What exactly was this? God, what he does to me!! What was it? What is it? I am certain I am not in love. Or am I? NO!! May be this is lust!! Yes, lust, I tell myself. I just want him. But do I? No, but this wasn’t lust? I mean it felt something more than that. Sure, everyone says that. But wouldn’t lust would have lead to something more than this. Wouldn’t it? Oh Lord, I am screwed!!

 

And suddenly, everything seemed perfect, the red dress, zero make-up, no accessories, the not-so-tied-untamed-hair, and the sneakers. All was perfect; except the foolish smile. Everything seemed perfect but that stupid smile that I was wearing.

 

In a second, all came back to me, the show. Yes, I didn’t want to miss it. I grabbed my phone and wallet and rushed downstairs, to find him waiting by the door. He stood aside for me, ever the gentleman that he was, and soon we were walking side by side in the fresh air, in that cool after-rain evening, brushing hands against each other’s.

 

One Big Happy Family #5

First the warning which is very essential for the posts like this: If you are looking for heads and tails to a story, do not, I repeat do not proceed reading this post, not even as much as look at the pictures.

*

You guys, Mr. A is in so much of distress. This sweet little man, is pining for his Mrs, who because of some misunderstanding has gone away from him. I feel so terrible for Mr. A that I thought I’d go and find Mrs. B myself. But I had to deal with Mr. Z first, who, in the first place has created so much of trouble in my only happy ever after.

In my absence that evil Mr. Z has put seeds of suspicion in the mind of that innocent Mrs. B and now my one big happy family is in danger. See for yourself, the place looks so empty without them. 😦

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I miss them you know.

But then one find day, I saw Mr. A crying in vain for his beloved. I could hear him singing that very song, Gumshuda, O Gumshuda.. Dekhne mein hai haseen
Rehti hai yahin kahin
Kho gayi, haan kho gayi
Woh pari, woh apsara, dilnashi, dilruba
Kho gayi, haan kho gayi

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See, my Mr. A has become a hopeless romantic just like SRK.

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I guess seeing him so heart broken, melted down Mrs. B, and she came back to their old abode one fine evening.

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But she had her own tantrums. She came back, but she wouldn’t talk to Mr. A.

That sweet and caring Mr. A and she wouldn’t talk to him.

But Mr. A wouldn’t loose hope, and he started his own pattern of wooing her again.

Somehow, he convinced her to stay with him for at least a few days. But that stubborn Mrs. B wouldn’t agree. In the end after a long argument it was decided that they would stay at the same place, but in different rooms since now, she needed her ‘own space!!’

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Of course Mr. A, the ever romantic that he is, didn’t give up. He kept calling from his above room, and sang to her the entire melody of-

Main Yahan Tu Wahan, Jindagi Hai Kahan
Tu Hi Tu Hai Sanam Dekhta Hoon Jahan
Neend Aati Nahi Yaad Jaati Nahi
Bin Tere Abb Jiya Jaaye Naa…..
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See the tears!! How could she not melt??
And yet, she remained determined in not talking to him. So my Mr. A decided to ask her out on a date, where finally, she melted. Oh what smiles it brought out on that face of my dear romantic hero.
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Oh he even played the background music 😀
Do Dil Mil Rahe Hain
Magar Chupke Chupke
Sabhko Ho Rahi Hai
Haan Sabhko Ho Rahi Hai
Khabar Chupke Chupke……..
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And he even cried that ‘Tussi ja rahe ho? Tussi na jao” wala dialogue when they were leaving.
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But the very adamant Mrs. B had to leave him, only to teach him God knows what!! So they parted ways, and after a few days, just in time when their kids were about to come home from their long vacation, they united.
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And the kids even sang the ever melodramatic- Janmon Ke Saathi Hum Saath Saath Hain for their parents……
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And my one big happy family lives happily ever after.
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I am telling you, so far as happy ending goes, this is what I have, and I am going to try and do everything to keep this so.
And I presume that by now you know how crazy and irrational I can get through my posts sometimes. So if you have come this far, I truly thank you to bear with this crazy and stupid woman, time and again.
PS: Sorry to those who wouldn’t have heard these songs and will literally be unable to make heads and tails of the story.

I Wanted To Heal You….!!

Yesterday, I posted this, and I felt exactly the words deep in my life, something that came out from inside my heart, but somehow I was not satisfied with the end. I hated my own poetry, my own work, my own thoughts, leaving my readers and myself without hope, and hence I came up with a little different conclusion today.

 

Do let me know which one of the endings did you like more?

 

I wanted; wanted

To take away all our pain,

To free you from your aches,

To envelope you in my embrace,

To make you forget all that can’t be erased.

 

I wanted; wanted

To kiss all your tears,

To chase away all your fears,

To taste all your wounds,

To chaperone you to the tombs.

 

I wanted; wanted

To cure you of your grief,

To surcease all your strife,

To heal your body, your soul,

To be your cure, an antidote.

 

I wanted; wanted

To give you all my happiness,

To bestow you only with blissfulness,

To free you of the enchains,

To liberate you, of all the restrains.

 

And in doing so,

I lost my exulted ecstasy,

My humorous joviality,

My peace, my calm,

My tranquility, the only charm.

 

And in doing so,

I reached someplace called inferno,

Burning, writhing, for how long I don’t know.

In healing you, I lost myself,

My body, my soul,

And there was left, no antidote.

 

 

But then someday, one day,

I rose to that Elysium,

Finessing away all your delirium,

Proliferating my poise,

Vanquishing the void,

Conquering the little forgotten calm,

Regaining all the lost charm.

And I liberated from your chains, with time,

The long lost, yet my lustrous smile.

 

 

 

 

I Wanted To Heal You….

 

I wanted; wanted

To take away all our pain,

To free you from your aches,

To envelope you in my embrace,

To make you forget all that can’t be erased.

 

I wanted; wanted

To kiss all your tears,

To chase away all your fears,

To taste all your wounds,

To chaperone you to the tombs.

 

I wanted; wanted

To cure you of your grief,

To surcease all your strife,

To heal your body, your soul,

To be your cure, an antidote.

 

I wanted; wanted

To give you all my happiness,

To bestow you only with blissfulness,

To free you of the enchains,

To liberate you, of all the restrains.

 

And in doing so,

I lost my exulted ecstasy,

My humorous joviality,

My peace, my calm,

My tranquility, the only charm.

 

And in doing so,

I reached someplace called inferno,

Burning, writhing, for how long I don’t know.

In healing you, I lost myself,

My body, my soul,

And there was left, no antidote.

*

Sometimes, I wonder though, if at all this is possible. You always wanted everything to fall in place for the other person, you always wanted peace and serenity for them, but in trying to do everything for them, can you really lose yourself? In doing something good for others can you really hurt yourself? Can you really torture and enchain yourself, so, so badly that you fear your presence? Can you really fall to some place so dark?

Why do You Hide From Me?

I have my own doubts and reluctance when it comes to this poetry, if at all it can be called one. I wrote it almost a year ago, and have never come about to posting it. So now you know how much I was hesitant to share this with anyone. It has taken me a year and another three days to have the courage to share this with you or anyone for that matter.

So now before I change my mind, I am going to hit publish, and let you guys judge me..

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*

Where are you hiding away from me?

Why, dear love, why do you hide from me?

 

Are you hiding beneath the sky?

The sky that is dark and gloomy

The empty face

That is raining down on me?

 

Are you hiding betwixt the stars?

The stars, magnificent and twinkling

A beautiful constellation

That is shining upon me?

 

Are you hiding behind the full moon?

A moon, calm and comforting

The complete façade

That is spreading its borrowed light on me?

 

Are you hiding among the woods?

The woods and trees that seem all lonely

The empty silence

That is lumbering down on me?

Are you hiding behind the sun?

The sun that is bright and radiant

The blinding fury

That is scorching down on me?

 

Are you hiding behind the mountains?

The mountains that are far and away

The scratchy road

That is soaring upon me?

 

Are you hiding among the seas and oceans?

The oceans that are waving in

The tumultuous uproar

That is really trembling me?

 

Are you hiding among the winds?

The winds, rapid and raw

A soft touch

That is truly whistling down on me?

 

In vain you hide from me

Why, dear love, why do you hide from me?

*

Thank you once again, if you have come this far!! Did not expect you to.

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The Special Bond.

The bond that we share

Is really very special,

It is the warmth, the love, the care,

That exceeds all level.

 

Your unshared, unconditional love

Has still, never been enough,

The humane wish of always wanting more,

Has left me without you; hollow to the core.

 

I replay in my mind

The unintentional, inconsequential fights.

I laugh aloud,

With tears in my eyes.

 

Do you remember the reason of our squabbles?

I, for one can remember no such troubles.

All the memories that rushes through,

Pictures our happiness true.

 

Sweet savourings shared together,

Has not reached me this un-fateful year.

Would you have missed me today?

What a wrong question I have come to say.

 

It isn’t just sad

That this Rakhi, I am not with you,

Don’t get mad,

But I am still happy for you.

 

We have never settled

Not on a single thing,

But the love inclines,

That keeps us always stringed.
This may be a new endeavor

But my dear, always remember,

The bond that we share,

Is really very special,

It is the warmth, the love, the care,

That exceeds all level.

*

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A little something, something very naive and simple,  for my precious brother who is not with me on this special occasion of ‘Raksha Bandhan’

I don’t say it, and I won’t say it, but you must know, that I do love you.

I will kick you, I will fight with you, and I will also love you but that is only my right. If someone else even tries to hurt you, he/she will have to pay for it!! I mean it!!

*

Originally posted on August 7th, 2018.

A Million Little Things!

From unknown to known,

From being fellow bloggers to blogger friends,

From reading to sharing,

From solace to comfort,

From silence to spreading the thought,

You lovely people have stayed with me,

Carried the burden of my unjustifiable words,

Put along with my never-ending emotional tantrums,

And also entertained me with some of my irrational posts,

More so this has all happened without any judgements on my character,

And all the more, you have given me,

A million little things to cherish;

For which I can’t thank anyone of you enough.

All of you, every one of you have always remained,

And will always remain close to my heart.

A big thank you,

And a very Happy friendships day.

For a friend is not one who talks to you everyday, and hangs out with you, who brings you gifts and cuts a cake with you on your birthday, with whom you share all your secrets and with whom you go shopping. He is not someone with whom you just discuss your latest girl crush, or with whom you go out and eat because you are in the mood.

A friend is someone who is simply there for you when you need them, who will sit at home and listen to you while you ramble away all your miseries, again and again. He is someone who will know what’s wrong, with one look, and will not let go until you let go of what you are hiding. He is someone who will laugh at you after knowing, what’s troubling you, but will be with you all the same. A friend is not someone who posts with you 20 different photos on social media, but in the end, forgets that there is a life outside of social media. (I get the irony of posting this on a blog)

Walter Winchell was absolutely right in saying, “A friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”