Tag Archives: struggling

Fallen To This New Level!

 

I have fallen to this new stature

Cause, I have sat and done

Absolutely nothing despite being all alone.

 

I sat and stared

Stared at the dark wall,

Giving away ramifications of my past.

 

I sat; sat and stared at

I don’t know what,

Giving away only darkness.

 

I looked on at the wall

Thinking and rethinking

About I don’t even know what.

 

I have fallen to a new level

Cause I didn’t even realize

When the time ticked by

And it was no more the day,

I started thinking on.

 

I have fallen to this new level

Where I don’t even understand anything,

Where I have stopped feeling some things.

 

I sit and stare and think

Trying hard, very hard,

to only cry a very bit.

 

But I fathom,

I have fallen to a very new level

Where even crying seems to have

Gone away with a new fling

Drying my soul, not letting it brim.

 

I have fallen to this new depth this time

Cause I don’t even realize where I am.

Or how to climb up,

Or swim away.

Cause this time I don’t even reckon myself.

Cause this time, I don’t feel anything.

I sit and stare and think and the time keeps ticking

Trying to realize what I am even thinking,

But all I gather is I am at a new depth,

And now it is difficult to even keep climbing.

Difficult to even keep swimming.

 

I have fallen

And I keep falling,

I have drowned,

And I keep drowning.

I find a new level of

Nothingness,

Meaninglessness.

And I question myself

Where am I?

 

*

Never been good with poems, never been a poet. This is just a vain attempt as always, and as all my previous attempts to try and write in as limited words as possible, and to express as far and as truthfully I can.

The Quest for balance.

“Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.”

-Theodore Roosevelt once said.

Who wouldn’t agree to that? Who wouldn’t want that balance? I for one could kill for that equilibrium and poise in my life. And yet I do not know how to attain such beautiful stability. If only I could get that my life would be suave and perfectly even. But then whose life is?

Every time I get a promotion at my job I celebrate as if suddenly I was the CEO of the company.

Every time something would be all on the upper scale in my life I would be carried away.

Any man that I date and seem to be perfect I tell myself “He is the one.” But then he is not.

Every time life seems to be going smooth, once for a change, I would think to myself, “It seems finally I am being rewarded and I can stop looking back to those times and move on without being scared.” But then boom how can that be? It is me, how can things be smooth?

I celebrate success as if there would never be another victory. I repent something as if there could be nothing more warped than my situation. And I have got only one lesson through all of this. I can be as happy as I want but a certain part of frightfulness has to be present in my heart, deep down it has to be there. I can be as atrocious and dreadful as I could be but then deep down my heart must know, “Even this will pass.” A tiny star should be blinking there all throughout even in the moments of utter darkness.

I am yet struggling with this. I know that it is not as easy for everyone to be so balanced, but now that I am trying to be it feels good. I have not reached there and I know I might never will but then trying seems to be doing it for me now.

It is difficult to be ‘there’ and ‘here’ together, but it is different, stunningly apart.

The trick to me is, “How can I reach somewhere so high a place and yet try being here? Well, I am here, but trying to reach there too.

*

PS: I do not know if any of this makes any sense to you. Sometimes it doesn’t even make justification to me.

picture: Google