Tag Archives: mind

The Arrested Fear.

I am sitting

Huddled among my friends

Or beside my love

But I am sitting

And I am laughing, talking.

I am happy.

Or so I thought-

For I was sure, sitting

But I was alone

Where did he go?

Why did the people leave me?

I was confused

Scared.

And then I saw someone

A pair of innocent black eyes

Walking towards me

Callously strolling,

A flicker of smile

Spread across his handsome face.

His bare chest

Trailing down to a carved V

Ending right above the

Loose white pair of trousers.

His pace quickens

And his eyes aren’t innocent anymore.

His smile isn’t handsome anymore.

And I get up and run.

I run.

But where do I run?

Somehow, I am on a five inch wide railing

And he is walking on it,

Towards me.

But I can’t walk.

I can barely stand straight.

He is walking.

And I am freezing.

I realize- I need to get away

And so I shut my eyes

And jump.

But there is nowhere to jump.

There is no railing

There is no falling

There is nothing.

But then where am I standing?

I open my eyes in a hurry

To find all blurry.

He is still walking towards me

And I am still there

Somewhere!

I need to run, I remind myself

So I run.

I am running back

To there

As far as I can see

And he is inches away from me

Devoid of any hurry

But full of innocence

And if there is innocence

Then why am I running away?

But I run.

I still run

Panting

Tired

Without a sense

I run.

There is a pleading noise from behind me

But I am so scared

I still run

And then there is nothing

Except for a log jump

Off the elongated sky

And then there are

Stairs.

So I run off them

Two at a time.

I keep going down

I run without a breath

Devoid of a thought

Panting

Sweating

Trembling

With fear.

And after about a hundred stairs

I am blocked.

There are four walls

No doors.

And I beat myself against each one of them

None moves.

I try again.

I am terrified.

Horrified.

I am tired.

I here a meek laughter from above

But I see no one.

There is nothing.

And I am trapped.

But how am I trapped

When there is nothing?

Yet, here I am

Eyes aghast

Fear gripping every inch of my body

The faint innocent eyes hiding

My soul writhing in agony

The dream subsiding the depravity.

Advertisements

Hopes And Expectations!

Unknown

Just wondering..

While on the one hand you are striving towards it, and on the other there is only faith and a vain belief.

What exactly happens?

Does that belief turn into the expectations that we are taught not to have?

Or the hope itself is a reflection on the said expectations which we are not suppose to have?

Or, is there a fine line between hope and expectations which I am blinded not to see?

Or they are just two words trying to play with my mind?

Any thoughts?

 

Calm!!

This is what I came upon social media today. Guess, being socially active is not after all, all bad?

img_0015.png

A much needed respite from daily humdrum, from routine monotony, from everyday expectations.

Try it, it does look, sound and feel peaceful!

 

Forgetting To Live.

When I was young, like a very small kid, I wanted to grow old, not like my grandma or grandpa old, but old like my elder brother. So that I could have the chances which he had, so that I could do what he could do.

Then when I thought I was like my brother, how old he used to be, then I wanted to grow older than him, so that I could live how he lived, without anyone bossing over me.

When I was really old, like you know the recent adult? I wanted to become someone who was stable, with a proper job, and all that, you know.

Then, I was old, like you know who had a job, and a little money, and something, and then I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to be the one whom I saw on the street the other day, the one with a husband, and two cute little children.

When I was the one with the cute little children, I wanted to be the one that I saw from across my house, you know the old lady cribbing at her old man, for not doing something, for not understanding her, and yet how you could tell that they had grown old together.

Then when I was that old lady, I wanted yet something else. I wanted to be the free individual who lived next door, so that I could travel like him.

And then I wanted something else too…..

 

My point being, all our lives we keep wanting things. We want, and we want. We are never satisfied, ad we never will be. May be, we want something and we get it, and then we don’t want it anymore. May be we do get it and now we want something else. We keep pining for things we don’t have, never relishing what we actually have. We keep trying to push ourselves to get more, not realizing that in the process we are losing what we have.

We keep wanting to live in a way, never realizing that we are forgetting to actually live in the life that we are supposed to be living.

 

I Wanted To Heal You….

 

I wanted; wanted

To take away all our pain,

To free you from your aches,

To envelope you in my embrace,

To make you forget all that can’t be erased.

 

I wanted; wanted

To kiss all your tears,

To chase away all your fears,

To taste all your wounds,

To chaperone you to the tombs.

 

I wanted; wanted

To cure you of your grief,

To surcease all your strife,

To heal your body, your soul,

To be your cure, an antidote.

 

I wanted; wanted

To give you all my happiness,

To bestow you only with blissfulness,

To free you of the enchains,

To liberate you, of all the restrains.

 

And in doing so,

I lost my exulted ecstasy,

My humorous joviality,

My peace, my calm,

My tranquility, the only charm.

 

And in doing so,

I reached someplace called inferno,

Burning, writhing, for how long I don’t know.

In healing you, I lost myself,

My body, my soul,

And there was left, no antidote.

*

Sometimes, I wonder though, if at all this is possible. You always wanted everything to fall in place for the other person, you always wanted peace and serenity for them, but in trying to do everything for them, can you really lose yourself? In doing something good for others can you really hurt yourself? Can you really torture and enchain yourself, so, so badly that you fear your presence? Can you really fall to some place so dark?

Words!

Words are important.

What I wrote above are just three words, but if I sit and think about it, it is as significant as words for me.

A person really needs to think what he is saying before he speaks those words out, before it is too late. You cannot take back those words.

Words are a person’s thoughts, his mind, you can really make a person feel loved by them or you can break a person too.

Words are simply significant.

For me words are my feelings, my heart, my soul, my truth. Whatever language they may be in, it doesn’t matter, words are words, and they are me.

I speak very less in person, I like to listen more. (Because most of the time the other person does not like to listen.). But there is a reason I speak less. I think I have no right judging and forcing my views on others. This does not mean I keep things to myself, I let my feelings out too, but in a more measured and careful way. I can’t just bring myself to destroy the other’s belief, right or wrong. May be I overthink this too, as I overthink everything else, but when someone tells me something, I believe it, when someone is rude with his words, I tend to get hurt, or I think I get over-hurt; when someone says something nice to me, I get over-joyed, all because I love the words they have said. I give so much importance to those words, when in actuality they could do with a little less paparazzi. (Only to avoid getting overjoyed and over-destroyed)

But what can I say, I may be an emotional fool to say that words touch me where people fail to.

Words are significant to me.

They touch my soul.

 

Heart! Mind! Or a Grammar Nazi?

Most of the time when I write or post something, it gets confused for being true. Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it is a part of my delusion or imagination. Whatever be it, imagination or truth there is one thing that keeps getting in my way, which is whether to write it with my heart at hand or with my mind. This dilemma between heart and mind is constant, not for me alone but for almost everyone. And it is true to writing too, that when it comes to a battle between heart and mind there is absolutely no one who can win.

If you think with your heart your mind loses but if you consider things with your mind your heart loses. There is nothing new here, right?

But there is a set pattern I have noticed in myself, in my writings precisely. Going through my past posts and or certain unpublished pieces I realised that when I have written with rationality the pieces are fine, but when I have my emotions out, I make mistakes as silly as no one who knows proper grammar will make.

Yesterday going through one of my posts, I remembered a long lost incident from my school. When I was in my early school days my English teacher used to make sure that we made no grammatical errors in our grammar paper, for this she would go to really great extremes, so much, as when we made a certain mistake we would have to write it on a sheet of paper at least 50 times. Writing that correct sentence for so many times, I don’t think anyone would make that mistake again. One such time even I had written sentences like, “No sooner did….” And “I didn’t know….”  For 50 times so that I would never make that mistake again. And that is how I remember even today how the tenses work.

But when yesterday I was reading one particular post where my heart was literally put out into words, I realised that I had lost sense of grammar and I had literally gone as far as writing, “I didn’t knew.” (I am ashamed!)

If my English teacher would read that today, she would laugh at me till her cheeks would hurt. First she wouldn’t even believe that I could write that, and then if she would have believed it, finally, then she would certainly laugh at my callousness, and loss of my sanity.

So we go to such extremes, isn’t it, when our hearts are not in their places? Or should I say when our minds are not in our places?

Can there ever be equilibrium when it comes to the matters of heart? Can we ever rationalise things or we are for ever to be acting as the lost ones when we just cannot chose between our hearts and minds?