Tag Archives: reality

Peace or Pieces?

Gather your pieces and

Walk towards the peace

That you have been pining for.

 

It is always easy to say that your life is in pieces, always very convenient to blame it on your destiny, or on someone else.

But the reality is that when in distress we simply don’t wish to see the reality hidden beneath the dust of illusion. If only we’d be brave enough to face our very own delusions, our own misgivings, and our faults we would see the truth. We would know where exactly something is wrong. We need to have the courage to tell ourselves that it is enough, and we need to gather ourselves, face the reality, tell ourselves that there is no going back, and resolve to walk with courage anew.

 

It is time we tell ourselves,

“Gather your pieces and

Walk towards the peace

That you have been pining for,

For the peace ain’t coming running to you.”

 

Just Like Me!

My niece just spent a good long week at my place and it was nothing but wonderful. (The same niece who presented me a little souvenir when I was at her place) Yes, there were times when I was losing it completely trying to keep a nine year old occupied and entertained all day long but I never took it out on her. Well, I tried my best, as best as I could despite not being a fan of the kids. (In my defence, I don’t hate them either.)

But this kid, is really special to me, has always been. I have never met a kid like her. You will see what I mean.

When she was here, I could not help but notice that what my brother and his wife used to tell me was nothing short of true, “She is just like you.” Earlier, when they used to tell me this, I tried ignoring the fact assuming it as their fondness for me. (Yeah, I know I give myself too much of importance 😉 )
But the more I stayed with her, I realised that they weren’t kidding. She is precisely, unerringly like me.

And you know what my first thought used to be? “Oh, my!!! Another mess like me? What is to happen of her?”

She brought the exact replica of my childhood in front of me. It was as if I was looking at a flashback in mirror, only she was a little more cuter and sweeter and the adjectives can go on.

She loves all the same things which I used to love; she reacts the very same way that I used to do. She is fond of colours, loves to sing despite the fact that we are no singers, her tantrums, her habits, her behaviour, the list goes on.

I use ‘Used to” for myself above, because reality hit me hard a few years back and it changed me. Well, it wasn’t a shock to me, because I had been dealing with it for years, only I did not want to accept it. But then I question again and again what will happen of this lovely kid?

I don’t want her to turn like me. I know reality cannot be overlooked or evaded and one day even she will have to grow out of the fantasy land. But, only I don’t want her to be troubled and moved like me.

I use ‘like me’ a lot today which reminds me what I am like. “I am just like her” which again I don’t want to be. So if I am like her and my niece is like me, it is like the genes are flowing down and we will keep creating messes like us. (We should just stop marrying, you know 😉 )

Coming back to my niece, I knew she would grow beyond her age, considering our long known family drama, and the fact that no one cares in our family to keep the kids away from the things which they needn’t know. But I did not see that coming so soon. This was precisely the reason why she was at our place; to avoid the family scenes.

But I don’t think that made any difference.

I know for a fact that when her mother is not around she takes care of her younger brother. She does small things like bringing him food, asking him if he wants milk, looking after his homework- as if she were a teacher. She doesn’t do all of this to enact a mother or a teacher, which most other children would do at her age, she does all of it because she cares, because she knows that she needs to do it. I know it, I know this because I have seen her performing the caring one, I know this because I have done it myself.

So when she came to my place I was happy and relieved that at least she would avoid a little of the drama and could have a week of saneness and being a carefree child.

But something happened after she left, which is still boggling my mind.

This is what happened and this is the reason why I say that I have never met a kid like her.

Her parents did not have the time to come pick her up, neither were we free to go and drop her at her place which would require at least a day’s break. So her father asked her to send her with an uncle that we know and was travelling the same way. I don’t exactly know what is the right age for a kid to be left alone at home; or to let her travel alone for a journey of four hours? But it just doesn’t feel right for a nine year old to be left alone. Though I do remember very well being left alone at home, and so is she left alone most of the times.

So we all thought that she left with the so called uncle and reached safe home, when she called me from home in the night.

I kept checking on her while she was travelling and so did her father.

(Since she has a phone which her dad gave her only since she was alone here. We weren’t supportive of it at all, but since she had it only for the time being, we thought it was okay.)

But today, we got to know the real story, the story that she wasn’t giving away yesterday, the story which was kept from everyone but her father.

In the midst of the four hour journey the said ‘Uncle’ needed to buy a pack of cookies on a railway station for which he got down alone….

And yes, if you were guessing, you might have guessed it right; because he did miss the train leaving that poor little child alone.

After the train moved the panic must have begun in her, but before anything happened her dad called her and warned her off any kind of people. (I cannot begin to think what her state of mind would have been then)

She was left alone for two hours in a journey; she kept playing games, and talking to her father, her mother and me. But she didn’t give away anything. I called her like four times but all she said was I am playing and I will call you as soon as I reach.

Her father reached the station even before the train would arrive and picked her up. Only then must have he breathed a sigh of relief, I am pretty sure about that. But apart from those two people no one new anything.

When they reached home her mother was briefed about what happened, and she scolded her for not telling her anything. My niece’s reply broke my heart-

“Mom, I know you have high diabetes and blood pressure and if I would have told you this then you would have got tensed and then you might have fallen sick, I know you already have a lot of problems going on so I didn’t tell you!”

And when I got to know this, I asked her too, why didn’t you tell me?

And she retorted, “I know you’d have done the same thing. And I am just like you!”

And this broke me completely.

Here, I was trying to keep her away from everything, but I just didn’t realise that she was already captivated in all of it. She was already beyond her years.

I know most people would say that these kinds of experiences make you strong, bold and practical; they give you the strength to deal with life. They sure do, but most importantly you lose a lot too in all of this. It sure makes us strong and resilient, but it also, makes you too practical and feeling-less. By the time you grow up you are hollow inside, and all that is left is a concrete body. You are referred to as pessimistic, gloomy and heartless.

But the fact is we aren’t heartless, we do have a heart, just ours is shielded with facts and truths. It is not that we don’t love ourselves, we do, with all our might we do. But when it comes to our loved ones, we go even a step further than we could, or we should and love them with borrowed might.

And this is what I didn’t want her to go through. I didn’t want her to grow beyond her years, but she already has and I can do nothing about it.

I am just like ‘her’, and she is just like me…

 

PS: I attach the two links here that I refer to from my previous posts.

https://aestheticmiradh.com/2017/06/12/just-like-her/

https://aestheticmiradh.com/2017/11/01/a-souvenir/

Fact or Fable

Deep memories submerged within,

Sweet, sad, happy and a little evil.

Time elapsed, and I kept treading,

Only to have thought, that someday

I will lose every inch of it.

 

But today, despite the tiresome days and nights,

A mere thought, a small talk,

Even the tiniest prospect of the past,

Passes a solid sensation onto me,

Shaking me to the core,

Sending shivers down my spine,

Making everything of the past, again mine.

 

How does it happen?

What is that feeling?

Why does it not go?

What would it take to go?

 

I am tired of this notion,

Constantly restricting all my gesticulation.

What is that feeling?

I am yet not certain.

 

I keep asking myself

Was the feeling ever true?

Or could it have been a delusion?

Or part of it fact and a part fable?

 

I have no answers,

As usual,

But for certain,

I have all the questions.

 

My Sister’s Keeper

Warning: I might end up discussing the story of the book too.

I was reading, so that I could kill my time, I was reading so that I could have a Sunday on a Monday, I was reading so that I could find out what actually happens to Anna, what about Kate? Will she live? Will she die? How is the family going to take it? How will Sara react when she finds out that her own daughter files a case against her and her husband, Brian? What is wrong with Jesse, their oldest son? What kind of chemistry do Campbell and Julia share, and what exactly is Judge, the dog for?

My sister’s keeper by Jodi Picoult has all the answers to it, and I was on the verge of finding them. Hardly did I know that by then I will be left shattered, once again. I really have lost count how many times a simple book has done that to me by now.

Devouring the last few pages of the book, digging my nails into the covers of the book, I realised that I was almost crying, at least on the verge of. I was battling hard to even breathe by now.

I mean, what, how, when, why???

It is then, that I realised that we have absolutely no control of our lives, we may think, we have, but no, we do not have even a grasp over it. I felt like a mere puppet playing the so called game, life.

We think we can control our lives, but all we have is a most shallow form of control, a simple interpretation of life, when in reality it is far more intense with lot many twists and turns which we can never in our rarest dreams anticipate.

Kate was the one suffering with some sort of cancer, Anna was the once conceived to donate her organs to her sister, then how come this end to a story?

The book is simply about Anna fighting for herself, but in the end what happens is really what I did not expect.

I kept the book aside, pages fluttering with the air, the ceiling fan really creaking down on me, and there I slept with the small lamp switched on, for the lightest hope to cling on to.

 

Know the blogger #3

 

  1. What amazing thing have you done that no one was around to see?

A dance performance  at a state level competition. No one cared to come watch that performance. Even my mother who used to watch all my performances, she did not come with me. I realised that day, that taking it up professionally was out of the question at my home.

 

  1. How different was your life 1 year ago?

I was in Mumbai. And I loved it there. A busy life, with so much work, that I hardly bothered to think much.

 

  1. What quirks do you have?

I don’t think I have any.

 

  1. What would you rate 10/10?

Life!

 

  1. What fad or trend do you think should come back?

Honesty, ever wonder if being honest was in trend?

 

  1. What is the most interesting piece of art you’ve seen?

A lot many actually at houstonphotojourney.com by Elizabeth and Max, but most favourite recently was “The Colourful Wave” by Carol Simon.

 

  1. What kind of art do you enjoy most?

I am sorry, I can’t be specific here. But may be abstract.

 

  1. What do you hope never changes?

I know I’d be wanting something that’s never going to happen, so why hope for something like that. Change is inevitable..

 

  1. What city would you most like to live in?

Mumbai.

 

  1. What movie title best describes your life?

Tamasha.

 

  1. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now?

I just bumped into this work, had never even planned it.

 

  1. What’s the best way a person can spend their time?

Travelling and reading.

 

  1. If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make?

A tree house?

 

  1. Where is the most relaxing place you’ve ever been?

Lonavla. Just to think of sitting near waterfall, near the cool atmosphere, the green hills.. Oh I thought I was already there!

 

  1. What’s the luckiest thing that has ever happened to you?

It’s when my brother was born, that’s the only day that I can’t forget.

 

  1. Where would you rather be from?

I did not quite understand this question. Away from a place or where would I want to belong? Any which ways, I am happy where I am.

 

  1. What are some things you’ve had to unlearn?

I have had to unlearn the basic norms taught to a girl in India. You ought to do this, and not that, dress like this and not that, you can do this, and not that….

Okay, even my life hasn’t been totally perfect, and I am not saying that I haven’t made adjustments as a girl, but I am trying and will keep trying to alter it as far as I can. But I have changed myself and unlearnt the basics girly norms taught to me as I was growing up. And believe me you don’t know how big a task this is! You think you know, but you don’t.

 

  1. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months?

Going out somewhere, like some place that I haven’t been to.

 

  1. What website do you visit most often?

Shopping websites. I live in a very small place where I hardly get good stuff, so I rest on these websites for any kind of shopping.

 

  1. What one thing do you really want but can’t afford?

A luxurious home. (You know the description:-p)

 

  1. Where do you usually go when you have free time?

A café, I carry a book, order a cup of coffee and just get lost in the fictional world. (Until of course someone bumps into me, which is really very often considering my city to be so small.)

 

  1. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

Any hill station or somewhere near the ocean. I guess you get the picture.

 

  1. What’s special about the place you grew up?

It has the amount of greenery you’d never have seen at a particular place. There is not a single road here which is not surrounded by trees. I can bet on that.

 

  1. What age do you want to live to?

I’d like my life to be short. My grandma is alive at 90+ and she is in so much pain, I’d definitely want to avoid anything near to that.

 

  1. What are you most likely to become famous for?

I don’t want to be famous, I’d just be happy if people would say that I did something with my life.

 

  1. What are you absolutely determined to do?

To change at least one person’s belief and their way of looking down on women. Even if I succeed in changing one conservative person’s mind towards women, I’d think I at least did something, even that little change will make me happy. Even if only one woman can be helped by such change, I’d be happy.

 

  1. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do?

Okay, so by now I think I am just praising myself here.

People have often said that when I dance I can play with my facial expressions, I can dance with my face, with my eyes, that’s what people say, and that I guess if it’s true then is the most impressive thing about me.

 

  1. What do you wish you knew more about?

About the mysteries involved in the past, there ought to be a lot more than we know.

 

  1. What question would you most like to know the answer to?

What is my future like?

 

  1. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person?

If I knew the answer to this, I am pretty sure I’d be a better judge of people.

Continue reading Know the blogger #3

And that’s how #4

Since the lousy day was well spent, we planned to go window shopping in the evening. But before that we had the whole day to ourselves.  And we couldn’t just let it pass, right?

So the morning started with a strong cup of coffee, some fresh ftuits and a simple sandwhich. Then we both Mr. R and I gave ourselves two hours each to complete all the important work that we could have, including replying to emails, catching up on work and anything that we could think was important which couldn’t wait till we reached home. Reaching home by the way is still not planned or to say I have no idea when I start my return journey.
As soon as we switched off the work mode, we booted our holiday mode on. Getting ready isn’t any one of us’ thing, so we changed and left in just the little amount of time needed, heading towards where you ask? We had no idea, then.
We walked randomly for about half an hour which brought us to a very classy and oriental restaurant. We knew nothing around, so why not try this out, right?
As it turned out, it was an amazing place. The food was mouth watering, “Full desi khana”. Okay so after a delicious treat we started our roam yet again. And with thay started our shopping spree.
Mr. R is the only person who bears a woman shopping. He is the most patient man I have ever known. We did less of shopping and more of sauntering around. And I cannot explain in any kind of words how much I had fun with this idiot man. And I habe to say I love him for all his stupidity, and kiddishness.
We went about the place till late evening and then finally had the best dessert in the world with the ice, colours, ice cream, nuts, chocolate and what not in it. We could have dined on it.
We were so full that we skipped the dinner and went staright to home. So you think the day ended? Oh no, of course not!
Just when we thought that we’d go off to sleep, we remembered our last night late drive. But today we ditched the drive and walked randomly in the cool fresh air. We went for a long walk in the dead of the night.
Arm in arm we roamed about for a while, sometimes even forgetting our way but finding it ultimately. And that’s how we found our way back to reality.
It was yet another fulfilling day.

A Mesmerizing Night!

It was 2 in the morning and we had just returned to our cottage after performing for a show. Everyone was drenched with tiredness and cravings for the bed were too tempting to resist and yet I was there deprived of sleep, restless and wanting to go out into the open air. I was choked with people and all I wanted was to breathe in isolation. (Too many people in a single room is not my cup of tea)

So there I was silently treading into the hallway. My shushed steps and the fortunately hinged door did not awake anyone but there he was sitting on the stairway listening to music, as if he was there waiting only for me.

Instantly, he put off his earphones and gave me the most beautiful smile that I had seen in a really long time. There were no words and as if it was already assumed, I sat there across him tugging at my scarf.

It was dark. The whole cottage was dark and the only possible light was the moonlight. Honestly, I am not exaggerating any bit of it. The light was barely enough to know who the person is and yet it was more than enough for me. And no, it was not a full moon night 😉

We started talking and we talked and only talked the entire night. We laughed, we made fun of people, we shared our stories and suddenly I could see his face more clearly smiling at me. Well, it wasn’t radiance that came abruptly; it was the sun!

We talked till sunrise and even after that. None of us moved, none of us wanted to leave, at least I think of it that ways and we chattered even more till we expected people to wake up and notice us.

Somehow all the grogginess of the previous day did not matter, what our friends were doing did not matter; all it mattered was the present where I was smiling and making the most of it. I was happy.

I do not know what it was. It wasn’t any bit romantic but after a long time there was someone who made me realise I am not that bad a person, even I could be easy going, even I could be a person with whom someone could share his feelings, that I could be a friend too.

I am glad to have him as a friend and scared too for losing him since I have always lost people that I have cared for. And so with a heavy heart I stood up from there not wanting to leave. But I knew that I had to walk away. The sun had risen. The night was over and it was time to return to the reality.

PS: If only I could tell this to him, all I want is to thank him for being there that night and for being there as my friend when most of the people I know think of me as a selfish and self-centred person. I am super bad at expressing myself to others so I am doing it here.

Dear friend, Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I love you for this, also I hope this is not some random friendship for you as it really means something to me.