Tag Archives: past

Krishna talked sense into me..

This post is going to be a little different from what I usually write here, but by the end of it you might think I am back to my usual. So if you get there, thank you for bearing with me.

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“Mayi sarvani karmani samnyasyādhyātmacetasā;

Nirāśirnirmamo bhūtvā yudhyasava vigatajvarah.”

 

Renouncing all actions into Me, with the mind centered on the Self, free from hope and egoism (Ownership), free from (mental) fever, (you) do fight.

 

This is taken from the Holy Geeta, chapter 3 Karma Yoga, verse 30.

 

This brilliant passage is spoken by lord Krishna to his worshipper/friend/student Arjuna.

 

A closer study of the import of these two lines will make us understand clearly that, in this stanza, Krishna is hinting at the greater psychological truth of life. Krishna advises Arjuna to act renouncing both Hope and Ego; and this is indeed a primary instruction on how to pour the best that is in us into the ‘present’, blockading all unintelligent and thoughtless dissipation of our inner personality-energies, in the ‘Past’and the ‘Future’.

 

He further says to renounce all action unto the Lord and, getting rid of both Hope and Selfishness, must fight, free from all mental fever. How complete this technique is will be evident now to all students of Geeta.

 

The term ‘fight’is to be understood here ‘as our individual fight with circumstances, in the silent battle of life’. Thus, the advice is not for Arjuna alone, but to them all men who would like to live fully and intelligently.

 

And this makes more sense to me when right in the next stanza He says, without caviling, and with only faith in heart, one must live. For one can neither understand fully, nor come to gain the blessings of the way of life, by deep study and noisy discussions. It can be understood and experienced only by living it.

 

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Time again, I have been told that thinking, will not help much, that trying to understand all the concepts of life is only a vain effort. But despite my agreement with them, I fail to accustom myself to these thoughts. The result of which is a PhD in overthinking and a certain sense of guilt and restlessness, and a tinge of permanent anxiety of un-knowingness. I have been told again and again, that to not think much of past and present, and only to live. But it took me more than a decade, and a number of people telling me so, a 100 different experiences and a second reading of this Holy scripture, to finally let myself understand that I can never understand everything (Just the way I can never travel almost every part of the world, or just the way that I can never ever read all the books in the world!!). It was this time, that when I read it, my brains finally, tried accepting this simple fact, it was this time that I felt, that Krishna was speaking to me, (Hypothetically, don’t worry I haven’t turned all too religious overnight and started hallucinating about Gods in front of me) finally making my dumb ass realize that I am not right, that I need to stop doing certain things to myself which are only hurting me more.

 

Now, that I have come to accept it, I am going to start trying to succumb to it; that is my attempts will be to not think much, about the past and-or the future. I will try and leave my ego and all kinds of hope behind, in an attempt of living a life without selfishness, and one full of faith. This does not mean I renounce my Karma, no, it only signifies how I will go about it; that is without my Ego and Hope but full of faith.

 

 

This is how I perceive these stanzas, and I am pretty sure, I still don’t get the inner meaning of them, or the depth of what He was trying to say. All the same I will keep up with my efforts of not understanding anymore, but only living my life, doing my Karma, because I sure ain’t getting younger!!

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I have used the commentary and the English translation of the verse from the Geeta, written by Swami Chinmayananda.

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A tickin’ and a tockin’

Most of the times I feel about New Years like this:

1?

But then instantly, I have a regret, a guilt for being so pessimistic and my thought turns to something like this:

2!

I mean I have done it wrong, year after year, only trying, or rather barely trying to make things better, to improve myself. And year after year, I am barely floating above the level, but I am still there, trying. So why not this year too? (Not that I have a choice not to try)

So, I think and think more, which is what I am really a master at and decide that let what’s gone, go and welcome what wants to come. Instead of merging past, present and future, and struggling to barely keep up, I decide to just breathe. Peace is all I want, now. Lat year, had been too much of a roller coaster for me, nothing I could not handle, but given the chance I would have liked to dodge that bullet! But now all’s in the past, and I have never really looked up to New Years as I am looking up for this one. Nothing awaits me, not that I know of, but I am hoping against hope, that it would be a slightly better year than the last one.

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So, I am really not fretting over my past, not worrying about my future, all I want to do right now is, live in the moment, hoping against all hopes that things will turn out as they should be. (Because clearly however much I kick around in the air some things are really not under my control).

So, wishing all the lovely people around here, a very peaceful and a bright new year.

PS: As I write this down, Mr. Coffee hater is persistently cooing at me, wanting all the attention that I was clearly devoting to my computer. And just as I take the shot below, he winks at me, flutters his wing, and soars away! The attention seeker that he is!! Ufff…

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In case you don’t know who this person is who hates coffee; you can visit the link below: Mr. Coffee Hater- My New Friend!

That Flower!

 

Remember Monica and how clean freak she was?

 

Yep, I am compared to her often. And I have to admit that I am pretty much the same. I will crib when I will see that I have to sleep on the wrong side of the bed, or when the coffee cup is kept on the table without a coaster, and things like that. Things, which no one bothers about.

 

But she also has that door. Remember, which no one knew for so long and when eventually it was opened; it had all kinds of garbage stuffed inside. Yep, I have that too. Well, it’s not a door, I have a big box full of old things, which my folks call unused, unwanted garbage. But I call it memories. Yes, I have stuff in there, which I will never use in my life, and yet I refuse to depart with them. Things from my nursery days, to yesterday! From crayons, to mementos from every place I have been to, memories with all kinds of people I love and care about!

 

So, come Diwali, my people will pester me to clear at least something away, and every year I pretend to clean something out, only I never throw anything out. I make space, I cram things, but I have not yet discarded anything, and nor do I have any such intentions for near future. So today, I sit and pretend just like every year, to clear things out, to clean my room. (The irony is, it’s already cleaned, but since it’s Diwali, I still have to do it!) So, I am utilizing my Sunday this way, and I run across some really old stuff!! This stuff I haven’t met in a few years now!

 

I open that box full of memories,

I take out everything, crayons, to paints, to some Barbie accessories, to slam books, to school photographs, to college memories..

There is a list, I will not bother you with.

A book comes out,

It’s a novel.

I don’t remember reading it.

The blurb brushes my memory.

Yeah, I have read it.

But it wasn’t my favorite.

It was a book read and forgotten!

Then why did I find it here?

I drank that old book smell!!

And as if it was magic, I knew why it was there!!

 

I smiled!

Blushing would have gone too far.

But I smiled, all the same.

And closed the book shut.

Not sure whether to go ahead and look at it.

I hold that book for a while, turning and twisting.

Trying to figure out my next move.

 

Oh what the hell, there’s no bomb inside.

 

I go ahead and open it.

I couldn’t find it.

My heart literally, literally skips a beat.

WHAT THE HELL!!

Where is it?

What did I do with it?

 

Didn’t you say you were going to throw it, anyway?

 

Yeah, but I said so, I didn’t do it.

Definitely not!!

 

So where is it?

 

I scan the pages frantically, and just when I am about to burst (I don’t know with what) I find it.

 

And there is a big smile on my face.

I don’t deserve that smile.

That smile isn’t anymore mine.

I don’t even want that smile back.

But I smile anyways.

And I close my eyes and get drunk

Drunk in that stale smell of books, and words,

Of love and feelings,

Of that naivety and all the firsts.

 

I brush away the tears,

Pretending to be sneezing amidst the dusts.

I sober up from my past,

And I smile anyway.

 

This is what I find there:

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I know you can’t even make out what this is!

But it’s special all the same.

 

Years have passed by,

People have come and gone,

Feelings have changed,

Oh, the people have changed,

I have changed,

But this still remains special.

 

I smell that old smell one last time,

Tuck it inside the book again,

And close it as delicately s possible.

I don’t want it to rust,

Not now, anyway.

And read a couplet, that I attached in the midst of the pages,

That last time, I had an encounter with this.

 

Vaqt beet te der nahi lagti,

Umra guzar gayi, kai saal beet gaye,

Par tujse mulaqaat kabhi fir hui nahi.

 

Aaj fir mila hai wo tera diya nazrana,

Jise ab tak sambhal k rakha hai,

Kuch murja sa gaya hai,

Par ab tak apna sa lagta hai.

 

Jazbaat, ehsaas, shayad badal gaye honge

Tere, aur shayad mere bhi.

Teri ibaadat ki umeed nahi, Sirf ek unkahi arzoo hai,

Isilye is murjaye gulaab ko bhi ab tak sambhal k rakha hai!

 

I smile,

I reread.

I close the book.

I pack the box.

And put it away.

I know not till when!

 

 

PS: I will hit publish before I change my mind about publishing the Hindi lines. I know it’s not great, it’s novice, and very childlike. But I presume that we all do these kind of stuff once in a while 😀

Certainty Of Life!

I most certainly know the way

And yet, I am certain that I am lost.

 

I undoubtedly know what’s in for tomorrow,

And yet, I am definite that I have no knowledge of tomorrow.

 

I am pretty assured what my past was

And yet, I have no notion where I came from.

 

All I know, all I can say for certain is

I am here, now in the present, happy, smiling.

 

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PS: Just was in the mood for that Sheldon’s mocking Laughter 😀

Forgetting To Live.

When I was young, like a very small kid, I wanted to grow old, not like my grandma or grandpa old, but old like my elder brother. So that I could have the chances which he had, so that I could do what he could do.

Then when I thought I was like my brother, how old he used to be, then I wanted to grow older than him, so that I could live how he lived, without anyone bossing over me.

When I was really old, like you know the recent adult? I wanted to become someone who was stable, with a proper job, and all that, you know.

Then, I was old, like you know who had a job, and a little money, and something, and then I wanted to have a family of my own. I wanted to be the one whom I saw on the street the other day, the one with a husband, and two cute little children.

When I was the one with the cute little children, I wanted to be the one that I saw from across my house, you know the old lady cribbing at her old man, for not doing something, for not understanding her, and yet how you could tell that they had grown old together.

Then when I was that old lady, I wanted yet something else. I wanted to be the free individual who lived next door, so that I could travel like him.

And then I wanted something else too…..

 

My point being, all our lives we keep wanting things. We want, and we want. We are never satisfied, ad we never will be. May be, we want something and we get it, and then we don’t want it anymore. May be we do get it and now we want something else. We keep pining for things we don’t have, never relishing what we actually have. We keep trying to push ourselves to get more, not realizing that in the process we are losing what we have.

We keep wanting to live in a way, never realizing that we are forgetting to actually live in the life that we are supposed to be living.

 

I Wanted To Heal You….!!

Yesterday, I posted this, and I felt exactly the words deep in my life, something that came out from inside my heart, but somehow I was not satisfied with the end. I hated my own poetry, my own work, my own thoughts, leaving my readers and myself without hope, and hence I came up with a little different conclusion today.

 

Do let me know which one of the endings did you like more?

 

I wanted; wanted

To take away all our pain,

To free you from your aches,

To envelope you in my embrace,

To make you forget all that can’t be erased.

 

I wanted; wanted

To kiss all your tears,

To chase away all your fears,

To taste all your wounds,

To chaperone you to the tombs.

 

I wanted; wanted

To cure you of your grief,

To surcease all your strife,

To heal your body, your soul,

To be your cure, an antidote.

 

I wanted; wanted

To give you all my happiness,

To bestow you only with blissfulness,

To free you of the enchains,

To liberate you, of all the restrains.

 

And in doing so,

I lost my exulted ecstasy,

My humorous joviality,

My peace, my calm,

My tranquility, the only charm.

 

And in doing so,

I reached someplace called inferno,

Burning, writhing, for how long I don’t know.

In healing you, I lost myself,

My body, my soul,

And there was left, no antidote.

 

 

But then someday, one day,

I rose to that Elysium,

Finessing away all your delirium,

Proliferating my poise,

Vanquishing the void,

Conquering the little forgotten calm,

Regaining all the lost charm.

And I liberated from your chains, with time,

The long lost, yet my lustrous smile.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes…

Sometimes all you need to do is

Stay back, and let it all pass.

To sit awhile, and let it all pass.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

Let the blood drain away to your toes.

To let the air be sucked out till your ears.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

To close your eyes, and not talk.

To just lie down and not walk.

 

Sometimes, all you need to do is

Let it all go,

To let it all be in the past.

 

Sometimes all you need to do is

Turn the page of the book.

To end the chapter.

To close the book.

To just forget everything.

And start afresh.

To let it all be and have faith.

To try and smile and have faith.

To simply believe and let it be.

Sometimes all you need to do is

Simply do nothing.