Tag Archives: past

Forgetting To Live.

When I was young, like a very small kid, I wanted to grow old, not like my grandma or grandpa old, but old like my elder brother. So that I could have the chances which he had, so that I could do what he could do.

Then when I thought I was like my brother, how old he used to be, then I wanted to grow older than him, so that I could live how he lived, without anyone bossing over me.

When I was really old, like you know the recent adult? I wanted to become someone who was stable, with a proper job, and all that, you know.

Then, I was old, like you know who had a job, and a little money, and something, and then I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to be the one whom I saw on the street the other day, the one with a husband, and two cute little children.

When I was the one with the cute little children, I wanted to be the one that I saw from across my house, you know the old lady cribbing at her old man, for not doing something, for not understanding her, and yet how you could tell that they had grown old together.

Then when I was that old lady, I wanted yet something else. I wanted to be the free individual who lived next door, so that I could travel like him.

And then I wanted something else too…..

 

My point being, all our lives we keep wanting things. We want, and we want. We are never satisfied, ad we never will be. May be, we want something and we get it, and then we don’t want it anymore. May be we do get it and now we want something else. We keep pining for things we don’t have, never relishing what we actually have. We keep trying to push ourselves to get more, not realizing that in the process we are losing what we have.

We keep wanting to live in a way, never realizing that we are forgetting to actually live in the life that we are supposed to be living.

 

I Wanted To Heal You….!!

Yesterday, I posted this, and I felt exactly the words deep in my life, something that came out from inside my heart, but somehow I was not satisfied with the end. I hated my own poetry, my own work, my own thoughts, leaving my readers and myself without hope, and hence I came up with a little different conclusion today.

 

Do let me know which one of the endings did you like more?

 

I wanted; wanted

To take away all our pain,

To free you from your aches,

To envelope you in my embrace,

To make you forget all that can’t be erased.

 

I wanted; wanted

To kiss all your tears,

To chase away all your fears,

To taste all your wounds,

To chaperone you to the tombs.

 

I wanted; wanted

To cure you of your grief,

To surcease all your strife,

To heal your body, your soul,

To be your cure, an antidote.

 

I wanted; wanted

To give you all my happiness,

To bestow you only with blissfulness,

To free you of the enchains,

To liberate you, of all the restrains.

 

And in doing so,

I lost my exulted ecstasy,

My humorous joviality,

My peace, my calm,

My tranquility, the only charm.

 

And in doing so,

I reached someplace called inferno,

Burning, writhing, for how long I don’t know.

In healing you, I lost myself,

My body, my soul,

And there was left, no antidote.

 

 

But then someday, one day,

I rose to that Elysium,

Finessing away all your delirium,

Proliferating my poise,

Vanquishing the void,

Conquering the little forgotten calm,

Regaining all the lost charm.

And I liberated from your chains, with time,

The long lost, yet my lustrous smile.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes…

Sometimes all you need to do is

Stay back, and let it all pass.

To sit awhile, and let it all pass.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

Let the blood drain away to your toes.

To let the air be sucked out till your ears.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

To close your eyes, and not talk.

To just lie down and not walk.

 

Sometimes, all you need to do is

Let it all go,

To let it all be in the past.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

Turn the page of the book.

To end the chapter.

To close the book.

To just forget everything.

And start afresh.

To let it all be and have faith.

To try and smile and have faith.

To simply believe and let it be.

Sometimes all you need to do is

Simply do nothing.

Fact or Fable

Deep memories submerged within,

Sweet, sad, happy and a little evil.

Time elapsed, and I kept treading,

Only to have thought, that someday

I will lose every inch of it.

 

But today, despite the tiresome days and nights,

A mere thought, a small talk,

Even the tiniest prospect of the past,

Passes a solid sensation onto me,

Shaking me to the core,

Sending shivers down my spine,

Making everything of the past, again mine.

 

How does it happen?

What is that feeling?

Why does it not go?

What would it take to go?

 

I am tired of this notion,

Constantly restricting all my gesticulation.

What is that feeling?

I am yet not certain.

 

I keep asking myself

Was the feeling ever true?

Or could it have been a delusion?

Or part of it fact and a part fable?

 

I have no answers,

As usual,

But for certain,

I have all the questions.

 

Know the blogger #4

  1. When was the last time you changed your opinion or belief about something major?

I was just like the people we hate, the judgmental. I stopped it when I realised how wrong I was. It isn’t fair to judge people without knowing their story. I was told that I am such a sad and lonely person, when the other person did not even really know me, my circumstances. I realised it then and I just somehow, brought myself to stop randomly judging people.

 

 

  1. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

When someone says that I wrote beautifully only I never know that if the compliment was true, or just for the sake of saying it. (I am sorry for saying this to all my lovely bloggers, it is not the lack of trust on you, it is because the lack of confidence in me)

 

  1. As the only human left on earth, what would you do?

If I had books, I’d survive for a while, but I’d be dead otherwise too.

 

  1. Who inspires you to be better?

I wrote a post about it some months ago, there has been never an inspiration. I have always struggled to make myself better, from not the example of others, but from their flaws. I mean if I find some “quality” that I don’t like in someone else, I know that, that has to be changed inside me too.

 

  1. What do you want your epitaph to be?

“I think therefore, I am”

 

  1. What haven’t you grown out of?

Soft toys!

 

  1. In what situation or place would you feel most out of place in?

Surrounded by sports fan!

  1. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done that actually turned out pretty well?

I went to a city for my graduation for unsatisfactory reasons; like the reason was so dumb I cannot even bring myself to say it here. But it turned out pretty well.

 

  1. If someone wrote a book on an event in your life, what would the book be about?

The days of my wedding planning, and how I met so, so many new people there almost every single day. At least as of now, I guess this would be it.

 

  1. What’s something you will never do again?

Go crazy after a guy. I don’t think that’s happening.

 

  1. How do you hope you’ll change as a person in the future?

I don’t know, but I want to better by each passing day.

 

  1. What keeps you up at night?

Overthinking. What else could it be?

 

  1. What’s the most surprising self-realization you’ve had?

That I am like the person that I never wanted to be.

Again, I did a post on it. “just like her”

 

  1. What is the most illegal thing you’ve ever done?

Oh how can I do something illegal, I am the good girl!

Drive without helmets on! That’s it.

 

  1. How do you get in the way of your own success?

My fear drives in.

 

  1. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?

They just see my face, I know that, not even afraid of. No one looks at the real me.

 

  1. What is your biggest regret?

I never tried making my passion into a profession.

 

  1. What do you look down on people for?

Hypocrisy.

 

  1. What bridges do you not regret burning?

I burn them down, eventually I do.

 

  1. What lie do you tell most often?

“I am okay.”

And “yes ma, I am going off to sleep.”

 

  1. What would be your spirit animal?

Never thought of it.

 

  1. What is the best & worst thing about getting older?

Best- you experience life.

Worst- you never get to go back and be the kid again.

 

  1. What are you most likely very wrong about?

“That all men are same.”

 

  1. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it?

I seriously don’t know.

 

  1. What’s happened that changed your view on the world?

I have seen domestic violence through my eyes when I was 7. It was not at my home (thankfully) but I lost faith in humanity that day and I never outgrew that incident.

 

  1. What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

That no one, no one except your close family cares for you.

 

  1. What is the most immature thing you do?

I cling on to the teddy in my room when I read or watch tv. (I think I shouldn’t have said that.)

  1. What are you famous for among your friends & family?

Studying literature and books frantically.

 

  1. If your childhood had a smell, what would it be?

It didn’t have any smell.

 

  1. What one responsibility do you wish you didn’t have?

To look up for everyone, to stand against every wrong, to be the stronger one in my family. Even we fall apart sometimes.

*
Please bear with me, tomorrow will be the last part of flaunting about me. :-!

And that’s how …#7

Somehow I landed up with the amount of time to think about ‘The thing’ post the long interview of my brother and the extended wait, the travel and meeting the other people.  It was actually nothing and yet a lot of thing for me. It was something that was related to Miss. R and now that I was at her place it was more difficult not to think about it.  What exactly, even I don’t know. It all started with a bad incident followed by a lot of dramatic issues. It was literally nothing but grew to something really serious, an extremely bad experience, some really harsh words spoken on her side. I never repeated them, as I never had the courage to speak something so piercing. I know, words spoken stay with us, they can never be taken back.

 

Miss. R behaved as if nothing had ever happened, so I took the same road too. Why dig out old matters, right? I thought it to be rather easy but it turned out to be more complicated despite everything I put in  to forget  the past and be normal. And you know, what? I did. I succeeded.

 

From then on it became quite easy to mingle with even Miss. R. The only problem was that I know that I will never forget those hard words. Only, I can learn to live with it.

 

So all of us together. It was a once in a blue moon kind of thing. And we were pretty sure that we would have a great time.

 

And that’s how I realised that sometimes, forgetting the past or at the least leaving it in the past is the best thing to do. But I will somehow still remember the ‘past’.

I plead, Guilty!

Meeting a very old friend is a special thing, even more when you don’t get enough time to spend with friends. I for that matter get very little time to do so and when I do I tend to make the most of it. Partying isn’t my type of fun; I can have fun and enjoy myself over just a cup of coffee. Talking matters to me, not dancing where I can’t even hear the person.

One of my friends was in town and I had barely made time to meet him, cancelling and cancelling again. Thankfully, he is one of my only friends who literally understand how working life works unlike the one we had back in school days. He didn’t mind all that much but I was guilty and I knew it. Somehow I made up time and made a random plan and that was it, we finally met after a long-long time and I had to say we had a gala time.

Well, I am not guilty for meeting him. It is something else that is haunting me. We were talking nonsense basically, about tomorrow, today and yesterday when suddenly he brought up a person in the conversation that I had not intended to. My friend here has no idea about my feelings towards that person and kept rambling on. And in the midst of those rambling I deciphered that this man has broken up with his dear girlfriend. And I am ashamed to say that for a second I felt elated. I don’t know why but I just felt so, and the moment I realised about my inner feelings I came back to reality and screamed at myself for being so selfish and senseless. I plead, I am guilty here. How can I be happy when something worse happens to someone, that someone being in my good books, for whom I would never want anything depressing to happen.

Okay I had nothing to do with that man in the past, we were just acquaintances, yet I wouldn’t relate it to a silly high school fling, for it affected me in a deep way then. Whatever it was it was in the past, and today in no way does it bother me or even concern me, but then why, even for a split second, did I feel happy at someone else’s misfortune?

PS: I just had to let everything out, I am sorry if it hasn’t been a worthy read. I just wrote it and posted it without any corrections. Please bear with me.