Tag Archives: tragic

I wish I hadn’t read that one book!

I wish I hadn’t read that one book,

For it was only a single dream that it took.

It was a simple childish fantasy,

But the novice me assumed it for some adult reality.

I wish I hadn’t read those 50 pages,

For I was living in the make belief cages.

Made for me, it was a nurturing cocoon,

But sadly, this was my childhoods only boon.

I wish I hadn’t believed in something, which was so tragic,

For I always thought that it was the truth named ‘Magic’,

Read to me it was, every single night,

And just so, I would wait every morning for my mighty knight.

I wish I hadn’t read about that Liz,

With stepmothers and dwarfs, and that magical kiss,

That romantic comedy, with elements of tragedy,

Which had nothing similar in consideration to my reality.

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Confusional Emotions!!

How do emotions work?

Yeah, you heard me right, yes, I am asking about the workings of emotion. As simple as  it might sound to you, I am at a loss when it comes to it’s answer. How exactly do they work?

For most of the ‘normal people’ it works as laughter with happiness and a dam full of tears with sadness, rage with anger and confusion with bewilderment. And yet I fail to adapt to this very simple fact and working of a heart. This makes me wonder, do I even have a heart like any other normal person? Well, of course I have one, but surely it is ill-positioned and ill functioning. It is definitely not where it should have been.

Why this sudden burst of thoughts? I have no idea. Most of the times I don’t know how to deal with them and as any other person I live in denial, till they subside a little and finally I can deal with them.

I don’t know why and how this happens with me, but sometimes when I should be really confused about a serious decision, I know the answer instead. It is absolutely straight to me as to what should I do, and I have my judgments clear. (So far so good, never been in trouble; fingers crossed)

Then when I should be really angry at someone, I let it go. I don’t even give it much of a thought. I am told by people again and again, that it is a wrong decision, but I let it go. Morals win over, I guess. I don’t know, I just don’t even feel angry then or what. But then suddenly the very same person does something which is really insignificant this time, but I think my patience has been tried enough, and I burst…. I burst till I have nothing left inside and I simply let out my anger over that inconsequential matter. Where do my morals go then? (I ask this because I can be really mean when I am angry; when I am angry and I lose it. I will admit that I get angry easily, but I don’t lose it so soon, I guess those are two different things.)

When I should be really upset or sad about anything, people are tensed to their nerves beside me, and I have to forcefully stifle a laugh. I mean why, how?? Why will I want to laugh at a crucial time? (Get my dilemma?)

Yes, this next thing is going to be hilarious. When I should be smiling and laughing and be really happy, I have to supress my sobs. And I roll my eyes and ask myself “really?”

This happened just yesterday, when I was reading (Yes simply reading, not even a real life situation) and I had to conquer over few stray tears. What I was reading was something too sweet, too beautiful, too happy (too good to be true) and yet there I was gripping my fist, scratching my toes, trying to stop myself from crying.

So back to my question, how do emotions work? Or should I ask why I am so weird? (Rolling my eyes constantly at the second question)

The Last 5 Days!!

I simply don’t understand where the last 5 days went. Every second that I have lived of 13th to 17th August 2018 seemed like eternity and yet I say, I don’t know how it all went by. I am only happy that it is in the past, and I pray, truly from the bottom of my heart that no one, not even my darkest enemy has to go through what me and my family had to go through in these last days.

Before I say anything I will say a big THANK YOU to all of you here, for it was only your words that I was holding on to. All I had was words and prayers, apart from it, I was helpless. Nothing was in my hands, and I am thankful that everything is getting better. I am not breathing in peace yet, but it’s getting better.

I was away from my city, though in a known place.

I was away from everyone I know, but with my parents.

There were four other people we knew as close family members, with us. These few people are the ones whom we have helped under all circumstances in times of crisis. And I have seen true colors of these few people in these last few days.

In these last few days, I have seen unknown faces smiling at me. I have seen the painful eyes searching for my pain. I have seen the helplessness of people with and without money. I have seen the sympathy that people give each other when they know each one is dealing with their own share of trauma, physical or emotional. I have seen teary eyes, and painful smiles, I have seen the steps of a person walking with a heavy stone tied to his feet.

I have seen this and felt it first hand.

And I truly pray, for that is all I can do, that no one, no one should go through this ever in their lives.

I thought I knew what being alone was. And then I saw something what actually being alone meant. I faced something which I never did before, or which I never thought I would. My lack of knowledge in so many different matters pricked me constantly, and my fear for all the matters relating finance pierced through me. And above all my fear for my loved ones was shaken from the roots.

If anything good has come out of these past few days is only one thing, which is a lesson learnt. I always thought that people stand with each other only in good times, where as in times of crisis, they run away as fast as they can. And in the past few days, this belief was doubly confirmed. My parents have been there for everyone in crucial periods, but when they actually needed help, they were alone. ALONE and LONELY!!

My belief has been confirmed, and it can never change now, that only your parents and your brother/sister/husband/wife is going to be with you at any point of time in your life. No one else, however close you are to them, or however much you have been there for them, are not going to be with you.

I am sorry if this belief is one sided from my experience, but I have been through enough situations where I have been left alone, battling with situations without a sword.

You say this is making me strong?

But my friend, this is only making me weaker from my deeper insides. I am losing faith, inch by inch, my hopes are falling, drop by drop.

I am sorry but I just feel this way. Everything seems blurred, and I feel lost in a path to an unknown destination.

Anyways, I am thankful to all of you, even just for letting me know, that you are there, wherever you are, in which ever part of the country/earth you are.