Tag Archives: nothingness

When You Just Cannot Breathe!

I was strangled. A rope tied around my neck, the grip was getting tighter by the second, and my eyes were widening with the same force. Beads of sweat rolled from my forehead, to the corners of my cheeks, towards the chin falling onto my breasts, mingling with the musk beneath.

 

I tried to free my hands, my legs, but all I could do was to sway in motion on the floor, wriggling like a paralyzed dog. Then came the panic attack and I couldn’t breathe, I thought it was just an attack out of fear, but no I couldn’t breathe any more. My mouth was trying to tear through the duct tape- in vain kissing it. My eyesight was simply wading, I could barely see any more. People were coming in, finally coming in view, but just at that very moment my eyes gave in, my senses were crumbling. Legs were moving in front of me, I could see through the watery eyes, despite the blazing fury. I could listen to their heartfelt laughter, despite the wringing noise in my ears.

I kicked one last time, in vain.

I gripped my hands with the fingers through the rope, in vain.

I stomped, wriggled, in vain.

I craned my neck, in vain.

I breathed the last sigh, trying to relieve the pain, but in vain.

I strained to see, but all in vain.

I shut my eyes, falling deep, deep into the oceans of nothingness, uncertainty.

I was so choked up, I just couldn’t breathe, I lost all hope, surrendering to that uncertainty.

And just then I woke up, finally breathing again.

I Am!

I am—yet what I am none cares or knows;
My friends forsake me like a memory lost:
I am the self-consumer of my woes—
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shadows in love’s frenzied stifled throes
And yet I am, and live—like vapours tossed
Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life or joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life’s esteems;
Even the dearest that I loved the best
Are strange—nay, rather, stranger than the rest.
I long for scenes where man hath never trod
A place where woman never smiled or wept
There to abide with my Creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie
The grass below—above the vaulted sky.
John Clare.
Unknown
If you have known me for a while, you’ll know that I fall in love very easily, and even more easily when the person I fall in love with, writes so beautifully, (or the thing that I fall for is such a wonderful poem) expresses so wonderfully, almost speaks what I want to speak without even having to say it. So after my love for Kamala Das, Sylvia Plath, Bronte sisters, Emily Dickinson, Pablo Neruda, (and of course some Urdu poets which I have come to know about very recently) now I have fallen for this very beautiful man/poet John Clare. Yes, he is my new love, and this poem is my very new addiction that I am reading again and again and yet again.
No, I am not cheating on the others, oh come on I could never do that.  I think I just have an open relationship with all my lovelies. 😉

Fallen To This New Level!

 

I have fallen to this new stature

Cause, I have sat and done

Absolutely nothing despite being all alone.

 

I sat and stared

Stared at the dark wall,

Giving away ramifications of my past.

 

I sat; sat and stared at

I don’t know what,

Giving away only darkness.

 

I looked on at the wall

Thinking and rethinking

About I don’t even know what.

 

I have fallen to a new level

Cause I didn’t even realize

When the time ticked by

And it was no more the day,

I started thinking on.

 

I have fallen to this new level

Where I don’t even understand anything,

Where I have stopped feeling some things.

 

I sit and stare and think

Trying hard, very hard,

to only cry a very bit.

 

But I fathom,

I have fallen to a very new level

Where even crying seems to have

Gone away with a new fling

Drying my soul, not letting it brim.

 

I have fallen to this new depth this time

Cause I don’t even realize where I am.

Or how to climb up,

Or swim away.

Cause this time I don’t even reckon myself.

Cause this time, I don’t feel anything.

I sit and stare and think and the time keeps ticking

Trying to realize what I am even thinking,

But all I gather is I am at a new depth,

And now it is difficult to even keep climbing.

Difficult to even keep swimming.

 

I have fallen

And I keep falling,

I have drowned,

And I keep drowning.

I find a new level of

Nothingness,

Meaninglessness.

And I question myself

Where am I?

 

*

Never been good with poems, never been a poet. This is just a vain attempt as always, and as all my previous attempts to try and write in as limited words as possible, and to express as far and as truthfully I can.

The Next Morning!

I was glaring at the TV in the dark, my vision unclear, blurred, I hardly knew what channel was switched on and I couldn’t possibly care less. I kept it on, on bearable volume only to feel myself accompanied.

 

I was slouched beside my study table, beside which the balcony door stood ajar, supported by the wall behind. There was the novel kept in front of me, that I was reading but I hardly remembered what was it about. All I could see were the tree leaves wavering outside, and all I could think of was, … wait, I could hardly think straight. No I could think of nothing, simply nothing.

 

I shifted in my seat, making myself more uncomfortable, instead of providing a little comfort. My leg was twisted and I could feel the slightest of pain then. But I did not twitch. I enjoyed the pain for a while, then when I was comfortable again, I simply did it again, bring the pain back, just for the sake of doing it, this time with my hands, and my fingers. My finger nails, digging down in my palms, and yet I could feel nothing; nope, not in a slightest. I guess all the drinks were playing their game then, making me numb. I smiled, and why? I had no idea about that.

 

My phone started buzzing, vibrating, and it was irritating me, the noise, the feeling. I fumbled to take it out of my pocket and cancelled the call. It was my friend. I knew what she would say, “You can talk to me” and I also knew that if I “talked” she would put on her earphones and all the while keep texting or playing some game and in the end she would very easily divert the topic, make it all about herself, and cut the call. I didn’t need that then!! No!!

 

It started vibrating again. My head was so full, it ached so much that I gripped my hair into my hands trying to just tear the pain apart. I just increased my pain. Furiously, I picked up the phone, mumbled something, which I really did not give a thought on and cut the call.

 

I sat there till late in the night. I don’t remember the time; I don’t even remember what exactly I was doing till then, what was I thinking about. All I remember is slowly walking or rather dragging myself towards my bed, and falling off to a deep sleep with the TV turned on.

 

And so I woke up the next morning with the same things I had gone to sleep with, a numbing pain, a throbbing head, and a dizzy mind, and yeah, not to forget the TV turned on.

Feeling of contentment

How often does it happen with you, that you wake up in the morning and feel guilty at something in your life, despite all the things you are doing?

For me it’s really often. I would wake up in the morning and just feel like questioning me “What the hell are you doing with your life?”

I mean yeah sure, I work, I study, I go about the day as usual, but what exactly am I doing?

May be the answer is in the question itself, but there for me is no sense.

So there are days, when I rack my brain with nothingness and with overburdening questions. And there are days where I just feel content. Sure, nothing changes overnight, but my feeling does.

Today I got up in the morning with an unnerving feeling of contentment. I call it ‘unnerving’ because I know, just when I start relaxing with the feeling, the sensation of guilt overpowers all my sanities.

So, before I lose this astounding emotion, I just wanted to write it down somewhere so that I do not forget, the gratified feeling of contentment.

There will be days of happiness

Days of sadness,

I need not worry because of them,

As it all shall pass.