Tag Archives: thoughts

An Unexpected One Liner.

“Aandhere me jo bhi dikhe, us se darr hi lagta hai.”

My friend said this to me yesterday. The literal translation of which is, “Anything that you see in the dark, is most certainly going to scare you.”

And somehow I find that that this friend is always right and meeting him for this occasional coffee proves more than just a cup of coffee. This is not the first time he has struck a one liner and stumped me. He does this time and again, sometimes only trying to be funny, and the other times, trying to compose my edgy nerves. And almost every time he succeeds in his intentions.

After he said this to me, I kept mulling over it, and I could only decipher its truth even more, after every passing second.

Isn’t he right? I mean sometimes does not the smallest of things bother you only because there is something else crucial going around? Doesn’t sometimes some incidents leave a mark on you more than they should, only because they came after a chain of unwanted events, shaking you? Do you not sometimes, feel scared only because something else is scaring you? Do you not feel scared in the darkness only because there is something uncertain? Do you not feel scared because there is nothing to see in that darkness? Do you not be scared only because you might be scared of the darkness? Are you not scared of being scared itself?

PS: I don’t know how much I make sense today to any one of you..

 

Love Or Lust?

I was standing in front of the dresser, the mirror reflecting my red dress to perfection, my hair, as always remain untamed and in order only as much as I could bid them to be in. The only accessory defining my body was a pair of diamond studs, glinting in the lights above me. I was looking breathtaking, in my own simple way, or so I thought. (Always the self obsessed me) I was screwing one of the studs into my ears when I heard a knock on the door, and my heart skipped a beat.

 

Thoughts rushed into my mind, all at once, uninvited, unwanted, messing up with me. Should I have worn that little black dress after all? Was this too plain? Should I have worn those high stilettos instead of these sneakers? Was that bracelet more appropriate than this regular unadorned watch? Would just a bit of lipstick have done any harm? Should I have listened to my friend after all? Oh god, so many should’s and would’s, but it was all too late. “Stop frowning and open the door instead.” I tell myself. But my legs froze. It wouldn’t budge. And I kept puzzling myself.

 

“Move” but as always in times of urgency, my stubborn self wouldn’t even listen to myself.

 

The knock persisted, and then the door opened slightly, a small gap, a voice from somewhere, but I was all lost.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

And there he was, his charming self, smiling at me.

 

I was at a loss of words.

 

Say something, I screamed at myself. But all my dumb ass would do was to stand there and fidget nervously, uncomfortably.

 

I hadn’t even realized that I was looking right into his eyes, and as the realization dawns on me, I look down. I look everywhere but at him. I am at a loss of words, and I have no idea, what am I suppose to do now. I wonder if his presence is always going to make me go so weak. But it was not so before. Before, I could talk to him without any of these hesitations. How did this happen? How did I suddenly start drooling for this man? How did I suddenly loose my senses by just looking at this man? I wonder if this is always going to be like this? I wonder what he is thinking right now. I keep wondering…

 

And the next thing I know is, he is standing right in front of me, my hands in his, fingers entwined, his eyes glaring down on me, urging me to look at him. I succumb there, despite the realizations of my clammy hands. I look up. And that look, that smile? That’s enough to make me go weak in the knees. All the blood drains away from me, down to the edge of my toes, and I almost stop breathing. I look everywhere but at him, everywhere but at his smile, constantly teasing me.

 

He has pushed me to the wall, my brains have stopped working and I lose my breath when he is inches away from me. My stupid heart, which has lead me to this, standing in front of him, dumb founded? My stupid heart which did not listen to me; to neither of my warnings, that stupid heart is in my mouth, and is ready to jump off and leave me any second. In one swift motion he frees my hair and all I can think of is how long it’s going to take me to do them again. And I laugh at my own callousness. I mean, this magnificent man, right here, is standing in front of me, I am almost in his arms, and all I can think of is how long would it take for me to tie them again? “Just don’t tie them, you fool!” I scold myself.

 

He puts a rigid lock of hair behind my ears and bends a little towards it, as if to say something. I can hear his steady breaths, but he stays there, just smiling, not saying a word. How I wished for him to say something, anything, anything that could break the silence. Anything that could make my mind stop having thoughts leading to God knows where. Anything to know what he has in his mind, what he is thinking? His cool breaths tingling my skin, sending shivers down me; the kind of shivers and feelings I have never felt before.

 

I am drawn towards him, closer and yet closer, thinking how much closer can I get anymore? But the space seems never ending. He grips me at the waist, and in a flash I am right in his arms. I clutch at his soft flannel shirt, knowing not what to do. I fail to look at him now. His hands were caressing my arms, tickling me. What the hell was happening? Tickles were my best friend, and now even they betrayed me? What the hell happened to not being tickled by anyone? Here I was all shivering, with his slight touch. WHAT WAS WRONG?

 

Will he ever stop smiling and staring at me like that?

 

But he comes even closer, making me wonder where exactly is the distance anymore? He stoops, his hands at my waist, his lips, searching mine. But he stays there, breathing softly against my lips, I can feel his smile, I can listen to my own small rapid breaths, and then he bites me, a soft— languid— lusting— bite at the corner of my mouth, faintly piercing at my lower lip, not even trying to kiss me. No lips, no tongues and yet this was enough. Turned on was not even close to what I felt.

 

Yes, this was enough. My mind literally stopped working, and my heart had fled not my mouth but my entire body, I had no sense of what exactly was happening. Yes this was enough. All the breaths leave me; my heart stops first, and then starts drumming against my chest and in my ears, as he withdraws his face a tiny bit. I could feel a hot sensation on my face burning from within, and I turned scarlet. All the blood drains away from me, even my feet feel weak, as if something, everything was sucked out of me. I grip tighter onto his shirt, as if that was the only thing helping me to realize that this wasn’t a dream, my feet scratching the floor only to feel there was a floor beneath me. Oh, I melt. I melt, under his pulling gaze. I have Goosebumps even at the back of my neck. And there are butterflies, well; an army of butterflies doing God knows what inside my stomach. I didn’t even realize that I had held my breath until he withdrew completely and held my hands again, piercing down at me with an all-new hunger in his eyes. The kind of hunger reminding me of my all my crazy fantasies, of all kinds of Christian Grey’s and all kinds of inner goddesses. But then he withdrew, his smile seemingly teasing my train of thoughts.

 

His forehead rests on mine, smiling his sexy, casual smile above me. And I blush; I blush like I have never blushed before in his presence. I have no idea what is going on. Why didn’t he kiss me? I mean he already almost did it, but then why did he withdraw himself? Why leave something incomplete? I was eager, as I had never been before. I was wanting, as I had never been before. What exactly was happening? I had never acted this dumb before, never! I could not look into his eyes; I could not even muster the courage to speak. Was I really I?

 

Face flushed hot, I somehow bear to look at him, to look at those lustrous eyes, at those sensual smiles.

 

“You look gorgeous, and as much as I’d like to stand here, looking at you blushing, we have to get going. I am pretty sure you wouldn’t want to miss the beginning of the show.” He winks at me.

 

Show? I couldn’t even remember anything about the show anymore. I had wanted to go there for so long, and somehow the tickets were arranged, and now all I was wondering was how could he leave me there, mid way in the air, after what he just did to me.

 

“I am waiting downstairs.” And that is all I hear before he closes the door behind him.

 

He leaves me there, with a hoarse breathing; wanting, confused, devoid of all the confidence of looking “breathtaking in my own simplicity”. What was I even thinking saying that in the first place? No man with his looks, and his charms, and his smile, and his eyes…. Could call me breathtaking! And yet there I was, thinking, God knows what?

 

I give one look to myself in the mirror, and I think there was too much makeup on my cheeks, only realizing that there was none to begin with. Oh god!! Was I a complete lost case? How did this happen? What exactly was this? God, what he does to me!! What was it? What is it? I am certain I am not in love. Or am I? NO!! May be this is lust!! Yes, lust, I tell myself. I just want him. But do I? No, but this wasn’t lust? I mean it felt something more than that. Sure, everyone says that. But wouldn’t lust would have lead to something more than this. Wouldn’t it? Oh Lord, I am screwed!!

 

And suddenly, everything seemed perfect, the red dress, zero make-up, no accessories, the not-so-tied-untamed-hair, and the sneakers. All was perfect; except the foolish smile. Everything seemed perfect but that stupid smile that I was wearing.

 

In a second, all came back to me, the show. Yes, I didn’t want to miss it. I grabbed my phone and wallet and rushed downstairs, to find him waiting by the door. He stood aside for me, ever the gentleman that he was, and soon we were walking side by side in the fresh air, in that cool after-rain evening, brushing hands against each other’s.

 

Why do You Hide From Me?

I have my own doubts and reluctance when it comes to this poetry, if at all it can be called one. I wrote it almost a year ago, and have never come about to posting it. So now you know how much I was hesitant to share this with anyone. It has taken me a year and another three days to have the courage to share this with you or anyone for that matter.

So now before I change my mind, I am going to hit publish, and let you guys judge me..

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*

Where are you hiding away from me?

Why, dear love, why do you hide from me?

 

Are you hiding beneath the sky?

The sky that is dark and gloomy

The empty face

That is raining down on me?

 

Are you hiding betwixt the stars?

The stars, magnificent and twinkling

A beautiful constellation

That is shining upon me?

 

Are you hiding behind the full moon?

A moon, calm and comforting

The complete façade

That is spreading its borrowed light on me?

 

Are you hiding among the woods?

The woods and trees that seem all lonely

The empty silence

That is lumbering down on me?

Are you hiding behind the sun?

The sun that is bright and radiant

The blinding fury

That is scorching down on me?

 

Are you hiding behind the mountains?

The mountains that are far and away

The scratchy road

That is soaring upon me?

 

Are you hiding among the seas and oceans?

The oceans that are waving in

The tumultuous uproar

That is really trembling me?

 

Are you hiding among the winds?

The winds, rapid and raw

A soft touch

That is truly whistling down on me?

 

In vain you hide from me

Why, dear love, why do you hide from me?

*

Thank you once again, if you have come this far!! Did not expect you to.

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Truth.

Ernest Hemingway once said, “All you have to do is write one true sentence, and then go on from there.”

I want truth today, anything, sad, happy, good, bad, anything- just truth. What is your truth today?

I want to listen today.

My truth at the moment will be something like this-

“Some days I am a Goddess,

Some days I am wild child,

And some days I am a fragile mess.

Most days I am a bit of all three.

But every day I am here, trying.”

Do share your thoughts, your truth, it could be anything, your thoughts, your story, what you are going through now, anything…

As I said I want to listen…

 

 

 

 

A Poem.

-Emily Dickinson

 

A thought went up my mind to-day

That I have had before,

But did not finish, – some way back

I could not fix the year,

 

Nor where it went, nor why it came

The second time to me,

Nor definitely what it was,

Have I the art to say.

 

But somewhere in my soul, I know

I’ve met the thing before;

It just reminded me- ‘t was all-

And came my way no more.

Lost!

I have been off lately, from blogging, from WordPress for which I don’t even have a specific reason.

It all started a while ago when I started drifting off from everything, even the things which gave me pleasure, started boring me. I don’t know how it started, but somehow it all led to me being a complete static person. I wouldn’t say I was too busy working, or studying, I was simply occupied with my day to day work, from which I could take time out for everything, even blogging.

BUT THE PROBLEM IS, I DIDN’T DO IT.

I DID NOTHING.

I wouldn’t say I was away from work too, no, that didn’t happen. Everything kept going on as it should, but only without interest and my heart in it. Life moved on, but I wasn’t truly happy with what was  happening.

My friends and family of course thinks all is well because by now I have mastered the art of deceiving my feelings in front of them. My social life too seemed pretty active which these days, make people believe that the person is all right!

So when I logged into WordPress to find so many people concerned about my absence, I was truly touched. I wouldn’t say I am good now, the process of recovery is still going on. But I am way better than I was a few days ago.

What happened? I don’t know!

I just lost the motivation to do anything in particular. I have been simply sulking, having lost the vigor to do anything. This anything comprises from blogging to studying to even talking to people.

I hope to get out of this mood soon enough. I hope to find my path soon.

But before that I truly thank you all for even considering my absence in your thoughts.

 

What Do You Do?

What do you do when something occupies too much of your time, too much of the space in your already overthinking mind?

What do you do when things that happen are absolutely out of your control?

What do you do when there are only negative thoughts, and more destructive thoughts making home in your heart and mind?

Needless to say the first suggestion would be to talk things out, to share your woes and doubts with people who care about you.

You pray and hope, and calm your mind but those little evil people are trapped within you.

Then comes the idea of writing your feelings down, word by word. Writers often tend to this technique to cure the ache.

But you see, when desperation kicks in, you go as far as writing your frame of mind and even burning the sheet down to mere ashes; repeatedly!

What do you do when despite all the efforts, those thoughts and feelings stick with you?

What do you do when your thoughts are absolutely out of control? When those thoughts, pains you like a piercing needle, slowly seeping blood out?

What do you do when you can take no more?

What do you do when nothing helps, and even the thoughts (the fact that it is not happening in reality, it is only a thought and a feeling in my head is significant here) shatter you to the core?

What do you when you can’t face the consequences of those thoughts?