Tag Archives: tired

भटकन

रुका हु कुछ देर
पलक झपकते ही उड़ जाऊंगा,
कटे नहीं है पंख मेरे,
बस एक सीमा  के  बाद
मै भी तो थक जाऊंगा;
थोड़ी मोहल्लत दे दे,
फिर मुस्कराता भटक जाऊंगा.

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The Arrested Fear.

I am sitting

Huddled among my friends

Or beside my love

But I am sitting

And I am laughing, talking.

I am happy.

Or so I thought-

For I was sure, sitting

But I was alone

Where did he go?

Why did the people leave me?

I was confused

Scared.

And then I saw someone

A pair of innocent black eyes

Walking towards me

Callously strolling,

A flicker of smile

Spread across his handsome face.

His bare chest

Trailing down to a carved V

Ending right above the

Loose white pair of trousers.

His pace quickens

And his eyes aren’t innocent anymore.

His smile isn’t handsome anymore.

And I get up and run.

I run.

But where do I run?

Somehow, I am on a five inch wide railing

And he is walking on it,

Towards me.

But I can’t walk.

I can barely stand straight.

He is walking.

And I am freezing.

I realize- I need to get away

And so I shut my eyes

And jump.

But there is nowhere to jump.

There is no railing

There is no falling

There is nothing.

But then where am I standing?

I open my eyes in a hurry

To find all blurry.

He is still walking towards me

And I am still there

Somewhere!

I need to run, I remind myself

So I run.

I am running back

To there

As far as I can see

And he is inches away from me

Devoid of any hurry

But full of innocence

And if there is innocence

Then why am I running away?

But I run.

I still run

Panting

Tired

Without a sense

I run.

There is a pleading noise from behind me

But I am so scared

I still run

And then there is nothing

Except for a log jump

Off the elongated sky

And then there are

Stairs.

So I run off them

Two at a time.

I keep going down

I run without a breath

Devoid of a thought

Panting

Sweating

Trembling

With fear.

And after about a hundred stairs

I am blocked.

There are four walls

No doors.

And I beat myself against each one of them

None moves.

I try again.

I am terrified.

Horrified.

I am tired.

I here a meek laughter from above

But I see no one.

There is nothing.

And I am trapped.

But how am I trapped

When there is nothing?

Yet, here I am

Eyes aghast

Fear gripping every inch of my body

The faint innocent eyes hiding

My soul writhing in agony

The dream subsiding the depravity.

I Am Walking!

I am walking down a path

Somewhere, where I am so scared to walk,

Somewhere, where I have always dreaded to walk. 

 

I am walking down a path

To somewhere, where I don’t know the destination

To somewhere, where I don’t know what awaits. 

 

I am walking to someplace

Where? Why? How? 

I know not. I am simply walking. 

 

I am walking down somewhere,

Alone, dejected, beaten. 

Shivering, shredding, succumbing. 

 

I am walking. 

I have no ounce of energy to walk anymore. 

No iota of inspiration to walk.

 

I don’t want to walk. 

No, I don’t. 

And yet I am. 

 

I want to hold hands,

I want to lie down. 

I want to breathe.

 

And yet, I am walking. 

 

I am walking the steps of a failure

I am walking the painful steps of helplessness

I am walking to an endless space.

 

I am walking where there are tearful smiles,

Where there are hidden sores,

Where there are only painful stones.

 

I don’t know what to do. 

I want to lie down,

But all I doing is walking, walking, walking…..

 

PS: I am sorry to be away from all of you. I will be back to all your posts very soon. I will. I am just a little screwed up right now.

The Next Morning!

I was glaring at the TV in the dark, my vision unclear, blurred, I hardly knew what channel was switched on and I couldn’t possibly care less. I kept it on, on bearable volume only to feel myself accompanied.

 

I was slouched beside my study table, beside which the balcony door stood ajar, supported by the wall behind. There was the novel kept in front of me, that I was reading but I hardly remembered what was it about. All I could see were the tree leaves wavering outside, and all I could think of was, … wait, I could hardly think straight. No I could think of nothing, simply nothing.

 

I shifted in my seat, making myself more uncomfortable, instead of providing a little comfort. My leg was twisted and I could feel the slightest of pain then. But I did not twitch. I enjoyed the pain for a while, then when I was comfortable again, I simply did it again, bring the pain back, just for the sake of doing it, this time with my hands, and my fingers. My finger nails, digging down in my palms, and yet I could feel nothing; nope, not in a slightest. I guess all the drinks were playing their game then, making me numb. I smiled, and why? I had no idea about that.

 

My phone started buzzing, vibrating, and it was irritating me, the noise, the feeling. I fumbled to take it out of my pocket and cancelled the call. It was my friend. I knew what she would say, “You can talk to me” and I also knew that if I “talked” she would put on her earphones and all the while keep texting or playing some game and in the end she would very easily divert the topic, make it all about herself, and cut the call. I didn’t need that then!! No!!

 

It started vibrating again. My head was so full, it ached so much that I gripped my hair into my hands trying to just tear the pain apart. I just increased my pain. Furiously, I picked up the phone, mumbled something, which I really did not give a thought on and cut the call.

 

I sat there till late in the night. I don’t remember the time; I don’t even remember what exactly I was doing till then, what was I thinking about. All I remember is slowly walking or rather dragging myself towards my bed, and falling off to a deep sleep with the TV turned on.

 

And so I woke up the next morning with the same things I had gone to sleep with, a numbing pain, a throbbing head, and a dizzy mind, and yeah, not to forget the TV turned on.

I Am Done!

I am done.

I am done trying to prove myself,

I am done trying to make myself heard.

I am done trying to prioritize others,

I am done listening to those others,

I am done trying to fit in,

I am done fighting for every little thing,

I am done dealing with those emotions,

I am done with all the toxic potion,

I am simply done with it all,

Now, I simply don’t care, like me or not.

 

I Am Tired!!

I am literally tired right now, not only mentally but also physically. My mind and my body fail to work anymore. I do not even wish to move a little bit more, even a very little to get what I want. I am at a point where I will just let it go, if anything has to go. I am simply tired.

Some might say that may be if I do not lose hope right now, if I do not let things go, maybe there is a possibility that I might get it right around the corner. Well, may be yes and may be no. I don’t even want to know the answer.

I am not losing hope, hope is what keeps us alive, I just do not want to wait and be restless any longer.

I am happy right here, with what I have and how I am.

What’s wrong with being content?

As of now, with my being exhausted and weary, I am spoiling myself, pampering with all the tasty food and loads of sleep, with cups and cups of coffee and books, with zero thoughts and a big reasonless smile. (The last time I did that I gained 10kgs, let’s see what happens this time 😉 )

And that is how I am awfully drained and yet content.

A little Expedition #5

It took me almost 15 days to roughly do some of the arrangements and yet the bride is left with various other shopping. But now that everything else is fixed from the themes, and menu and the bride’s entry and the reception details, I finally booked my return tickets much to my cousin’s despair.

Honestly speaking, one more day here and I could lose my temper now and all the fake smiles and polite answers would be thrown in the dust. And now I literally dread the wedding. If she has become this crazy one month in advance, I don’t know how she is going to behave on the day of her wedding.

But for now I am just glad to return to my home where I can lie peacefully without worrying about some random demand out of the blue.

My return journey was quite the contrary to my previous one, with little adventure in it, and I was happy about it too. I could not deal with it probably being so drenched and out of patience. So with two different connecting flights bouncing and jerking over the turbulent weather, and a local train, I reached my home, to a peaceful environment after a long time.

My mom greeted me with the best of food which I was missing for long now and putting the November wedding out of my mind for now.