There are days when I write a four-line poem and am satisfied with my days product.
And then there are days when I go out for a walk, eat the best and the healthiest, pray, get an exceptional work out before sleep (if you know what I mean), rest, work, study for my papers, read a 100 pages of the book I am reading, write an angry poetry, watch a movie (everything not necessarily in the same order) and yet I am just not satisfied! It all still feels worthless and I don’t know what to do with myself.
It is somewhere in the middle that I want to be, trying to find a balance. I don’ want to overdo, and neither do I want to be worthless. But then again, who is to say, I might be just as worthless.
I am literally tired right now, not only mentally but also physically. My mind and my body fail to work anymore. I do not even wish to move a little bit more, even a very little to get what I want. I am at a point where I will just let it go, if anything has to go. I am simply tired.
Some might say that may be if I do not lose hope right now, if I do not let things go, maybe there is a possibility that I might get it right around the corner. Well, may be yes and may be no. I don’t even want to know the answer.
I am not losing hope, hope is what keeps us alive, I just do not want to wait and be restless any longer.
I am happy right here, with what I have and how I am.
What’s wrong with being content?
As of now, with my being exhausted and weary, I am spoiling myself, pampering with all the tasty food and loads of sleep, with cups and cups of coffee and books, with zero thoughts and a big reasonless smile. (The last time I did that I gained 10kgs, let’s see what happens this time 😉 )
And that is how I am awfully drained and yet content.
She was an old lady and considered her life to be content with life with children, grandchildren, and even great grandchildren. She had lived happily until her last few days which had been too torturing and too painful for her old soul. Doctors had reported only 24% of her heart to be working and one of her kidney’s had been dysfunctional too. Constantly being shifted from CCU to ICU and back and forth, we had lost all our hopes; but she hadn’t.
There was this big religious event in our city which was long awaited for. Basically the ‘Dhwaja’ i.e. the flag which is hoisted in the temple of ‘Shrinath ji’ was to be brought to our city. This auspicious moment is too rare and is considered very pious. Well, I don’t know much about it so coming straight to the point, this dear old lady wanted to witness this propitious moment.
“The second I see the ‘dhwaja’ take me, my lord. Just let me see it once.” This was kind of her last wish. Every single person in her family wanted it to happen, everyone wanted her to stay, at least to be the spectator of this great event.
Ironically enough the moment the flag reached our city she breathed her last. Her dear wish was in the same city and she could not see it.
Her last wish remained unsatisfied or will she find peace in His abode. Her faith was so strong that even we thought that she’d live to see the Holy figure. Unfortunately, not. I for a matter think that it was good that she was relieved of this terrible pain that her body was for almost 10 days and more.
I am no one to comment here on anything. It’s just that I have heard too much about this dear lady and ‘her last wish’ in the past few days and couldn’t help but pour out my mind here. And as for this flag thing- for me it was just materialistic, the true God, the true faith resides in you, in your heart. Do your Karma and leave everything else on the destiny. Everything can never be in our control so why even try it. I hope she finds content above the glimpse of the materialistic ‘dhwaja.’